Reasons for staying

[MissTajo]

I really love this post. Thank you. Positive aspects are always good to be remembered.

I Stay with my bf for many good reasons:

He is one of the most polite people I know.

He talks in the most sweet way to children and elderly people, their favorite companion.

He leaves me romantic drawings when he goes back home so I can find them later when I arrive from work.

He is gorgeous... . (shallow I know but hey!)

I feel the need to support him all the time, I have great hopes for him. His BPD came heavily after a relationship with a very depressed girl who is the mother of his beautiful boy. Getting better with time. It left him with severe self esteem wounds.

He drives me crazy sometimes and hurts me emotionally but I know its not towards me.

No need to focus on the bad side in all posts. So this is it

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[gravity1]

I stay because I love him, and I know that he loves me. I stay because in reality, our dymnamic is all I have ever known. My parents have strong BPD tendencies and my role with him feels safe. The unpredictability is predictable. I have dated other people, it never feels as safe as it does when I am with him.

[cm2012]

From reading everyone's comments, it seems like the success rate of a healthy BPD and non-BPD relationship is mostly based on if the BPD can 1. admit their issues and 2. if they are actively working on them.  I am very lucky in the fact that he is self-aware, and has been working with me on his BPD issues. (It took me a few years to 1. figure out if I was crazy or not and 2. for him to admit it, but we got there)

How did you get there? Did your husband acknowledge that he had BPD before you met him or during the relationship? Is there anything you did that helped him acknowledge it?

I'm on the verge of divorce from my uBPDh and go back and forth between "I have to give up," and  "we can get there."

I know that confrontation will not work and have never even considered that. I know that I'm the only one who can change. I'm reading "Loving Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder" and asking myself if I'm capable of changing myself with the knowledge that he might never be able to see his part in the struggles in our relationship. To me that's a one way street and goes against my belief that marriage needs to be a two way street. So my answer is "probably not."

But it's hard to give up hope and the only hope I have is that some day he might be able to acknowledge it.

[Mono No Aware]

Reason for staying.

I just copied my response to a similar thread awhile back.

Difficult question.

Difficult answer: because love.

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It's been less than a year since I found out about BPD, which was of course a huge revelation. It's been less than that that I found this forum and all it's revelations of yeah-mine-does-that-too. In that time my thinking has clarified greatly, and I have realized that despite my deeply ingrained Logic-Based way of life I am very much tied by illogical love to a mentally ill person who's symptoms tend to focus on ruining relationships.

You could argue that I'm just staying together for the kids. But Logic would dictate that both would have a better chance of learning to manage their emotions (and not become BPD!) if she was not continually crossing their wires. The 8 yr old is already off-the-charts emotionally, the baby's sleep patterns are terrible. Yes, they really could use a mentally healthy mother.

But I love her. And approximately 40% of the time she loves me back.

I have so much more sympathy, understanding, and commiseration with the classic stereotype of the beaten woman who won't leave an abusive man. My black eyes and bruises are (ahem, usually... . ) on my soul and psyche but I come back for more, still holding out hope and patiently trying to convince her to get professional help.

[ziniztar]

Hi everyone,

It's good to read that people are staying because their partner is in treatment and it works.

For me that was the only reason to begin in the first place. He mentioned it on the third date and has been in therapy since he found out. He's working on it every week - even when he feels like rubbish I don't have to push him there - which for me is all the hope I need.

I'm in this for six months now and not sure if I'll stay forever. But I'm staying now because he:

1) was honest about his condition from the start

2) actively seeks help even in times of distress

3) has a group of friends and family to fall back on.

[zeromoogle]

I love him.  I admit that there are probably some codependency issues that I'm working on that may contribute to me staying, and there are days when I think of a ton of reasons to leave.  When it comes down to it, I love him.

[GumshoeBelly]

Because I love him and he loves me.

[MSE1081]

I stay because in all honesty he is my better half. When things are good... . they are really good and in the past year I have seen some changes in him, proof that he is willing to work on himself or to at least see how his behavior affects me. I love my husband like crazy... . even when he drives me crazy 

[ColdEthyl]

cm, sorry I haven't been on the board in a while, but I can tell you that at first, he said he had depression. Then, I just thought maybe I was crazy... . his outbursts, threatening to hurt himself, the vile hatred and actions he would do (dumping drinks on my head, calling me stupid, etc) then, the next day, doing a complete turn around. What happened is I started doing my own research, bringing up things. He admitted to having a problem, and later to what that problem was. From what I understand, some BPD will just never admit an issue ever, because hey... . there CAN'T be a flaw with them. That's why I say I think I got lucky.

However, that doesn't mean he doesn't still have his down days, because he does. He still has outbursts, and he still has days where he doesn't talk to me at all. (not that he's mad, but he submerges himself into something else)  The thing that helps me the most is 1. The book. God love that book! (You don't have to walk on eggshells) 2. He does. not. mean. it. For them, feeling=fact, and when he does get that wound up, I don't bother trying to talk sense to him until he is calm. He won't hear it. I just validate his feelings, and after the storm is when I can actually get some work done. It's not an ideal relationship, and you will constantly have to put your own feelings on the back burner. For some people, this is unacceptable. For me, I married him, and I meant my vows. I will fight to keep us.

From reading everyone's comments, it seems like the success rate of a healthy BPD and non-BPD relationship is mostly based on if the BPD can 1. admit their issues and 2. if they are actively working on them.  I am very lucky in the fact that he is self-aware, and has been working with me on his BPD issues. (It took me a few years to 1. figure out if I was crazy or not and 2. for him to admit it, but we got there)

How did you get there? Did your husband acknowledge that he had BPD before you met him or during the relationship? Is there anything you did that helped him acknowledge it?

I'm on the verge of divorce from my uBPDh and go back and forth between "I have to give up," and  "we can get there."

I know that confrontation will not work and have never even considered that. I know that I'm the only one who can change. I'm reading "Loving Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder" and asking myself if I'm capable of changing myself with the knowledge that he might never be able to see his part in the struggles in our relationship. To me that's a one way street and goes against my belief that marriage needs to be a two way street. So my answer is "probably not."

But it's hard to give up hope and the only hope I have is that some day he might be able to acknowledge it.

[maxsterling]

Well, the love component is very real, and often I feel like she is a close friend, a part of me, and a soul mate.  I really do have tender feelings for her. That keeps me trying.  I'm not sure if I have an expectation for changes in her, or expectation for changes in me, but it keep me thinking better days could be ahead.

On the other hand, her living with me in my house makes it hard to walk away.  Had we not lived together last summer when things were really rough, I would have just ended it quickly and gone NC.  But, the two times I tired to end it, I got FOGed bigtime, and we wound up staying together.

And I hate to admit it, another reason I stay is because I am her only source of support in the world.  I think it is 90% likely she would attempt suicide if we broke up.  And no, I don't consider it just manipulation by her.  She's attempted before, and she talks about it constantly.  I just feel I can't make relationship decisions right now when she is in such an unstable place.  Right now my focus is encouraging her to find other means of support.  My feelings for her aside, and BPD aside, I sometimes think her and I are a mismatch as a couple.  But, there's just no way to explore that now with her being completely dependent on me and having so much personal baggage to let go of.  How do you really know who a pwBPD is inside if their behavior is a constant dysregulation and all over the place?  How do I even know what she likes to do for fun if she is so depressed and doesn't ever feel like doing anything?

[lemon flower]

I stay because I love him, and I know that he loves me. I stay because in reality, our dymnamic is all I have ever known. My parents have strong BPD tendencies and my role with him feels safe. The unpredictability is predictable. I have dated other people, it never feels as safe as it does when I am with him.

very well put, and I recognise this, except that my recognising does not come from my parents (my dad maybe a little bit) but from various similar experiences in my life.

for some reason these kind of people and these type of dynamics speak to me, and the emotions that come with it I didn't find in "normal" r/ships (yet)

but I'm learning, allready I am better at keeping distance, at analysing my own feelings and motivations and his, and we're both working at the level of commitment that we both can handle in order to remain two individuals living their own life

[hergestridge]

That is totally alien to me - how the BPD dynamics can become "home". I waited 17 years for the torture to the end. When it dawned on me that it wouldn't it became unbearable, but then I was stuck with a small child and a wife who keeps her family hostage with threats of suicide.

All my time spent with my BPDw was time spent in hope that she would somehow develop, grow, mature, be cured or get better (depending on the current theory about her medical status). I know it says something about me that I did not give up during all that time. 

[NewMom]

I'm actually on the Undecided board but if I were to stay, it would be only if his acknowledgement of his condition would lead him to get help and stop hurting me emotionally.  At this point, we're living apart.  I have been taking care of our daughter alone since she was born 8 mo ago.  He spends time with her but up until a few weeks ago (if he can be believed) he continued cheating on me and abusing alcohol. 

If I were to stay and not go through with divorce (which I have discussed with my lawyer) it would be because a) I truly do love him and b) I believe a child needs both parents.  But b) can only be achieved if he is willing to get better and NOT hurt me emotionally, which in the end would start to affect our daughter were we to stay together (if he continues with his behavior).  And even though I am hurting and suffering along with him, its our daughter who must be put first. 

I understand that his behavior is not meant against me personally.  But hurt is hurt.  And I feel that pain and cannot easily put it aside.

I too know the dynamics from r/s with other people (i.e. my parents) and so it didn't dawn on me earlier into our marriage that things were not ok, and in fact rather toxic for both of us.  I don't want my baby girl to know how it is like growing up in a toxic household!

[ziniztar]

Hi everyone,

It's good to read that people are staying because their partner is in treatment and it works.

For me that was the only reason to begin in the first place. He mentioned it on the third date and has been in therapy since he found out. He's working on it every week - even when he feels like rubbish I don't have to push him there - which for me is all the hope I need.

I'm in this for six months now and not sure if I'll stay forever. But I'm staying now because he:

1) was honest about his condition from the start

2) actively seeks help even in times of distress

3) has a group of friends and family to fall back on.

4) I notice and feel improvement  .

[ColdEthyl]

Early on in the relationship, I was never sure which "husband" I was coming home to. Was he manic? (sometimes that can be as bad... he will talk for hours on end, repeating the same subject matter several times) Was he depressed? (The worst for me, either shutting me all the way out, or breaking down into tears, and crying about one thing, and ending up going on hours long rants about all sort of things... . even thing not warranting this amount of anger or tears) Or is he ok?

I understand your fear. My husband has been hospitalized in the past for threatening suicide (the police actually had to talk the gun out of his mouth) and he talks about suicide often, and if I ever left... . I think he would. Or, he would at least say he will and possible try. I'm never sure how far the suicide thing goes with him, if he says it to make people feel bad, or if he means it, but doesn't mean it enough to follow through... . I just don't know.

But, here's what I do know. I have a brother who is paranoid schizophrenic. He has lived with me 14 years, and he is 28. In the next few weeks, he is moving out for the first time. Let me tell you something... . schizophrenic and BPD is two types of crazy I do not recommend mixing. The dynamic between my husband and him is piss poor. They are similar in a lot of ways... . and I think that's what kind of screws them up.

Anyways, I worry about my brother hurting himself. He's never lived alone, and I get afraid that he might not be able to handle it. But, he says he is ready, he says he can. And he wants to try. The thing I've had to realize is... . I have no control over what he does or decides to do.

If you don't feel that you are compatible when she's "even", then I think you are right about your feelings on the relationship. Their personal tastes and personalities should still be evident, even when their emotions are going buckwild. The part that's dysfunctional is the HOW their emotions make them feel.

Well, the love component is very real, and often I feel like she is a close friend, a part of me, and a soul mate.  I really do have tender feelings for her. That keeps me trying.  I'm not sure if I have an expectation for changes in her, or expectation for changes in me, but it keep me thinking better days could be ahead.

On the other hand, her living with me in my house makes it hard to walk away.  Had we not lived together last summer when things were really rough, I would have just ended it quickly and gone NC.  But, the two times I tired to end it, I got FOGed bigtime, and we wound up staying together.

And I hate to admit it, another reason I stay is because I am her only source of support in the world.  I think it is 90% likely she would attempt suicide if we broke up.  And no, I don't consider it just manipulation by her.  She's attempted before, and she talks about it constantly.  I just feel I can't make relationship decisions right now when she is in such an unstable place.  Right now my focus is encouraging her to find other means of support.  My feelings for her aside, and BPD aside, I sometimes think her and I are a mismatch as a couple.  But, there's just no way to explore that now with her being completely dependent on me and having so much personal baggage to let go of.  How do you really know who a pwBPD is inside if their behavior is a constant dysregulation and all over the place?  How do I even know what she likes to do for fun if she is so depressed and doesn't ever feel like doing anything?

[wilsonian]

Byfaith... I believe you hit the nail on the head... . we are part of three and even with the BPD we are yoked together... . and yes through each day I live my life and marriage through the word of God... . but its hard quite a few times but I find my strength in Christ,this site and studies... . along with Ephesians 5 I go to and try my best to live by 1 Corinthians 13... . many times I have written on here how these were part of my wedding vows and I have them on my wall at home in the living room... . with Prayer... Christ... educating myself like on these boards and of course venting... . that's why I stay... I truly love her... .

[guitarguy09]

Byfaith... I believe you hit the nail on the head... . we are part of three and even with the BPD we are yoked together... . and yes through each day I live my life and marriage through the word of God... . but its hard quite a few times but I find my strength in Christ,this site and studies... . along with Ephesians 5 I go to and try my best to live by 1 Corinthians 13... . many times I have written on here how these were part of my wedding vows and I have them on my wall at home in the living room... . with Prayer... Christ... educating myself like on these boards and of course venting... . that's why I stay... I truly love her... .

That's a great way of looking at it. I too am a Christian, though I admit more than just sometimes it's hard to keep the faith with everything going on. Part of it is how my family has reacted to my uBPDw. They are all Christians but at the same time not very forgiving or understanding... . which I think are pretty core traits for a healthy family.

[ColdEthyl]

Education has always been my mecca The more I know, the more I am able to understand, to find solutions, to work the kinks out... . with his help. I am not religious, but a solid belief system based on faith is certainly a benefit for people and relationships, and I respect that

Byfaith... I believe you hit the nail on the head... . we are part of three and even with the BPD we are yoked together... . and yes through each day I live my life and marriage through the word of God... . but its hard quite a few times but I find my strength in Christ,this site and studies... . along with Ephesians 5 I go to and try my best to live by 1 Corinthians 13... . many times I have written on here how these were part of my wedding vows and I have them on my wall at home in the living room... . with Prayer... Christ... educating myself like on these boards and of course venting... . that's why I stay... I truly love her... .

[Moselle]

I'm currently staying in the relationship because I married her forever, we have three children, and I need to know I've given it my absolute best. The "in sickness and in health" commitment means alot to me, and I hope that she would stay with me if I was sick. I see BPD as a sickness, not that pwBPD are monsters as some others do here.

She has threatened divorce 17 times in the last 6 months, so maybe I get off the hook LOL :-)

[Inquisitive1]

I'm staying in part because of a 20+ year marriage that has had good times. In part because my wife has done some really wonderful things for me. But, also because I'm concerned what would happen to my kids and wife if I left. My wife has had a particularly difficult and year and I hope she'll pull herself together somewhat with my support--I don't if she could make it on her own. Also, divorce is really messy and expensive. That "in sickness and in health" thing really speaks to me, I view her as sick and in need of health.

So, I'm gonna try my darn-dest to make this thing work. At the same time, I'm thinking of the boundaries that would cause me to choose to leave.

[Crumbling]

I stay because:

1.  my marriage vows... .I promised to.

2.  he is in therapy and I see progress, so that adds hope.

3.  he needs me, he needs someone on his side, in his corner... .like a child needing a parent.  This probably isn't a good reason, but it seems like it's the only type of love that doesn't 'de-regulate' him.  The only type of love he seems to recognize.

4.  he has given up booze recently, and is doing well at staying away from it (it's been a several months).  It would be counterproductive if I left now, because this has been a big step for him, and he's succeeding - for now.

5.  I would need to walk away from my home, my dogs and cats, my community.  It's not just the person you leave... .it's everything.  Did that twice already.  Not doing it a third.  And besides, third times a charm, right 

6.  Our grandbaby.  She's never had her father in her life, and so grampy fills that role.  I could never risk breaking that bond.  EVER.  She needs to know that not all men go away.

7.  I love him.  I truly ache inside when he is hurting.  I feel a physical attraction to him that I've never felt before, even now after everything.  The true him is handsome and wise and inventive and creative and gentle and fun... .I mourn for this man a LOT!  But I try to never forget that he is in there, somewhere.

This was good for me.  Thanks for the topic.