What would you do?

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

If someone you cared deeply about for years, contacted you every single day, initiated conversation with you for hours in delight. Exchanged ideas, styles, and dreams with you, just like you did when you first met. Then this person was hungry and starving, with no clothes on their back, and no necessities; you loved them and, for this, provided for them selflessly, without motive other than because you genuinely care.

Then later, this person denies ever talking to you regularly. Denies ever having had the desire to talk to someone so indifferent to him/her. Denies ever asking or even wanting your help. Denies ever being close to you. Denies ever enjoying or seeking your company - and if they did, they say it was out of agonizing boredom. What would you do if every card or present you've ever sent, every item you've ever made, which caused them cry, smile, laugh, and repeatedly thank you for being such a good, close friend was spoken of as "just free stuff that no one would decline"? How would you feel if this was from someone you've known for a decade? - apart from never wanting to talk to their sorry ass again? What would you do?

[Chunk Palumbo]

If someone you cared deeply about for years, contacted you every single day, initiated conversation with you for hours in delight. Exchanged ideas, styles, and dreams with you, just like you did when you first met. Then this person was hungry and starving, with no clothes on their back, and no necessities; you loved them and, for this, provided for them selflessly, without motive other than because you genuinely care.

Then later, this person denies ever talking to you regularly. Denies ever having had the desire to talk to someone so indifferent to him/her. Denies ever asking or even wanting your help. Denies ever being close to you. Denies ever enjoying or seeking your company - and if they did, they say it was out of agonizing boredom. What would you do if every card or present you've ever sent, every item you've ever made, which caused them cry, smile, laugh, and repeatedly thank you for being such a good, close friend was spoken of as "just free stuff that no one would decline"? How would you feel if this was from someone you've known for a decade? - apart from never wanting to talk to their sorry ass again? What would you do?

[fromheeltoheal]

I would realize they were twisting reality to make themselves feel better, even if it hurts us, and then realize this person is not a positive addition to our life and remove them from it.

[Chunk Palumbo]

You can't remove what isn't there. She's not in my life; she's in my head. You can't remove that, either.

[Perfidy]

CP I would do exactly what you did. Come to this board in despair, anger, anxiety, sadness, remorse, and all of the other dark feelings that disordered people bring out of us.

[fromheeltoheal]

You can't remove what isn't there. She's not in my life; she's in my head. You can't remove that, either.

OK, you've removed her physically, and now it's time to remove her emotionally.  It's true that you can't remove the memories, but you can change what they mean to you and reduce the emotional impact, it takes time, grieving, introspection, processing, with professional help if you need it, but you can make things much better.

I'm sorry man, I've been there and it hurts, but it does get better, and after all the growth involved you may end up seeing the relationship as a gift.

[Johnny Alias]

I'd get in therapy immediately and start deprogramming my brain.  

The pain will be there for a while.  You're in a total state of disillusionment.  Everything you thought was true is NOT.  This is the seduction of the Cluster B.  They will do everything they can to trap you and ensnare you in their control.  

Memory problems are rampant in these disorders especially after you've been painted black.  I'm sure some of its on purpose while some of it might not be.  Mine had major memory issues which were amplified by substance abuse.  After I kicked her our she painted me black and ripped on me to anyone who would listen.  Saying anything different, as in admitting blame for wrongdoings, goes against their core programming.  THEY CANNOT ADMIT FAULT!  THEY MUST BE PERFECT!  To do otherwise would mean admitting how evil and cruel they have been to others.  Best blame someone else and fabricate history.  

Therapy.  Books.  These boards.  Working out.  A dog.  A dog will always love you.  

My two cents.  

[Chunk Palumbo]

OK, you've removed her physically, and now it's time to remove her emotionally.  It's true that you can't remove the memories, but you can change what they mean to you and reduce the emotional impact, it takes time, grieving, introspection, processing, with professional help if you need it, but you can make things much better.

I'm sorry man, I've been there and it hurts, but it does get better, and after all the growth involved you may end up seeing the relationship as a gift.

I've been here, too. I've known her since 2005. I am convinced, there is no positive way out of this thing. If she contacts me, I will hate her forever. If she doesn't, I will hate her forever. She put herself in one of those lose-lose situations. The only downside is that I caught feelings for her, and I know - having had so many relationships (well into double-digits) in my time to know - I will never ger over loving her. Ever. It's done for me. I won't show it, but I'll know it. She blew my mind.

quote author=Johnny Alias link=topic=219412.msg12390879#msg12390879 date=1391811714]I'd get in therapy immediately and start deprogramming my brain. 

The pain will be there for a while.  You're in a total state of disillusionment.  Everything you thought was true is NOT.  This is the seduction of the Cluster B.  They will do everything they can to trap you and ensnare you in their control. 

Memory problems are rampant in these disorders especially after you've been painted black.  I'm sure some of its on purpose while some of it might not be.  Mine had major memory issues which were amplified by substance abuse.  After I kicked her our she painted me black and ripped on me to anyone who would listen.  Saying anything different, as in admitting blame for wrongdoings, goes against their core programming.  THEY CANNOT ADMIT FAULT!  THEY MUST BE PERFECT!  To do otherwise would mean admitting how evil and cruel they have been to others.  Best blame someone else and fabricate history. 

Therapy.  Books.  These boards.  Working out.  A dog.  A dog will always love you. 

My two cents.  [/quote]
Therapy won't work on me. I respect you and value your cents. But it won't work. I now hate most people and probably won't listen to a T.

[Chunk Palumbo]

CP I would do exactly what you did. Come to this board in despair, anger, anxiety, sadness, remorse, and all of the other dark feelings that disordered people bring out of us.

Revenge is the only way out. I'm not talking about physically doing anything ultra sadistic - like giving her a wedgie. But I want to verbally hurt her. The only things stopping me from doing so are 1. the fact that I still love her, 2. it'd be evidence against me, and 3. She'd get aroused by it.

She used to become submissive and eager-to-please when I raged at her disrespect. It ****ing disgusts me.

[Chunk Palumbo]

Calling me up, crying, pouring her heart out. Then the next month, denying she could ever confide in me - that we hardly ever talk, and are therefore not close. 

Rationalizing this made-up lack of closeness via the very silent treatment she herself enacted, after hounding me on my phone at 8am every day to happy-talk for hours.

Citing me a permanant and wanted feature in her life, as an explanation as to why she did the above, saying that it'd be noticable/strange if I was gone. Yet when I say "permanant features in each other's lives? That's friendship!", She, in the next breath, says I'm not really in her life and she wouldn't notice me if I was gone.

Mind is blown from this tomfoolery.

[myself]

Mind is blown from this tomfoolery.

What it must be like for them, how they really feel, we'll never know.

I lost a lot of respect for my ex watching her hurt so many of the people in her life who cared for her. I myself went from soul mate to scapegoat, it was like a pinball game. I don't hate her. I know she's a girl who was abused when she was young, taking it out on everybody since then. She doesn't have to lump me in with them, but she does.

My mind has been blown by this too, CP, but it's resetting now. 

We have to let go.

[Johnny Alias]

Verbally hurting them doesn't work. You're just adding more fuel to the fire and she loves the fire. Pay attention to anything and it will grow.

And they loove attention. Good or bad. Doesn't matter. Drama addicts extraordinaire.

If therapys not your bag I'd definitely keep posting on here at a minimum.   

[seeking balance]

Therapy won't work on me. I respect you and value your cents. But it won't work. I now hate most people and probably won't listen to a T.

Well, you are being honest - if you don't want to change things spending money for someone to tell you what to change is a waste.

Anger and disgust is a rough space to be - maybe time to take up boxing or ultimate fighting?  Getting that anger out in a healthy outlet would be a good start.

[mgl210]

What would I do or what would my mind/soul tell me to do?

I would more and likely give that person the shirt off of my back. The scenario sounds too much like my ex. I would show her that I was serious about how much I cared about her and how much she meant to me. Even though, I know all of my friends would be supremely p(( off at me, and that I would never hear the end of the situation.

I know I should just walk away and let the situation unfold for the person who has caused me so much pain. However, dealing with the pain of that growing up, I refused to be a cold hearted person and have programmed my mind into thinking that everybody needs someone that they can count on, even if they don't offer it themselves.

MGL

[Chunk Palumbo]

Verbally hurting them doesn't work. You're just adding more fuel to the fire and she loves the fire. Pay attention to anything and it will grow.

And they loove attention. Good or bad. Doesn't matter. Drama addicts extraordinaire.

 

Yep. Gets her damp when I used put her in her place. But I don't want to be her daddy. This is all one big mind-game to her - some chapter in her ridiculous Aladdin-style Disney romance. I swear, if people had theme music IRL, hers would be A Whole New World on repeat . . . until she gets grumpy.

Well, you are being honest - if you don't want to change things spending money for someone to tell you what to change is a waste.

Anger and disgust is a rough space to be - maybe time to take up boxing or ultimate fighting?  Getting that anger out in a healthy outlet would be a good start.

I used to wrestle, box, do a bit of Jiu-Jits. But I'm not a pugilist or in-direct self-harmer. Most of you could probably beat me up.

I would more and likely give that person the shirt off of my back. The scenario sounds too much like my ex. I would show her that I was serious about how much I cared about her and how much she meant to me. Even though, I know all of my friends would be supremely p(( off at me, and that I would never hear the end of the situation.

I know I should just walk away and let the situation unfold for the person who has caused me so much pain. However, dealing with the pain of that growing up, I refused to be a cold hearted person and have programmed my mind into thinking that everybody needs someone that they can count on, even if they don't offer it themselves.

MGL

I don't know what to do anymore. I have no answers, and've come to believe that there -is- no answer. All I know is that there's an elastic limit and my mind, on the issue of her, is just gone. It's like knowing there's an incurable virus out there causing death, insanity, and chaos, but the carrier is someone you care about.  What do I do? - just curl up in a ball and hope it goes away? What kind of life is that? Or do I confront it? Either way is a loss to me.

[Perfidy]

CP... Many of us have had a similar experience in relationships with pwBPD. We were caretakers. A role we assumed because of the way we learned the strongest and most powerful human emotion-love. We poured everything into relationships that could not meet our needs while meeting every need of our partners. We were inevitably disappointed. We talked just like you. We wanted vengeance and to be validated, to be assured that we weren't the problem. Most of us have our own issues, reasons, problems, our own defective thinking that attracted us to mentally disordered people in the first place. Then we ignore all of the warnings, gut feelings, red flags and out in the open communication of our partners disorder and then stay in the relationship hoping it will get better. Another manifestation of our own issues. What we attempt here is detachment so that we can improve ourselves and heal. We know that the relationship was toxic to us and the poisoning is still present in us after the relationship is over. Getting these residual feelings out is necessary in order to begin healing. Take your time. You have been through a lot of crap. Get it all out. Once you do this you can focus on your self where the healing needs to be done.

[Ironmanrises]

If someone you cared deeply about for years, contacted you every single day, initiated conversation with you for hours in delight. Exchanged ideas, styles, and dreams with you, just like you did when you first met. Then this person was hungry and starving, with no clothes on their back, and no necessities; you loved them and, for this, provided for them selflessly, without motive other than because you genuinely care.

Then later, this person denies ever talking to you regularly. Denies ever having had the desire to talk to someone so indifferent to him/her. Denies ever asking or even wanting your help. Denies ever being close to you. Denies ever enjoying or seeking your company - and if they did, they say it was out of agonizing boredom. What would you do if every card or present you've ever sent, every item you've ever made, which caused them cry, smile, laugh, and repeatedly thank you for being such a good, close friend was spoken of as "just free stuff that no one would decline"? How would you feel if this was from someone you've known for a decade? - apart from never wanting to talk to their sorry ass again? What would you do?

What you described is the idealization, devaluation and discard phases of being with a pwBPD. What each of us here experienced in a frighteningly similar manner. You cannot do anything for the pwBPD. For you, you did one of the few things that you can do; that is, come to this forum. My exUBPDgf was really no different than what you described, I just knew her for a few years as opposed to a decade.

[santa]

Write it off to her being crazy and not worry about it.

[Learning_curve74]

Write it off to her being crazy and not worry about it.

There is a measure of truth in what santa writes. Our world shouldn't be defined by the crazy things a mentally ill person says to us.

Have you read the article: Surviving a breakup with somebody suffering borderline personality disorder. In it there are listed ten beliefs that can get you stuck:

Ten Beliefs That Can Get You Stuck

Breaking up with a “BPD” partner is often difficult because we do not have a valid understanding of the disorder or our part in the “loaded” relationship bond. As a result we often misinterpret or partners actions and some of our own. Many of us struggle with some of the following false beliefs.

1) Belief that this person holds the key to your happiness

We often believe that our “BPD” partner is the master of our joy and the keeper of our sorrow. You may feel that they have touched the very depths of your soul. As hard as this is to believe right now, your perspective on this is likely a bit off.

Idealization is a powerful “drug” – and it came along at a time in your life when you were very receptive to it. In time, you will come to realize that your partner’s idealization of you, no matter how sincere, was a courting ritual and an overstatement of the real emotions at the time. You were special – but not that special.

You will also come to realize that a lot of your elation was due to your own receptivity and openness and your hopes.

You will also come to realize that someone coming out of an extended intense and traumatic relationship is often depressed and can not see things clearly. You may feel anxious, confused, and you may be ruminating about your BPD partner. All of this distorts your perception of reality. You may even be indulging in substance abuse to cope.

2) Belief that your BPD partner feels the same way that you feel

If you believe that your BPD partner was experiencing the relationship in the same way that you were or that they are feeling the same way you do right now, don’t count on it. This will only serve to confuse you and make it harder to understand what is really happening.

When any relationship breaks down, it’s often because the partners are on a different “page” – but much more so when your partner suffers with borderline personality disorder traits.

Unknown to you, there were likely significant   periods   of shame,   fear, disappointment, resentment, and anger rising from below the surface during the entire relationship. What you have seen lately is not new - rather it’s a culmination of feelings that have been brewing in the relationship.

3) Belief that the relationship problems are caused by some circumstance or by you

You concede that there are problems, and you have pledged to do your part to resolve them.

Because there have been periods of extreme openness, honesty, humanity and thoughtfulness during the relationship, and even during the break-ups, your “BPD” partner’s concerns are very credible in your eyes. But your “BPD” partner also has the rather unique ability to distort facts, details, and play on your insecurities to a point where fabrications are believable to you.

It’s a complex defense mechanism, a type of denial, and a common characteristic of the disorder.

As a result, both of you come to believe that you are the sole problem; that you are inadequate; that you need to change; even that you deserve to be punished or left behind.

This is largely why you have accepted punishing behaviors; why you try to make amends and try to please; why you feel responsible. But the problems aren’t all your fault and you can't solve this by changing.

The problems are not all of your partner’s fault either.

This is about a complex and incredibly “loaded” relationship bond between the two of you.

4) Belief that love can prevail

Once these relationships seriously rupture, they are harder to repair than most – many wounds that existed before the relationship have been opened. Of course you have a lot invested in this relationship and your partner has been an integral part of your dreams and hopes - but there are greater forces at play now.

For you, significant emotional wounds have been inflicted upon an already wounded soul. To revitalize your end of the relationship, you would need to recover from your wounds and emerge as an informed and loving caretaker – it’s not a simple journey. You need compassion and validation to heal - something your partner most likely won’t understand – and you can’t provide for yourself right now

For your partner, there are longstanding and painful fears, trust issues, and resentments that have been triggered. Your partner is coping by blaming much of it on you. For your partner to revitalize their end of the relationship, they would need to understand and face their wounds and emerge very self-aware and mindful. This is likely an even greater challenge than you face.

5) Belief that things will return to "the way they used to be"

BPD mood swings and past break-up / make-up cycles may have you conditioned to think that, even after a bad period, that you can return idealization stage (that you cherish) and the “dream come true” (that your partner holds dear), this is not realistic thinking.

Idealization built on “dream come true” fairytale beliefs is not the hallmark of relationship maturity and stability - it is the hallmark of a very fragile, unstable relationship.

As natural relationship realities that develop over time clash with the dream, the relationship starts breaking down. Rather than growing and strengthening over time, the relationship erodes over time.

The most realistic representation of your relationship is not what you once had – it is what has been developing over time.

6) Clinging to the words that were said

We often cling to the positive words and promises that were voiced and ignore or minimalize the negative actions.

“But she said she would love me forever”

Many wonderful and expressive things may have been said during the course of the relationship, but people suffering with BPD traits are dreamers, they can be fickle, and they over-express emotions like young children – often with little thought for long term implications.

You must let go of the words. It may break your heart to do so. But the fact is, the actions - all of them - are the truth.

7) Belief that if you say it louder you will be heard

We often feel that if we explain our point better, put it in writing, say it louder, or find the right words ... . we will be heard.

People with BPD hear and read just fine. Everything that we have said has been physically heard. The issue is more about listening and engaging.

When the relationship breaks down and emotions are flared, the ability to listen and engage diminishes greatly on all sides.

And if we try to compensate by being more insistent it often just drives the interaction further into unhealthy territory. We may be seen as aggressive. We may be seen as weak and clingy. We may be seen as having poor boundaries and inviting selfish treatment. We may be offering ourselves up for punishment.said. It may be denial, it may be the inability to get past what they feel and want to say, or it may even be payback.

This is one of the most difficult aspects of breaking up - there is no closure.

8) Belief that absence makes the heart grow fonder

We often think that by holding back or depriving our “BPD” partner of “our love” – that they will “see the light”. We base this on all the times our partner expressed how special we were and how incredible the relationship was.

Absence may makes the heart grow fonder when a relationship is healthy – but this is often not the case when the relationship is breaking down.

People with BPD traits often have object permanence issues – “out of sight is out of mind”. They may feel, after two weeks of separation, the same way you would feel after six.

Distancing can also trigger all kinds of abandonment and trust issues for the “BPD” partner (as described in #4).

Absence generally makes the heart grow colder.

9) Belief that you need to stay to help them.

You might want to stay to help your partner. You might want to disclose to them that they have borderline personality disorder and help them get into therapy. Maybe you want to help in other ways while still maintaining a “friendship”.

The fact is, we are no longer in a position to be the caretaker and support person for our “BPD” partner – no matter how well intentioned.

Understand that we have become the trigger for our partner’s bad feelings and bad behavior. Sure, we do not deliberately cause these feelings, but your presence is now triggering them. This is a complex defense mechanism that is often seen with borderline personality disorder when a relationship sours. It’s roots emanate from the deep core wounds associated with the disorder. We can’t begin to answer to this.

We also need to question your own motives and your expectations for wanting to help. Is this kindness or a type “well intentioned” manipulation on your part - an attempt to change them to better serve the relationship as opposed to addressing the lifelong wounds from which they suffer?

More importantly, what does this suggest about our own survival instincts – we’re injured, in ways we may not even fully grasp, and it’s important to attend to our own wounds before we are attempt to help anyone else.

You are damaged. Right now, your primary responsibility really needs to be to yourself – your own emotional survival.

If your partner tries to lean on you, it’s a greater kindness that you step away. Difficult, no doubt, but more responsible.

10) Belief that they have seen the light

Your partner may suddenly be on their best behavior or appearing very needy and trying to entice you back into the relationship. You, hoping that they are finally seeing things your way or really needing you, may venture back in – or you may struggle mightily to stay away.

What is this all about?

Well, at the end of any relationship there can be a series of breakups and make-ups – disengaging is often a process, not an event.

However when this process becomes protracted, it becomes toxic. At the end of a “BPD” relationship, this can happen. The emotional needs that fueled the relationship bond initially, are now fueling a convoluted disengagement as one or both partners struggle against their deep enmeshment with the other and their internal conflicts about the break up.

Either partner may go to extremes to reunite - even use the threat of suicide to get attention and evoke sympathies.

Make no mistake about what is happening. Don’t be lulled into believing that the relationship is surviving or going through a phase. At this point, there are no rules. There are no clear loyalties. Each successive breakup increases the dysfunction of relationship and the dysfunction of the partners individually - and opens the door for very hurtful things to happen.

How many of these beliefs are you clinging to?

[Tausk]

Calling me up, crying, pouring her heart out. Then the next month, denying she could ever confide in me - that we hardly ever talk, and are therefore not close.  

Mind is blown from this tomfoolery.

Hey CP:

Man it hurts.  I know.  We on this board all know. We've all had a taste of what you're writing.  And it hurts like hell.  I was on the floor doubled up in pain and moaning at times.

But it's not Tomfoolery.  It's not malicious.  It's not rationalization.  It's the Disorder.  Or another way of putting it... . It's Bat Sht Crazy!

And for you, it's not a question of what would "I" do... . it's simply a question of what are you going to do?  Bottomline, what ever you do, BE SAFE.  

I had to find people to help me BE SAFE.  And after a while when I was ready,  I was able to look at why I became vulnerable and fell in love with a person who was Bat Sht Crazy.  And why I would expect someone who was Bat Sht Crazy to behave in a manner other than Bat Sht Crazy.  In fact I began to realize that I also was quite a bit Bat Sht Crazy.  But it's much better today.

Vent on the board and BE SAFE

We're here for you

T

[love4meNOTu]

I think that I finally got to the point where I realized I was not getting better, and that what I was doing to heal was OBVIOUSLY not working.

Thus the depression that nearly killed me.

So, I decided to take the advice of professionals. And I placed my trust in them, and I followed their rules and I did what they suggested. I let it go... . my ideas of what was going to work. BECAUSE THEY DIDN'T WORK. My arrogance and ego kept me from getting the real help I needed.

I'm much better for it today.

Hugs,

L

[Conundrum]

what the heck, you've described a gazillion reasons why she's relationally challenged, but you're still scrutinizing the footnotes in her BPD Relational Coobook, or how to make a souffle using a jiffy pop tin. What to do, is accept her for who she is, untamable, and not prototypical relationship material. Someone who perhaps is still worth banging... . but that's for you to decide. It's real life, kind of like a peanut butter and sardine sandwich with marshmallow fluff and razor blades

[Learning_curve74]

what the heck, you've described a gazillion reasons why she's relationally challenged, but you're still scrutinizing the footnotes in her BPD Relational Coobook, or how to make a souffle using a jiffy pop tin. What to do, is accept her for who she is, untamable, and not prototypical relationship material. Someone who perhaps is still worth banging... . but that's for you to decide. It's real life, kind of like a peanut butter and sardine sandwich with marshmallow fluff and razor blades

That's really well said, Conundrum. 

In other words, she is a very wounded and damaged person that you will never have the power to heal or make whole.

You can't make her change, but you can change.

[Waifed]

If someone you cared deeply about for years, contacted you every single day, initiated conversation with you for hours in delight. Exchanged ideas, styles, and dreams with you, just like you did when you first met. Then this person was hungry and starving, with no clothes on their back, and no necessities; you loved them and, for this, provided for them selflessly, without motive other than because you genuinely care.

Then later, this person denies ever talking to you regularly. Denies ever having had the desire to talk to someone so indifferent to him/her. Denies ever asking or even wanting your help. Denies ever being close to you. Denies ever enjoying or seeking your company - and if they did, they say it was out of agonizing boredom. What would you do if every card or present you've ever sent, every item you've ever made, which caused them cry, smile, laugh, and repeatedly thank you for being such a good, close friend was spoken of as "just free stuff that no one would decline"? How would you feel if this was from someone you've known for a decade? - apart from never wanting to talk to their sorry ass again? What would you do?

I would protect myself from such pain by removing this person from my life.

[Chunk Palumbo]

It may not seem like it, but I scrutinized every reply repeatedly while logged off. And thanks. Some of you remind me of myself in ways, particularly the guys.

She's recently apologized for all of it. (I've been NC-ing her since December). If this happened even a year ago, I would've re-engaged. But I just can't respond; I love her and miss the good times, but I know it'd just happen again. Sadly, I know she just wants me to be there, because it's likely one of her orbiters F-ed up.

Sucks. I don't feel a thing, but a mixture of pity and a little bit of satisfaction. Never thought I'd get there.

Thanks again everyone.

[Waifed]

Chunk

You have probably read on here that the best way to get back at your pwBPD is by committing yourself to "living well".  It sounds cliche and just a cop out.  I used to shake my head and say to myself "Waifed, you have to get even with her.  You need revenge for the horrible things she did and said".  After 5-1/2 months I realize what people mean when they say that "living well" is the best way.  It becomes about taking care of yourself inside and out.  Learning how you tick.  I know you don't want to hear this right now and I didn't want to either early on, but at least keep it in the back of your mind.  Reason being, If you decide to take the revenge route you are just giving her what she wants... . Attention.  Also, it makes you look weak and needy.  The worst part is you will not be able to take back any of the things that you may do or say too her.  Later on you will realize that the high road was the best to take because life goes on and she is no longer a factor in yours. 

Now is the time to start taking control of your life again.  Put on a confident face until the real confidence returns.  Kill her with indifference.  Convince yourself that you are much to good for her.  She may or may not care or notice what you are doing but in your mind you are taking yourself back and that is what is really important.  The pain and hurt will linger for a while.  You can't control that part, but you do have the choice of controlling how others perceive you and how you perceive yourself.  Be strong and put on a confident face.  You will have your life back sooner than you think if you have the right attitude.