Do we ever get to be angry, in a bad mood?

[mssalty]

I wish my SO could simply read the times when I need some space or understand that when I say I need a moment that they actually give it to me instead of needing the last word. 

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[waverider]

What you are really saying is that you wish your SO wasn't a pwBPD, and that you wish you didn't need this board

[hergestridge]

I find myself being in a semi-depressed mood all the time. Any noticeable emotions get these frustrating reactions from my BPDw. Se also the thread about how "they" hi-jack what would be our emotional responses.

[joshbjoshb]

What you are really saying is that you wish your SO wasn't a pwBPD, and that you wish you didn't need this board

True dat

Of course we should get to express our feelings. Except we might not do it with our spouses. So find yourself a different support system, as at home you will be more giving then getting it.

[GopherAgent]

mssalty... .

In my experience with matters like this, is that they are so focused on looking at everything through how they see all things emotional, that they cannot and do not see the desires or concerns of the other person. Thinking that their SO has legitimate feelings and concerns to contribute to the relationship is not even considered by the person you are "wishing" would care for your feelings.

I was blind to this "fault" in my SO for so long that I learned to respond to it all wrong and take it personally. I got angry and frustrated that she could not "see" my care for her when I voiced it. She choose to take my words of support and encouragement and understanding and twist them so as to apply them as being critical of her.

You may find that what you say to your SO is twisted and turned against you as you say them. I have "wished" that my SO understood me... . but, No! Everything I say is a judgment against her and an attack on her feelings, etc. I only want to communicate and make suggestions for improving out relationship but these are turned into direct attacks on her feelings and desires.

Once I came to understand that there were  things here beyond my control as far as how she processes what I say, I began to see the pattern repeat itself. I was then able to control my responses, although not always, and watch her mind tick off the attacks on my concerns for her.

[GopherAgent]

mssalty... .

I posted too early on the last one.

To continue... . Basically, I am saying, don't "WISH" that they can understand your emotions and responses. Step back and release yourself from the frustration and expectation that this is a two way street with them. It isn't and never will be.

I kind of look at it this way... . What I say, Can and WILL be used against me. Since I know this now... . I can better respond to the onslaught of accusations that I'm unromantic and self centered and a liar and a monster and a bully... . and you get the drift.

Change your perspective and expectations so you can survive this. Step back several paces and realize... . It's not about me!

This way... . if you look at it differently... . You can respond in a more healthy way. If only for you.

GopherAgent

[elemental]

You get to be in whatever mood you are in and feel whatever you feel.

Good news   

Then you get to decide if you are going to handle your emotions elsewhere so you can keep the relationship... or if you want to start some drama by making your BPD handle your emotios... which you then end up being forced to take elsewhere in order to calm down the drama.

Skip over the middle part and you get to destination faster.

And it simply is that expectation normal support from your BPD partner is you not accepting the reality. Totally on board with your frustration, though. It's like you put effort out but don't get back what you need. I am not sure I could, or you could, or should... endure a lifetime of not getting what you need emotionally.

The problems in my own situation directly surround aspects of cheating which really traumatized me over and over and appear to still be happening. For now I am staying, but long term, it's a deal breaker, because mainly I am not holding up well to it.

Maybe you will have to decide at a future date, too, if these problems you have with your BPD are a  deal breaker.

[mssalty]

The good part is that I know all of this.   The bad part is that I really don't have anyone I can trust to offload to these days.   I have more clarity (and less anger) about what is BPD type behavior and what isn't, but that clarity sometimes is less helpful emotionally than when you feel like somehow you can control the situation. 

I still remain amazed at the  lack of empathy, the levels of self delusion, the inability to compare their own behavior to the behavior the abhor in others, and the sudden anger when they sense frustration at all in you.   But these days I have no trouble seeing how it all ties back to self-protection at all costs.

I just can't imagine the depths you have to be in emotionally where making someone else feel worse has a comforting effect on you.   

[Bulgakov]

I find myself being in a semi-depressed mood all the time. Any noticeable emotions get these frustrating reactions from my BPDw. Se also the thread about how "they" hi-jack what would be our emotional responses.

This, on so many levels. I can never have a bad day or talk about my issues. I have actually learned to just not share anything about my day. Puts all the pressure to be intimate on me but then I'm running to the store for dinner right after work and other such errands before homework, then I have time for nothing. Since everything revolves around her schedule it would be nice if she could put some effort into things... . even though she is moving soon.

[hergestridge]

Puts all the pressure to be intimate on me but then I'm running to the store for dinner right after work and other such errands before homework, then I have time for nothing. Since everything revolves around her schedule it would be nice if she could put some effort

Almost off-topic, but sharing time is a weird issue. If ask her to give me time or space she becomes "tough negotiator" and I end up getting half and hour "If it's really necessary". If she's done something stupid and wants to repent, all of a sudden I have all the time in the world for few weeks. It's like a power trip.

[GopherAgent]

mssalty... .

I'm glad to see you "see" what's going on. This is relief in and of itself and allows you to cope better with it and know what's happening when it is happening so you don't have to react to it.

I continue to be amazed by the very same things that amaze you about this condition as I look at what she does and says when she's disregulated and can't help wondering why she can't see how destructive and hurtful this is to her and our relationship. And then, I realize, I just fell into the trap again... . wishing she "UNDERSTOOD" me and why she can't see what she is doing to herself. But then, I have to step back and realize that she doesn't and can't think normally. So, I relax a little and step back and let it go as best I can so I face it somewhat rationally and sanely when it happens.

It's sad to know that the games she has to play may never end and that I may have to eventually come to the reality that I will never have a "normal" and loving relationship with her. What tomorrow brings is something I have to consider and plan for. But, now, at least, I have a clearer view of the forces in our relationship and just where this might be heading.

So, I encourage you to find ways for you to take care of yourself and let the madness go. I sounds like you have a good start on knowing what's going on. Invest in yourself. Do you have a hobby or read? Take time to rebuild and strengthen your emotional base. I know this is helping me. I concentrate some of my energy into my hobby to build skills so that I have something to measure my progress with.

Thanks... . GopherAgent

[elemental]

Not having anyone to talk to ... . it's a really lonely feeling.

I myself am dealing with some very difficult things. My boyfriend always focuses on how upset I am, and avoids any discussion on WHY I am upset.

He told me yesterday that he has learned his lesson about being around people who "make" him feel bad. So he is staying away from them. Specifically he means I am making him feel bad, so he is explaining why I am getting the silent treatment. A warning, I suppose, for what is happening today and until he decides he has inflicted enough hurt on me that I am too beaten to keep reinforcing the boundry of no more overnights at his ex's.

I am sitting here today. I know there will be more overnights. His son's birthday is in 4 days and it is the PERFECT excuse to appear to have a valid reason to stay over night there. And I already know, and my heart is sad, but he will be ignoring Valentine's Day this year to punish me for "being a pain in the a$$."

He is on a business trip and has set skype up so he is online at his office but shows as offline. He keeps it 100% set as offline since this past October and I can't tell anymore if he is there or not, he chats with it showing offline. I find it irritating because he clearly set it up so he can come and go without being seen.  So he can check if I said anything, appear to not be there, ie, Zencat, I don't care enough to check on you and am giving you silent treatment again... .

So mssalty I totally GET your frustration.

I was actually sitting here thinking of logging out of skype again for the next week or so. It feels bad to me to be sitting here with the lines of communication open,  while he plays "offline" and gives me the silent treatment. I also feel bad about sitting here ignored on Valentine's Day and ignored while he stays overnight at his ex's.

He won't commit to me about no overnights, and implies to me that he is now deciding while he is there wether to stay or not.

Painful and upsetting. I keep checking around me for ideas on how to cope, this time of year is extremely difficult for me due to past life events and right now I just want to cave and not be stressed by what ifs.

[Perez]

It is not just that you can't express your emotions or feelings as one would expect, but also that you have to be "perfect".  With my uBPDw any inkling of anger or frustration on my part is a huge trigger.  It does not even need to involve her.

Since learning about BPD and starting to detach emotionally I have found that my level of anger and frustration has gone way down.  Still, it is a day in, day out discipline to keep an even keel so as not rock the boat.