Do you feel like you're in the twilight zone?

[empath]

One thing that I haven't quite wrapped my head around is the 'twilight zone' comments.

The other night, uBPDh decided to pick up some fast food for dinner, so he asked me what I wanted. I said that I didn't have anything specific in mind; he knows my preferences and diet restrictions, anything within those would have been fine. He asked several times, and I repeated my answer. Then, he said something that really puzzled me. He said, "Well, that's fine until I come back with something that you don't want. You often change your mind about what you want." I said if it happens, it is a rare occurrence. Now, I know that it really doesn't happen because once I make up my mind, I don't usually change my mind. I think perhaps what happens is he thinks I will like something but I don't, so in his interpretation, I changed my mind.

I was also thinking about some of the gifts that he has given me in the past. He has a tendency to choose jewelry in a color that I don't wear (this color is not in my wardrobe, and hasn't been for the entire time we have been together). He used to say, "Well, it's your birthstone." Um, no it isn't; that's a different month. Or "You like this color." Um, no. He will choose this color almost as a default. I have several pieces of jewelry that sit in a box.

There have been other things that have come up as well. It is almost like he has a relationship with someone else who is in his head, like the 'wife' in his head is different than the 'wife' outside his head. I wonder if the person in his head is one of his former gf (because they were both, um, emotionally changeable relationships, from what I have heard).

It is just something that is really strange that doesn't quite fit in with the rest of the parts of BPD. Just wondering if anyone else has these types of things?

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[Take2]

I have experienced the mis-interpretation of things many times.  And oddly, my exuBPD-bf rarely mentioned when it was happening.  I can't even think of an example right now (too tired) but there were many times he would attribute some reaction from me (after the fact) and I'd have no idea what he was talking about. 

But then again, there were so many times that he attributes the incorrect emotion coming from me and others for that matter.  It's almost like he's programmed to interpret every possible reaction as negatively as he can.

That's so sad.

And it all fits into the rewriting of our history that he does over and over.  Because while we are still broken up, it doesn't change in his head that he still has control over me, and as he barraged me all week with texts of how awful I am, he would come up with new scenarios for how things occurred.  He's always done that though - I believe on purpose - he definitely would say outrageous things just to see if his shot in the dark would "hit".

I would feel in the twilight zone for so long.  Now it just feels like hell.

[waverider]

Not owning his own feelings and so projecting them onto you along with likes and dislikes. So if say he likes green, then that means you do to. He buys something he likes, assuming you must like the same. When you dont, along with not accepting he got it wrong, the answer is you changed your mind and are being awkward.

It's your fault he got it wrong.

I get a lot of pressure to say something my partner likes is OK, simply because I'm indifferent but no point making an issue of it. This is then translated to "my favourite'

She gets to do what she likes while at the same time living a facade of considering my wants. Considering my wants when gift giving requires empathy skills, which is what is lacking.

Gifting always seems to be out of sync.

[Theo41]

Empath, My uBPDw and I have the same problem. I tend to buy jewelry that looks pretty to me but not necessarily what she prefers. She doesn't complain but won't hesitate to return or exchange it. When I go to get dinner, if she's ambivalent I know it's going to be trouble. She doesn't know what she wants and can't make up her mind... . until she sees what I brought her. Then it's "why did you get that, I don't want it."

My analysis is this has less to do with BPD than the characteristics and differences between men and women. We need to be more thoughtful and women need to be more comfortable with communicating their preferences/decisions. THEO. P.S. My wife just told me today she does not want cut flowers for Valentines day. She wants an Orchid plant. Good move. Had she not said that, I would have bought a beautiful bouquet of cut flowers, because I think they are more festive. And this is not the first time around on this item. (I just realized: she's learning quicker than me:). All best.

[empath]

Theo,

I'm good about communicating my preferences and decisions, so I don't think it's a male/female thing. I don't expect him to read my mind or know something that I haven't told him. I've talked with him about my diet needs, and am often genuinely okay with anything that falls within those.

The gift thing is a color that I have told him that I don't like, many times. The funny thing is that the color that he chooses is the direct opposite of his favorite color, and he is a visual artist.

[montanesa]

I find uBPDh to be extremely predictable with gifts. For our anniversary, it's a dinner out at our friend's restaurant. For Christmas, it's a trip.

I didn't want a trip this Christmas because I have a really complicated schedule this year. So, I all but flat out told him I wanted a sewing machine. I told his mom too, just in case. His mom called him and asked what he was getting me and she said I wanted a sewing machine. He got so angry that someone was telling what to do that I didn't get anything from him this year.

I hate gift giving time.

[Cloudy Days]

My husband has gotten to the point where he just doesn't buy me gifts. For Christmas he specifically had $50 to go spend on me, and I ended up with the $50 in my pocket as my gift. He always tells me that I don't like anything that he has ever given me, which isn't true. I have gotten the feeling over and over again that he will not buy me a gift because his feelings will be hurt if I don't LOVE it. I seriously have not gotten a personally picked out gift from him in years. Which actually bothers me because I would like birthday gift at least. And he has actually done really well on some past gifts, he just misses the mark on one thing so I end up taking it back and he gets hurt by that. The last thing I took back didn't fit me, but everything else was good.

I get the Twilight zone reference though. The other day I asked my husband why he never eats anything in the fridge for lunch, he will just go all day without eating or he will drink juice. He told me, because you get mad at me when I eat certain things that are for dinner. So I don't know what I can eat. This seriously blew my mind because I never yell at him for eating food in the fridge.  I've told him over and over again to eat during the day and I don't care what he eats in the fridge. It's like he made up the fear that I would yell at him. Where did this come from I wonder.

[Theo41]

Cloudy Days, When my wife says " why did u eat that, I bought it and was planning to have it for dinner. ". That causes me to be reluctant to eat anything that she might have a purpose for. It happens all the time. Also, some of us guys don't like to eat leftovers . Just my 2 cents:) Theo

[Cloudy Days]

Cloudy Days, When my wife says " why did u eat that, I bought it and was planning to have it for dinner. ". That causes me to be reluctant to eat anything that she might have a purpose for. It happens all the time. Also, some of us guys don't like to eat leftovers . Just my 2 cents:) Theo

Well I get that, I really do. However I have never gotten mad at him for eating anything in our fridge. If he is hungry and wants to eat something then he can eat it, this has always been the rule. That's why I asked him why he never eats anything.