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VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?" Parental alienation is when a parent allows a child to participate or hear them degrade the other parent. This is not uncommon in divorces and the children often adjust. In severe cases, however, it can be devastating to the child. This video provides a helpful overview.
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Author Topic: It seems like they recycle but when they are done they are done  (Read 4809 times)
Iwilldecide

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« on: February 07, 2014, 08:30:03 PM »

After reading so many posts it just seems to me like recycling is the beginning of the end. Most of them recycle but it seems like recycling doesn't mean they are back for good ever. That once they break it off they know it's over but might recycle a few times because they are lonely or their replacement broke up with them etc.   When I read the staying board and hear some one talking about how their BPD left them for a few weeks or whatever and came back out of the blue I always think this person is going to eventually leave the non. It's just aaytwr of time. Do you guys agree?
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santa
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« Reply #1 on: February 07, 2014, 08:49:55 PM »

I think all BPD relationships are doomed no matter what the situation. BPDs are impossible to deal with and the longer you stay with them, the worse their behavior is. Unless you just want to be a caretaker forever, the relationship will end one way or another.

The only way for someone to stay with a BPD long term is to completely sacrifice their lives and dignity and exclusively cater to the needs of the BPD forever. It's essentially martyrdom. 

Recycling is just delaying the inevitable.
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fromheeltoheal
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« Reply #2 on: February 07, 2014, 08:50:02 PM »

Breaking up and getting back together is part of relationships sometimes- healthy people do it.  For a borderline it's part of the push/pull chaos of the disorder, and of course it takes two people to get back together; if folks break up and get back together several, or many, times, they're both addicted to the crazy, and you gotta ask yourself Why would I do that?
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RecycledNoMore
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« Reply #3 on: February 08, 2014, 04:46:58 PM »

Yes, when they are done, they are done.

Its all about their needs.

They are in control and essentially, you dont matter.Its just your turn.

Somebody else will have a turn after you.

And so on and so fourth.

I think recycles are just prolonging the inevitable.

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Moonie75
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« Reply #4 on: February 08, 2014, 04:55:40 PM »

They are absolutely 'done' at the first break up! That's what they feel & believe. And they feel & believe it with absolute conviction!

Each subsequent 'leaving' episode includes the same ABSOLUTE FEELINGS & BELIEFS!

They're 'done' every time. Just sometimes they don't 'NEED' you for longer periods than other times.

It is only over FOREVER when the other partner in the dance (us), don't wanna dance no more! They're never 'done' till we are 'done'!

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Johnny Alias
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« Reply #5 on: February 08, 2014, 05:06:11 PM »

I think all BPD relationships are doomed no matter what the situation. BPDs are impossible to deal with and the longer you stay with them, the worse their behavior is. Unless you just want to be a caretaker forever, the relationship will end one way or another.

The only way for someone to stay with a BPD long term is to completely sacrifice their lives and dignity and exclusively cater to the needs of the BPD forever. It's essentially martyrdom. 

Recycling is just delaying the inevitable.

100% accurate. You will be devalued eventually and then it is OVER. Remember no slight or perceived transgression leaves their mind. Ever. Even stuff you thought you had resolved will still be brought up. Think of it like a scale. Each offense is a weight and once it tips you are toast... . And it will always happen because they can find insult and injury in almost anything not matter how innocent.
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toomanytears
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« Reply #6 on: February 08, 2014, 05:57:54 PM »


100% accurate. You will be devalued eventually and then it is OVER. Remember no slight or perceived transgression leaves their mind. Ever. Even stuff you thought you had resolved will still be brought up. Think of it like a scale. Each offense is a weight and once it tips you are toast... . And it will always happen because they can find insult and injury in almost anything not matter how innocent. [/quote]
Yup. That's it Johnny Alias you are spot on. I knew it was totally over when my BPDh started quoting stuff that had happened 20 years previously. And that stuff was fictitious in the first place! There is no hope against minds that are so contorted. Getting out of it is hard though. These boards are the best antidote.
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mgl210
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« Reply #7 on: February 08, 2014, 06:04:40 PM »

Just want to throw in my two cents... .

When a BPD is done with a rs, I think that they feel guilty somewhat. I don't think all of them have a bad bone in their body. Sure, they paint us black and make us into the bad person. But, then again what if the breakup was because of something that we contributed that made them feel as if we abandoned them? For example, I ask myself all the time why did my BPD ex gf breakup with me this time? I think its bc she took it as me not being able to hold onto a ring and necklace that she gave me as a reason to think that I wasn't taking her seriously. I am not defending them, I think that somewhere inside of their mindset that they do miss us and what they had with us, but because of certain enviromental factors that they are terrified of getting too close, whether it be bc of bad parenting from their parents or from douchebags and people that have made them scared to get too close to others.

Like I said, just my two cents. Doesn't mean I am right or wrong, just an opinion

MGL
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Pearl55
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« Reply #8 on: February 08, 2014, 06:20:41 PM »

In fact our BPD relationships ended when idealisation stage ended! Everytime I read "failed BPD relationships" in leaving board I get very angry because BPD relationships are ALL failures no matter we stay or leave or they leave us!

A borderline is not able to leave a relationship unless they have a replacement or we leave us. Everytime non borderlines are recycled and borderlines are successful at their games, their devaluations becomes more because they see non borderlines as non intelligents and not good enough for them for believing their lies!

In my experience NON sexual intelligent borderlines won't leave their partners especially if they are in long term relationships. Usually hyper sexual ones leave because they use sex as a tool to hook people.
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Pearl55
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« Reply #9 on: February 08, 2014, 06:23:56 PM »

When borderlines enter hater phase they become EMOTIONALY detached but still won't leave!
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mgl210
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« Reply #10 on: February 08, 2014, 06:25:28 PM »

I agree with you that no matter what the rs can be deemed a failure. In my case, if I did one thing, i was considered too controlling, and if I didn't do another, I was deemed not caring. At the same token, life with her was a big ball of stress and without her, it feels like a real big empty void. It doesn't always have to be a failure per say. I strongly believe that it could turn into a success if both parties are willing to put in the work and stand behind one another. Then again., this is all my opinion

MGL
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Pearl55
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« Reply #11 on: February 08, 2014, 06:31:45 PM »

Just want to throw in my two cents... .

When a BPD is done with a rs, I think that they feel guilty somewhat. I don't think all of them have a bad bone in their body. Sure, they paint us black and make us into the bad person. But, then again what if the breakup was because of something that we contributed that made them feel as if we abandoned them? For example, I ask myself all the time why did my BPD ex gf breakup with me this time? I think its bc she took it as me not being able to hold onto a ring and necklace that she gave me as a reason to think that I wasn't taking her seriously. I am not defending them, I think that somewhere inside of their mindset that they do miss us and what they had with us, but because of certain enviromental factors that they are terrified of getting too close, whether it be bc of bad parenting from their parents or from douchebags and people that have made them scared to get too close to others.



Like I said, just my two cents. Doesn't mean I am right or wrong, just an opinion

MGL

Nothing ever in our BPD relationships is about US. Everything is about them, their needs. That's a difference between a disordered person and a non disordered one. They are only 3 year old. Is a 3 year old able to love, to miss, to care for somebody else? A 3 year old world is very different to us.  
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mgl210
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« Reply #12 on: February 08, 2014, 06:38:58 PM »

Like I said, it was just an opinion. Not all BPDs are the same. Its like saying... oh you're white, you must not like certain things, because you aren't this ethnic group or that ethnic group... . I mean, you could be right about them all, but I would not want to put them all into one category, because that wouldn't be fair. I don't know about your ex, but sometimes I think mine truly does miss me and wants to be with me. Maybe she is coherent enough to see how much stress she puts on me when we are together, and feels maybe she needs time to herself to understand why she puts that undue stress on me. Maybe just maybe its her way of working on herself so that she feels maybe she could better the next time around? I don't know. I am not her. The only thing I know is that I should be looking out for myself, otherwise the pain will continue., which I have no doubt in my mind that it will, because I am that too kind hearted and too forgiving of her treatment to me. I am an idiot and I can accept that... .

MGL
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« Reply #13 on: February 08, 2014, 06:43:53 PM »

It doesn't always have to be a failure per say. I strongly believe that it could turn into a success if both parties are willing to put in the work and stand behind one another. Then again., this is all my opinion

MGL

That is true only for people with average/normal emotional intelligence.
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mgl210
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« Reply #14 on: February 08, 2014, 06:45:55 PM »

Intelligence can be defined in so many ways. It can be done. It might take years and years of active therapy, but it can be done. Lots of patience too.

MGL
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« Reply #15 on: February 08, 2014, 06:49:39 PM »

Intelligence can be defined in so many ways. It can be done. It might take years and years of active therapy, but it can be done. Lots of patience too.

MGL

I was very specific. I said EMOTIONAL intelligence. Very sweet hypothesis with absolutely no basis in anecdotal fact.  
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Pearl55
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« Reply #16 on: February 08, 2014, 06:49:56 PM »

Mgl210

Borderlines are NOT whole individuals. Probably you think BPD is an issue or problem of INDIVISUALS but is not.

ALL borderlines brains work the same way but there are different type of borderlines. I know it's very confusing disorder to understand. It took me two years to work out what is BPD and I consider myself as an intelligent woman!
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mgl210
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« Reply #17 on: February 08, 2014, 06:56:04 PM »

Shadow,

Sorry I missed the emotional part... I meant no ill will... .

Pearl,

I guess you are right... .

MGL
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« Reply #18 on: February 08, 2014, 07:32:21 PM »

Shadow,

Sorry I missed the emotional part... I meant no ill will... .

Pearl,

I guess you are right... .

MGL

No problem here. I believe you are a young man with a good heart and fine intentions. There is a time and a place to wear these noble assets on your sleeve and a time to not. There is an old saying about pearls before swine. It is a wise man who looks before he tosses his treasure... .
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Iwilldecide

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« Reply #19 on: February 08, 2014, 07:46:14 PM »

In fact our BPD relationships ended when idealisation stage ended! Everytime I read "failed BPD relationships" in leaving board I get very angry because BPD relationships are ALL failures no matter we stay or leave or they leave us!

A borderline is not able to leave a relationship unless they have a replacement or we leave us. Everytime non borderlines are recycled and borderlines are successful at their games, their devaluations becomes more because they see non borderlines as non intelligents and not good enough for them for believing their lies!

In my experience NON sexual intelligent borderlines won't leave their partners especially if they are in long term relationships. Usually hyper sexual ones leave because they use sex as a tool to hook people.

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Iwilldecide

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« Reply #20 on: February 08, 2014, 07:48:55 PM »

Pearl I think you are so on with this reply. They recycle without even thinking about it. It's a compulsive move they don't choose to go that route they just do it automatically (when alone, insecure, they need you) but every time you come back after their bad behavior they respect you less and devalue you more b
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Pearl55
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« Reply #21 on: February 08, 2014, 08:01:51 PM »

Asherah

I was thinking the same way for a while but most BPDs are half sociopaths and all their actions are pre calculated. INTELLIGENCE is not affected by the disorder and most borderlines are exceptionally bright in fact much more intelligent than non borderlines!

It has been proven to me. I was seprated in the last 3 years of my marriage but I was in the same house with my ex. I started to pay attention more and not to be so ignorant like years before and I found out everything.
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« Reply #22 on: February 08, 2014, 09:09:55 PM »

Mgl210

Borderlines are NOT whole individuals. Probably you think BPD is an issue or problem of INDIVISUALS but is not.

ALL borderlines brains work the same way but there are different type of borderlines. I know it's very confusing disorder to understand. It took me two years to work out what is BPD and I consider myself as an intelligent woman!

Most Codependents are not whole individuals either
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« Reply #23 on: February 08, 2014, 09:29:03 PM »

Mgl210

Borderlines are NOT whole individuals. Probably you think BPD is an issue or problem of INDIVISUALS but is not.

ALL borderlines brains work the same way but there are different type of borderlines. I know it's very confusing disorder to understand. It took me two years to work out what is BPD and I consider myself as an intelligent woman!

Most Codependents are not whole individuals either

So, true, Waifed.  I'm learning more and more about who I am.  A little boy trying to save his mother from a alcoholic father.  I will never forget the day, I punched my father in the face. I was in 5th grade. I hit him because he told my mom she burned the eggs, and they sucked.

He sobered up shortly after that, and became a great man.  I loved him when he died, and so did my mother and sister.  My cousins who had alcoholic dads always said they wished their dads would have turned their lives around.

But I'll be god**n IF I EVER ADMIT MY EX IS SMARTER THAN ME! LOL
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« Reply #24 on: February 08, 2014, 09:32:01 PM »

I don't mind admitting mine is Arn!

She worked me over more than I could ever pull off mate!
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« Reply #25 on: February 08, 2014, 09:33:17 PM »

That's not to say I'm not capable of pulling myself off!

She did that well too! 
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« Reply #26 on: February 09, 2014, 12:25:56 AM »

Why is this notion of "are they(pwBPD) done forever" so prevalent on here? Again, lets use a little logic here. If the pwBPD was really "done", than what explains the subsequent re engagements(usually initiated by the pwBPD based on the accounts on here)? I mean, come on, if the pwBPD was really done, you wouldnt be reading about 2nd, 3rd, 10th, and so on number of re engagements on here. Some people on here describe re engagements after 20 years.
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« Reply #27 on: February 09, 2014, 01:25:29 AM »

Nothing ever in our BPD relationships is about US. Everything is about them, their needs.

That's a difference between a disordered person and a non disordered one.

It's not astonishing that they are hyper-focused on their needs. Throughout their lives they've learned that their needs don't fit in. Applying Maslow's hierarchy of needs to a pwBPD results in a Schnabel plate painting. I don't mind that. It's who they are. A non should know what you need out-of-them because, "you can't always get what you want. But if you try sometimes well you might find--you get what you need." My pwBPD certainly failed at giving me what I wanted, but at the same time she also gave me a lot of what I need. They chill a bit when they know you're not slamming their peculiar needs. It's a marriage made in heaven and hell. We are thesis, they are anti-thesis--but what is the synthesis?  When happy we are all alike; when unhappy we are unhappy in our own tortured ways. All things change. 
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Pearl55
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« Reply #28 on: February 09, 2014, 04:41:02 AM »

Waifed

That's a big difference between codepency and BPD regarding to being whole individual. What I meant was we could be anybody in their lives!
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« Reply #29 on: February 09, 2014, 03:15:22 PM »

In my experience NON sexual intelligent borderlines won't leave their partners especially if they are in long term relationships. Usually hyper sexual ones leave because they use sex as a tool to hook people.

Can you expand on what a "NON sexual" borderline is?
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Pearl55
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« Reply #30 on: February 09, 2014, 04:00:55 PM »

NPD/BPD women basically have three behaviors toward sex: hyper-sexuality, hot and cold, or frigidity. Sometimes, the same woman can alternate between all three behaviors.

They use sex as a tool to control. Some BPDs due to extreme self hatred they show no interest in sex. My 13 year marriage was almost sexless, like 3 or 4 times per year. Every time I initiated I had to be rejected but if they enjoy sex themselves as a coping mechanism to get away with their emptiness they use it as a tool to control.
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« Reply #31 on: February 09, 2014, 04:27:21 PM »

Pearl

Is it a conscious effort to withhold sex as a form of control?  My ex was hyper sexual and never in 3 years did she ever withhold sex or reject me. It was almost like it was the one thing she could truly give to me. Of course God only knows who else she might have been giving it too.

As a recovering passive-aggressive I also withheld sex from my ex wife of 14 years (not BPD). I realize now it was a control thing but I also had deep resentment for her (mostly projection from me to her) and couldn't stand her need for wanting sex and even hated the way she had sex. Looking back it is pretty sick the way I behaved but in my mind at the time it was justified in my head.
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Pearl55
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« Reply #32 on: February 09, 2014, 04:40:48 PM »

Waifed

Yes it is entirely conscious. Sometimes when I used to approach my husband and tried to touch him sexually he used to hold his hands firmly around his manhood and screaming at me not to touch him. I am 12 years younger than him and everybody used to tell me that I'm a very attractive woman. If we had sex, always a day after that he used to tell me that I used him.

They drive sadistic pleasure when they withhold sex.
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myself
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« Reply #33 on: February 09, 2014, 04:49:04 PM »

Hot or cold, either way it's a deceitful game because they can't be intimate.

A game they feel they can control while feeling so out of control.

Orgasms momentarily lessen pain, but what about the rest of the time?
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Waifed
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« Reply #34 on: February 09, 2014, 04:53:49 PM »

Sorry you had to live through that Pearl. As a former POS, I can now see how abusive this is. No one should ever use control over another in a relationship. It is somewhat comforting to know now that it is a persons own shame that causes them to emotionally abuse others. I am working hard on my own shame.
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« Reply #35 on: February 09, 2014, 05:56:43 PM »

Thanks, those posts were very enlightening.

Most descriptions of pwBPD says that they are hyper sexual. My ex had a very low sex drive.

That, along with lack of self-mutilation (she would pick acne till it bleed) was what had me doubting if she is truly BPD. She is the waif type, so there are so many things that are so subtle, that it makes it difficult to put a stamp on her. Although her mental-heath history + every story here sounds somewhat familiar, should be enough to convince me.

She never took initiative to sex, not even during the idealization phase. During this time, she would readily let me have sex with her tough, but on MY initiative ALWAYS. And the sex was good, when it happened - for both.

Over the course of the 4 years, she became more and more reluctant. And in the last 4-5 months, I had sex with her 4-5 times, I think. I even told her that "not having sex was the sure way to destroy a relationship". After ensuring it didn't have something to do with me, I asked her how it was in her previous relationship, if it had been the same (she had 3 other 2-4 year relationships previously). She said "yes it was the same and that she actually was afraid that she was asexual".

Their sexual behavior is not very well documented, or otherwise I didn't come across it. Most articles, that are available on the internet, describes pwBPD as sex maniacs.
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mgl210
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« Reply #36 on: February 09, 2014, 06:05:33 PM »

My frrmr with BPD had a very low sex drive too. Its interesting to say the least, because she would get all bent out of shape when I wouldn't initiate anything and one of the last few times we actually did anything, she said I could be a little rough. This is coming from someone who was so called molested when she was younger, sexually assaulted by someone she had not known long online, and what not... So, I couldn't tell you whether or not she was hyper sexual or not.  During the few and far in between times of having sex. It was a challenge though, because she would never seem to into it and when she was into it. It felt kinda like she was forcing herself to enjoy it... .

MGL
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