It seems like they recycle but when they are done they are done

[Pearl55]

NPD/BPD women basically have three behaviors toward sex: hyper-sexuality, hot and cold, or frigidity. Sometimes, the same woman can alternate between all three behaviors.

They use sex as a tool to control. Some BPDs due to extreme self hatred they show no interest in sex. My 13 year marriage was almost sexless, like 3 or 4 times per year. Every time I initiated I had to be rejected but if they enjoy sex themselves as a coping mechanism to get away with their emptiness they use it as a tool to control.

[Waifed]

Pearl

Is it a conscious effort to withhold sex as a form of control?  My ex was hyper sexual and never in 3 years did she ever withhold sex or reject me. It was almost like it was the one thing she could truly give to me. Of course God only knows who else she might have been giving it too.

As a recovering passive-aggressive I also withheld sex from my ex wife of 14 years (not BPD). I realize now it was a control thing but I also had deep resentment for her (mostly projection from me to her) and couldn't stand her need for wanting sex and even hated the way she had sex. Looking back it is pretty sick the way I behaved but in my mind at the time it was justified in my head.

[Pearl55]

Waifed

Yes it is entirely conscious. Sometimes when I used to approach my husband and tried to touch him sexually he used to hold his hands firmly around his manhood and screaming at me not to touch him. I am 12 years younger than him and everybody used to tell me that I'm a very attractive woman. If we had sex, always a day after that he used to tell me that I used him.

They drive sadistic pleasure when they withhold sex.

[myself]

Hot or cold, either way it's a deceitful game because they can't be intimate.

A game they feel they can control while feeling so out of control.

Orgasms momentarily lessen pain, but what about the rest of the time?

[Waifed]

Sorry you had to live through that Pearl. As a former POS, I can now see how abusive this is. No one should ever use control over another in a relationship. It is somewhat comforting to know now that it is a persons own shame that causes them to emotionally abuse others. I am working hard on my own shame.

[GuiltHaunted]

Thanks, those posts were very enlightening.

Most descriptions of pwBPD says that they are hyper sexual. My ex had a very low sex drive.

That, along with lack of self-mutilation (she would pick acne till it bleed) was what had me doubting if she is truly BPD. She is the waif type, so there are so many things that are so subtle, that it makes it difficult to put a stamp on her. Although her mental-heath history + every story here sounds somewhat familiar, should be enough to convince me.

She never took initiative to sex, not even during the idealization phase. During this time, she would readily let me have sex with her tough, but on MY initiative ALWAYS. And the sex was good, when it happened - for both.

Over the course of the 4 years, she became more and more reluctant. And in the last 4-5 months, I had sex with her 4-5 times, I think. I even told her that "not having sex was the sure way to destroy a relationship". After ensuring it didn't have something to do with me, I asked her how it was in her previous relationship, if it had been the same (she had 3 other 2-4 year relationships previously). She said "yes it was the same and that she actually was afraid that she was asexual".

Their sexual behavior is not very well documented, or otherwise I didn't come across it. Most articles, that are available on the internet, describes pwBPD as sex maniacs.

[mgl210]

My frrmr with BPD had a very low sex drive too. Its interesting to say the least, because she would get all bent out of shape when I wouldn't initiate anything and one of the last few times we actually did anything, she said I could be a little rough. This is coming from someone who was so called molested when she was younger, sexually assaulted by someone she had not known long online, and what not... So, I couldn't tell you whether or not she was hyper sexual or not.  During the few and far in between times of having sex. It was a challenge though, because she would never seem to into it and when she was into it. It felt kinda like she was forcing herself to enjoy it... .

MGL