3 days and counting...

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hi All,

So, I moved on the 5th to my new place.  I ended up moving with the help of friends, bfwuBPD didn't show, though I hadn't expected him to after I threatened to call the police when he refused to leave my flat a couple of nights before.

The day after I moved, with no mobile/internet/phone signals at new place I went out (to the top of a hill) and texted him to say, "This feels over, is it over?  If I don't hear from you in reply then I'll take it you want it to be over too, I'm ready to let go now".  He didn't reply until the next day when he said, "Welcome to your new home, hope you enjoy your life up there".   

Things are a bit foggy in my head at the moment, though the crying has stopped pretty much.  I get moments of feeling panicky, but that's as much to do with a new place as anything. The pain has lessened dramatically! It's been peaceful not to have to see him or his boat down there.  He lived below me in the Marina.

Late last night, the day after I texted him he sent me a message asking if I was OK?  I replied that I was ok and how was he.  No answer.

Maybe that's it?  I feel pretty numb actually.

Hope to start my job next week; that will be a distraction! 

Will this rain ever stop?

Janey

[janey62]

Hi All,

So, I moved on the 5th to my new place.  I ended up moving with the help of friends, bfwuBPD didn't show, though I hadn't expected him to after I threatened to call the police when he refused to leave my flat a couple of nights before.

The day after I moved, with no mobile/internet/phone signals at new place I went out (to the top of a hill) and texted him to say, "This feels over, is it over?  If I don't hear from you in reply then I'll take it you want it to be over too, I'm ready to let go now".  He didn't reply until the next day when he said, "Welcome to your new home, hope you enjoy your life up there".   

Things are a bit foggy in my head at the moment, though the crying has stopped pretty much.  I get moments of feeling panicky, but that's as much to do with a new place as anything. The pain has lessened dramatically! It's been peaceful not to have to see him or his boat down there.  He lived below me in the Marina.

Late last night, the day after I texted him he sent me a message asking if I was OK?  I replied that I was ok and how was he.  No answer.

Maybe that's it?  I feel pretty numb actually.

Hope to start my job next week; that will be a distraction! 

Will this rain ever stop?

Janey

[love4meNOTu]

This helped me, I have the printout in my purse...

He won’t change.

You can’t make him better.

He doesn’t love you.

Things really were that bad.

You can’t be friends with him.

He’ll keep abusing you for as long as you let him.

He isn’t going to move on to a new woman and suddenly be great and normal. He’ll continue to be the same miserable man he was when he was with you, no matter how much he rubs your nose in how “terrific” his life is without you. THIS IS A LIE.

A few wonderful moments don’t make up for how abusive he is the majority of the time.

You deserve better.

You had a life before him; you’ll have a much happier life without him.

You just need to believe these things and you are going to be ok. Healing is painful, it takes time.



L

[janey62]

Hi L,

Thanks for your support.  I agree with all of it except for one small point... . I think he did love me.

I've heard others discussing this on here and there are many who believe that pwBPD can love, its just that they feel so insecure and unlovable and therefore they love destructively.

I have to believe he did love me in his way otherwise what does that make me?  Incapable of telling the difference between love and madness?  I'm not making excuses for hanging on, just trying to face the reality, however painful.  There were many moments when I felt loved.  We had long days, weeks, even months when he was loving, when it wasn't idealised love but felt real and balanced.  If he didn't feel it I don't think he could have faked it.  There were times when he said he loved me too often and too easily and I felt then that it was unrealistic and brittle... . those times usually led straight into a hating me episode.  It was as if the feelings got too intense for him and he imploded.

   

But all the rest I think is spot on. 

I feel as if I'd been run over and left for dead at the moment.  I need to not feel like this any more and to do that I know I have to stop seeing or talking to him. 

So, putting the question out to everybody to explore; can pwBPD love?

Janey x

[Popcorn71]

There were many moments when I felt loved.  We had long days, weeks, even months when he was loving, when it wasn't idealised love but felt real and balanced.  If he didn't feel it I don't think he could have faked it.  There were times when he said he loved me too often and too easily and I felt then that it was unrealistic and brittle... .

I felt exactly the same.  That's why it was such a shock when he left.  He's the only man I have ever felt truly loved me and I trusted him totally.

I think they can love but it's not the same as for us.  They only love when it is convenient and suits them to love.  As soon as they feel uncomfortable, or you are no longer serving the purpose, they lose that love and usually transfer it to another person.  Is this really love?  I think it is for them but not for everybody else.

[love4meNOTu]

Yea... about the love thing.

Mine professed to love me till the end of time. I married him six months after I met him. Two weeks after the wedding he began to rage at me. So... if you are curious about how pwBPD think about love please read this thread by oceanheart. She's a pwBPD who writes on this site to help us who need clarity about the disease.

For some of us it's hard to distinguish the difference between love and need. So how do you tell when someone just needs you but doesn't love you? Perhaps her thread can help.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=68978.0