Ex-BPDgf birthday tomorrow

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Long story short: 2 years together, we broke up before christmas, she painted me black and devalued. We agreed that she need time time and space. After 1,5 months of limbo and doubtfulness, I had enough. I became depressed, my self-esteem went downhill and she was still undecided about whether she loves me or not and needs more time so I should be patient. From the time since we broke up, she called me every day to cry on my shoulder, vent her emotional frustration and problems. One or two hour on the phone and it was always(!) about her and her problems.

Meanwhile she was cruel to me, made emasculating and hurtful comments about my apperance, financial situation, even my intelligence and no matter how hard I tried, didn't show any respect, gratitude and completely lacked empathy towards me. 5 days ago I confronted about this, and after a long and bloody argument she finally confessed that she does not love me, never loved, despite what she told me two months ago("never loved anybody like this before" "you're the only man I can live my life with"

I was hurt badly. Spent the last two months in FOG just to be used as an emotional tampoo, ego booster until she finds somebody else. She literally kept me hooked until the last minute, with false hope and little baits and would've countinued for months.

I told her never contact me again in this life and kept NC despite the constant siege. She sent multiple sms, called me 10 times in a timespan of 4 hours, next day tried twice from an unknown number.

What do you think, should I send her a "Happy birthday" sms or keep NC?

Sorry for my english.

[BorisAcusio]

Long story short: 2 years together, we broke up before christmas, she painted me black and devalued. We agreed that she need time time and space. After 1,5 months of limbo and doubtfulness, I had enough. I became depressed, my self-esteem went downhill and she was still undecided about whether she loves me or not and needs more time so I should be patient. From the time since we broke up, she called me every day to cry on my shoulder, vent her emotional frustration and problems. One or two hour on the phone and it was always(!) about her and her problems.

Meanwhile she was cruel to me, made emasculating and hurtful comments about my apperance, financial situation, even my intelligence and no matter how hard I tried, didn't show any respect, gratitude and completely lacked empathy towards me. 5 days ago I confronted about this, and after a long and bloody argument she finally confessed that she does not love me, never loved, despite what she told me two months ago("never loved anybody like this before" "you're the only man I can live my life with"

I was hurt badly. Spent the last two months in FOG just to be used as an emotional tampoo, ego booster until she finds somebody else. She literally kept me hooked until the last minute, with false hope and little baits and would've countinued for months.

I told her never contact me again in this life and kept NC despite the constant siege. She sent multiple sms, called me 10 times in a timespan of 4 hours, next day tried twice from an unknown number.

What do you think, should I send her a "Happy birthday" sms or keep NC?

Sorry for my english.

[BorisAcusio]

Few more informations. She cheated on her husband for 7 years with countless men, cheated on me and even on her lover. Low functioning, permanent liar with serious sense of entitlement.

[dansure]

Don't do it!

I called my ex on her birthday as well... . that was about 6 weeks after we broke up. During those 6 weeks we had NC and I was moving on little by little. Calling with her totally threw back to where i started and I was really hurt again.

Keep NC!

[love4meNOTu]

I would suggest that you don't, you are just opening yourself up for a world of pain.

Past behavior is a predictor of future behavior. She's a liar and a cheat, and she's mentally ill? You are addicted, she is your drug, time to go cold turkey.

You have two choices, take care of yourself or be her victim.

What would you like to do?

L

[BorisAcusio]

Thank you for the replies. I don't intend to have a conversation with her, just a short emotionless message. I understand that no good would come out of having contact again, only rage, accusations and a guilt trip. The calling-spree was a clear extinction burst. Actually it felt pretty good to be chased.  I get back the long lost control over the relationship and stood my ground, surprisingly with this little act, some of my long lost condifence came back.

[BorisAcusio]

Always had exes orbiting around her long after the relationship was over. I guess she wanted the same with me.

[love4meNOTu]

Yes, she needed them there in case one of her sources of emotional supply dried up... or left.

You can start healing today, by refusing to let her bring you more pain... . or you can keep on doing what you are doing.

Hugs,

L

[Tausk]

hi Boris:

sorry for your pain. My ex's birthday is also tomorrow. I had to make sure that you are not my replacement. But you're not. Everything you described I understand. Keep no contact.  that's what I would do. Contacting her also opens up the floodgates for more abuse. I think of her like heroin.

warning: to everybody out there. If somebody's birthday is tomorrow stay away from them.  

[Johnny Alias]

Do not talk to her again. Block all forms of communication and don't say you can't do it. It's easy in this day and age. FB your phone whatever.

She doesn't care about you. Not anymore. At all. You're black. Evil. Worse that crap on a shoe.

You don't need her to validate your worth as a human being. You don't. Especially not a vile lying cheating slut.

She doesn't care about your birthday. Do not care about hers.

Just be glad she's one year oldest and closer to losing her identity which is surely based on her looks. Boom. Done.

[dansure]

Do not talk to her again. Block all forms of communication and don't say you can't do it. It's easy in this day and age. FB your phone whatever.

She doesn't care about you. Not anymore. At all. You're black. Evil. Worse that crap on a shoe.

You don't need her to validate your worth as a human being. You don't. Especially not a vile lying cheating slut.

She doesn't care about your birthday. Do not care about hers.

Just be glad she's one year oldest and closer to losing her identity which is surely based on her looks. Boom. Done.

Boom, I can't add anything to this anymore. As Johnny said, she won't care and you will only get hurt. She is not part of your life anymore, there is no need to say happy birthday to her.

[Tincup]

My ex's bday is coming up soon and I had the same thought about IF I should send something.  But I realized how lucky I was to be out of her life and INTO mine.  So I decided it must be MY birthday, I will treat myself really well that day... I am using it as a realization of how lucky I am.  I can't believe that I had feelings for my ex looking back.  Maybe the first time yes, but 9 recycles.  Did I expect something different?  Nothing will change with them, and if be some miracle it does it has nothing to do with you.

PS.  I totally agree with what Johnny said as well. 

[Johnny Alias]

Nothing changes. 9 recycles. 4 for me.

Soo broken inside. Truly. Festering evil. Just brutal. I've never seen so much dysfunction.


Knowing you can't fix it knowing things will NEVER change.

This is what you have to realize... . As painful as that is

[buddy1226]

Don't do it, man! Both me and my ex of two years had birthdays around Christmas and maintained NC. What's the point? it would put a feather in her cap.

[Tausk]

Boris:

What I'm going to do tomorrow and as I have for the late two birthday's of my ex is to find a piece of cake, and  I will sing Happy Birthday to her, and send her my support and love through the intent of the song.  And then I will eat the cake and think about some of the sweetness that we once had in our relationship.

But I know that that any contact on her birthday would be destructive to both of us, and the only gift left that I have to give her today is NO Contact.

Just a thought,

T

[mgl210]

Boris,

I sorta did something similar to what you are tempted to do. Instead, at the time I called my on/off again ex BPD . I called her therapist to wish her a happy birthday. It turns out that the therapist had contemplated pressing charges of harassment against me. I understand that you want to do the right thing, but the sad thing is that if you do it, you are going to feel possibly lousier than you already are feeling and at the same time. With the way that their minds are programmed or set, the intended message wouldnt get through and you would still be painted as black as you are now.


Its tough, but give yourself a pat on the back for taking the time to be on this board

MGL

[BorisAcusio]

hi Boris:

sorry for your pain. My ex's birthday is also tomorrow. I had to make sure that you are not my replacement. But you're not. Everything you described I understand. Keep no contact.  that's what I would do. Contacting her also opens up the floodgates for more abuse. I think of her like heroin.

warning: to everybody out there. If somebody's birthday is tomorrow stay away from them.  

I hope both of us remain strong enough not to make a mistake tomorrow. Keep us updated:)

[BorisAcusio]

Johnny and mgl210:

Thanks for the replies. To be honest, I was only painted black until New Years Eve. We even had an episode what I considered recyle but turned out something other. It was the utter selfishness and her total lack of respect what made me cut all contact. Classic devaluation I think.

But most likely you're right and I'm painted back again. I'm going to remain NC.

[BorisAcusio]

Boom, I can't add anything to this anymore. As Johnny said, she won't care and you will only get hurt. She is not part of your life anymore, there is no need to say happy birthday to her.

She's going to misinterpet it anyways. If I won't send it the her abandonment fears were rightful because after two years of dating and 6 days NC I don't even give a hit about her.

[mgl210]

Boris,

Thanks for the response. Be careful, my ex on the second recycle had the cops falsely arrest me for bogus domestic violence charges... . Be very careful and do what YOU think is best for you... .

MGl

[BorisAcusio]

Something is bugging my mind. The last straw was her going to party with her pity criminal male friend, while I was ruminating and crying at home about why she said so cruel things to me. The guy is trafficking drugs and steal from stores for living, orbiting around my ex for about two years. Needless to say, I always tried to kept him away from her. My exBPDgf is 38 years old, has a wonderful daughter so it is not the way to spend her time. 

She kept it secret and called me the day after the party, sounded awfully ashamed, told me that she've done something very stupid last night and I'm going to be mad if she would tell me.

They've done drugs, drank alcohol and knowing about her promiscuous sexual behavior amplified by getting high, I'm quite sure that something more happened on that night. Otherwise why would be SO she ashamed and hesitant to tell me about the details?

[In_n_Out]

I'll just add that the week of my exgf's birthday (1/26), she showed up at my door one night.  We talked and she said that "I was right" and that she needs to work on herself and that she's going to go back to see her T and resume her "work" (DBT/CBT).  I was so overjoyed!  A breakthrough!  She said, "let's meet in 6 months, at the place that we had our first date.  We will just talk and see what happens".  I thought "brilliant!  Time to heal and see if the 'want' is still there!".

So, her birthday came.  I had a dentist appt that day and was in the chair when I got a text from her "Praying for you on you dentist visit today".  Wow, that's cool.  She broke the "6 mos NC" with a sweet message.  I had ordered a small bouquet to be delivered to her work for her birthday.  I didn't put my name on it but she would know that it was from me by the message that was on the card.  I heard nothing.  Got a text that the flowers had been delivered and she signed for them.  Nothing.  Finally, I couldn't help myself.  I sent a text "no acknowledgment?".  Nothing.  My text got a bit more angrier as I dwelled upon it.  I finally said something that just *blasted* her: "you are helpless".  Uh oh... .

Text came back about how wonderful the flowers were and how emotional she was about them and how she did the best she could not to have her picture taken with them and that it was so sweet... . BUT... . she was *only* keeping OUR promise of the NC; that she had broken that once earlier in the day and didn't want to do that again and NOW I'VE done it with this mean spirited text (helpless) and that I WILL NEVER CHANGE.

She immediately blocked me on facebook and has been NC with me since then.  I have also learned that she jumped right back in to her r/s with my replacement and I can guarantee you that she hasn't even bothered to look up the phone # for any T.

So to the point - as others said, don't do it.  It won't turn out the way that you would expect it to.

[Tausk]

Something is bugging my mind. The last straw was her going to party with her pity criminal male friend, while I was ruminating and crying at home about why she said so cruel things to me. The guy is trafficking drugs and steal from stores for living, orbiting around my ex for about two years. Needless to say, I always tried to kept him away from her. My exBPDgf is 38 years old, has a wonderful daughter so it is not the way to spend her time.  

She kept it secret and called me the day after the party, sounded awfully ashamed, told me that she've done something very stupid last night and I'm going to be mad if she would tell me.

They've done drugs, drank alcohol and knowing about her promiscuous sexual behavior amplified by getting high, I'm quite sure that something more happened on that night. Otherwise why would be SO she ashamed and hesitant to tell me about the details?

This a  big .  Maybe you're are my replacement after all  My ex did the same thing a few times.

Boris, there's a lot to learn.  The best thing is to keep on the board.  One suggestion is to read the ten things that will keep you stuck in a r/s article.

Read that over and over and over, and continue to read the board.

hang in there.  it's hard, but worth it.

T

[BorisAcusio]

This a  big .  Maybe you're are my replacement after all  My ex did the same thing a few times.

Boris, there's a lot to learn.  The best thing is to keep on the board.  One suggestion is to read the ten things that will keep you stuck in a r/s article.

Read that over and over and over, and continue to read the board.

hang in there.  it's hard, but worth it.

T

Yes, it seems we all dated the same women:) It's great to have a support network like this. I must had really triggered her abandonment fears because she sent another sms today. I didn't read it.

[BorisAcusio]

Okey, I had to read it.

"When you hit your low point and things are going bad, I feel that I really miss you Oh God, I don't have anyone to support me. I know that it doesn't bother you I only wanted to send this message"


Most likely she was fired from her job, which in fact, I found her 2 months ago. She's low functioning so couldn't get along with her boss, I always supported her when things went bad, got nothing in return. She has no friends, only a hostile family with a BPD mother. 

[Tausk]

Okey, I had to read it.

"When you hit your low point and things are going bad, I feel that I really miss you Oh God, I don't have anyone to support me. I know that it doesn't bother you I only wanted to send this message"


Most likely she was fired from her job, which in fact, I found her 2 months ago. She's low functioning so couldn't get along with her boss, I always supported her when things went bad, got nothing in return. She has no friends, only a hostile family with a BPD mother. 

Boris:  This is very hard.  I'm sorry for your pain.  It sounds like you and me are very similar.  I tried to help my ex.  I tried to comfort her.  I still care about her deeply.

And all those things are admirable.  We on this side of the board, are decent people of character and compassion, who can be trusted to be supportive.  Which makes a text as the one you've received above even more difficult. 

Perhaps read

https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a109.htm   

In the article it states:

The fact is, we are no longer in a position to be the caretaker and support person for our “BPD” partner – no matter how well intentioned.

I hope your read the article.  It helped me a lot.  I understand the pain. It's very difficult.  Bouncing between anger and sadness and wanting to help but not being able to help. 

Hang in there,

T