Am i allowing her to still hurt me?

[Nicco]

hi there,it's been a while since last time i've been here to write or read.

I stopped my visits here cause i wanted to detach a bit from everything concerning BPD,to try to free my mind a bit (without success anyway)

Christmas time it's been a hell for me,probably the worst period since my BPDexgf and me broke up... . i definitely understood i'm not a fully healty person talking about my "emotional grow"  and that i really don't know how to focus on my life and how to work on something good for me... . because i never found it very interesting despite all the things i'm passionate about and my undoubted good qualities... . i just don't have the wil to move in any direction and don't why... . like if i never had a "program" about what i really wanted in my life... . since my early teens the only thing that I remember having highly desired and truly believed it was important was to find someone with whom to live a beautiful and profound love story in which completely devote myself... . it is a thing of i fully realized only now in this last period.

Next tuesday i will have my first meeting with the therapist where i decided to go to understand why my life is completely locked and focused on these things and i am very impatient to meet him.

Unfortunately,during the last month every single day, i had to necessarily make use of antidepressants and Xanax, (a prescription of my family doctor) because I had reached "the point of no return", i did not sleep for months and i was obsessed by the end of this affair without being able to accept it living everyday in grief and pain... . so in the end i gave up and i agreed to take these medications that i would rather to avoid... . hope the therapist will help me about this matter too.

A couple of weeks ago,as soon as i felt a bit more emotionally detached from my BPD love story i broke no contact with my exgf... . i know it's wrong and unhealty an i'm sorry about that... . one day i was feeling still painful but anyway even more "powerful" i wrote her all those things i was thinking about her and her behaviours,about mnipulation and lies and that she made me believe i was her "soulmate" just to betray me and leave me in pain,destroiyng all those things she said about us... . she seemed to be pretty upset and painful for that and wanted to absolutely call me to talk with me... . i agreed and we talked a bit by phone... . she old she was really sorry about her behaviours and that sometimes she knows how t say "really stupid things",that all the things she said were true for her and that i am the only person who ever heard it from her,that she had to get away from me because she needed to be alone and think about her life and she did not want to hurt me... . she said she has talked a lot with her ​​psychiatrist and she knows that when she's very stressed she pushes away all the people she loves and who love her and is the only way she knows how to go on... . that she missed me a lot... . i thought she was trying to break through again and that she was going to ask to get back together with her but she wasn't​​... . we talked quietly for a few days,enjoyng both... . a few nights later after a long chat i had to admit ,however,that that kind of relationship was not healthy for me,that i began to feel better and  considered our history closed forever because she was gone once and for all... . i was fine by myself but that i had still feelings for hr of course so the story for me was "all or nothing at all"... . she was very nervous and agitated,kind of crisis,she told me that she was not good at all and she was crying because she was suffering a lot during those days... . she said that she was willing to talk with me again and that she still loves me but that she's just completely "lost" and she doesn't want to hurt me because it is not right and did not want me to "lose my time with her"... . and asked "why do you stay? knowing that i could hurt you again why you stay? "... . i admitted that i still loved her and that i what i promised to her during our relationship was true for me... . i also said that i was thinking she was "looking" for me again just because she was very lonely and needed a emotional support ... . she replied that i did not understand anything about her and that is not true,that if she just needs someone like "emotional support or cuddles or sex" she should just look for an another man in town (we live in different counties)... . and again,she really loves me but she's not ready to have any relationship and does not know when she will be... . and that she just doesn't want me lose my time with her (she said it many time)... . she's not trying to rengage me and "i'm not asking you nothing and i don't want to fight with you... . you are free to think and do what you want i don't ask you to stay".

That's it,more or less... . we didn't talk anymore since 10 days... . on the moment i thought there was something "good" incoming since she told she's strictly working with her psychiatrist to "do not swing from one extreme to another" but i found out that my intelligence is telling me again to don't trust her so once again i don't know what to do... . i would want to tell her that i don't think she's sincere with me cause she just can't knows what she want but at the same time,once again,i'm extremely scared that my hurry could "ruin" her attempt to do something good... . plus she didn't asked me to care about her or whatever... . that she would understand if i would decide to don't have any affair with her anymore cause she knows her behaviours are really wrong.

Last but not least some days ago was my birthday... . i admit that i was waiting at least a lil message from her wishing me "happy birthday" or something like that... . i got nothing... . well,we'll see.

I'm enough "relaxed" thanks to medicaments but now the only thing i really want is to meet the psychiatrist and begin my therapy.

I wish a good sunday to you all,cheers from Italy.  

[GuiltHaunted]

Thanks for sharing Nicco... . I understand your emotions completely.

My logical tells me that I shouldn't want to get back with my ex-gf, but my heart says otherwise. I guess you feel the same?

It sounds like she is a waif too?

My last contact was around xmas, and I am considering breaking NC now. Maybe it's a very bad idea. If I can just keep going until 1. march, then maybe take a new decision then.

[ScathednConfused]

Maintaining NC is vital to your survival--that goes to BOTH of you. It has only been through the two months of NC that I have been able to listen and absorb the advice of my support group.

Nicco, I have been seeing an therapist for several months now and go into the sessions each week with the same level of anticipation that you describe. I am very anxious to learn why I continue to desire someone that is poison to my soul and learn the tools to overcome that obsession.

Each day of NC that passes, and I take them day-by-day, I am able to step out of the fog of war and see more clearly just how detrimental her being with me was--and you will also.


Nicco, stay strong for you. GuildHaunted, you must stay strong as well.

SC

[GuiltHaunted]

Thanks for the concern SnC... .  

I don't go to therapy, I have a very patient mother who listened to me for 9 months now, everyday with phone conversation(s). It has gotten a lot better, I have more good days than bad. I function in my everyday life (though still slow in getting practical stuff done). I sleep and eat. But I still miss her.

May I ask what kind of tools do you learn the therapy?

[mgl210]

Being honest with you... . Yes, you are letting her continue to hurt you. BUT, you aren't alone in doing this and you aren't the only guilty of allowing the other do it either. I admit, I still let my ex hurt me too. She and I have been on/off for the past almost four years. She e-mailed me telling me that she meant nothing but good will towards her wishing me a belated happy chinese new year and a early birthday wishes. Do I believe that she will cease all communications with me? No, I will believe it when I see it. I know that its just a matter of time that she will come texting me again and giving me the same swan song that always wins the day of how she was wrong and that she needs me to be in her life.

I don't want to be the $$hole who said yeah you are. But I didn't want to be the liar and say you aren't either. Just be good to yourself my friend. That is all you can really do...

MGL

[ScathednConfused]

May I ask what kind of tools do you learn the therapy?

GuiltHaunted: In therapy I have learned to use the journaling to help get to my emotions, then some EMDR techniques to work on those thoughts and body sensations that accompany the emotion.  There is a poll on this site that employs a very similar idea called Emotional Memory Management.

While the approach is similar, the EMDR uses a bimodal stimulation that has been proven to have great success in reprocessing memories without having to relive them. Finally, there is validation of my thoughts and feelings, something I went a very long time without in my relationship.

SC

[Nicco]

Thanks all for the support.

Thanks for sharing Nicco... . I understand your emotions completely.

My logical tells me that I shouldn't want to get back with my ex-gf, but my heart says otherwise. I guess you feel the same?

It sounds like she is a waif too?

My last contact was around xmas, and I am considering breaking NC now. Maybe it's a very bad idea. If I can just keep going until 1. march, then maybe take a new decision then.

Yes i guess i feel the same as you... . and yes,she's a waif.

Maintaining NC is vital to your survival--that goes to BOTH of you. It has only been through the two months of NC that I have been able to listen and absorb the advice of my support group.

Nicco, I have been seeing an therapist for several months now and go into the sessions each week with the same level of anticipation that you describe. I am very anxious to learn why I continue to desire someone that is poison to my soul and learn the tools to overcome that obsession.

Yes i'm very happy about my decision to go to speak with a therapist... . i have so many questions needing an answer inside me... . life if i'm waiting to meet myself actually... . is exciting

I know the importance of no contact... . i broke it just cause i'm a bit more able to menage my feelings and depression thnkas to medicaments... . and anyway i noticed at least an useful thing... . talking again with her after few months,see her behaviours again now that she was nice with me and told all those things again BUT keeping my mind focused on the cold fact that she's passing again trough a huge CRISIS moment (for her admittance too) gave me a more clear view about the disorder and how it could works... . in some ways it helped me a lot to see her like how she REALLY is,like the disordered person that she always been... . maybe for the first time i'm not splitting my image of her in two different sides,the good and the bad,being able to see her true nature making the loss a bit less painful and not so catastrophic... . and off course what i learned on this board helped me A LOT to notice these aspects about the disorder