Aftermath... how do they keep it going?

[Depression = 72% of members]

I'm now over a year out post BPD ex, about 14 months exactly... . and I no longer check FB, want to ask others we knew about her, speak her name, or have PTSD about going out and happening to run into her in town.   

I have held up my part of the NC bargain I made with myself against her and it has paid off tremendously.    I just honestly don't know how people like this can continue to jump to the next person and next person, continue all the lies, the endless lies.   I never knew people like this ever existed.   I know in the end that her family has know that something is majorly wrong, they just have no power to stop it.   At some point I would imagine that she would at least say something as in sorry, or hope you are ok, but I know she is disordered and it won't happen.   

[ScotisGone74]

I'm now over a year out post BPD ex, about 14 months exactly... . and I no longer check FB, want to ask others we knew about her, speak her name, or have PTSD about going out and happening to run into her in town.   

I have held up my part of the NC bargain I made with myself against her and it has paid off tremendously.    I just honestly don't know how people like this can continue to jump to the next person and next person, continue all the lies, the endless lies.   I never knew people like this ever existed.   I know in the end that her family has know that something is majorly wrong, they just have no power to stop it.   At some point I would imagine that she would at least say something as in sorry, or hope you are ok, but I know she is disordered and it won't happen.   

[node4]

I am almost at 3 months, recycle number 4, and I have maintained NC. I can't tell you how many times I have said, and thought to myself the exact same thing you are saying. Going from the air that they breathe texting you every 15 min, to not even saying they are sorry for the damage that they cause. For me, even in a war, or battle there are places that you should never go with people.

[Ceide]

You want to know when I got an apology?  2 years after the breakup, in an attempt to recycle me.

It was all BS, but I didn't know it at the time.  I didn't know anything about BPD until after he left again.  He would make a great actor!

IMHO, if they try to apologize to you without having done some serious work with a T, beware!

[Perfidy]

a book called the people of the lie.

[Moonie75]

You want to know when I got an apology?  2 years after the breakup, in an attempt to recycle me.

It was all BS, but I didn't know it at the time.  I didn't know anything about BPD until after he left again.  He would make a great actor!

IMHO, if they try to apologize to you without having done some serious work with a T, beware!

Change 'he' to 'her' and this becomes my exact reply to this thread!

[Tausk]

Sadly it's the Disorder.  I try not to take it personally.  They don't have free will in their actions. They can't feel guilt so that can't take responsibility for their actions. and therefore can not apologize, and therefore can never self reflect and change internally.   All they really feel is shame and terror.  And they don't even have a sense of self.  

Add that to the being traumatized three year olds with attachment/abandonment/engulfment/anger/punitive disorders... . and it's a pure miracle that they can survive and function at all.  And in fact, many don't make it and leave this world, either through suicide or self-destructive behavior.

So devaluing, forgetting, and moving-on are the only survival mechanisms that they have to endure another moment of the terror of their very real and very living nightmare of an existence.

Yet, we could see the potential in each one of them to be vibrant humans.  Instead they are barely human.

Truly pathetic.  Sadness.

[Dutched]

Somehow I can’t relate to the point that they can’t feel guild. My ex did show and did have guild about leaving her parents in an outburst (and cut contact for a 10yrs.)

I agree however they are deeply ashamed and hurt (they… not we, are hurt…) deflect there responsibility to see there part in any r/s.

That would hurt them more, then they have to go back into there core self.

For others they live behind a façade, we’ve seen it without. That’s scares them. More when we do not play there games.

Our part fuelled the fire by our character, care love, etc.

Most of us found out about “this” behaviour at the point most of the damages was already done, too late for…

[Happy1]

Dutched,

Even if their families were aware of their actions (remember they hide their true self from everyone including themselves), there wouldn't be anything they could do to "stop" her as you imply. Her "brain" is the way that it is. There's no "fixing" it. Sure, you might be able to make them more self aware or even more "responsible", but they view the world so differently and how they're suppose to get along (survive) in it, than most of the rest of us. It's just how they "are". And, believe me, they'll keep going and going and going (Energizer Bunny style). You are but one of their many victims and set of transgressions they'll commit throughout their lives.

I had one uBPDex that when she recycled an old beau, who when I confronted her about it, cried and show what I felt (and still feel) was "real" emotion toward me because of her actions. However, a week later, the price I paid for "viewing" that guilt was extreme. She then began an unholy hate parade against me like no other. To her, I was literally dipped in sh!t almost overnight. Of her immediate reactions she tried to discredit me, claimed I was stalking her, obsessed with her, etc. at work. Friends and colleagues where shocked by her abrupt actions and dismissal of our "chummy" relationship. To the extent, that they were asking me, what was going on. It was that fast! So, the lesson in that would be the old adage, "... . be careful for what you wish for."

[bpdspell]

How do they keep it going?

They're mentally ill which means it a pervasive pattern that's hard wired into their psyche. They are emotionally arrested so their capacity to look within or sustain some kind of personal insight is very low. Did my ex know that something was off about him? Certainly. But sustaining insight is not a part of their adult skill set.

Insight or peering into ourselves gives us a conduit to fix things that aren't right within ourselves and our ex's lack that due to their disorder. It's a really sad and devastating cycle that has no end in sight because it's WHO they are. BPD cannot be cured; only managed.

It is often difficult for people who aren't mentally ill to change. Most people aren't interested at looking at their own inner ugly. It's not pretty, glamourous, or a fun thing to do. Out of sheer habit we tend to do what works for us until it it no longer working or we've had a painful experience associated with our actions. With a narcissist/borderline the ability to look within is extremely compromised. And the desire to peer a mirror into their inner ugly is the last thing on their to-do list.

It took 2 years for me to fully accept that my ex has a irreparable sickness. He's very handsome, intelligent and acts "normal" around those who haven't gotten close; but on the inside he is a track wreck car pile up of damaged friendships, intimate relationships, and brokenness.

Spell

[growing_wings]

hi Scotis... .

i think they keep going and going as this is what they need to survive. They moving onto a different person is what made them survive the pain. WIthout this, they cant continue.

a pwBPD is terrified to the core of being alone, if they are, it is too much for them, is too painful, too difficult to take, so they move, the new person gives them the thrill they need to feel alive, they begin the cycle of seduction.

in my view, i dont think they have an option, sadly. THis is the very sad part of the disorder.

for them to say sorry, a really sorry, would mean to admit to themselves that there is something wrong with them, and again is too painful to accept. it is easier to find another person and start the seduction again. Mine apologised, yes, but never felt like a real a pology, it felt like she said the words she needed to say to keep the r/s going

[Tausk]

How do they keep it going?

They're mentally ill which means it a pervasive pattern that's hard wired into their psyche. They are emotionally arrested so their capacity to look within or sustain some kind of personal insight is very low. Did my ex know that something was off about him? Certainly. But sustaining insight is not a part of their adult skill set.

Insight or peering into ourselves gives us a conduit to fix things that aren't right within ourselves and our ex's lack that due to their disorder. It's a really sad and devastating cycle that has no end in sight because it's WHO they are. BPD cannot be cured; only managed.

It is often difficult for people who aren't mentally ill to change. Most people aren't interested at looking at their own inner ugly. It's not pretty, glamourous, or a fun thing to do. Out of sheer habit we tend to do what works for us until it it no longer working or we've had a painful experience associated with our actions. With a narcissist/borderline the ability to look within is extremely compromised. And the desire to peer a mirror into their inner ugly is the last thing on their to-do list.

It took 2 years for me to fully accept that my ex has a irreparable sickness. He's very handsome, intelligent and acts "normal" around those who haven't gotten close; but on the inside he is a track wreck car pile up of damaged friendships, intimate relationships, and brokenness.

Spell

Thank you spell.  Although i know this in my head and repeat it often.  Hearing you describe the process brought it to my heart for the moment.   Sadness. Grief.  Acceptance.

[ScotisGone74]

Thanks for the responses.   While sometimes I consider why an exBPD does or doesn't do certain things I have the fallacy of believing that they would ever behave in a reasonable or responsible way as the majority of us would.   Thanks for the reminders. 

[bb12]

Everyone... . PD or not... . seeks things in their daily lives that confirm their beliefs. If we have low self-esteem from an invalidating childhood, then we choose people and situations that CONFIRM we are worthless etc. We are not naturally drawn to things that contradict these long-held beliefs.

It is only when we reach a stage in our lives (like the illogical mess of a borderline break-up) that we are forced to take stock and examine our choices... . and eventually our internal belief systems. If our partner has a PD, what was it about us that believed we deserved these people as a romantic partner?

Where a person with a PD and a non do differ is in intention. We have some sort of 'real self'. As bent and damaged as it might be, there is at least some semblance of genuine sense of self. We can step back and examine it. We are capable of introspection. Our intention, as we entre r/ships is to share, grow closer, commit and eventually service a new shared vision of our joint goals.

A pwBPD can not do this. Their intentions come from a place of need... . not desire, choice, or mature decision-making. So in this regard, they are blameless. Their own internal belief system centres around shame and defectiveness. The only thing that can relieve them of these beliefs is the intensity of the idealisation phase of a new relationship. Nothing else. They need it. Need. Need. Need.

So how can they keep it going? ... . the lies, the endless procession of new targets?... . you might as well ask a junkie why he needs another hit. Relief from reality? Quieten the inner critic? Addiction issues?

Anything where need is stronger than logic... . and where escape is better than challenging your beliefs

bb12

[santa]

You want to know why they don't apologize?

Because they aren't sorry.

They're perfectly fine with everything they do and blame you for any hiccups.

[glacier_glider]

I'm now over a year out post BPD ex, about 14 months exactly... . and I no longer check FB, want to ask others we knew about her, speak her name, or have PTSD about going out and happening to run into her in town.   

I have held up my part of the NC bargain I made with myself against her and it has paid off tremendously.    I just honestly don't know how people like this can continue to jump to the next person and next person, continue all the lies, the endless lies.   I never knew people like this ever existed.   I know in the end that her family has know that something is majorly wrong, they just have no power to stop it.   At some point I would imagine that she would at least say something as in sorry, or hope you are ok, but I know she is disordered and it won't happen.   

It is their nature. They don't think of themselves as liars. All these things that hurt us are their defense mechanism. Don't expect "sorry" or "hope you are okay". It won't happen.

It won't, unless they become interested in you again.

Live your life and forget about her. She doesn't owe you anything, including an apology.

A healthy person with a normal self-esteem would apologize after hurting others. Actually, most likely they wouldn't hurt the loved ones.

And with BPDs... . it is not really their fault. They don't do this intentionally. They just cannot function in other fashion.

[Tausk]

You want to know why they don't apologize?

Because they aren't sorry.

They're perfectly fine with everything they do and blame you for any hiccups.

From what I've learned, they don't really apologize because they can't.  Not that they won't... . they can't.  It's beyond their capacity.  They can feel shame for who they are, but they don't feel guilt or remorse for their actions.   And as a result, they can not apologize for their actions.   And then further as a result, they can't change. 

When I think... . "How can they not feel guilt?"  I also have to remind myself that person with Down's Syndrome might not be able to add 3 + 4.   It's beyond them because of the Disorder.

Therefore after conflict, my ex wBPD  would blame, devalue and forget because in her limited capacity, that's all she could do to survive.  It's survival the best she could.  And many pwBPD are not very functional with the devaluing, forgetting and moving one either.  They tend to kill themselves or self destruct more quickly.  But never forget, they are in a continuous state of self-destruction and harm.  All we can hope for for them is that they burn out and inwardly collapse before they kill themselves.

But being perfectly fine?  I've never met a pwBPD, or talked to a partner or family member who thought the person they loved wBPD was perfectly fine with anything.

Would you trade your pain for the"perfectly fine with everything" of a pwBPD.  Their very existence is sheer terror, pain and shame with no functional capacity to process the any of the very real nightmare of their existence.    Would you trade even for a second.  I don't think I could survive for heartbeat if I had to endure the hell that my ex feels every moment of her life.  It would drive me insane.

But that was my ex wBPD.   There's a wide spectrum.  It helps me to understand my ex better, not because I'll ever take her back.  But helps me to depersonalize and let go of anger and bitterness, which I know can keep "nons" locked in the suffering of the Disorder for decades after the break up.

Peace