He wants to go to my therapy appt. with me... BUT

[Depression = 72% of members]

This weekend my BPDh was supposed to go to drill (military) but after yelling at me before he left, I guess he was feeling out of control on the way out of town. He turned around halfway and came home, ran through the list of all my shortcomings, and then asked if he could go with me to my therapy appointment this week.

Now, I thought this is what I had wanted, but the first thing that came to mind is that he wants to go and find out what I've talked to the T about. He routinely "tests me" by asking me a question, remembering my answer (correctly or not) and then later asks the question again; if I say something different (even if it's the same answer put into different words), I'm a liar. Well, he asked me if I talked about any of my exes to my T, and I told him that I did but only about the one that was a source of fighting in my marriage. I have this feeling he just wants to go and check out my "story".

What he said is that he wants to go so I can figure out all the things I do that make him feel the way he does. And he also wants to figure out why he wants to leave me but can't seem to.

I'd rather him not go to my therapist with me but I know he's going to be mad about it. Preparing myself for the fight... .

[lauren50]

This weekend my BPDh was supposed to go to drill (military) but after yelling at me before he left, I guess he was feeling out of control on the way out of town. He turned around halfway and came home, ran through the list of all my shortcomings, and then asked if he could go with me to my therapy appointment this week.

Now, I thought this is what I had wanted, but the first thing that came to mind is that he wants to go and find out what I've talked to the T about. He routinely "tests me" by asking me a question, remembering my answer (correctly or not) and then later asks the question again; if I say something different (even if it's the same answer put into different words), I'm a liar. Well, he asked me if I talked about any of my exes to my T, and I told him that I did but only about the one that was a source of fighting in my marriage. I have this feeling he just wants to go and check out my "story".

What he said is that he wants to go so I can figure out all the things I do that make him feel the way he does. And he also wants to figure out why he wants to leave me but can't seem to.

I'd rather him not go to my therapist with me but I know he's going to be mad about it. Preparing myself for the fight... .

[blueeyedjess]

God, I hate that game. And it is a game. Control. We have gone over and over this crap, again and again. I finally just give the pat answer of " you and I just look at things differently because we are different people".

Eventually he gives up for a while. He tries it again, but I stick with the same answer. Makes him mad but there is no point trying to explain or defend. It just makes it worse. One answer said the same way every time.

[GreenMango]

Couples therapy is about problem solving and learning to work together to communicate.

It sounds like he is more interested in placing blame.  If he wants to figure what his problem is then it sounds like he needs to find his own therapist and not use yours to beat you up with.

Are you definitely leaving or is this a one of his phases?  The reason I ask is because if you are willing to try but need some more productive advice on how to handle his reactions (and quite frankly his behavior is pretty absurd but im a leaver)  you may want to run this by the staying board on how to approach a therapy situation.  Theres some real do's and dont's when endeavoring to give couples counseling a go.

[lauren50]

Couples therapy is about problem solving and learning to work together to communicate.

It sounds like he is more interested in placing blame.  If he wants to figure what his problem is then it sounds like he needs to find his own therapist and not use yours to beat you up with.

Are you definitely leaving or is this a one of his phases?  The reason I ask is because if you are willing to try but need some more productive advice on how to handle his reactions (and quite frankly his behavior is pretty absurd but im a leaver)  you may want to run this by the staying board on how to approach a therapy situation.  Theres some real do's and dont's when endeavoring to give couples counseling a go.

Great idea, thank you. Honestly, I think I still am wishing for a miracle, that things can work out, but between him wanting to leave and my diminished hope, it just seems inevitable.

[Lucky Jim]

Hi lauren50,  In my view, this is what boundaries are for.  Your H doesn't get to see your T, and you don't get to see his, if he has one.  If you decide to undertake couples therapy, you will need to find a separate couples counselor (perhaps someone recommended by your T).  So the answer to him is No, because it violates the therapist/patient confidentiality privilege.  Your T should not allow it, either, and presumably will confirm that it is taboo.  Those w/BPD are boundary breakers, so you need to stand firm on this point, in my view.  My BPDxW was always trying to read my email so she could snoop on me, but I refused to give her my password.  Lucky Jim

[Turkish]

Hi lauren50. Is there any chance you could call and leave a short message for your T, asking he or she if they think this is a good idea? It looks like he wants to set you up. I can't imagine the T thinking it would be a good idea at all. I really feel for you... . I, like you, and many of us here, have been sent to therapy to "fix" what's wrong with us, enabling them to not look at themselves. So frustrating and painful.

[GreenMango]

Im with Turkish and LuckyJim on this.  Its a resonable boundary.   Its one of those that people mention quite often because they are torn between the thought that getting him in to any counseling is better than none and it may open the door.

Theres also the possibility that the session may cause more problems... . so talking to your therapist is a good idea.

[Johnny Alias]

NO. 

I wouldn't.  This is for you not him.  If it was couples counseling I would go to a brand new therapist and start there. 

Much of this seems pointless if he's not seeing someone on his own.  Means he finds no fault with himself. 

I was seeing a gal a while back who had the GALL to write my therapist with advice about me.  It was WAY out of left field and crossed some serious boundaries.  She considered herself an amateur therapist, but at the same time cheated on her husband of 15 years for 2 with a bona fide narcissist she still insists on defending to this day though he lied many times to her. 

People will speak ill of you in this life.  It happens.  You're not going to be everyone's cup of tea.  For the Cluster B's this is unthinkable in any circumstances even with a therapist.  They can do no wrong remember?  They are perfect.  How dare you voice your incorrect opinion to a complete stranger?

I've also noticed that when they do major wrong... . they try to get the people in their circle to never mention it to anyone, "Lets keep this between us."  "This is our secret."  If you care about me you wont let anyone know about how psychologically JACKED up I am.  If you ever find yourself in a postion where you are harboring evil secrets for someone then you know things are not right.  They are WAYYYY off. 

[lauren50]

Thanks everyone. Sometimes it's hard to see through the FOG! I decided to tell him that I was glad he wanted to go to therapy. I also told him what my therapist told me, "A marriage is only as healthy as the two people in it." She asked me to think of some ways to take care of myself in a healthy way and I believe going to therapy is one of those things. I told him we can find him a T and work towards finding a marriage counseler.

Of course, I'm a coward and couldn't tell him any of this to his face. If I had, he'd probably say "whatever" and proceed to rage... and I can't handle the stress these days (I'm pregnant). So, I texted all that to him (he's at work). Hope it goes well... . and by well, I mean, I hope he really does start seeing a T on his own.

[lauren50]

I've also noticed that when they do major wrong... . they try to get the people in their circle to never mention it to anyone, "Lets keep this between us."  "This is our secret."  If you care about me you wont let anyone know about how psychologically JACKED up I am.  If you ever find yourself in a postion where you are harboring evil secrets for someone then you know things are not right.  They are WAYYYY off. 

So true... . *shakes head*

[lauren50]

I knew it... . he told me I don't want him to see the same dr cause I'm afraid she'll say something about what I already talked about, something I cant talk to him about, and probably something I told him I was over. I'm never going to be honest with him and nothing's ever going to change.

I asked him if that was the only reason he wanted to go, to find out what I talked about, and he said no, that he wanted to fix us and that all his problems stem from me and our relationship so marriage counseling makes sense. (Except this was my T appt, not marriage counseling) He figured I'd back out and is guilt tripping me about what if he had taken off time from work yesterday? And he was hoping he could figure out why he felt the way he did despite all the things I've done. He thought this may help but he knew I didn't want him to go with me. I "obviously don't want him in" and now he asks, "why are you with me?"

Back to looking at legal stuff today. It doesn't seem like it'll be easy to get divorced since I'm pregnant. And I absolutely can't get a dissolution because of it. Maybe a legal separation for now... .

[Lucky Jim]

Why not ask him to find a couples counselor if he really wants to work on issues together with you?  Chances are, he will decline, but it might be interesting to see what his reaction is.

You have a lot on your plate, lauren50, so make sure you are taking good care of yourself, as your T suggests.  Lucky Jim

[Eodmava]

Lauren,

If your husband is anything like my wife, the child's arrival will further complicate this already terrible situation.  You are where I was about a year and a half ago.  Praying for a miracle. 

The reality is that BPD is a mental illness, it does not cure itself in any reasonable timeframe and your husband is not going to wake up one day and see the light.  The amount of emotional and mental abuse you are enduring is not healthy for you or your unborn child.  I hope you have a strong support network... . if you don't, you need to build one ASAP.

I strongly suggest you read the book Boundaries in Marriage as it gives some hard facts on the realities of dealing with a deficient spouse, whatever the manifestation might be... . alcoholism, narcotics, infidelity, mental illness... .

It sounds like you are a caring, empathic and loving person... . the is like blood in the water to a BPD shark.  Constantly threatening divorce is a form of emotional abuse.  Don't tolerate it.  There is life up ahead and believe me when I tell you that being free from the pain, drama, abuse... . is the greatest relief there is.

Good luck and you will be in my prayers.

MAVA

[lauren50]

Why not ask him to find a couples counselor if he really wants to work on issues together with you?  Chances are, he will decline, but it might be interesting to see what his reaction is.

You have a lot on your plate, lauren50, so make sure you are taking good care of yourself, as your T suggests.  Lucky Jim

I did just that. He said he's not interested anymore. He sees "how I am" and I'm "never going to change". Sigh...

[Lucky Jim]

Well, can't say that I'm surprised.  I suspect that he wanted to see your T in order to gain more control over you, whereas couples counseling would have involved him taking responsibility for his role in the problems, which he is probably loathe to do because pwBPD shirk responsibility for their own actions.  Just the way they are built, sad to say.  Keep being kind to yourself.  LJ