Your (my) mindset

[glacier_glider]

The final breakup and breaking off our engagement took place just little over a year ago.

Reading books, articles and personal stories helped tremendously.

But…

What really helped is resetting my mind set.

Just as many of you here, I was down, depressed, deceived, sad, lonely and going through horrible anxiety attacks. I felt low. I felt like a VICTIM for a little while.

Feeling like a VICTIM makes you self-pity. And this does not help at all.

After reading enough (and it didn’t take long because I was reading tons per unit of time), I came to realization that I was not a VICTIM. At least not her VICTIM. If anything, I was a VICTIM of my own mistakes. Partially, because I had no idea what BPD was (my ignorance) and because I flew passed all the red flags and stayed there for 4 years of humiliation, lies, manipulation, rage, adultery and disrespect. Heroin addiction comes to mind when I think about my behavior.

As soon as I realized that I was not her victim and learned enough about the nature of BPD, things started to improve.

I stopped missing her.

I got rid of that grandiose image of her within me which made me think of me to be at least equal if not much better.

After that it didn’t take long to start progressing and want to meet other women.

Yes, it hurts. Your ego, self-esteem, libido, appetite and many other things and qualities may be diminished at this point. But once you stop “victimizing” yourself, you’ll begin to recover.

You are NOT a VICTIM. You got trapped by an ILL person who will never be happy. Never! With you or anyone else.

[Turkish]

If anything, I was a VICTIM of my own mistakes.

That's a great post, U_N, thank you for the reminder.

[glacier_glider]

That's a great post, U_N, thank you for the reminder.

I can't stress that enough. This realization alone helped me so much.



We are not victims!

[Turkish]

That's a great post, U_N, thank you for the reminder.

I can't stress that enough. This realization alone helped me so much.



We are not victims!

I could actually argue the opposite in specific cases, such as in mine letting me buy her a $37k SUV, then telling me 2 weeks later we were done, them 2 weeks later finding out about her affair... . but me almost figuring out it was BPD 5 years ago, giving her a child... . then another despite my trepidations over the experience with the first. Yes, it was eyes wide shut. I might as well have walked downtown at 2am with hundred dollar bills taped over a $1000 suit and expected to not get mugged.

[glacier_glider]

I could actually argue the opposite in specific cases, such as in mine letting me buy her a $37k SUV, then telling me 2 weeks later we were done, them 2 weeks later finding out about her affair... . but me almost figuring out it was BPD 5 years ago, giving her a child... . then another despite my trepidations over the experience with the first. Yes, it was eyes wide shut. I might as well have walked downtown at 2am with hundred dollar bills taped over a $1000 suit and expected to not get mugged.

It's your choice, Bro. Argue and try to prove that you are her VICTIM.

You are not.

In these four years, I've given her the most expensive gifts that I've ever given to anybody. Hey, and I am a generous guy and have been with some amazing women. It was my choice, my fog (so to speak).

Am I her victim? No way!

You did it because you felt it was right at the time. $37K SUV is a lot though. Is she the mother of your children?

In any case, get rid of this "victim" idea.

You need to recover and find a beauty who will make you truly happy. But only when you are ready.

[Turkish]

I could actually argue the opposite in specific cases, such as in mine letting me buy her a $37k SUV, then telling me 2 weeks later we were done, them 2 weeks later finding out about her affair... . but me almost figuring out it was BPD 5 years ago, giving her a child... . then another despite my trepidations over the experience with the first. Yes, it was eyes wide shut. I might as well have walked downtown at 2am with hundred dollar bills taped over a $1000 suit and expected to not get mugged.

It's your choice, Bro. Argue and try to prove that you are her VICTIM.

You are not.

In these four years, I've given her the most expensive gifts that I've ever given to anybody. Hey, and I am a generous guy and have been with some amazing women. It was my choice, my fog (so to speak).

Am I her victim? No way!

You did it because you felt it was right at the time. $37K SUV is a lot though. Is she the mother of your children?

In any case, get rid of this "victim" idea.

You need to recover and find a beauty who will make you truly happy. But only when you are ready.

Naw. I'm playing devil's advocate. Depends how long we were with our pwBPD, getting lost in the FOG is easy. I only lost about a net $8k since I got back a few thousand from cancelling the add one after we got rid of it... . and I put another $1k down on her newer, cheaper car to turn it in and get my name off the loan... . to sever our last financial ties.