This has to stop

[Perfidy]

Saturday night the pwBPD found me and approached me. It was completely unexpected. I had no desire to speak with her. Nothing left for me to resolve with her. I am working through my feelings and I do feel a certain amount of hurt yet. I hadn't been ruminating hard about her and the obsessive thoughts are still diminishing. She spoke a few words to me and actually put her hand on my arm. I refused to look at her or acknowledge her. She told me that she thought about me every day and that I haunt her dreams. Now I dream about her. I have had two dreams about her since we split March of last year until this point. Now every time I've slept since she told me this, I dream about her. The first dream was a near wet dream. In my dream I knew that she had been with others and it was like make up sex. When I kissed her, her lips were cracked and rough, severely chapped, like she was damaged. The following dreams all on different nights were of us just living together. I know what she said was only half true for me. I think about her daily but she had not haunted my dreams. Until now. If dreams are the subconscious self emerging then I would say the dreams I have been having are my subconscious desire to be with her. Haunted, a magical term.

[myself]

I've been seeing my ex in dreams every night recently. Makes me lose sleep because I wake up and lay there thinking about her more than I already am. In one she was being really nice, and I woke up saying "Why can't you be like that when we're awake?" I miss her but wish she'd go haunt someone else.

[Perfidy]

Lol myself, right... haunt someone else. I still slept well. I haven't had the waking at early hours and ruminating for quite a while. I'm not losing sleep over it. I lost a little focus on my self though, by questioning her motives for approaching me, but I feel this is simply natural given our past relationship and the large amount of time we were together. If anything the encounter showed me what I already know, I still have garbage that needs to be taken out. The subconscious is something I haven't got a big handle on. Maybe I need a hypnotist to have a stern talk with mine.

[Waifed]

I'm 5 months out and still think about her much of the day.  It doesn't hurt much anymore but the thoughts are still there.  She is a really bad person for the things she does to people without any regard for their feelings or emotions.  I have processed most of what went on in the relationship and she's pretty much a worthless piece of trash and I deserve much better.  I wouldn't take her back in a million years yet I still have that addiction.  I would have never thought I would still be where I am today after 5 months.  I look forward to the day when she is a distant thought.

[Turkish]

I'm 5 months out and still think about her much of the day.  It doesn't hurt much anymore but the thoughts are still there.  She is a really bad person for the things she does to people without any regard for their feelings or emotions.  I have processed most of what went on in the relationship and she's pretty much a worthless piece of trash and I deserve much better. I wouldn't take her back in a million years yet I still have that addiction.  I would have never thought I would still be where I am today after 5 months.  I look forward to the day when she is a distant thought.

Me, too. I had a dream about mine the other night and I was mad at myself for it. I should have written it down, as it was weird... .

My thoughts about mine are anger now at the fact that it looks like she is getting away scott free with $, child support (soon), a new place and new life. She won't have the pressure of the kids in reality, because she'll run to her mom's house to hang out. There are others in the home that help interact with them. So the appearance of being a good mom is maintained, while in reality, she isn't doing much for them. I have no one to run to (nor do I need someone) when I have them. In the end, though, I know the truth. As a friend of mine told me the other night... . she escaped me, but she can't escape herself. sorry for a little thread hijack.

[Perfidy]

Waifed, I can identify with what you wrote. The behavior from our partners seemed overly callous and cruel. It was like having all of the hurt and suffering I've experienced in my life unloaded upon me in a split second compounded by her cruelty. The notion of reconciliation to me is ludicrous. Straying from my policy of staying out of her head has caused discomfort in me. Speculating what is on her mind. Questions that can only be responded to with an opinion, no tangible answer. One of the thoughts that occurred to me is that she might be in a twelve step program and she is trying to work that step where amends are made. If she was trying to make amends I think the harming of the self or others part was ignored. Not surprising coming from an individual that lacks empathy. Utterly selfish but I'm not going to condemn anybody who is trying to better themselves and this girl has a lot of room to better her self. Another worthless thought I had is that she was having remorse about her new relationship and remembers how much I gave her and what I did for her. Her needs aren't being met as well as I met them and it was an attempt to resurrect the past. Myriad possibilities. I could spend all of my energy trying to figure her out and arrive nowhere. With effort I can figure my self out. Not her.  

[Perfidy]

It's all good Turkish, at the end of the day the only person that anybody is truly qualified to talk about is themselves. I know how important it is to get it out. We're all here for ourselves and when we can help ourselves we help others.

[Johnny Alias]

If I might ask how did she find you? 

I avoid mine like the plague.  I've even got friends that let me know if she's somewhere i plan on being to avoid the nonsense. 

[Perfidy]

I have no idea how she knew where I was, but she did and that's another thing I wonder about. More questions. Is she stalking me? Did someone call her and tell her where I was? Did she ask someone to keep an eye out for me? More questions. Was she acting on an obsession?

[Waifed]

Waifed, I can identify with what you wrote. The behavior from our partners seemed overly callous and cruel. It was like having all of the hurt and suffering I've experienced in my life unloaded upon me in a split second compounded by her cruelty. The notion of reconciliation to me is ludicrous. Straying from my policy of staying out of her head has caused discomfort in me. Speculating what is on her mind. Questions that can only be responded to with an opinion, no tangible answer. One of the thoughts that occurred to me is that she might be in a twelve step program and she is trying to work that step where amends are made. If she was trying to make amends I think the harming of the self or others part was ignored. Not surprising coming from an individual that lacks empathy. Utterly selfish but I'm not going to condemn anybody who is trying to better themselves and this girl has a lot of room to better her self. Another worthless thought I had is that she was having remorse about her new relationship and remembers how much I gave her and what I did for her. Her needs aren't being met as well as I met them and it was an attempt to resurrect the past. Myriad possibilities. I could spend all of my energy trying to figure her out and arrive nowhere. With effort I can figure my self out. Not her.  

I think that ultimately time will heal most of our wounds (along with working on ourselves).  Indifference is our ultimate goal right now. It will come.  When we reach this point mentally it will not matter how messed up they are, how they treat others, etc.  In a way, once we reach indifference we will win and have the upper hand (even though it won't matter to us anymore at that point).

[Moonie75]

Perf I'm sorry to hear this happened to you. You showed a lot of strength by not acknowledging her.

After touching your arm when she spoke to you about haunting her dreams, how did she react to being totally blanked?

Did she remain pleasant at being ignored, or did you see her mood change?

[Perfidy]

She said she felt embarrassed and she shouldn't be there. I didn't look in her direction. We didn't make any eye contact, I kept my focus on my self instead of her, Moonie. I wasn't trying to read her emotions and her voice had little to no sincerity in it. I spoke less than ten words to her. She actually apologized, said she was sorry but not what she was sorry for. That is what made me think she might be in a twelve step program. Some kind of amends. The truth isn't something that I've gotten from her often. Her lies, both black lies, and white lies, cause me to believe that anything she says, at least to me, should be taken by me to be a lie. Trust is gone. Honesty is gone. Respect is gone. Communication doesn't exist. This is the reality. It's my reality, I have no idea what her reality is.

[Moonie75]

I don't know how far from each other you live or how big a town you live in...

Is it likely to have been a chance meeting in a place not too big for that to happen?

Or is the distance between you both or size of town, leaning you more towards the meeting being engineered by her?

I live about five miles from my ex in a reasonably small community & have sighted her a few times since we split, but not spoken to her. I've seen her in a coffee shop & driving by me while I walk along the street. A meeting in a pub sooner or later is inevitable I suppose.

If we were living in my home city, I would quite likely go years without seeing her, or even never see her again. So if/when we do meet I won't suspect she's engineered it (unless it's obvious). But in a larger setting I would be much more suspicious.

Do you think your meeting was chance or designed mate?

[Changingman]

Damn it Perfidy this is it,

Must have been chilling. You handled it in the way you did and that is it. No replays no other option. No drama addiction. I think you did well.

Was it deliberate to see you. Yes.

I am still only remembering dreams sporadically. They are horror nightmares. Very mechanical doll, flesh leaving bone, violently protecting myself. Still feel anxious and hyper alert when I leave my neighbourhood.

Love talking to the old boys around (70+), one said

Thing is, it's not criminal what they do, but going back is!

Strength to you

Changing

[Perfidy]

Moon, it's a huge metro area. 4.5 million. It wasn't a chance meeting. She was there for a purpose. I was that purpose. It is my neighborhood hangout. I used to take her there. She knows I hang out there. I walked away. I left. She left also. I drove around for about twenty minutes and returned. She was gone. If she was there, I would have considered that she might have had other business there. Not only that, she stated to me that she shouldn't even be there. Probably because of her boyfriend. Yuk. Seriously? Who would want to be in this bs? If her boyfriend knew she was trying to have contact with me, well, I guess if I were her boyfriend and she was sneaking behind my back to see her ex, curtains. That's what's so strange about this. The BPD. I usually don't have much problem ending relationships. The complex bond. All of the dynamics between non and disorder. Interesting place. Welcome to the twilight zone.

[santa]

Must be something going around. I had a dream about my ex recently too. First time in months.

In my dream, we were just living together again and I was all disappointed because I was back in the same old situation. Then, I woke up and realized it was just a dream and felt very relieved.

I know for a fact, Perfidy, that you absolutely do not want to be with your ex. Don't let her start targeting you and wear down your resolve.

[Perfidy]

Changingman, yes it was a time when I had to let the ice water run through my veins. It was extremely hard to behave this way with someone that I thought I loved so much. It's like I've been saying all along, I'm a strong person. That's why I figured I could keep a disordered person as a gf. She told me about it in the beginning. So strange how this evolved. The non-disordered relationship. The wounded bird. Wow... all of predictable dynamics I had some awareness of. Along with that awareness should be one of those big red triangles and an exclamation point. The awareness should be like this: WARNING! little red flags... Who even slows down for those? When I see those red flags on the road I just go around them and forget them as soon as I pass them. What I need are concrete barriers with yellow and black stripes on them and spikes all over the ground with razor wire on top and a guy in a tower with a machine gun. Then maybe

[Moonie75]

That's what's so strange about this. The BPD. I usually don't have much problem ending relationships. The complex bond. All of the dynamics between non and disorder. Interesting place. Welcome to the twilight zone.

I'm currently fashioning myself a space rocket from cardboard, washing up liquid bottles, and second hand bone china saucers. On completion I'm going to get my 3 year old niece to draw me crayon map of the route to Saturn. Then I'm good to go & get away from my uBPDex.  

I can send my dog to pick you up & chauffeur you back here across the Atlantic on a dog biscuit.

Would you like me to include a seat for you Perf?

As this is a first build, I've even got a plan B. There's a factory not too far from here that makes oak wardrobes, thousands of em. We can bust into there & find our way to Narnia!


Desperate times, desperate measures mate. But you're welcome to join me & get us ass's outa here, man!

[myself]

Same people, same place. Time went by. Made some changes.

[Perfidy]

Santa, I just woke up a little while ago. I've had yet another dream with her in it. It's so weird. The first dream was sexual. None of the others were. The dream I just experienced was push pull. It was feature length. She did some thoughtless things and I allowed her to. Then she pulled away, I needed to keep her happy. I wanted her to be happy. Seems so weird. Ever since she told me how I haunt her dreams and the stalking incident I've been haunted by her in my own dreams. I can't wait for the one where she bolts.

[Perfidy]

  funny Moon, build the rocket but make it a four seater. We can take the ex's to Saturn and leave them there. At first I was kind of bothered by these dreams. I'm seeing a progression in them now. It's like my subconscious is telling me its a dead end road.

[Moonie75]

I've got a real good solid friend, very mellow kind of 'new age' thinker & fantastic listener.

He's always saying "The wisest person you'll ever meet, is the subconscious YOU".


How confident are you that your meeting won't be repeated again soon?

[Perfidy]

Well Moon, she is crazy but she's not stupid. That makes for an unpredictable mess. She had been reaching out to me from an unknown number to my second line and I was unaware of it for a while. Now that I am back in town and she knows it, she has approached me in person. She did it once, she could do it again. I've considered contacting her and asking her to keep away from me but she doesn't ever listen to me. Communication at this point is nonexistent. Pointless. Action speaks louder than words. I walked away. A normal person would get it. Besides, it's already been said. My rational mind says she gets it. The fu€ked up part says she will do it again. I'm in uncharted territory. Her script is disorder. What's my script? I almost want to send a restraining order her way for my own protection. They don't call it crazy for nothing.