why we stay

[PaulaJeanne]

Its not always romantic or even dramatic. I'm so totally not interested in meeting anyone else. I have major complications with money, housing, child care, elder care. ll these would require expensive, extensive remodelling. My dh is not  horrible person, and at this jaded pont of my life, I believe not many men are any better.

I don't have deliusions of the cinderalla ending. Things are what they are. It could be a lot worse. My job is to keep in reasonable. then life is a success

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[misneach]

I had this conversation with my mom this morning on the way to work. She doesn't get why I stay. I've had 2 previous husbands before my uBPDh and to be perfectly honest I agree with you; they weren't really any better. Even with the BPD behaviors; a man is still a man (no offense guys!) My family has a saying, "It's hard to soar like an eagle when you are surrounded by turkeys" and generally its the men in our family that we refer to as the turkeys although bosses and others do occasionally get the title.

My thought is... . why trade a turkey for another turkey? You can marinade it, stuff it, fry it, or roast it but no matter how you flavor it up and no matter what brand you have... . a turkey is still a turkey.

No man or woman is perfect and no relationship is without it's difficulties. Eventually you wake up and realize that your knight in shining armor really is just an idiot in tin foil but if that idiot is willing to put up with your idiocy and your failure to be the perfect princess and you can appreciate the tin foil for the tin foil then you have it made. There is no fairy tale and even with a BPD s/o; life is what you make it.

I stay because I love him. I stay because he needs just one person in this world who doesn't think he's expendable. I stay because he doesn't control my happiness... . I do. I stay because as rough as life often is with him... . the worst day with him is better than a good day without him.

My husband is 40. He has had a life of massive drug addiction and alcoholism; he smokes like a chimney. I am under no illusion that he will live to be a very old man. One day he will be gone and more than anything I will wish we could have just one more good day or even just one more good fight.

I stay because even after all we've been through... . that thought still brings me to tears. 

[Lilibeth]

Wow misneach, how fantastic! These words 'I stay because I love him. I stay because he needs just one person in this world who doesn't think he's expendable. I stay because he doesn't control my happiness... . I do,' brought tears to my eyes... . you must be a very strong and lovely person... .

It's taken me so long to believe that life is not a fairy tale, misneach, and living with a BPD husband has been, till now - till i joined this family, something that i couldn't get a grip on... . i was in a neither here nor there kind of state, and having totally lost sight of who i was over the years, i found that i was in a whirlpool that was sucking me in deeper and deeper. I'm now beginning to understand and 'get' what controlling my own happiness means, by understanding what BPD is really all about from this site, and all the sharing.

[unicorn2014]

I too like the statement about him not controlling your happiness, but you controlling it. I also agree that nobody is perfect, everybody has their flaws. I'm thankful my dBPD partner is quitting smoking!

[Lilibeth]

That's reason to celebrate, unicorn2014 - and we'll celebrate with you!

Every little positive thing matters is what i'm learning... . gives that tiny boost up, which for us who live with BPDs, means a lot

[unicorn2014]

That's reason to celebrate, unicorn2014 - and we'll celebrate with you!

Every little positive thing matters is what i'm learning... . gives that tiny boost up, which for us who live with BPDs, means a lot

He also started on medication and saw a psychiatrist and is on a waiting list for therapy.

[Lilibeth]

Clearly a time to celebrate unicorn2014, and definitely a time to give yourself a treat!

[misneach]

Lilibeth - It took me awhile to get a grip on things too. At first I was in a constant state of turmoil and hurt but the more I learned the better it got. I can't stress enough and I say it often that is wasn't him that changed to make it better it was me. Knowledge truly is power and power is sustaining.

Strength is hard won and as so many people here will tell you here it almost always only comes after a phase of complete weakness and despair. The essence of being a BPD spouse or partner is you have to know your weaknesses before you know your strengths. You'll get there. I also kinda have an edge in that I have a degree in mental health counseling.

Even with all of that I have good days and bad days. All the training and strength in the world doesn't mean you are immune to the affects of their behavior. It still hurts and it still makes me angry enough to forget the lessons I've learned and the steps I know to take sometimes. This is why we never stop needing each other. There will always be moments where we need someone else to be our strength and remind us of why we stay when the answer isn't so clear to us.

Unicorn - I am so happy to hear he stopped smoking and has started meds and is seeking therapy. What wonderful news! I wish mine would stop but as of today we are 2 weeks drug free. I'm not declaring victory yet by any means but for him it's a long stretch and I'll take whatever small victories I can get. I hope you continue to see steady improvement and yes go get yourself a treat!

[Lilibeth]

Thank you misneach for those words of encouragement - yes, i will get there... . am so determined to. It isn't easy... . i have to get out of a 26-year-old mire. I didn't know where to look for either weaknesses or strengths - it was just trying to do my best to survive for the sake of my daughter... . oh the fear and the feeling of sinking... . but now slowly i am getting a grip... . thanks again