dealing with the roller-coaster, aka "forgetting everything i've learned."

[Turkish]

I am struggling because I have finally gotten good at setting my boundaries and validating myself although I question it often.

Hi Landslide2014, I'm curious... . what do you do when you validate yourself? What does it mean to you?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Landslide2014]

Thank you for those words of wisdom, lilibeth.  They have created some reinforcement for me.  Particularly, in the simple truth that looking inward is really all I have. It's the old lemonade cliche... . "... . If you're  made up of lemons and squeeze it, what comes out is lemonade."  In other words, what is in the core of my soul is how I am and what I will be able to offer. I am working on strengthening that core and I am realizing that what I can change is myself. I cannot change others. This gets me closer to the peace that I desire.

So, Turkish, what I do to validate myself really comes from support right now.  I journal, write here, speak with my T, reach out to my sponsor or a supportive friend to review what I am struggling with. The validation does not come so easily right now.  Reaching out for help, also does not come easily but I know, that until I practice a bit more, that I need to hear my validation from others.  I am good at putting my amnesia into effect when my BPDH is in a downward spiral, and while I do not wish to harp on his inabilities, I need to recognize them right now so that I can reinforce the notion that his actions are not caused by me.  I frighten myself sometimes and think... . "Maybe I am the one with the disorder... . "  I race aroundo in my head considering that the projection that comes my way is actually the truth.  Logically and factually it does not add up, but still I worry. And consider it.   This very notion invalidates my thinking, so it is a good point you bring up, and I realize it may be something I have to pay closer attention to. I do have to say that when I behave healthy, self care,... . Gym, yoga, walking the dog, helping someone, swimming... . I feel more confident and empowered and less angry. Hmmmm?  Another Lightbulb ... . Thank you for your help.

[DreamFlyer99]

Lilibeth, you said:

Your reality is different from his. I can really feel your confusion and pain, Landslide2014... . it's an awful state to be in. Just remember, for now, you are not alone, you are with all of us here. It's not about staying or leaving... . i think it is about ourselves... . and the truth that we are going to live with... . but, no matter what happens, you come first for you, and you need to be whole and healed... . and then think of the next step.

I believe we cannot have too many unknowns to deal with - we can deal with our unknowns only if we have one known thing to go by. And that is us, ourselves.

I'm seeing you grow in confidence and self-knowledge by great leaps! So wonderful!

Landslide2014,

I so feel ya on so much of what you're struggling with! I tried that detached observation sort of thing, but like Lilibeth said, we are still feeling the pain daily. Without becoming totally dissociated we will feel pain when we're hurt. And dissociation is no way to live the fullness of our lives, I lived that way for some years without realizing it.

What my T says is her goal for me is that I be "fully awake in all areas of my life." In other words, living in Truth and Honesty, seeing things as they truly are and not trying to fool myself so I can survive. I want to do much more than survive, if you know what I mean?

This whole thing is a process... . I couldn't have told you a year ago that today I would be living at my daughter's house having chosen to remove myself from the home that felt less safe and less safe, wondering what's down the road. And my H is doing some really great things for himself that he never would have done otherwise, but I still hesitate to believe he will continue on his journey since I've heard so many words from him before about change.

So I wait. And remain open to what the journey holds. I'm trying to be more intuitive and to run ahead less, and see where it goes. I have much less control than I'd like to!

Turkish, it was so sweet of you to say that you admire the heck out of us ladies! Support is good--no, wonderful.

[Lilibeth]

You're right, Landslide2014. You are all you have. I've been learning that, and also learning how to take care of myself. It isn't easy especially if you have been shoved into the last place ever, and being pushed back every time you kind of surface - so climbing back up to where you should be is very difficult. You'll find a lot of caring here to help you as you try to get back up.

Like DreamFlyer99 said 'dissociation is no way to live the fullness of our lives,' but as her therapist told her, her goal has to be, to be"fully awake in all areas of my life."  Thank you for sharing that, DreamFlyer99. Am struggling with that right now - feel so disassociated right now as things are going on, that all i want to do is to pull the cover over my head and hide - so to be fully awake is really challenging and yet deep down i know that that is how i want to be... . to be aware of every moment of my life and in my life. I know that no matter how much my husband swears he is changing and trying to change, i will have to work out my life... .

I feel so safe here and at peace... . stronger too to work on what is happening right now. I can feel myself unwinding... .

[waverider]

This has been a great thread. As it is now on its fourth page, it will now be locked. This is a site policy to ensure topics don't stagnate.

If there are any aspects of this topic anyone would like to explore further please feel free to start a new relevant topic.

Thank you all for your participation

Waverider