Need some guidance

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Story is that my SO and I were married New Years Eve. We have a 7 month old child together. She had been distant recently, but we hadn't had an severe episode (that I saw) in 2 years. She rushed through with the marriage, and I went along against my better judgment because she wanted to join the Navy.

Long story short, she started going out and not coming home. She's started taking care of her appearance for the first time in a year, including shaving her legs, wearing deodorant, and genital grooming. All of those signs. She's cheating. I know it. She came home from her outing the other day and said she didn't love me and it was over. She refused to talk about any options for reconciliation and therapy. She just wanted out.

I'm walking on eggshells at this point, since now I know I'm painted black. No remorse now, no shows of tears or emotions beyond short bursts of anger that she quickly stuffs back in. The last episode I had with her went out of control very quickly, from bad behavior on my part, and an accusation of assault which was never followed through on. Just like last time, the one thing she won't cop to is infidelity, and she will do anything to make me look like a monster if I press the issue.

She wanted to go out for a short time the other day, and she was taking the baby. I told her it was a bad idea to stay out late, as the ice storms were coming the next day, and she should be back at a reasonable hour. She agreed and set off. I noticed she forgot the formula and bottles. I tried contacting her, but got nothing, then her friend who said "I'll tell her," then responded that she had baby food an hour later. and didn't come back or contact me. I don't think I honestly believed that she'd take the baby with her to do something f-ed up.   

I walked to her friends house, which is about 4 miles away, and saw her car was nowhere to be seen. I called her friend, who wouldn't pick up, but left a text message asking if my child was at her place and that I just wanted to know where my baby was. No response, but my wife showed up 20 minutes later.

She said she was at someones house that we know, that I used to work with and she currently does, who deals coke. His roommate is a convicted murder. I was very upset to say the least. I told her that none of that was happening again, and that the baby was staying home if she was going to go out like that.

I'm sorry I'm being verbose. The basic facts: my wife has a history of smearing and false accusations leaving me with little recourse but to stay as calm as possible and not hinder her impulses, I have a strong suspicion of her cheating, she refuses any thoughts on reconciliation, (but at this point with her behavior with the child, I don't really want that,) and I've been playing stay at home dad, making very little personal money. I don't trust her alone with the child for fear of neglect. She hasn't seemed to bond well, and I feel like the baby has always been a novelty to her. When she's home I take care of the child's needs 75% of the time.

When she last left me, she got an apartment and a cat. She found a new BF, stayed with him for a couple of weeks before moving in and getting engaged. That first two weeks she left the cat in her apartment alone. The landlady was alerted by her neighbors by the cat's sounds, and they fed it. Never in my life would I have thought she was capable of that, she hates to see things suffer. But she did it, and it's a fact. I keep thinking about that cat. I want full custody.

She suggested we just stay married out of convenience in case she goes to the Navy and we could avoid custody situations. This is not something I'm considering, I offer it as proof (mostly to myself) that she's trying to tie strings on me to keep me as backup.

I am snowed in today, otherwise I'd be at a lawyer's office already. I don't know my options here when it comes to proof of adultery, custody, or payment to a lawyer. I have no real idea of what I'll face. I could find out in minutes if she's cheating, but I'm afraid of stirring up the bee's nest.

I'm sorry for the meandering post. I haven't slept much recently.

[restoredsight]

Story is that my SO and I were married New Years Eve. We have a 7 month old child together. She had been distant recently, but we hadn't had an severe episode (that I saw) in 2 years. She rushed through with the marriage, and I went along against my better judgment because she wanted to join the Navy.

Long story short, she started going out and not coming home. She's started taking care of her appearance for the first time in a year, including shaving her legs, wearing deodorant, and genital grooming. All of those signs. She's cheating. I know it. She came home from her outing the other day and said she didn't love me and it was over. She refused to talk about any options for reconciliation and therapy. She just wanted out.

I'm walking on eggshells at this point, since now I know I'm painted black. No remorse now, no shows of tears or emotions beyond short bursts of anger that she quickly stuffs back in. The last episode I had with her went out of control very quickly, from bad behavior on my part, and an accusation of assault which was never followed through on. Just like last time, the one thing she won't cop to is infidelity, and she will do anything to make me look like a monster if I press the issue.

She wanted to go out for a short time the other day, and she was taking the baby. I told her it was a bad idea to stay out late, as the ice storms were coming the next day, and she should be back at a reasonable hour. She agreed and set off. I noticed she forgot the formula and bottles. I tried contacting her, but got nothing, then her friend who said "I'll tell her," then responded that she had baby food an hour later. and didn't come back or contact me. I don't think I honestly believed that she'd take the baby with her to do something f-ed up.   

I walked to her friends house, which is about 4 miles away, and saw her car was nowhere to be seen. I called her friend, who wouldn't pick up, but left a text message asking if my child was at her place and that I just wanted to know where my baby was. No response, but my wife showed up 20 minutes later.

She said she was at someones house that we know, that I used to work with and she currently does, who deals coke. His roommate is a convicted murder. I was very upset to say the least. I told her that none of that was happening again, and that the baby was staying home if she was going to go out like that.

I'm sorry I'm being verbose. The basic facts: my wife has a history of smearing and false accusations leaving me with little recourse but to stay as calm as possible and not hinder her impulses, I have a strong suspicion of her cheating, she refuses any thoughts on reconciliation, (but at this point with her behavior with the child, I don't really want that,) and I've been playing stay at home dad, making very little personal money. I don't trust her alone with the child for fear of neglect. She hasn't seemed to bond well, and I feel like the baby has always been a novelty to her. When she's home I take care of the child's needs 75% of the time.

When she last left me, she got an apartment and a cat. She found a new BF, stayed with him for a couple of weeks before moving in and getting engaged. That first two weeks she left the cat in her apartment alone. The landlady was alerted by her neighbors by the cat's sounds, and they fed it. Never in my life would I have thought she was capable of that, she hates to see things suffer. But she did it, and it's a fact. I keep thinking about that cat. I want full custody.

She suggested we just stay married out of convenience in case she goes to the Navy and we could avoid custody situations. This is not something I'm considering, I offer it as proof (mostly to myself) that she's trying to tie strings on me to keep me as backup.

I am snowed in today, otherwise I'd be at a lawyer's office already. I don't know my options here when it comes to proof of adultery, custody, or payment to a lawyer. I have no real idea of what I'll face. I could find out in minutes if she's cheating, but I'm afraid of stirring up the bee's nest.

I'm sorry for the meandering post. I haven't slept much recently.

[ForeverDad]

To a large extent infidelity is an issue that applies to you.  You can decide whether affairs or flings are a Deal Breaker for you.  For many it is.  However, in the USA many states don't care anymore about spouses' affairs, gender preferences, adult relationships, etc.  Or at least only minimally.  They are considered Adult Behaviors.

What does make a difference for custody and parenting schedules are the Parenting Behaviors - substantive abuse, neglect or risk of endangerment.

If you haven't already, start documenting.  Document everything but give particular attention to the parenting aspects since those are what will concern family court the most.

Also, seek multiple consultations.  Get a range of ideas, options and strategies that will work in your state and local courts.  The first lawyer your meet may not be the best for you.  Use us here in peer support as sounding boards, we've been there and done that, our feedback is based on our collective experiences, the good, the bad and the practical.

[restoredsight]

Thank you. Started documenting. I fear I have very little solid to work with beyond her staying out all night 3 days, one night with the child, and who she claimed to be with.  

The adultery information is disheartening. I'm afraid I don't have much to document besides her overnights and her claim to spend time with some I claim to be a drug dealer and someone who is a convicted murderer. I have vague impressions of how she feels about the child that don't seem useful.

[restoredsight]

I realize that I've been caught up in this power dynamic too long and need to be more proactive. I'm going to have to go there and report and see what happens. I'm just in prison here for the moment. it's difficult.

[ForeverDad]

When I posted that infidelity and other adult activities are largely ignored these days when dealing with custody and parenting issues, there still are differences from state to state.  And some judges may be more responsive to that information than others.  That's why consultations with local family law attorneys are important.  They can tell you what matters and what doesn't matter as much in your state and local court.

You describe a wife who is more involved with her adult activities than her parenting activities.  So your divorce may not be quite as High Conflict as the divorces many here have experienced.  That doesn't mean she will just walk away, she just may not be as overwhelmingly possessive as many ex-spouses described here.  You will still have to be a proactive advocate for your child and for your parenting, especially in these early years.  Many people think a toddler and preschooler need the mother but they don't realize that the child also needs the father.  Despite the common assumptions and presumptions, father are not a mere afterthought and footnote in the family unit.  (Where did the concept of family head go?)  So part of your efforts will have to be devoted to ensuring you are not the forgotten and ignored parent.  You'll have to strategize very carefully so the default but unwritten preference for mother is limited and that father is seen as more involved in parenting and decision making.