Still wrapping my head around this

[Depression = 72% of members]

New here, I'm pretty sure my wife has NPD and BPD... .

I am starting to pick up on all the little things now.  I know it, but at the same time I keep questioning myself.

A couple of months ago, I would have left, but she's pregnant and I'm not leaving at this point.  So, I'm in the "Staying" category, but I don't know how long that will be.

Walking down the hall last night, my wife was in the bathroom and could hear me walking:

Wife: "Are you going to yell at me?"

Me: "No. Why?"

Wife: "Because you always yell at me."

Unfortunately, she has frequently been able to egg me on and get me to start yelling.  Out of frustration, I would start calling her names, throwing her stuff back at her.

I hated it, I felt let crap after yelling at her, but I didn't know what else to do, it was like nothing would make her happy, get her attention, whatever the case was.

She had me convinced that it was me, and I did realize that I did get to the point where I was reacting to her.  She would say something in a certain tone of voice and it would set me off, and I know I did because I knew what was coming.

So, skip the opening act and proceed straight to the yelling.

Now I see all the stuff that I was seeing, but not putting together:

I'd joke with her, that there was a "Good Her" and and Bad Her" and it was like the other "Her" was on another planet.  "Good Her" would be there, then the next thing I know, "Bad Her" was there.  Then "Good Her" was back.

Or the self-fulfilling prophecies, she'd complain that we'd fight to much, then she'd start saying things that she knew full well would start a fight.

There were times that it was like she was picking a fight.

And the complete disregard for me.  I've gotten "I'm sorry" out of her a few times, usually sarcastically and I've also gotten "I'll say I'm sorry, but I won't mean it."

The sniping was the worst.  I still remember riding together in my truck, not long ago, we were talking about something and out of the blue, she looked at me and said "You're not very smart."

I can't count how many times she's told me that everybody else at work is smarter than me, makes more money than me, are nicer to their wives than I am.

When we built our house, she would constantly tell me how I should do things or that somebody else said I should do it a different way.


Through all of this stuff, I'm thinking to myself "Is she living on a different planet?"

So many times that I just wondered what the hell was wrong with her, why is she so miserable?

We have wonderful neighbors, a nice house that every visitor comments on, "I love your house", we have multiple cars, she has more than enough jewelry, tons of nice clothes and shoes, plenty of food to eat, we've been on trips to Hawaii and other places.

Yet, according to her, we're poor, everybody think's we're poor and everybody's life is better.

And worst of all is that I love her, I want to be with her and take her places and be proud to tell people she's my wife.

When she's good, she's great, but when she's bad, she makes herself horrible to be around and every single time, according to her, it's me or someone or something else that makes her behave that way.

Thanks for listening.

[JMS]

New here, I'm pretty sure my wife has NPD and BPD... .

I am starting to pick up on all the little things now.  I know it, but at the same time I keep questioning myself.

A couple of months ago, I would have left, but she's pregnant and I'm not leaving at this point.  So, I'm in the "Staying" category, but I don't know how long that will be.

Walking down the hall last night, my wife was in the bathroom and could hear me walking:

Wife: "Are you going to yell at me?"

Me: "No. Why?"

Wife: "Because you always yell at me."

Unfortunately, she has frequently been able to egg me on and get me to start yelling.  Out of frustration, I would start calling her names, throwing her stuff back at her.

I hated it, I felt let crap after yelling at her, but I didn't know what else to do, it was like nothing would make her happy, get her attention, whatever the case was.

She had me convinced that it was me, and I did realize that I did get to the point where I was reacting to her.  She would say something in a certain tone of voice and it would set me off, and I know I did because I knew what was coming.

So, skip the opening act and proceed straight to the yelling.

Now I see all the stuff that I was seeing, but not putting together:

I'd joke with her, that there was a "Good Her" and and Bad Her" and it was like the other "Her" was on another planet.  "Good Her" would be there, then the next thing I know, "Bad Her" was there.  Then "Good Her" was back.

Or the self-fulfilling prophecies, she'd complain that we'd fight to much, then she'd start saying things that she knew full well would start a fight.

There were times that it was like she was picking a fight.

And the complete disregard for me.  I've gotten "I'm sorry" out of her a few times, usually sarcastically and I've also gotten "I'll say I'm sorry, but I won't mean it."

The sniping was the worst.  I still remember riding together in my truck, not long ago, we were talking about something and out of the blue, she looked at me and said "You're not very smart."

I can't count how many times she's told me that everybody else at work is smarter than me, makes more money than me, are nicer to their wives than I am.

When we built our house, she would constantly tell me how I should do things or that somebody else said I should do it a different way.


Through all of this stuff, I'm thinking to myself "Is she living on a different planet?"

So many times that I just wondered what the hell was wrong with her, why is she so miserable?

We have wonderful neighbors, a nice house that every visitor comments on, "I love your house", we have multiple cars, she has more than enough jewelry, tons of nice clothes and shoes, plenty of food to eat, we've been on trips to Hawaii and other places.

Yet, according to her, we're poor, everybody think's we're poor and everybody's life is better.

And worst of all is that I love her, I want to be with her and take her places and be proud to tell people she's my wife.

When she's good, she's great, but when she's bad, she makes herself horrible to be around and every single time, according to her, it's me or someone or something else that makes her behave that way.

Thanks for listening.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[bruceli]

All the above that you mentioned are traits of PD's.  Look through this site and you will begin to find the answers to many of your questions.

[an0ught]

Hi JMS

Wife: "Are you going to yell at me?"

Me: "No. Why?"

Wife: "Because you always yell at me."

there is a lot of game playing ongoing in these relationships. One can analyze the back and forth - a bestseller in 1964 by Eric Burne was called "Games people play". In a closed system like a relationship it can be quite hard watching from the outside to figure out who is driving what.

Seeking help, stepping out of the game and it becomes clearer. Often the healthier partner seeks help first... .

Understanding and describing what is going on in your relationship is a good first step 

The LESSONS at the top are providing a set of behaviors we can adopt to dampen the game playing and refusing our participation. It does not happen overnight - changing behavior is hard. To (re-)learn to behave more responsible with respect to our emotions and behavior is hard work for everyone.