So... . we were in the Mojave desert when he tells me: we are almost out of gas, can I look online for the nearest station? I look, and it's 48 miles away. Our car says we are going to run out of gas in 20 miles. Then we lose cell service. It's late afternoon. I feel a little panicky about all this. I do NOT react or criticize him (I've learned the hard way, no point in that) but I do get quiet. I'm not giving him the silent treatment, we are talking, but I have retreated somewhat, trying to manage my emotions... . I'm mad and quite frankly, scared, trying to figure out different scenarios, walking 28 miles to gas station, spending the night in the car in the desert, cold, do we have enough water, etc.
Scary indeed. This was an exceptional situation with real safety concerns. Keeping your own emotions under control and your reason working was certainly needed and hard. Now we got to distinguish
regulating our own emotions (self validation, breathing, reminding ourselves of our strengths) and
hiding our emotions. The former is healthy and needed and the latter is usually unhealthy and often backfires.
Why is hiding unhealthy? First it takes energy to do game playing away from energy to act with intent to make matters better. It can be a distraction in situations of danger. It can confuse us about our own emotions which are valuable advisors in matters of life and death.
Why is hiding often back-firing? We are not good actors. We have low boundaries towards the pwBPD to begin with that implies a lot of emotions just cross over all the time. Try to hide anything? The lack of something crossing over is a giveaway. And sudden emotional silence can be easily be invalidating and a big irritant to the pwBPD.
During those miles I was worrying, I knew better than to criticize him, or to express my fear, but sometimes, that's not enough... . he gets furious if he can even tell I am just *thinking* something negative. So. My question: I don't know how to avoid appearing sad when I am sad, and I need to figure this out, because it's not worth the battle that ensues. Can anyone recommend any exercises or specific things to do so that my feelings will not show?
And yes... . I realize how ridiculous this probably sounds. :'(
Given that hiding is dysfunctional owning your emotions is what remains. How to do that? I won't tell you - your last sentence is already a good example :'( ==>
. You are insecure and uncertain what to do. You validate. You share your self validation with us.
You may well have a healthy emotional management regime that worked for you. But you don't trust it anymore. You are getting irritating feedback from him and intermittent feedback can be highly problematic and lead to adoption dysfunctional behavior (gambling addiction based on that).
Now having said all this you are rightly worried about him blowing up. You probably sensed that he is very tense and worried too. He can't share it directly - is a macho guy thing. So you are caught in a dilemma when validating him - address optimism and while you touch on his outer shell you invalidate his inner fear. Touch fear and you invalidate him playing the strong guy. Communicate nothing and you communicate unregulated major fear. So... .
One option is SET. Key is to address his emotions before sharing your as part of T. That gets your almost dysregulated emotions into the open and that elephant becomes less problematic in the crowded space of the car.
S: There is little I can do right now to help you
E: you are focused and want to get us to a gas station, there will be one
T: I'm not so strong and terribly afraid. I'll better keep quiet for the next half hour to irritate you less with my anxiety - when you need to talk I'll give my best
So what does this do? It validates helplessness, it validates him driving and his intent. He may have conflicting emotions but he does have a clear intent. It validates his weakness and fears. It avoids triggering abandonment. It validates him hearing your anxiety and avoids getting him triggered by your silence.
Forward a few hours: (we made it -- luckily there was in fact a gas station not on the map) But: HUGE fight -- he is furious at me because I was obviously concerned, while he on the other hand looked at it like "a big adventure." I was stupid and lame for not seeing it that way. (And: I think I know what that was all about... . he was embarrassed by his irresponsibility.)
Yeah right - he was totally relaxed - that was why he was blowing up. Absolute nonsense. He had a lot of contradictory and strong emotions to deal with during this emergency. And after the immediate danger was gone he was freaking out. You may have been able to help a little with emotional regulation during the drive but considering that it was a limit experiencing situation it was likely he would go to some degree into emotional overload (dysregulation) afterwards. Boundaries e.g. taking some break and spending time apart (I have to go for a longer washroom trip) or getting him to walk etc. could have helped to mitigate the situation. There was a lot of adrenalin in his body which he needed to pretend "cool" and that was not needed anymore but still there.
