Hi,
It really is asymmetric - that's a very apt word. She can do or say anything to me, but I have to be polite, respectful, and even deferential, to avoid setting her off or amping her up. It's like being in a boxing match against a heavy-weight champ, with both hands tied behind your back, and no bell coming to end the round.
I'm picking here on SOS's post as it contains the issue distilled and I like the boxing figure but others would work just as fine.
First - it is asymmetric. At one time we believed we were meeting as adults with both being equal and now things have shifted. While a scale can be sometimes a good visualization I often prefer territory here as it goes better with boundaries. We have ceded too much territory and are pinned in a corner. There is no way out except leaving the relationship or taking territory that is important to us back one bit at a time.
Do we stand a chance? No! Not when we think of it as boxing match. We are not emotional heavyweights - more the opposite. We have lost our strongholds - lost our strategic advantages. We do not want to fight - we prefer cooperation. No we are doomed if we are looking for traditional approaches - being strong, starting from a good position and negotiating a reasonable settlement.
Do we have to fight, would not validation solve the problem? Our territory has the size of a place-mat, life and impulse controlled challenged pwBPD is continuously eroding what we have. Validation is important, very important. First it helps us avoiding unnecessary invalidation - big relief. Then it helps us sense making - all good. It helps us dampening the easily excited emotions of the pwBPD and decrease the frequency and size of dysregulation and associated behavior - perfect. It is an excellent coping skill.
Coping is not enough! We deserve better! Some of us may have a natural sense of that and some of us struggle with having an innate sense of a right to "deserve better". That is a possibly important topic where looking into our own childhood can be quite enlightening.
If we want our lives back and thrive we need to fight! Brute force is not going to win the day. We have strengths too. We have much better understanding what is going on! We have much better ability to plan! We have much better ability to control our behavior and we have skills! The pwBPD may win bar brawls with fists but as generals we win the war!
How do we go about it?Intelligence - we know where the pwBPD is emotionally. We know ourselves well. Sun Tzu said:
If you know the enemy and know yourself, you need not fear the result of a hundred battles. If you know yourself but not the enemy, for every victory gained you will also suffer a defeat. If you know neither the enemy nor yourself, you will succumb in every battle.
Boundaries
- we think hard which territory to win. It may be territory we ceded or one that is now important to us, to who we are in line with our values. Picking and then winning our battles makes a big difference.
- we fight to win a war not a battle. We fight for what is fair. We do not fight to death. We do not destroy what can be avoided. If we misjudged a situation we can be flexible and retreat although we certainly do not like it as it breaks our record. We respect the other party. We do our part to contain fights - we have not all under our control though.
- we don't want to fight, we dislike it and to some degree we fear it. But then it is needed and knowing ourselves, our SO, the situation and consequences we are not afraid of taking a stand.
- we focus on shifting boundaries not on fighting.
- we manage the escalation level on our side (the only one we control) and avoid going nuclear.
Our behavior and skills
- we can only control ourselves. When I heard this the first time I thought this sounds resigned. Nowadays I tend to think of this a one of the most powerful positions one can take. If we put all our focus behind ourselves we are putting 100% of our energy in the place that allows us to affect the outside world - our behavior. Sometimes behavior includes words but generally words are weaker forms of expression compared with acting.
- validation. Validation allows us to protect ourselves from projection. It also allows us to reflect hostile emotions back with little effort when they belong and can be fixed. A bit like Judo.
- boundaries. We know how to put one up that is solid. We can hold on to it with comparatively little energy to what is dissipated during an extinction burst by the other party. We have the patience to get through it and know the dust will settle on the other side and is then receptive for our compassion.
This is an intentional belligerent post. Not because I recommend war - far from it - validation and an occasional gentle prodding with SET go a long way. But feeling helpless and treated unfair is not helpful to get back to a life in which we feel safe and in control of what matters to us.
Boundaries in the right places are a critical part of the equation. And changing boundaries does imply conflict. Conflicts which in their majority we have to win as it is an uphill battle from our position. We don't need to like it but at one point in time we need to take a step out of our corner and move forward. In that process we will claim stuff that is perceived as unfair by the pwBPD (what is fair?) and we may not avoid hurting the pwBPD at times too. These are hard choices and there are real risks associated with them. There are consequences with real meaning which we own. Change can be painful but the "safe" alternative of feeling like a victim is not really attractive either.
