Just make sure you don't make any statements that you are not willing to follow through with. The threat of a consequence rarely brings about compliance untill it has been enacted a few times. So jumping to the extreme of I will not be in a RS with someone who XYZ can often be too final to be easily followed through with, with you ultimately backing down on, and having your bluff called.
This is very true. I would only end it if she physically cheated, attacked me or had me arrested. I think the only other extreme thing I would do would be to move out for a period of time. I got a lot of mileage out of that last time and she has improved greatly.
I guess you need to see the adoration for what it is so that you don't ride it. That is don't cash in the 'adoration', as they believe it is being effective and hence earning more credits the more you enjoy it. This is hard not to do as we tend to "over bask" when the sunlight comes out after long stormy periods.
There is no such thing as a free lunch
All the time on this board you will hear folks saying that when they are good they are perfect, and we milk it.
This is one of my favorite sayings I came across something on a blog once that has helped me. The guy was a womanizer who gave some tips how to spot a BPD woman and how to handle yourself so they did not get attached to you. He was basically going on about how to use them for crazy sex. I think the guy was a dirt-bag and it is terrible to do that to anyone. You play with fire long enough... .
Anyway, the guy did make a good point about playing it aloof and not reacting too much to anything they did that may trigger you. This has helped me a lot and I am very aware of how much I mirror the adoration now and react to her when she gets upset. Of course you need to show your feelings, but you just can't go the extreme they do because, like waverider said, it will look fake.
My gf has not been as over the top since her visit to her ex. I was pretty cold for several months after that and stopped using several terms of endearment that were special to her. I don't know if she is getting better or we have just settled into a comfortable rut, but I do not see the extreme adoration much anymore. We appreciate each other and are still affectionate. Now the antidepressants are muting things further. Sometimes my insecurities kick in and I wonder if she is less adoring of me because she will replace me soon. Then I talk myself down and I am good again. Sometimes I miss the pedestal, but I know it's for the best if I stay off of it.
As waverider has talked out inconsistency wBPD, it serves us well to be consistent (true to our values), while not going along for their ride.
Enough consistency for 2
We are not just reinforcing our boundaries, we also have to reinforce theirs. Yes they do have boundaries they would like to live within, they just dont have the will power to maintain them.
They will never be happy if they are left to roam free where they will. They hate their own lack of self controlThank you waverider and 123Phoebe, pure GOLD.
My back-up T (a friend) has pointed that out to me before and I have been better about keeping life organized into a routine so that my gf can foster her self control to the best of her ability. I do not feel like I am care taking, though I could very well be. I just try to encourage systems and steer major decisions (with her of course) so that that family stays on a good path. There is an art to all of this and unique to each individual. You just have to find what works for you in your situation.
