How do I recover from co-dependency?

[Moselle]

My uBPDw had a busy 2013 - credit card fraud, insurance fraud, physical abuse, lies, obsessions. However more importantly to me, it has become clear that I am co-dependent with her in this toxic relationship. It's not clear to me what role I have played in the cycle of drama. If anybody has had any success recovering from co-dep, I would be grateful for any pointers.

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[maxsterling]

You could try going to CODA meetings.  There are also plenty of books.

After doing more research into codependency, I am not sure I believe in it.  I think the term was coined by Alcoholics Anonymous to describe the role the family plays in the addiction.  I don't think it is a term that is really recognized by the psychology community.  It's described as us (the co-dependents) being "addicted" to the addicts' drama.  And I think the term has been expanded to describe situations where one person isn't an addict, but has other issues (such as BPD).  I know there are people out there who truly are "addicted" to the drama.  But I don't see that too often on this message board.  Instead, I see people who want the drama to go away, but can't figure out how to extract themselves.   Conversely, the true codependent would seek out drama to try and fix or manage. 

Ask yourself this:  do you think what you are describing as "codependency" is as a result of your partner's behavior, or would you have the same codependent behaviors no matter who your partner was?

My guess is what you really are looking for is detachment.  You really want to be away from her drama, but you just don't know how. 

[Moselle]

Thanks Max Sterling.

I actually believe I would be co-dependent with any woman. I'm addicted to the affirmation and desperate to know that I'm accepted emotionally and also intimately. Unbeknownst to me (consciously anyway) I was susceptible to a woman who idolized me, thought I was incredible, and believed that she was very lucky to have me. I remember thinking when I dated her that it was a bit weird, but hey I could learn to enjoy someone who thought I was the greatest.

Well that didn't last long of course because she is BPD and I sent from hero to zero in her eyes and them from zero to evil.

I still crave her approval, even though we are separated and she is not capable of anything close to it. I want to speak to her even though she is so cruel and harsh. I find it difficult to believe I can't fix this. The good news is that I've put in the first boundary over how she talks to me. I won't be verbally abused any more. Either she speaks respectfully or I walk away. She is incredibly highly functioning and I am amazed how she can switch from superb@&$h to sweetheart in the space of a phonecall.

My concern is that I will bring this into a new relationship , so I want to deal with it.

I've seen CODA, I tried to go to two meetings but when I arrived at the venue no-one was there, so it does not have near the organization or demand as al-anon.