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Author Topic: avoided a land mine.  (Read 571 times)
mitchell16
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« on: February 16, 2014, 02:41:30 PM »

well it been about almost 7 month since me and my exBPDgf split after almost 3 years together. It came crashing down after she manufactured an argument, fight and her raging and insult was more then i could stand anymore. i went NC for about 2 months, then starting light communications with her, then she showed up at mu house drunk and wanting sex. I caved and had sex with her. the next day she left and said she was sorry for confusing me. I didnt hear from ehr for about 2 weeks. I stopped responding again for about two months. up to then I heard from her every few weeks i would get a random tetx. I sometimes would just ignore and sometimes I would repsond. I never gave into her attempts to recycle me.last week I heard from her, she wanted us to eat lunch togther. My radar was up but i said what he heck sure I would eat with her. It was pleasant, no arguing, just cathcing up. She then started flirting and I flirted back. She then started texting me and sending me stuff through texts, this went on all day until about 1000 pm at night/ Then would continue the next day. of course I was keeping in mind it was coming up valentines day and I always sent her at atleast a dozen roses to her job. so i figured this was just a ploy to get me to do that again, which I wasnt going to. Sure enough the day after valentines I get a long text from her telling me how we shouldnt be togther even tho we still love each other and our sexual attraction was still there, we just conflict with each other to much. LOL I thought it was funny cause I wasnt asking for us to get back togther. I wasnt asking for anything a matter of fact She was the one who tetxed me asking to eat lunch and started texting me other stuff. But for a minute a very brief minute she almost had me back. If we had made it past valentines I might have been recycled. BUt cause it was valentines My radar was up because she is a user and will use a person for anything she can. So in everyones opinion what happened. Did seeing me and enegaging me trigger her? or did she just not get what she wanted since her goodbye texts came at 0800 the day after valentines prior to that she was just as sweet as honey. But i really was very happy deep down to get that good bye texts cause up that this point I thought i was way passed a recycle but it just showed me that even after 6 months or better I could still fall into it if Im not careful.
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Tausk
Formerly "Schroeder's Piano"
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 843


« Reply #1 on: February 16, 2014, 03:01:53 PM »

Hey Mitch:  I'm sorry for your pain. Are you NC now?  I sorry I don't know your story well, do you have children together?

I didn't find the board until after all my recycles.  I know how confusing and painful and terrifying my feelings were and I was all alone with them.

We're lucky to have community and resources to recover.  Forgive yourself if you can as soon as possible.  Recycling is so common that we have a word for it here.  It's the nature of the interaction and the Disorder.   I know that you know that.  I've come to learn many concepts in the head that had taken longer to adopt in my heart.   It's just important for me to respond in constructive behavior.

My abusive text to her (who was supposed to be blocking me), got me a police complaint.  They wouldn't give her a RO.    But I shouldn't have sent it.  It was therapy for me, but writing a letter and burning it would have been a better choice.

But it kinda provided me closure.  Has your last interaction given you any closure?  Not of course of the meeting of minds, i'm sorry, i'm thankful for what we had, you're a good person type of closure... . but of the this is a Disorder and this is all that I'm going to get, acceptance type of closure?

You're not alone.  Keep posting.  Thanks for sharing.   It helps me to forgive myself and gives me the courage to move on.

T

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mitchell16
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« Reply #2 on: February 17, 2014, 09:33:58 AM »

no, we dont have children together and we have been apart for sometime. Im pretty much over her and have been for awhile. I only had started going lc was because we work together and she appeared to be behaving and maintaing our bounderies to some degree. So every few weeks she would send out a text about nothing really and I would respond with a very boring dry answer. But about 10 days ago she started uping it, more texting that escualted into calling and then her wanting us to eat lunch togther and then her discussing how much attrctuion and love we still had for each other. I sensed her attempting a recycle and I was biting into it somewaht but being very cautious with her. Like i said my instinct was because it was valentines coming up. She loves attention and I used to send her flowers to work for valentines day which she loved. This was the first valentines that we wasnt togther. as valentines day approached I still was mainaining some emotional distance, I wasnt chasing or asking her out or asking her if she wanted us to spend valentines togther. The next day after valentines I get a long text tellling me how we still had some much feelings for each other but we dindt need to be togther. Which I agree, we dont. But what was so funny was I wasnt asking ehr to come back nor was I trying t get her back. I was almost allowing myself to be slowly sucked back in. BUt I was still mainintaining my distance. and I know trying to figure out what makes a BPD tick is almost impossible. I was just wondering since we are a trigger for them, was that what happened. Did that 7 days or so of contact trigger her? or was she just like i suspected fishing for a valentines gift as a form of validation and  attention seeking. Im not really sad, im sad that she ahs to love this way because it dont have to be like that. But as far as being sad over her, ive long got past. BUt what i did learn about myself, that no matter how long we are apart I can still be sucked back into her life. If she had played her cards just a little better and made it past valentines I might could have been pulled back in. which is still scary for me and very hard to undertsand.
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Tausk
Formerly "Schroeder's Piano"
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 843


« Reply #3 on: February 17, 2014, 12:40:44 PM »

Hi Mitch:

It's very painful and confusing.   And yes, it's very sad how our exes love.  It is clear that you care about her a great deal. 

But to disagree with you,  I think that it DOES have to be this way.  It DOES, because they have a Disorder.  There really are no choices or other futures.  And that makes it even sadder.

It's very difficult to say why she choses to do anything.  It could have been VTinesDay, or your texts, or another object of attachement was triggering her, or maybe because the sun rose in the East today.  It's easy to focus on them, but the attention needs to focused at least in part on ourselves.

Question:   Are you ready to stay detached?  Or are you thinking about re-engaging.  Being of half measures is very dangerous.  It's like casually shooting heroin. 

And finally, you say you've been apart for a long-time, but this was the first VTD that were not together.  So from the perspective of most on this board, it really hasn't been that long.  Recovery from trauma bonds take time, and triggers from PTSD fade slowly. 

Be kind to yourself, feel your feelings when able, and forgive yourself.  Keep posting your thoughts.

Thanks for sharing.

T

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mitchell16
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Posts: 829


« Reply #4 on: February 18, 2014, 09:44:41 AM »

thats a good point. I figured that after 6 or 7 months I would be way past this point. I was doing very well and I still am to some degree. It amzes me that as much as I have learned about BPD I still find myself doubting what I know. When i sit and talk to her and look at er she appears completley normal. But it when she shows these behavior I see the BPD showing thru. The I want you back, and then with in days an imgained trangression of some sort. after about a week of her texting, and her telling me how much she misses me, then her quickly telling me how we shouldnt be togther even thoough I never asked her to get back togther. It amazing. Of course Im not as bad as I have been but it did hurt. I still find it hard to not question what her motives are and that where i get stuck alot of times.
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