Hi heartandwhole - great questions. I'll try to answer them as best as I can.
Any places I feel stuck in my healing?
I think I'm over the ex. I'm frustrated with myself at not leaving him, at not seeing the red flags for what they were. I've done some reading of the "lonely child", the codependent child, and yes, I recognize myself there. I am an adult child of an alcoholic and I've been a member of Al-Anon for about 15 years, so I know a lot about boundaries, not accepting unacceptable behavior, emotional maturity or the lack thereof, etc. and yet I fell for someone with BPD. Very frustrating. After the recycle attempt last July/August, I started researching inner child work, starting seeing a T (again), but I could use more input there. I've done a lot of FOO work and I'm in a pretty good place with my family, but clearly I have more work to do.
Are there behaviors I'd like to change about myself?
Yes! I'd like to change my "bully in my head" thinking, that negative programming from childhood, my unrealistic expectations of myself (my version of perfectionism), to learn to really, really accept myself as I am, warts and all. To become the loving parent I never had, to heal myself and become more whole. I've made some progress in all these areas especially over the past year but again, definitely room for improvement there.
Would I like to explore how the pain in my r/s with my partner was related to FOO issues?
Sure, I've been doing that on my own since he left . He was very high functioning, was like a renaissance man, could fix anything, was musical and artistic, technical, cooked, cleaned, did my freakin' laundry for God's sakes, great sense of humor, and was very caring. He came on the scene when I was recovering from an 8 week illness, so I was pretty vulnerable (sound familiar?). He started out as a friend, bringing me dinners, movies, hanging out with me as I slowly recovered, fixing things around my house. He loved me in a way no one else ever had. He actually took care of me. That was a first for me and boy did I fall for it. I've been very independent from a really young age (had to take care of myself 'cause no one else was going to) and it's really hard for me to ask people for help (I learned at a young age that asking for help meant getting kicked). He just did things/fixed things that he saw needed doing; I didn't ask. He opened up whole new worlds to me with his art, music, riding the motorcycle, kayaking, hiking in the woods, all stuff I always wanted to do but never did. I was finally living the kind of life I had always wanted to live. Activity-wise I took on his lifestyle but I guess personality-wise he was mirroring me. Anyway, he left very abruptly (we weren't really having problems at all) and I was shattered. I had never experienced anything like that before and I know it has to do with not getting what I needed as a kid. Even though I have done a ton of FOO work, that little girl inside of me responded so readily to someone showering her with what seemed to be unconditional love. I am working on being the source of that unconditional love to her, and I've made some progress but I have a ways to go.
Almost right after he left I made a list of things I didn't want to lose, and I'm really proud of myself for the things about our lifestyle together that I have kept, like kayaking and hiking, snowshoeing, etc. And you know what? I bought a bike, had some instruction, but pretty much taught myself how to ride motorcycle! Learning how to do that right after he left gave me my life back. I like that I have pluck like that
.
So there's me, in a nutshell. I need to forgive myself, love myself unconditionally and be the parent to myself I needed but didn't have.
A tall order, indeed.
