At a loss...

[CS4Ever]

Its been a while since I've posted but at the end of this week I'm just at a loss. Feeling very sad and hopeless.

Long story short, I caught my UBPD wife calling and texting a guy last June. Things escalated from there with her getting increasingly defensive over next few months whenever I spent time with the kids - she accused me of trying to be super dad to improve my position in a divorce of all things. The whole situation culminated in her asking me to move out when I volunteered for my sons field trip. She insists that she cant trust me, that I can hardly stand her, that I'm unpleasant to be around, that I'm planning on leaving her, etc... . and that its all my fault of course.

Anyway, I moved out in early December. I have a place now, we've got a visitation schedule worked out, and things have been great with the boys. I've really been enjoying my time with them and it seems like I'm so much happier w/o all her craziness.

Meanwhile, we both filed separation papers. But decided to go to counseling in an effort to fix things.

Our second counseling apt was last Tuesday. I'd thought they were going pretty well, but prior to this one my wife got angry at me for starting a school project with one of the boys that she was supposed to do. Turns out she sent a email asking me to leave it to her but she sent it to the wrong email address so i never got it. This resulted in her both crying and raging at me because somehow it's my fault. I told her in no uncertain terms that it was not appropriate for her to blame me, but of course that didn't go over well.

Anyway, during the session that night the counselor asked us what we could go better. I said I didn't know, that it seemed like we'd both tried everything and that nothing was working, not that I was perfect or anything or that it was all her fault, but rather that I just felt hopeless and didn't really know what I needed to do. Not the best answer in the world, but an honest one.

She took this as an effort to blame her for everything, but didn't let on till we were in the car on the way home. I got the silent treatment as I dropped her off at her car and no response when I texted her a few times that night.

I had the kids that night so I decided to drop donuts off for her at her office the next morning after I took them to school. The counselor had suggested I make more efforts, etc... .

So I drive up to drop them off and it turns out her car is right in front of me. It pulls up to the front door, stops and in an almost surreal moment, she gets out of the passenger seat. I get over my shock and follow her car as it pulls next to another in the parking lot, this guy from the summer gets out, and then gets in his car which has obviously been parked there over night.

So the night of our second counseling session, she meets up with this guy afterwards, and he spends the night?

I actually went in and gave her the donuts to let her know I'd seen everything then called her a bit later after I'd calmed down a bit (I was as mad as I've ever been). She proceeded to tell me it was my fault because she was upset at my answer during counseling.

This was a few days ago. She continues to insist that he's just a friend and that it was no different from her calling one of her girlfriends and that nothing happened, he slept on the couch, etc... .

At this point I've told her that if she continues to have any contact with him we're done and that if she refuses to go to the next counseling session we're also done. She accused me of giving her an ultimatum, that I couldn't tell her what to do, etc... .

My response was that I could certainly set limits in terms of how I was going to be treated and whether I would allow someone to treat me poorly. I also told her that I thought that she was misrepresenting what I said in the session to justify her own bad behavior and that if she didn't agree she should go to the next session and we should ask the therapist if he thought I was trying to put the blame on her- I realize I boxed her in with this last statement and that it probably guarantees she wont go, but I didn't really think it through before I said it. 

Anyway, its been a hell of a week. I actually thought there was hope for a while, but now not so much. I expect she's going to not want to go to the next session because she knows having this guy spend the night was grossly inappropriate and that what I said was not nearly as bad as she's making it out to be.

Whole situation is just so frustrating and sad. 

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[CS4Ever]

Its funny. I can read back over this and see all the mistakes I made- didn't validate her feelings on the school project, didn't validate her feelings after the session or otherwise try to engage to help her regulate.

She has since blamed me for her need to be comforted because of the answers I gave in the therapy session and frankly I cant bring myself to validate that either.

But at this point it just doesn't feel like its in me to do all that anymore. It just all seems so pointless. She's never going to get better and I'm never going to get what I need from her.

I had such high hopes for the therapy sessions.

[elemental]

When I don't know what to do, I disengage and take a big step back.

Then I think about things on my own. Maybe she needs some time on her own to think, too, without you to fall back on. Someone else can buy her donuts.