What on earth happened last night?

[zubizou87]

I feel like when things are great they are absolutely great but then one tiny thing just rocks the relationship to the core and it confuses me so much.

Since this has been rolling around in my head all day I need to talk to someone I'll just write what I remember.

So I just got back home after a two week vacation in Europe during this time I was away from my boyfriend, he missed me a lot and told me how much he missed me. He also voiced that he was very irritated that I did not contact him enough during my holiday. We've been talking about me getting a new phone he wants me to get a smart phone so we can contact each other all the time while I'm happy talking to him a few times a day when we are apart or writing him long e-mails... . or just waiting until I get back to tell him all about my trip.

Anyway so I've been back for almost a week and everything has been fantastic, we're so in love, we missed each other, great sex, we've been giving each other so much materially, emotionally, physically. Then last night we spent the weekend relaxing at home, the first we've had in ages because we've been so busy, I was really looking forward to just relaxing with him and spending a few days eating home cooked food, reading and watching movies.

So the weekend was lovely, everything went well and although he does his fair share of the cleaning I decided I'd treat him by making the lunch and then the dinner. The lunch wasn't difficult but the dinner was I was standing for two and a half hours, making homemade bread, stew prepping etc. He sat playing video games and occasionally came in to taste what I was cooking or feel me up.

We ate watched a film and then it was time to do the dishes and he told me he needed to go to the bathroom so I was left washing all the dishes from lunch and dinner. about half way through the load I kind of lost my temper because I just felt a bit resentful that after making EVERYTHING we ate all day FROM  SCRATCH I was now cleaning up too. So I just left him half of the washing up and went on my computer, just then he came out of the bathroom and asked if I had finished washing the dishes. I kind of shot him a look and told him I had left him his half. He asked if I was angry and I just asked him if he could wash the rest of the plates.

While he washed them I calmed down a bit and felt I had over reacted but then he was annoyed and started giving me the silent treatment. So we went to bed and read in silence then we talked about what had happened and he said he had told me not to do the dishes (I didn't hear him say that) and the reason he went to the bathroom was he wasn't feeling well (I think he was trying to hint that the food I made had caused him to be ill.)

So we both made up and started kissing he made it clear he wanted to have sex and I didn't feel like it because I was still a bit emotional from the fight. This seemed to make it a million times worse and he went into icy meltdown brush off mode like he couldn't even stand to touch me. Then he left the room and me alone in bed, when he came back he was in a horrible mood and almost crying he said he hates it when I turn down sex because he feels really rejected and also he feels chemically imbalanced when he doesn't have sex for a long time. So I asked him what I should do when I just want to kiss him but don' want sex, he said he didn't know (I suppose that means I'm just supposed to let him have sex with me whether I want to or not.)

So we're both feeling awful now we've had very little sleep, barely talking to each other. This seems to happen whenever we have a disagreement. I also feel like whenever I'm upset about something he uses it against me and projects my emotions back onto me.

How do I argue with him without it escalating, it seems like he just wants to make me emotionless and compliant because every time I lash out about something we almost break up :/

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[joshbjoshb]

Hi there,

I didn't read your other posts - if you did post here, but it seems to me that you have your fair share of working on yourself.

If you don't want to do dishes, don't do them.

If you decide to do, don't start making a big deal out of it.

Honestly, it seems that me that you have a lot of self esteem issues you have to work with... . don't blame it all on him.

My wife sent me one day an image with some "wise words" of which husbands to look for, it said something to the effect of find someone who will always love you even when you are upset, give you a hand when you yell, whatever.

I told her that to me this is the source of all issues. That you come to a marriage thinking that your husband supposed to do all of the giving, and you are just going to be accepted as you are. Why? Why can't he also want someone that will accept him as he is?

For me a healthy marriage is one in which both give and get, and both sometimes don't get but understand.