He is punishing me...

[Loca]

Hi there!

I am now in transit at my parent's place while moving on to another destination for a week long business trip. Since we had an argument and I left him sulking before I left last night, he has not responded to any of my text messages asking about our 15mth old baby son. I know he is still sulking and punishing me (maybe exacting revenge) when I left home with my son and did not reply his 80+ missed calls a few weeks ago.

I still feel a bit guilty for triggering him (I never learn!) but I also know that we are not responsible for their actions. Honest to God, i have been on the emotional roller coaster so many times this last couple of months and I am really tired of him wearing me thin! I was looking forward to this trip as I can get away from him but now I find myself not being able to be in contact with my son. We normally skype when I'm away. It's tearing me apart as I miss him so much and I know he misses me too. He is very attached to me and H.

Should or could I be happy knowing that I am missing my son? I have been bhiting about uNDPH to mom and sis today, both whom has been really supportive of me. But it's not enough since they can never understand what I am going through. Right now I just miss my son terribly... .

A few short encouraging words from anyone will be a good help! Thanks for reading

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[joshbjoshb]

All I can say that I feel SOO bad for you. Really.

I am dealing with a BPD spouse for couple of years now, and still didn't master at all all skills needed, but one of them is said to be "setting boundaries". I believe this is one you must set - whenever he is at home with the child, you have the right to talk to your child once a day.

How to set it, that's a whole different question... .

Good luck

[Loca]

Thanks joshb2! It helps just to know someone is out there. I called and found out he switched off his phone. But he replied later saying our so is fine (I can sense his resentment) this far away! Son is sleeping now so I'll hope to get on Skype one of these days to see him on real time. Otherwise I just have to be contend with the home videos and the used shirt i brought to smell him

I'm still working on my boundaries... . And this is hard since I'm not present to exert it. SIGH!

[an0ught]

Hearing your son is ok must have been a big relief 

I guess both sides are struggling with abandonment at the moment.

Thanks joshb2! It helps just to know someone is out there. I called and found out he switched off his phone. But he replied later saying our so is fine (I can sense his resentment) this far away! Son is sleeping now so I'll hope to get on Skype one of these days to see him on real time. Otherwise I just have to be contend with the home videos and the used shirt i brought to smell him smiley

Be careful not to project your fears into him. He may just be insecure and as afraid of you since the fight also took a toll on him. You may perceive his behavior as punishment however in general the behavior of pwBPD is mainly about themselves and their dysfunctional coping.

[Loca]

Yes it feels much better to hear from my H even tho I know he's fine. I'm just at a lost on how to approach him. I know what I say will be used against me and I still get hurt at his verbal lashings before, now and in the future. It seems like I can never say the right thing

[an0ught]

Yes it feels much better to hear from my H even tho I know he's fine. I'm just at a lost on how to approach him. I know what I say will be used against me and I still get hurt at his verbal lashings before, now and in the future. It seems like I can never say the right thing

maybe then stop trying?

He is instable. Focusing on him and trying to do the right thing is like focusing on a tumbleweed and trying to walk straight. You'll never hit that moving target.

No matter what you say at some time in the future he will be angry and use whatever he has to make you angry too. Whether he uses words from a year back, words you say next week or words he made up himself and claims you said it - does it matter. He will instinctively choose words that hurt as he is feeling pain for whatever reason. You can only step out then to protect yourself. What you say tomorrow has little bearing on what happens then.

Remember how you were before. You knew what was the right thing to do. You were one with yourself. You said what you thought. Be a little careful not to invalidate, be respectful and be yourself again.