Those who have recycled

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hi,

I am not sure why I am thinking about this today but for those who have recycled was it you that initiated the recycle or the pwBPD? 

Personally we had recycled so many times that I am not sure.  I know the first couple of times I had broken up and I recycled her.  Later recycled are hard to remember but I think she started slowly contacting me which made me miss her more, but again I think I initiated the actual recycle.

Was there a pattern for you guys?

[Tincup]

Hi,

I am not sure why I am thinking about this today but for those who have recycled was it you that initiated the recycle or the pwBPD? 

Personally we had recycled so many times that I am not sure.  I know the first couple of times I had broken up and I recycled her.  Later recycled are hard to remember but I think she started slowly contacting me which made me miss her more, but again I think I initiated the actual recycle.

Was there a pattern for you guys?

[myself]

At first, she would run away and come back. In the middle of our r/s, while she projected all of the blame to me, I would be the person 'winning her back'. When I later held to my boundaries, she would alternate between staying away for longer and shorter amounts of time. At the end, when she left again after promising she wouldn't, I told her I couldn't live like that any more. That she needed to decide if she was going to be here and help the r/s more than harm it, or not. She's been gone ever since. I didn't want to see her go but had to get off of the hamster wheel to nowhere. Recycling days are over.

[Ironmanrises]

My exUBPDgf initiated the recycle. She left me both times, 3 times if you include friendship. A pattern? Yes. Textbook BPD style, in round 2, I saw the whole thing start and finish in the horrifyingly BPD chaotic cycle. And I predicted each step before it happened.

[Madison66]

In the 3+ years of my r/s with uBPD/NPD ex gf, we recycled three times.  The first two times, I left because of the disrespect, lack of empathy and continual emotional abuse (I didn't understand the severity of it - it just felt really bad).  She pursued me back and even charmed me with her young kids.  The last recycle happened in October when I really was unhappy with the emotional abuse and projecting during our final attempt at T.  I came back to the r/s at that point, but I clearly see now that I was letting the "dream" die by that point.  She tried to recycle when I finally cut the cord in December.  Like many of the situations I have read about here, she quickly moved onto another dude within two weeks and is now on #2.  I see now that I was actually a replacement for her ex H, who left her for another woman and was always called a "horrible guy". 

[Popcorn71]

I was recycled approximately 10 times in 9 years.  Every time my exBPDh was the one who left and wanted to come back.  The last time was different because he had a replacement.  He didn't want to come back but didn't want me to divorce him either.  I think he thought that because I didn't know about the replacement that he could give her a go and make his mind up who he wanted and that I would take him back like every other time.  But this time, I went ahead with the divorce extremely quickly.


Since then he has progressed in a 'relationship' with the replacement at the speed of light!  I think a lot of this may be to prove that he can do so well without me.

I can see now that this is what he did with me.  His ex wife left him for another man and we met soon after.  I don't think he really ever wanted me or loved me.  He just wanted to show his ex wife that he could get a much younger wife and have a better life than her!

[Tincup]

thanks everyone.  Each time we broke up (regardless of me leaving her or her leaving me) she would eventually text me or email me.  It would start out innocent like wanting to return something to me, or some other lame excuse.  Than we would start communicating more frequently... . meet for coffee... . end up in bed.

Each time I would see the pattern, and knew what would happen at each step.  I remember saying to myself each time we got back together if I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING STUPID WE CAN HAVE 6 to 9 MONTHS TOGETHER... . God I can see now how sick my thinking was.  Ok 4+ months out from the last break up and I have 5 out of 7 good days now.  My bad days are not nearly as bad as they were in the start of this.  I am almost done processing this mess.  I can't believe how sick my thinking had become.

[Madison66]

Tincup,

I'm going on three months out of the r/s.  I totally relate with your comment about "how sick your thinking had become".  When I would tell friends and family members what I was putting up with, they would always ask "why are you still in this r/s?"  Like you, I felt I needed to stay cool and create no waves to avoid the drama.  The problem was the emotional abuse was do thick and I could only take it for periods of time without getting angry and frustrated.  The r/s was in direct conflict with my values, but I still found ways to rationalize the madness.  I thank god I found the strength to finally get out and I still struggle with the loss of the r/s.  Like you said, the bad days are starting to get better... .

[Johnny Alias]

thanks everyone.  Each time we broke up (regardless of me leaving her or her leaving me) she would eventually text me or email me.  It would start out innocent like wanting to return something to me, or some other lame excuse.  Than we would start communicating more frequently... . meet for coffee... . end up in bed.

Each time I would see the pattern, and knew what would happen at each step.  I remember saying to myself each time we got back together if I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING STUPID WE CAN HAVE 6 to 9 MONTHS TOGETHER... . God I can see now how sick my thinking was.  Ok 4+ months out from the last break up and I have 5 out of 7 good days now.  My bad days are not nearly as bad as they were in the start of this.  I am almost done processing this mess.  I can't believe how sick my thinking had become.

Yeah... . I had written a letter to myself warnings not to take her back and that it would ALL happen again. All the abuse all the hell all the drama... . And it did. Worse even.

Keep processing. It's natural. Trying to force it out isn't.

I was the same way... . Every two weeks I'd get obliterated with rage. I also had alerts pop up for her pms. I counted drinks readying myself for the barrage.

It is no way to live. Hard as things are now you knew it would end just like I did. Almost from the start. Broken inside.  Completely. Course I am too... . Caught myself trying to figure out why she's been hospitalized three times in a year and pukes for days due to her drinking. Why should I care?  She doesn't care about me.

Hard to let that go but it will happen.