got a text today

[Allmessedup]

so we have been broken up 5 weeks now.  nc except one day where i simply said i was there for her if she needed a friend... . i posted about that last week. it was a 3.5 year relationship with lots of recycles. 

today i got an out of the blue text from her.

"I am finding your sudden friendship on fb with everyone you never liked before to be rather a passive aggressive act. It is working though. I see that staying here is not an option for me. Therefore, I am wondering if there is anything you desire out if this house."

now we are not friends on fb but i dont have her blocked either.  honestly it was not a problem so i didnt bother.   The posts she is referring to are to mutual friends that honestly i have just aquired.  A mutual friend has been dragging me out of the house because she knows what has gone on and introduced me to her friends... . which is all fine except they are also the BPDgf friends but only on fb.

anyway, my posts were totally innocent... . having nothing to do with her whatsoever. however obviously she took offense.  Now to be completely honest i doubt she knows i went out with these friends in person... . but whatever.

the only way she could have seen these posts is if she were looking for them.  i dont go to her wall.  I dont look for her on fb to reply to posts so she will be bothered by me.

now so far i have ignored the text.  There is still a lot of my stuff at her house, but nothing that isnt replacable.  she taught me long ago not to leave anything that mattered there as she tends to toss my stuff and especially stuff that was meaningful to "us" when she got mad.

last summer before yet another recycle she said she was going to move to the other side of the country... . to some small one horse town to "live off the land".  i of course stupidly begged her to stay and she did but not before i had to actively take a gun from her that she had bought for a suicide plan.

she is 50 now.  was diagnosed at 18 with BPD.  said she had recovered and she was high functioning so i didnt question it.  thru the last 3.5 years she has displayed almost all of the traits with numerous suicide threats.

she is ill now with a undiagnosed disorder that has her on benefits.  likely she is a bit angry as i have stopped paying for her meds  and am not going to change that.

i didnt mean to be so long winded but i just wanted to get some other takes on that text.  it seems to me that she is trying really hard to manipulate my feelings by mentioning her moving.

it was a big deal last year when she threatened it so i assume she is trying to bait me... . but who knows... .

i am doing so much better... . i am starting to live my  life again.  I am making new friends and reconnecting with old ones.  i am not all stressed and worried all the time.  but things like this come up and I am just not so sure anymore. 

It just seems so ridiculous.  she has blocked me in the past on fb.  if she is annoyed with what I am saying then simply block me again or dont look.  there is no  need to move across the country over it!

geez!

[cosmonaut]

She's clearly being irrational.  You two are broken up and she has no right to have any say in who you associate with now.  She still wants to have control over you, regardless.  No doubt this is due to her fears of you abandoning her for someone else, despite her having left you.  It's a sad situation.  BPD is such a terrible, miserable disease.

What do you think you should do?

[Allmessedup]

thanks cosmonaut... .   i agree... . she isnt being rational... . and i suspect she would prefer it if i was miserable which may be why she sent that text... . trying to up the ante to get the desired response.

she isolates the hell outta herself.  she has no real social life.  just her and her dog.  she is active sometimes on fb... . or she used to be.  but that is her only real outlet. 

i suspect the best thing for me to do is to continue nc.  to not rise to the bait. a huge part of me wants to defend myself, but that is exactly what she wants.  aand expects.

i cant say i am not concerned she will continue with all this.  i half expect to find my crap piled in my car one day soon. 

but for now i think my best defense is to simply say nothing at all and continue to move on.  how she feels is her choice and how i react to it is only mine

[Turkish]

thanks cosmonaut... .   i agree... . she isnt being rational... . and i suspect she would prefer it if i was miserable which may be why she sent that text... . trying to up the ante to get the desired response.

she isolates the hell outta herself.  she has no real social life.  just her and her dog.  she is active sometimes on fb... . or she used to be.  but that is her only real outlet. 

i suspect the best thing for me to do is to continue nc.  to not rise to the bait. a huge part of me wants to defend myself, but that is exactly what she wants.  aand expects.

i cant say i am not concerned she will continue with all this.  i half expect to find my crap piled in my car one day soon. 

but for now i think my best defense is to simply say nothing at all and continue to move on.  how she feels is her choice and how i react to it is only mine

Hi Allmessedup. Do you get something out of not blocking her on FB?

[winston72]

Hey AllMessedUp... . so sorry about the pain and disruption from this relationship.  It sounds like you have made the right choice to move on.

I don't think you need to take responsibility for her reaction to your Facebook page.  There is nothing to defend or explain in this regard.

You do not need to respond to the emotional aspects of her text.  I wonder if it would be appropriate to respond to her question about anything you might want from the house?  If so, a polite and brief respond might be in order.  The goal of NC is to provide an environment for you to heal and move forward.  Sometimes leaving open questions or unresolved matters such as any of your possessions at her residence prevent the detachment that you seek.  

Just a quick thought!

[Tausk]

AMU:  Sorry about the confusion.  It's painful enough to try and cope. Having irrational behavior from the ex doesn't help.  I tried to remember... .   It's a Disorder.

I'm glad you're clearing the FOG.  That's a very good thing.  Please be careful.  It's very easy to be drawn back into the Disorder.  We have responsibility to ourselves to take care of ourselves.

Can you decide what that is for you. As Winston said, you having your stuff at her place, keeps a connection.  Are you wanting that connection?

If not, determine what you need to do to end it with the least amount of drama.  Depersonalize the situation and move forward.  Maybe have some friends get your stuff. Do not go there alone.  Do not go there if her new boyfriend is there.  Nothing good will come of it. 

Can you elaborate a bit more on what you are thinking about doing?

Keep posting,

T

[Allmessedup]

thanks everyone for  your responses. 

I suppose my thought is that anything that is at her house i can replace.  I do not need anything else from her and honestly it would be hugely painful to go and retrieve it.  I can live quite simply without it.

as far as not blocking her on fb.  I am considering doing that.  I suppose i never really felt the need to do so.  we are adults, i dont bother her and she doesnt bother me... . but then again i am not dealing with a rational adult here either. 

I think that ultimately my goal is to detach from her and simply be done.  I care very little about things and in all honestly would be hugely surprised if there was anything left of mine to retrieve anyway based on past experience.  My guess is that it is all gone already and she would delight in telling me so as she has in the past.

I am working on my own codependency issues but I am also a pretty nice person. I do not do mean things that are "mean" and I suppose i feel like blocking on fb is mean.  But perhaps not?

I just want to focus on myself and leave all of this mess with her in the past where it belongs.  I survived... . barely and I suppose I worry that further contact would draw me back in.

does that make any sense?

[Tausk]

thanks everyone for  your responses.  

I suppose my thought is that anything that is at her house i can replace.  I do not need anything else from her and honestly it would be hugely painful to go and retrieve it.  I can live quite simply without it.

as far as not blocking her on fb.  I am considering doing that.  I suppose i never really felt the need to do so.  we are adults, i dont bother her and she doesnt bother me... . but then again i am not dealing with a rational adult here either.  

I think that ultimately my goal is to detach from her and simply be done.  I care very little about things and in all honestly would be hugely surprised if there was anything left of mine to retrieve anyway based on past experience.  My guess is that it is all gone already and she would delight in telling me so as she has in the past.

I am working on my own codependency issues but I am also a pretty nice person. I do not do mean things that are "mean" and I suppose i feel like blocking on fb is mean.  But perhaps not?

I just want to focus on myself and leave all of this mess with her in the past where it belongs.  I survived... . barely and I suppose I worry that further contact would draw me back in.

does that make any sense?

If you're ok with her checking your FB page, no blocking her may definitely cause less drama.  Blocking her, will trigger a big abandonment reaction.  But only allow contact as long as you feel that you can respond to her inquiries in a detached manner.  

Again, it's about how to move on with as little drama as possible.  Maybe let her know that she can keep the stuff or give it to charity and be done with it.  If she insists that you remove it, have some friends go and get the stuff.  Again, don't go alone and don't go if your replacement is there.  

It's hard.  You'll want to rescue and support. You'll be confused by the mixed signals.  If you can't take the confusion, then you may need to go No Contact.  Stay on the board and keep us updated.  Your sharing helps us to detach and will also provide you the input from many people who have gone through what your are dealing with today.

Be well,  Take care of yourself.  

T

[Allmessedup]

Thanks... . My page is set so no one can see anything unless they are friends with me besides my profile pic so really I don't care if she snoops there or not.  I appreciate what you said too about my things.  I suppose I could send a text saying that.  I think in all honesty I am just scared .  I am better but vulnerable as hell.  I don't wanna get sucked in again, and I don't trust myself all that much yet either.

I will keep posting... . and reading.  There are good days and bad ones.  Many days I am confident in my resolve... . And then there are days where my mind try's to tell me it's all a big mistake.

All I know is that I never want to feel the way that I did for the last month or so again... . and I know that if we recycle I will.

Thanks for listening!

[Allmessedup]

She evidently did not appreciate her text being ignored.  She sent an additional text... . very cold.  Asking for certain things back that I still have including photos of her and the her kids that were taken days before the break up. (I am a photographer in my spare time). 

To this I did respond as I have no intention of withholding her stuff.  I replied that I would drop most of it off in the next day or two and leave it outside.  A couple of things will take a bit longer as I am working crazy hours and they are buried in the attic. As well as the pictures are completely unedited and the white balance is way off and needs corrected. 

She immediately replied that she didn't need the stuff for several months because she was selling everything to move across the country.  That of course was intentionally mentioned as it was a big way she recycled me last summer by threatening to move away.  She was also much more pleasant in the follow up text.

I did not respond to any of that as I saw nothing beneficial from it. 

I suppose she was pleased to get me to respond but why the need to twist the knife... .

I so hate this!

I also know that we both remember that shortly after her planning to move last summer was when I ended up pulling the gun from her hand. 

I am having such a hard time rationalizing out what my brain knows vs what my heart feels!