BPD abandonment what does the first three years look like?

[Depression = 72% of members]

I have been reading on this site that most BPD's have been abandoned by their primary caregiver within the first three years of life.  Which is the primary cause of their major attachment issues / BPD.

My question is what did the mother or father do or not do for them in the first three years of their life, to warrant such a life altering response from the BPD that is so destructive for them for the majority of their lives?

Is this a proven theory? How can anyone know what a three year old child is thinking? It's something that I have been trying to understand and wrap my head around?

[node4]

I have been reading on this site that most BPD's have been abandoned by their primary caregiver within the first three years of life.  Which is the primary cause of their major attachment issues / BPD.

My question is what did the mother or father do or not do for them in the first three years of their life, to warrant such a life altering response from the BPD that is so destructive for them for the majority of their lives?

Is this a proven theory? How can anyone know what a three year old child is thinking? It's something that I have been trying to understand and wrap my head around?

[irishmarmot]

I have read that BPD is genetic

[Free2Bee]

My understanding is that there's a genetic predisposition (sensitive temperament) that is aggravated by circumstances in the first 5 years of life (perceived or actual abandonment/ abuse)

[winston72]

Hey Node... . I have copied a couple of links to some resources on this site. 

Borderline Personality Disorder

What is the cause of Borderline Personality Disorder?

[winston72]

Node... . I have been reading "The White Knight Syndrome: Rescuing Yourself from Your Need to Rescue Others".  It has a lot of insight into my rescuing behaviors, but it also sheds light on the personality development of those who seek to be "rescued."  It has been helpful to me both to understand myself and to see my selection of partners more clearly... . and what was driving some of them.

[seeking balance]

I have been reading on this site that most BPD's have been abandoned by their primary caregiver within the first three years of life.  Which is the primary cause of their major attachment issues / BPD.

My question is what did the mother or father do or not do for them in the first three years of their life, to warrant such a life altering response from the BPD that is so destructive for them for the majority of their lives?

Is this a proven theory? How can anyone know what a three year old child is thinking? It's something that I have been trying to understand and wrap my head around?

Winston gave you good links to get started with. Be mindful when doing research to go to credible sources.

Abandonment or an invalidating environment may look very different to a pwBPD than what you will see.  Trying to wrap your head around this without digging into the facts of the disorder will prove to be quite challenging.  The research is showing a combination nature/nurture.

Keep in mind many, many people have traits without being diagnosed "full-blown" BPD.

Marsha Linehan is the pioneer in this research and worth reading her work if you are trying to get factual data.

[node4]

winston72

What edition are you reading?

[winston72]

The White Knight Syndrome: Rescuing Yourself from Your Need to Rescue Others by Krieger, Marilyn and Lamia, Mary (Jun 1, 2009)

[Turkish]

I started reading Becoming Attached And found it fascinating. I saw my uBPDx all over the place. It made so much sense due to what she shared with me about her childhood, and also I think what was a case of emotional/covert incest from her mother... . her "lost childhood" as she termed it.

And like other said, there may also be a genetic component. I'm pretty sure mine's older bro has it, and probably her dad too. Younger sis displays some traits. The kids younger than that seem ok. The three older ones witnessed the most childhood trauma, and were indeed abandoned by their dad for many years who emigrated to the US to find work. They also witnessed the DV meted out by their dad upon their mom. Even when there, though seemingly a nice guy (he always is to me), he is emotionally distant. And to this day, still having affairs, a painful fact everyone in the family is aware of, but no one really talks about until he inevitably gets caught every few years.

[Pearl55]

Node4

Intelligence is NOT affected by the disorder, they are EMOTIONALLY 3 year old. Genetic may contribute for developing the disorder but the main reason is LACK of symbiotic bond with their biological mums and their environments later on. A 3 year old view his/her partner as an OBJECT and their OPPONENTS to compete with and win over but expect their partners to be their MUMS and love them and care for them. This is very confusing disorder to make sense but when you learn it you will be very sad.

[node4]

Mine has been diagnosed, it was a pesky little detail that she did not share with me until recycle attempt number 3 or 4, not sure which one.

Pearl 55,

I have experienced the following,

"A 3 year old view his/her partner as an OBJECT and their OPPONENTS to compete with and win over but expect their partners to be their MUMS and love them and care for them. This is very confusing disorder to make sense but when you learn it you will be very sad."

I was not sure what was going on. Like we were competing. I also felt like I was the parent this last run. I have a 17 year old daughter, and I started thinking of her as my out of control daughter. My actual daughter is amazing and not out of control, but my BPD started feeling like a the jacked up daughter I never had. It was really surreal to me. Can you share more on this subject?

[Turkish]

Mine has been diagnosed, it was a pesky little detail that she did not share with me until recycle attempt number 3 or 4, not sure which one.

Pearl 55,

I have experienced the following,

"A 3 year old view his/her partner as an OBJECT and their OPPONENTS to compete with and win over but expect their partners to be their MUMS and love them and care for them. This is very confusing disorder to make sense but when you learn it you will be very sad."

I was not sure what was going on. Like we were competing. I also felt like I was the parent this last run. I have a 17 year old daughter, and I started thinking of her as my out of control daughter. My actual daughter is amazing and not out of control, but my BPD started feeling like a the jacked up daughter I never had. It was really surreal to me. Can you share more on this subject?

My family is D1,S4, and D32. Sometimes during arguments I would thow out, "I'm not your father!" To which she replied, "I know!" A friend of mine observed this dynamic, and in the end, to justify her affair, she said, "you abandoned me, it felt just like my father!" Insert several swear words here that went through my head at this point.

We are the replacements for their attachments which went wrong in their childhoods. The Catetakers are indeed that: replacements parents. The key to ourselves is trying to understand why those of us in LTRs chose that role.

[FogLight]

I don't know what took place in the first 3 years of my BPDexgf's life, but her parents both independently mentioned one thing about her from when she was that age.

Her parents were already divorced and separated by the time we were together, but both of them made it a point to tell me that when my ex was about 2-3, she could not be left alone for second.  If the parents left her sight for even a second, she would panic and scream a lot more than your average child that age.  The way they described it sounded so extreme, and the mere fact that both of them found it significant enough to mention decades later makes me think her abandonment sensitivity must have been pretty damn bad ever since birth.  It leads me to believe there is a big genetic component in the disorder.