at last it seems to be quiet... will this be the end?

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Hello everyone. Just an update. Last txt I received from my h was xmas eve wishing me a good new year and asking how I am... . I didnt reply.and havnt replied since last october... . then early jan I recieved 10 witheld numbers on home phone... . now its all gone very quiet... . do u think this is the end? Its nearly been a year seperation (nxt month)... . so any advice would be helpful in what to expect nxt etc...


many thanks

stronger

[stronger123]

Hello everyone. Just an update. Last txt I received from my h was xmas eve wishing me a good new year and asking how I am... . I didnt reply.and havnt replied since last october... . then early jan I recieved 10 witheld numbers on home phone... . now its all gone very quiet... . do u think this is the end? Its nearly been a year seperation (nxt month)... . so any advice would be helpful in what to expect nxt etc...


many thanks

stronger

[Free2Bee]

It will truly be the end when you really and truly don't care if he contacts you and his attempts are no more traumatic than a wrong number or telemarketer.  You'll get there - you're well on your way! 

[bpdspell]

Stronger,

It's good that you're in a new relationship but I think a better question to ask yourself is why do you care about your ex's behavior when you aren't together? Do you want him back?

No one on here can predict what your ex's next move will be or interpret his silence. He may very well be with new supply or with blocked calls could possibly want a recycle but with them you will never be able to quite pinpoint their motivations. All you can do is accept that were involved with someone who has a severe mental illness.

You have more power in your offense than worrying about what your ex's next move will be. It took me more than a good while to detach and disengage from my ex so I understand if you are feeling triggered today or overall perhaps missing him a bit... . is that the case?


Spell

[stronger123]

Hello spell and thank you for yr response, in answer to yr question s,  no I dont want him bk... . he begged me bk last july but I told him he needs to face me... . speak to me face to face and stop running! He had a choice and he chose to run further afield, 100 miles away from where I live and he changed his job to so very quickly. He told me he loves me im his best friend etc... . he sounded so ... . disorientated,  just like a lost little boy!. I was very firm with him and tokd him he needs to face me.

Im still yet to see this happen.

im in a new relationship now and very happy, but therea times when I think about him, how badly he treated me, abandoned me etc... . still hurts simetimes.

ive already had therapy which really helped.

I guess im looking for closure... . but I probably wont ever get that huh? I guess im curious to see him? But Ihave moved on now which im thank ful for.

[growing_wings]

I guess im looking for closure... . but I probably wont ever get that huh? I guess im curious to see him? But Ihave moved on now which im thank ful for.

Hi stronger! great to read you are happy and with a new r/s. Dont risk this by wanting to get closure.

We all want closure from our r/s with a pwBPD... . I know i do... . but, if you have moved on, keep moving on... keep walking away (I know is easier said that done, my time of test will come for me)... .

stay happy and stay well. 

[bpdspell]

Hello spell and thank you for yr response, in answer to yr question s,  no I dont want him bk... . he begged me bk last july but I told him he needs to face me... . speak to me face to face and stop running! He had a choice and he chose to run further afield, 100 miles away from where I live and he changed his job to so very quickly. He told me he loves me im his best friend etc... . he sounded so ... . disorientated,  just like a lost little boy!. I was very firm with him and tokd him he needs to face me.

Im still yet to see this happen.

im in a new relationship now and very happy, but therea times when I think about him, how badly he treated me, abandoned me etc... . still hurts simetimes.

ive already had therapy which really helped.

I guess im looking for closure... . but I probably wont ever get that huh? I guess im curious to see him? But Ihave moved on now which im thank ful for.

Stronger,

You've moved on and are in a new relationship but it's obvious that you are still very much attached to your ex. This simply means that you need to give yourself more time to unhinge from desiring an apology from a person who himself doesn't understand why he behaves the way he does.

Desiring an apology means that in some ways you're still hopeful that your ex will somehow get it together to validate you. You want to know that you were important to him; that you meant something to his heart... . but a mentally ill person cannot give you closure. That is a myth. What we really want is for our ex's to make an amends. We want them to fix their wrongs and the damage they caused and in this regard this is where fully understanding BPD is impertinent.  

You want your ex to come to you face to face and own his wrongdoing but I'm sorry his BPD has damaged his capacity to fix wrongs. If our ex's could fix wrongs they'd fix themselves.

Like growing wings said we all want that acknowledgement that we mattered to them but what helped me is understanding that a Borderline is a mentally and emotionally stunted and damaged kid trapped in an adults body. It's not malarkey but real facts. So my question to you is why do you desire an apology from a child and why would that make you feel better in terms of closure?

Spell

[drxap]

I still find myself hoping that my exBPDgf will just admit to her wrongdoings. A pwBPD can't feel guilt though.

[stronger123]

Hey spell. Thanks again everyone for yr responses.

in answer to yr question spell, we was together for 12 years 10 yeasr married. He worshipped the ground I walked on... . to then totally the opposite abandoning.me. I guess it hurts me to think he is very unwell. And I wish he would help himself. If hes moved on why the phone calls why the txt msgs these are all random... . I dont get it?

[Waifed]

Hey spell. Thanks again everyone for yr responses.

in answer to yr question spell, we was together for 12 years 10 yeasr married. He worshipped the ground I walked on... . to then totally the opposite abandoning.me. I guess it hurts me to think he is very unwell. And I wish he would help himself. If hes moved on why the phone calls why the txt msgs these are all random... . I dont get it?

I was married to my ex wife (not BPD) for 14 years.  We have been divorced for almost 4 years and I still get texts, emails, phone calls from her.  The conversations are very BPD like.  Again she is not BPD, but carries some BPD traits like many people do.  I think there is something that is soothing when you connect with someone that you have spent so many years with.  You know each others strengths and weakness, good and bad qualities, etc.  It is almost like you want the other persons approval for things in your life after them.  It is hard to break that connection.  I think it may be especially hard for some people who carry BPD traits.

[bpdspell]

If hes moved on why the phone calls why the txt msgs these are all random... . I dont get it?

BPD's rarely "move on" in a traditional sense of closure or making peace with what is because their emotionally immature minds lack the capacity to "own" their side of the street. They lack insight and because BPD is a shame based disorder they'll never have the capacity to look within and "own" the inner ugly that is a part of their character. In their minds they are forever the victim.

Twelves years together is no small chunk of life to spend with someone so of course you will be on each other's minds. What's important is that you don't take contact to mean that he's a changed man or that he's attempting to fix his wrongs in an indirect way. He isn't. BPD's distract themselves with new supply, attention, and objects but that is far cry from the true healing work that's required to truly move on from an experience that was chuck full of life lessons. i.e a long-term relationship.

Our ex's miss us and what we did for them all the time (They are human too) but it doesn't change the fact that they're really sick and quite disconnected from reality.  They may call us when they're lonely or when they have no one to distract themselves with or really get freaking sad about how miserable it is to be them and try to reach out but it's not your job to figure out his motivations. Worry about you and your healing journey.

Spell

[stronger123]

Hey spell, thank you once again for your advice, it has teally helped me.

I cant say I miss him as I dont, I dont miss how badly he treated me and how such horrible words came out of his mouth towards me alot of the time like," your worthless your usueless, no good for nothing, I hate u, its all yr fault etc... . " I really dont miss that at all.

ive found since ive not responded to his witheld phone calls and txt msgs, I feel more free muchbetter to move on with my life, but sometimes not all the time I get down like yesterday and day before, as I never did anything to him but love and care for him and he treats me like this! Its an awful situation, but im coming out of it much stronger which makes me happy as I know there is hope for me yet.

Do u think ive done the right thing by not reply to his txt and phine calld? Will that hurt him.more? I hope it does.

[stronger123]

Oh one me question? Havnt seen him since the split up, year nxt month , and I hear hes moved away 100 miles with job etc.

Do u think he will return when his new relationship fails as he has no family here, no one to crawl bk to? Whats yr advice if so? This does worry me some times as he knows where I live and work.

[drxap]

I wouldn't really trust anything he says. I've heard many stories of exBPDso's saying they are moving far away. This is just a ploy to get you to beg them to stay.

Best defense is indifference. Never engage on a personal level.

[hlespier]

I am very new into this. However, the argument of "I'm leaving this house, I hate it", is soo familiar!

At first, I cried my eyes out, for I took everything my 20 daughter as the ultimate truth. She has always been a trustworthy young lady, and when BPD hit, about 3 months ago, I had to work very hard with my heart and mind to understand that was then, this is now.

She told me once she wanted to live her lifestyle and being left alone.  One cousin of mine who ptsd replied: "what lifestyle? The only lifestyle you have ever had are the ones your parents had worked so hard to enjoy life as you do". She became white as a ghost, turned around and went to her room. It wouldn't ever ocurred to me to give such a response. I guess that it had the effect it had because someone else said it, I really do.

I know how hard it feels at first, but you will get used to it. I have even shown her the door, while reading a book, tired of the same threat. By nature, I'm a softie,  but somewhere, somehow I had found a strength I wasn't aware I had. Besides, I am a Christian, and Bible Student, so I'm confident, God is holding my right hand.

[bpdspell]

Do u think he will return when his new relationship fails as he has no family here, no one to crawl bk to? Whats yr advice if so? This does worry me some times as he knows where I live and work.

Stronger,

I think it's important that you recalibrate and be honest with yourself. If your thoughts are pre-occupied with anticipating your ex's possible next moves or motives then you've got some detaching work to do for yourself. If ignoring his texts and his calls are about wanting to hurt him then you are still attached.

Obsessing over "what if's" and trying to predict or nail down what your ex will do next is kind of pointless. And personally I don't think it's healthy in the least bit. If it's been almost a year lets just say that it's really none of your concern what your ex does with his life. You may not want him back but clearly you still have strong feelings and I suggest you focus on the "whys" of that.

If your worried about your safety or your ex showing up on your job then there's always a restraining order as an option. But again, this is a bridge you'll have to cross if it ever shows up. I think it would be healthy to work on your own form of closure instead of trying to figure out the motivations of a mentally ill person.

It's ok to love someone who wasn't kind to us or mistreated us. It's pretending that we don't love or miss a person that stalls our healing. My ex was physically abusive, mistreated me with lies and quite psychotic but the love is still there and I've made peace with it. You can love someone and not have them in your life. My ex lacks the capacity to fix the hurt he causes and I've accepted this fully by protecting myself with boundaries. So my question to you is this: do you want to punish your ex with silence ( by keeping the relationship alive in your head) or do you want to heal?

Spell

[love4meNOTu]

Yes, I think that's the key.

You can love someone, and know that you were not meant to be together at this time. It's acceptance of things that you cannot change.

I cannot change the fact that my ex husband is mentally ill. I thought I could help him, didn't realize the extent of the disorder and I gave it my best.

In the end, I had to walk away. For myself and for my children.

This has really helped me today, thanks.


L