He can't stand to be around my family

[Cloudy Days]

My husband for the most part used to sort of like my family when I first met him and even years later. About 2 years ago my husband stopped drinking (Woo Hoo!). That is something I am very proud of him for, he messed up pretty badly and it was because he was drunk that he went so far. So he smartened up and stopped drinking. Now he hates alcohol and doesn't  want to be around anyone that drinks. Sounds simple enough except for the fact that my father and my uncle are both alcoholics and my mom drinks too just not as much. I really cannot stand my uncle, he is the most annoying alcoholic you could ever meet. My grandmother just died and my Uncle lived with her, my parents are now going to move into her house, that means they take care of my alcoholic uncle too. Which means whenever we go see my parents we will have to be around at least one drunk at all times because it's seriously rare that you find my uncle sober. My dad isn't getting better either, he seems to be getting worse as he ages.

I try to go out there earlier in the day so we can catch them at least a little bit sober, but at 12:00 they had both already started drinking. For the most part we end up staying for 2 hours at the most.  My husband won't let me go there by myself because he really has shown that he wants nothing to do with my family now, and he doesn't trust drunks so he doesn't want me there by myself if there are drunks around. This just really sucks that my husband now hates my family. I would have never married him if he hated my family and didn't want me to be around them. He is now wanting to move to a completely different state. My fear is that we will never visit again because he doesn't want to be around them. I actually see my mother every day, she is my only friend, I work with her. I just don't know what I should do. I don't want to see my family only once or twice a year but that seems to be my husbands plan. It just so emotional every time we go see them, because then I have to hear about how much he hated being there and how much scum he thinks my family is. I know he has a point, they are drunks, I grew up with it, I was damaged by it, it's probably why I'm with him in the first place. But you know, I always knew where I stood with my parents. I knew they loved me no matter what, they have always been supportive just a little dysfunctional. And my husband is not supportive at all and I never know where I stand with him. He feels that I am choosing my parents over him. I feel like he is trying to make me choose between them which is unfair.

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[guitarguy09]

Oh my goodness, couldn't have much closer of a situation to me if you tried. The only difference between our situations is that your family has some drinking issues. Mine has their flaws as well, only theirs are that they barely ever admit to doing anything wrong, and danged if you are going to get an apology out of them. They feel they are in the right all the time, and are not willing to make even small concessions to get along with my wife better. Now, they are not bad people and most of the time are fine, but I get so frustrated at their lack of empathy for me and for her.

I'm really sorry to hear you are going through the same thing. It is NOT fair to make you choose between your spouse and your family, even if your spouse thinks it is. I am trying my best to cope currently and trying to figure out an action plan if she keeps up not wanting anything to do with them. And worst of all, I get pressured from both sides. I get my parents calling, telling me they want me and my almost 2yoS to come over and see them. At the same time, any time I bring up anything like that to my uBPDw, she flips out. It's a lose lose situation right now.

[Cloudy Days]

Yes, it has definitely gotten to the point where I don't see them very much and it's directly because of him. Because he doesn't like going out there and I just don't want drama. So if we don't see them then I don't have to worry about him finding another flaw in them and I don't have to worry about them getting upset because of something he has done.

He did ruin our Thanksgiving last year, the one that my parents put together for my dying grandmother. He verbally attacked my brother and just left a bad taste in everyone's mouth. We were all so emotional already I just needed him to be there and keep his mouth shut.  I cried when my dad said grace and my husband stayed downstairs and didn't even eat with us. I think that is why I have such a hard time with this. Like I said, my parents have always been completely supportive of me. My husband has not been supportive at all.

[guitarguy09]

Sorry to hear about that. It must have been very rough that Thanksgiving. And you know how different things would be if your husband didn't have such issues getting along with people. It really tends to bring a profound sadness.

I have sort of a different situation. Last summer we had so many issues with my wife and my sisters not getting  along that my parents told us to just visit them separately. So what does my wife do? She tells my parents off in an email. Fast forward to October. After several conversations with my parents about why they should try and have us over again (they had tried to tell me I should get divorced), they finally agree to get together. We have a relatively good time getting together and going out to eat. That Thanksgiving, my dad hardly paid attention to my wife or even talked to her when we ate. We came the day after Thanksgiving so as to avoid the rest of the family obviously. So my wife writes them another angry email about how if my dad's not going to treat her like she wants her there then we're not going to come at all. Actually she sent that to my sisters (triangulation). So they get po'ed and tell me all about it (think like I'm in a vice). They then forwarded my wife's email to my parents. I had asked that they delete it, but they always forward everything around (not like it's helpful). This has been the typical behavior on both sides. It's like they want me to control my wife rather than trying to accept her and get along for the sake of my family and to not see her bad reactions. But every time she reacts poorly, she pushes them further and further away from wanting to do that. What a vicious cycle.

[Cloudy Days]

Oh Yikes. I can't imagine having both of them bickering back and forth. Both of them hating each other. My parents for the most part try to keep the peace and just love me so I guess I have something to be thankful for. They are very hippy like, grew up in the 70's.  My husband also tries to get along with my family. I am surprised he's kept it together as good as he has, my uncle is hard to tolerate for even the most patient of people. He just hates them so much we when leave that it really tests our relationship. I don't allow my parents to speak badly about him then why should I allow him to speak badly about my parents? He thinks they are such scum, I have to remind him that those people he calls scum raised me to be someone he loves so they can't be that bad.

I gotta say I feel for you. Your situation seems more stressful than mine! At least mine don't fight with each other. They keep it to themselves. Although there have been moments, very scary moments and that was when my husband drank. I really don't have a problem with not being around them while they are drunk. Just wish they would leave the bottle alone for one day so I could see them for a longer period of time. 

[guitarguy09]

The bickering back and forth is just the worst. It's like, I know what my wife says and I know things she does are inappropriate. Now why do I have to get the third degree too? They would also forward emails to me, sometimes a long with a "helpful" message about why she shouldn't be sending them emails anymore. The last time this happened, my brother-in-law threatened to call the police and file a harassment claim over some stupid emails. It's like, gee thanks for making things less stressful.

My family is not guiltless in this either. I think my wife is allergic to people who think they don't do anything wrong and never feel the need to apologize. She gets along well with her parents (though there has been conflict in the past) because they are willing to empathize with her and willing to apologize when necessary.