What draws us to our pwBPD even when we know we want to leave

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Has anyone figured out for them what makes them be so drawn to our pwBPD.  Not when we started the relationship or choosing to continue it, but now - once we have seen the light and want to move on. 

So I KNOW I don't want the r/s and my stbxH that I had for 16 years anymore.  I also think my deepest desire is for my ex to seek treatment and to want to be healthy and for us to be able to reestablish the r/s in the future as healthy human beings.  I logically understand that is not going to happen.  But ultimately, I think that is my deep down desire.

I get that when you have been with someone for a long time, it is so sad to lose that part of your life.  I don't know what a person who is going through a divorce with a nonBPD feels like.  But why do I feel so drawn to my ex?

As I read through these boards I feel like a lot of people are also drawn to their exs. I realize this is probably something unhealthy in me.  I will be working to figure that out.  But has anyone figured out what makes them be so drawn to their pwBPD?

[16YearBetrayal]

Has anyone figured out for them what makes them be so drawn to our pwBPD.  Not when we started the relationship or choosing to continue it, but now - once we have seen the light and want to move on. 

So I KNOW I don't want the r/s and my stbxH that I had for 16 years anymore.  I also think my deepest desire is for my ex to seek treatment and to want to be healthy and for us to be able to reestablish the r/s in the future as healthy human beings.  I logically understand that is not going to happen.  But ultimately, I think that is my deep down desire.

I get that when you have been with someone for a long time, it is so sad to lose that part of your life.  I don't know what a person who is going through a divorce with a nonBPD feels like.  But why do I feel so drawn to my ex?

As I read through these boards I feel like a lot of people are also drawn to their exs. I realize this is probably something unhealthy in me.  I will be working to figure that out.  But has anyone figured out what makes them be so drawn to their pwBPD?

[Happy1]

16year,

I don't want to be flippant or appear to over simplifying this issue, but for me, I liken it to Stockholm Syndrome (www.en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stockholm_syndrome).

Also, I was raised in a tumultuous household with a push/pull relationship with my mother. So, when I met my BPDex, I felt as if I'd found someone who wasn't as my mother acted toward me. Someone who boosted my flagging self esteem. When this person began to exhibit some of the same behaviors as my mother and my feelings of losing that (artificial) boost in my self esteem wained, I tried harder to get it back. Very much like any other typical addiction or reward based change in behavior (www.en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Reward_system). I believe the "addiction" that hold me has at least some of its roots in brain chemistry, changes in behavior. All of these of which are very deeply rooted in both the classical nature (neurology) and nurture (social conditioning).

Now, to understand it on a mechanical level is one thing. To be able to effectively make positive changes in behavior of our own is another. And, likely why we're all here trying to help one another.

[MrFox]

For me it is definitely a co-dependency issue.  Being raised by a BPDmother definitely shaped me into a prime candidate for a relationship with a pwBPD. 

[Perfidy]

In the simplest terms and taking disorder out of the picture, familiarity. All of the attraction is still there. Disordered or not that is what draws people together to begin with. We are familiar with our partners and there is a level of comfort.

[growing_wings]

many things... and might be different for each person. to summarize some o fht eones i have identified in me:

1. Co-dependency: Easier to "concentrate" on helping /rescuing someone else than to direct hard healing work towards myself.

2. I miss the "image" i had of her during the honeymoon.  oh i still miss that mirror! it was myself loving myself! as said, it was an image, not a reality, but still... ;-)

3. I want to rescue her and be there for  her (despite her being really tough on me), be the one that can take anything (i even told her that, i guess i could not take everything... . )

4. I dont like feeling "abandoned" either... .  

5. she made me feel guilty of the whole thing... . she made me look like the disordered one, although certainly i have my own issues to handle with, i think she beats me in the disorder race... but i find it hard to leave as i want to go back and redeem myself from this guilt.

Good question this one! thanks... . identifying the reasons why i struggle to detach is key to work on those so we can detach

sounds simple haha, is not... .

[Perfidy]

Familiarity with the issues within your self that make you codependent. If it were just that simple anyone could understand it  without having a phd in psychology. Since most of us don't it needs to be dumbed down a bit. Dig deep. Work hard. Brevity is the key to clarity.

[nevaeh]

I am in the middle of this myself and would love to know the real answer to this question!

H and I are separating and my logical brain tells me that there is no way it will work out even if he gets help.  My heart feels guilty and obligated to give him another chance.

I have explained to him that there is something very broken inside of me as well and I have to figure that out (and fix it) before I can even think about re-establishing a relationship with him.

[16YearBetrayal]

Javamoon, I am right there with you.

I have accepted that what I really want (but have no control over and know will not happen) is for my ex and me to go our separate ways (without causing damage to ourselves or each other), become healthy individuals and then get back together and live happily ever after.   

I am working to accept I have no control over this and I can only do my part of it - work on myself to become a healthy individual myself.

I have read somewhere that the idealization phase can be an addiction.  So maybe we are all just addicted to that idealization stage and were willing to take such abuse just to get back there again one day.  That is why the NC is so important as it is like going cold turkey off a drug.  But when I read about NC, it just made me cry as I have a child with this man and will never be able to go NC.  The best I can do is be low contact.  That is what I am doing now, but every time we interact in any capacity, my emotions are all over the place - from hate and anger to love, caring, and compassion.   

[winston72]

Hey 16... . it is a very important question that you ask, and one that will have answers that will likely evolve over a long period of time.  The answers are tied to the process of self-discovery and growth that will be the pathway to a better future, a better life for you and your child.

I would like to add one comment to your thread... . that you at one time promised to be with this man "until death do us part" or whatever might have been in your vows.  You were married and you did not plan to divorce.  You gave your heart and your life and your hopes to this man.  These are not things that are simply retracted or disappear from no contact.  A marriage, a child, many years together... . it is not a surprise that you would still be drawn to, connected to, even attracted to him at some level.  The intricacies of the "why" become much more relevant as you seek to unwind yourself from him with the understanding of his toxic personality traits, and that is the journey you are on.  But the depth of your connection to him is a function of your original desire and ability to attach to him. 

[Stjarna]

Hi, I am in much the same boat too, which is why I am here.  I had a 40-year marriage that I left almost a year ago.  I am getting better and getting more and more clear, but still... . I have twinges where I feel so sad, so very sad for him, that I still feel like maybe it's just my responsibility to go back and take care of him.  I see the frightened little boy in him, and I just break open. 

I've done a little reading in the last week on the Stockholm syndrome and "trauma bond."  That has helped me find out more about myself and what it is about me that keeps this push/pull able to happen.  I finally feel like perhaps I can stick to no contact now (we've gone back and forth and round and round with that... . it NEVER ends well... . just keeps the wounds open for both of us).

But, I guess that for the next several months/years, it will be a process.  I can say that I have seen a huge difference in the way I am affected by the daggers he throws my way.  I used to break down at every one, especially the ones that were exceedingly sentimental; for example, he texted me "I had a dream last night, and I awoke suddenly at dawn, and the covers on the bed were mussed up a little, just enough that it looked like you were lying next to me.  For just a brief moment, I was happy."  That sort of thing would send me into an emotional abyss at first, and now when he tries that, I am able to keep some distance.  It is not easy.  I am so very thankful for all of the information on this board.  It has helped me immensely. 

[Pinoypride18]

even after learning about BPD and the breakup there is something in me that still wants to help her. like i have to be the rescuer and hep her through this. there might not be love for her but i still care for her, and it hurts to see her go down this road and get worse. but i have to realize that she was always like this and it was never my job to fix her. i just want her to live a healthy life with a healthy relationship even if it is not with me. i always thought highly of her but it is weird when she doesnt even think she is worthy and has to act desperate and needy, jumping from one relationship to the next because of her issues. that is not a way to live. but it is her life.

but the evil part of me wants to stand by and watch this train wreck happen. and see her suffer for how she treated me