She wants to get back together, but accepted that I ONLY want to be friends?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I started talking with the exBPD girlfriend about a month ago, this was after a 30 day break where I didn’t have any contact with her.  I initiated the NC and I am the one that ended it on my terms while I was trying to seek closure.  I’m certain she asked for the initial break back in December because she was interested in someone else.  Obviously it didn’t work out for her and now she’s decided she’d be happy to settle on me.  One problem she has run into with her plan is that while I still love her, and I find her very attractive, I am not interested.   Regardless it’s not a good idea for us to be a couple.  She is very unpredictable and has a very hard time telling the whole truth.  She actually qualifies everything she says so later she can fall back on what she said and explain why it isn’t a lie.  I don’t know if she believes her own BS, but she certainly does not think that omission is lying. 

So a week or so ago she brought up the idea of getting back together.  0I responded to her interest by explaining we’re only going to be friends and that I don’t feel comfortable dating her at this time.  We had been together for three years and all she did was talk about getting married, then one day she ended all of that and acted as though she never wanted to be together.  She excused herself from all responsibility, blaming all of our problems on MY trust issues.  Excusing herself from accountability wasn’t really new, though she’d never done to end our relationship before. 

Later she called me after I gave her the “let’s be friends” talk and she said that’s all she ever really wanted, that she wasn’t sure why she asked to get back together.  Do you think she was willing to be my gf just to continue talking to me?  Or is it possible she really is hiding her feelings, as mixed up as they are?  Can someone help me understand what is going on in her head? 

We live two hours apart, so we only talk on the phone.  I’m starting a new job after grad school and some of my friends think that she is only interested in me now because of my new found success.  I will admit my feelings for her are strong, but I cannot help but wonder if hers are real at all.  Any insight you might have would be appreciated.   

[SheAskedForaBreak]

I started talking with the exBPD girlfriend about a month ago, this was after a 30 day break where I didn’t have any contact with her.  I initiated the NC and I am the one that ended it on my terms while I was trying to seek closure.  I’m certain she asked for the initial break back in December because she was interested in someone else.  Obviously it didn’t work out for her and now she’s decided she’d be happy to settle on me.  One problem she has run into with her plan is that while I still love her, and I find her very attractive, I am not interested.   Regardless it’s not a good idea for us to be a couple.  She is very unpredictable and has a very hard time telling the whole truth.  She actually qualifies everything she says so later she can fall back on what she said and explain why it isn’t a lie.  I don’t know if she believes her own BS, but she certainly does not think that omission is lying. 

So a week or so ago she brought up the idea of getting back together.  0I responded to her interest by explaining we’re only going to be friends and that I don’t feel comfortable dating her at this time.  We had been together for three years and all she did was talk about getting married, then one day she ended all of that and acted as though she never wanted to be together.  She excused herself from all responsibility, blaming all of our problems on MY trust issues.  Excusing herself from accountability wasn’t really new, though she’d never done to end our relationship before. 

Later she called me after I gave her the “let’s be friends” talk and she said that’s all she ever really wanted, that she wasn’t sure why she asked to get back together.  Do you think she was willing to be my gf just to continue talking to me?  Or is it possible she really is hiding her feelings, as mixed up as they are?  Can someone help me understand what is going on in her head? 

We live two hours apart, so we only talk on the phone.  I’m starting a new job after grad school and some of my friends think that she is only interested in me now because of my new found success.  I will admit my feelings for her are strong, but I cannot help but wonder if hers are real at all.  Any insight you might have would be appreciated.   

[seeking balance]

Do you think she was willing to be my gf just to continue talking to me?  Or is it possible she really is hiding her feelings, as mixed up as they are?  Can someone help me understand what is going on in her head? 

BPD is an attachment disorder - you are still an attachment for her... . where that attachment leads depends upon your boundaries.  Do you know what your boundaries are?  I suggest you spend time practicing the staying board tools so you can be a friend to her if that is your goal.

We live two hours apart, so we only talk on the phone.  I’m starting a new job after grad school and some of my friends think that she is only interested in me now because of my new found success.  I will admit my feelings for her are strong, but I cannot help but wonder if hers are real at all.  Any insight you might have would be appreciated.   

Honestly, sounds like your future is taking you in a new direction - do you have any hopes in starting a new romantic relationship?  I can tell you based on this, if I were to date you it would be a HUGE red flag if someone was in a major relationship for 3 years and only took a month off before becoming close friends with the ex, especially an ex that I heard the BPD story about.  I dunno, that is just me though.

Overall, it really does sound like you may be using her just as much as she is using you - going through major life changes yourself and she may be offering some sort of comfort?  Nothing wrong with that, just know why you are doing what you are doing.  Why do you want to be friends?

[winston72]

Hey SAFaB... . I affirm the post from SB!  Some good areas for self examination.

I would like to add a response about whether or not her feelings are real.  I would say, Yes!  But that means that they are real when she wants to marry you, real when she wants to be friends, real when she wants to take a break to pursue someone else, real when she wants to get back together, real when she is afraid of telling you the truth so she omits facts... . lots of reality here!

No one can tell you what is going on in her head; but you have given a pretty good account of the results of what goes on in her head.  There are a lot of diverse, seemingly contradictory feelings and behaviors flowing from her.  That is real.  You do no get to pick one or a few of them and ignore the rest.  You get the whole person.  No one can draw a straight line of coherence through all of these parts of her, they exist as you have experienced them. 

So, in light of this, what do you want? 

[SheAskedForaBreak]

I have a really long term friendship with her brother-in-law and her younger sister.  They are married and introduced the two of us three years ago when I moved from California to Indiana.  This is one reason I feel a need to maintain a positive relationship with my ex.  

I also really enjoy hanging out with her, when she isn't trying to be my gf.  She's funny, cute and loves a lot of the same bands I do.  I don't really have many friends that like to "do" anything.  So my friends I can hike with, go to shows, and even do something intellectual like museums are all very dear to me.  I'm moving to a bigger city with a more academic culture, perhaps I'll make more friends.  

Mostly I know she's not got many good people in her life and I want her to know that someone cares.  Her family is phenomenal to her and I love that they are there for her.  Mostly I just know I'm happier talking to her rather than ignoring her for the rest of my life.  

Finally I am dating, but nothing serious.  She's likely got something going herself, but I take offense to your insulation that I'm using her.  Our current relationship consists of one to two phone calls a week.  I understand this is an attachment for her, maybe it is better if I just break all contact permanently.    That just makes me feel hitty.  

[SheAskedForaBreak]

Winston, that's a good question.  I believe what I want is to remain friends, just friends.  Not even friends that sleep together, regardless of how awesome that part was.  The baggage our relationship carries doesn't allow us to be more than friends.  I'm also not interested in complicating my life horribly with the challenge of starting a new job. 

I appreciate your account Winston, well thought out and pointed.  I'm not totally over her, but I am past a point where I'll accept her behavior anymore.  She's trying to get me to chase her, if that's what she tries too often we'll just drift apart.  I won't ever pursue her again. 

[seeking balance]

I have a really long term friendship with her brother-in-law and her younger sister.  They are married and introduced the two of us three years ago when I moved from California to Indiana.  This is one reason I feel a need to maintain a positive relationship with my ex.  

I also really enjoy hanging out with her, when she isn't trying to be my gf.  She's funny, cute and loves a lot of the same bands I do.  I don't really have many friends that like to "do" anything.  So my friends I can hike with, go to shows, and even do something intellectual like museums are all very dear to me.  I'm moving to a bigger city with a more academic culture, perhaps I'll make more friends.  

Mostly I know she's not got many good people in her life and I want her to know that someone cares.  Her family is phenomenal to her and I love that they are there for her.  Mostly I just know I'm happier talking to her rather than ignoring her for the rest of my life.  

It sounds like she has a good family, that you appreciate as well. 

I have to say, based on what you are describing regarding a friendship - I do hope you spend some time with the staying lessons.  Although you are not staying in a romantic relationship, you are staying friends with her.  As such, boundaries and communication tools are critical for you both.

There is no rule that you have to break all communication - I am of the camp if you are staying in contact in a friendship way (this is what you describe) then the staying board will help you on navigating that relationship.  BPD doesn't go away because you are no longer romantically involved - you are still both attached to each other.

Good luck with your new job!

Peace,

SB

[shellsh0cked]

I can say this man... . in my case?  I cannot be friends with her... . Period.  Course, my situation was pretty bad.  She pulled a stunt that got her arrested for PI, disorderly and domestic violence... . but here's the thing.  She's the sister of a girl that plays in a band with me from time to time and her husband is one of my best friends.  As a result, there is a lot of this "is M going?  Cause I can't be there if so"... . and I am sure the same is on the other end.  It's strained a lot of friendships, but the truth is?  They would be much more strained if I tried to be a "friend".  Quite frankly I have known her for 20 years almost, and I've never been able to perform in the capacity of "friend" with her.  Usually any type of relationship with her eventually winds me up in her bed... . which is the most toxic place on earth for me, and I still get chills of being suckered back in.  Stay no contact and avoid her like the plague.  Your friends will understand why.   Mine do... . Yeah it sucks that you get left out, but you will find other things to do to fill your time instead of being tortured by someone that you yourself said aren't sure that even gives a damn about you bro.

[Perfidy]

Yeah, the friends thing is out for me too. No friends. Take a massive dump all over me. No friends. She may not value me, respect me, trust me, honor me, protect me or love me, but I do.