He just texted "i might have gone a little overboard with the revenge thing"

[Hurtbeyondrepair27]

He just texted again saying "i might have gone a little overboard with the revenge thing... " I am so furious I want to tell him to read everything he sent and remind him I didnt even do what he accused me of that sparked his need for revenge... And then tell him to f*xk off more or less... Tell me why I shouldnt... . I feel like he needs to know the damage he cause for no reason! Or continue nc?

[Hurtbeyondrepair27]

I want to say a bit? A bit? Youre jist speaking of the beteayal that doesn even count the seriously insane beyond repair verbal, emotional.abuse and trauma u put on me! F*- you! U treated me like trash!

[winston72]

Hello HBR... .

Perhaps the first word of advice should be to take some time before you respond to him. 

From reading some of your earlier posts, this person has hurt you terribly and that pain is still raw.  Finding a place of emotional safety and calm is the goal for you.  Your anger toward him can help you establish boundaries and energize your detachment from him... . and inform you as to how much you need to protect yourself.  However, how you respond is another matter.  Sometimes it can lead to more grief.  So, pause on this one, I think.

And, I will take my own advice and read all of your earlier posts before I respond more fully.

[bpdspell]

Hurtbeyondrepair27,

When you're in the midst of texting terrorism it helps to simply fall back and take a breather. Maybe turn off your phone for a couple of hours, go for a run, or walk but the overall healthy goal would be to disengage.

Our ex's won't leave well enough alone because they really thrive off toxic engagement and pulling you down into their abyss of misery. So your best offense is to simply let your ex stew in his own toxic juices by not responding. We "feed the beast" when we put ourselves on defense.

It's only human to want to defend yourself from accusations and manipulative lies but you don't need to convince your ex of YOUR side of the truth. There's no amount of explaining that will change the perceptions and thought processes of a mentally ill person.

True Story: My ex and I texted terrorism and express vile things to each other. Things would get out of control as we went for each other's jugular and overtime the exchanges eroded my sense of self and stripped my happiness. The verbal potshots are a signifier of toxicity and can do damage to your nervous system if this happens over an extended period of time. BPD engagement is a roller coaster; but when you're ready you'll hop off the ride for good.

Spell

[winston72]

Hey HBR, in reading your posts from yesterday it is clear that this has been and is a major shock and a terrible trauma.  It is most important for you to feel safe and to find a place, physically and emotionally, where you can start to find some peace.  Responding to him right now is not a priority.  There will be time in the future to determine a course of action with him.  I think BPDspell has explained this well.

Do you have a professional resource you can call today?  The priority is for you to get to a more stable place emotionally.

[shellsh0cked]

Hurtbeyondrepair27,

When you're in the midst of texting terrorism it helps to simply fall back and take a breather. Maybe turn off your phone for a couple of hours, go for a run, or walk but the overall healthy goal would be to disengage.

Our ex's won't leave well enough alone because they really thrive off toxic engagement and pulling you down into their abyss of misery. So your best offense is to simply let your ex stew in his own toxic juices by not responding. We "feed the beast" when we put ourselves on defense.

It's only human to want to defend yourself from accusations and manipulative lies but you don't need to convince your ex of YOUR side of the truth. There's no amount of explaining that will change the perceptions and thought processes of a mentally ill person.

True Story: My ex and I texted terrorism and express vile things to each other. Things would get out of control as we went for each other's jugular and overtime the exchanges eroded my sense of self and stripped my happiness. The verbal potshots are a signifier of toxicity and can do damage to your nervous system if this happens over an extended period of time. BPD engagement is a roller coaster; but when you're ready you'll hop off the ride for good.

Spell

Couldn't have said it better myself.  I did the same thing with my udxgfBPD.  Texting hate back and forth when we fought and ultimately broke up for the 8 gazillionth time.  It's a waste of emotion, and it can make you physically ill.  Tell you what.  BLOCK him from texting you and don't respond or even open any emails from him.  Delete is your friend.

BPDspell is 100% right... . they are trying to reel you back in to feed on you... . because they need that narcissistic supply to keep them feeling good and needed... . by anyone.  Even if they said they despised you the last time you talked that vampire still needs someone to feed on... .

I'm not sure of your past because I haven't read up on what your story is, but mine was really bad too... . Ended in her going to jail for PI, Disorderly and Domestic Violence charges on her.  She had actually come to my house to end my life and while waiting on me to get there, did about $4000 worth of damage to my car.  So, basically what I am saying is that I can relate. 

PS... . I never got an apology, or even a text like yours did you.  A restraining order and me telling our mutual contact I was DONE and wouldn't hesitate one second to have her put in jail if she so much as told someone to even "tell" me something.  No contact means NO contact... . no emails, no texts... . no calls... NOTHING... . and I wasn't gonna put up with it.  Not even one of her made up BS email addresses like she did before.  This is over!   If he presented a danger to you then go file a restraining order.  It's not difficult to do and gives you a lot of peace.

You owe him nothing.  Don't engage him even though you wanna tell him to burn in the hottest corner of hell.  If you do, you let them know they still have power over you... . even if you tell them something negative... . it's still a sign to them that maybe... . just maybe... . they can reel you back in.  Be strong.  It's hard I know firsthand.  YOu can make it through this... . I did!   

[Hurtbeyondrepair27]

Im on phone again more to say on a bit... I hate typing from here... So I decided to ignore it and u paid a bill and went rollerblading I come back ro him saying that he misses me and then a.meme with someone saying please respond I dont want to be alone its scarrry. Now I feel guilty bc I know hes that person I,love again and I dont think hes all nad and I know hes hurting. So now I feel bad for him while at the same time im mad at him for doing that bc on top of what he put me through and feeling bad and having to repair over the secret he told Nd defemation ofcharacter... . Now I have to feel bad for hom! Like hes the victim! And still no real apology! Then he says ok o get the hint ill leave u alone with a sad face. So now I feel guilt. This is horrible. I feel like crying and cant. The anger is for me and the sadness,is for him. Its conflicting and im really hurting

[zsazsa]

These feelings you are having are playing right into his hand.

The decision you have to make is if you don't want this kind of abuse in your life, and it will happen over and over again, you need to make the break.

This is not love, it's guilt, shame, confusion, etc... . etc... . etc... .

If you go back, you can expect more of the same next week.

Maybe see your counselor before you make any decisions.  He is not considering your hurt, only his, there are consequences to his actions just as we suffer the consequences of our actions.

I wish I had not gone back the first time, never mind the next 8 or so times. 

[almosthadme]

I did not read all the replies but NC and No response kills them.Two things have stuck with me that I have read on here.

1.Contacting them gives them the power back.

2.Contacting them they assume you want another ride on there "crazy train"

Not an hour goes by I don't think about my ex.It ranges from sadness to down right anger but keeping NC is the best, as hard as it may seem.

[Hurtbeyondrepair27]

 why wont he get help you know? Im attractive I match his intelligence im very caring and loving. wth?  Most girls look him over! And I see his beauty. Why am I not good enough for him?  sorry I hate whining but going through a range of emotions.

[Hurtbeyondrepair27]

These feelings you are having are playing right into his hand.

The decision you have to make is if you don't want this kind of abuse in your life, and it will happen over and over again, you need to make the break.

This is not love, it's guilt, shame, confusion, etc... . etc... . etc... .

If you go back, you can expect more of the same next week.

Maybe see your counselor before you make any decisions.  He is not considering your hurt, only his, there are consequences to his actions just as we suffer the consequences of our actions.

I wish I had not gone back the first time, never mind the next 8 or so times. 

He goes weeks without raging... ,but,i,have some suspicion,he,has been,silently ragimg this entire time... . Bc he,feels im out,of,his league (hos words) hes been trying to hide this side of himself... . I dont want him thinking I am trying to hurt him nc im totally npt kils me doing this but as he,said to me hes gotta face the consequences of,hos action.

Hars to respond to everyone from here... But,i never ever talk him down or call names im usually in a begging situation I jist cannot bring myself to hirt anotjer person like that no matter who they are I always try to reason.

I reasoned with,him in the,past so I thought there was hope... But,now I thinl he was just walking on eggshells to keep me. Iv been in an abusive relationship before so he was testing to see if I havent changed I think... This shows me I totally have but its really hard.

I think he was walking on eggshells at first and once he saw,i let my walla down shpwed hos true colors. This,really sucks bc,he knowa what I,have been through... .

He never loved me. Totally felt like he,did  hes putting me on a pedestal right now but ot wont last

[shellsh0cked]

My roommate told me that when I had enough I'd let her go... . I had to keep going back till it almost got me killed.  Some things that happened can never be taken back.  And when you keep allowing it?  It opens the door for really bad things to happen.  Please read this song... . by Lifehouse.  Wonder if he had a borderline in his life?

"Sick Cycle Carousel"

If shame had a face I think it

would kind of look like mine

If it had a home would it be my eyes

Would you believe me if I said I'm tired of this

Well here we go now one more time

I tried to climb your steps

I tried to chase you down

I tried to see how low I could get it down to the ground

I tried to earn my way

I tried to tame this mind

You better believe that I tried to beat this

[CHORUS]

So when will this end it goes on and on

Over and over and over again

Keep spinning around I know that it won't stop

Till I step down from this for good

I never thought I'd end up here

Never thought I'd be standing where I am

I guess I kinda thought it would be easier than this

I guess I was wrong now one more time

I tried to climb your steps

I tried to chase you down

I tried to see how long I could get it down to the ground

I tried to earn my way

I tried to tame this mind

You better believe that I tried to beat this

[REPEAT CHORUS]

Sick cycle carousel

This is a sick sycle, yeah

Sick cycle carousel

This is a sick cycle, yeah

[REPEAT CHORUS TWICE]

Sick cycle carousel

Sick cycle carousel

Sick cycle carousel... .

Step off it... . go on with your life.  Forget him.  ^^^^This was her and I... .

[goingtostopthis]

This reminds me a lot of what Im going through now.    I keep getting the same feeling over and over again,  and that is , just because hes having a bad time right now in "his" life,  meaning he feels powerless, his self esteem is at stake, hes got bad stuff happening to him financially right now, hasnt a job,  get the picture. Everytime the tension gets to be too much for him he starts to flip, meaning he gets mean and then the raging or obsessive fighting with me starts,  with verbal abuse to leave my face white for weeks.  Ya! I can relate to this stuff. Its shocking and its awful!  I couldnt help but get the impression that he devalues me to heighten himself. He shames me and blames me for things that never happened, clearly putting me in the position of being the one practically begging him to reconsider staying in the relationship with me. It didnt matter how clear I was with my reasoning over what was happening and not happening. He dimissed the obvious so many times, it only led me to believe that he wanted things this way so he could get off on the power trip.>BECAUSE  his life and his self esteem because of the state of it ,is so depleted... . and he is soo emotionally immature and BPD,  that this is the only way he knows how to cope to save his weak pathedic sense of self worth,  which there is none now. Pathedic is the world for it.     Every single thing that he was feeling about himself has been transfered on to me to carry.  I know there was something bad that happened to him prior to all this, but he wouldnt tell me what it was.  He said, I would hold it against him he told me.  And Im thinking how dumb can you get, he just admitted this to me and his brain is so screwed up he didnt even know what he was saying.  So here he is with no power what so ever in his real life, debt collectors coming ,you name it,  bad news... . His ego cant cope, so invents something to help him,    hey... .sabotage me... .  and I thought we were friends? Im an excuse to use to feed his disorder.  Which he is in complete denial about of course.   Isnt it pretty?        

[Take2]

Hurtbeyondrepair2. ... .

I am right there with you... . been thru soo much emotional and psychological abuse from my ex... . who continues to tell me daily how much he loves me while I just found out today that he's already talking marriage with some girl he JUST MET... . The extent of abuse he has put me thru also over things I have not done... . I just wish the anger could remain... .

I wishwish the same things of why won't he get help... . I am a great catch and we both agree that our chemistry is like nothing else... . Why why why can't he understand that ... .  

My therapist points out to me that it's as pointless trying to reason with him as it is to try with a severely mentally ill homeless person on the sidewalk... . and my ex has even raged hard enough that I've seen him completely change into a very scary crazy person... . so I know she's right... .

It's so hard to let go... . and yet everyone has told me there is no other choice... . but it's so intensely painful and hard to accept. ... .

[shellsh0cked]

Hurtbeyondrepair2. ... .

I am right there with you... . been thru soo much emotional and psychological abuse from my ex... . who continues to tell me daily how much he loves me while I just found out today that he's already talking marriage with some girl he JUST MET... . The extent of abuse he has put me thru also over things I have not done... . I just wish the anger could remain... .

I wishwish the same things of why won't he get help... . I am a great catch and we both agree that our chemistry is like nothing else... . Why why why can't he understand that ... .  

My therapist points out to me that it's as pointless trying to reason with him as it is to try with a severely mentally ill homeless person on the sidewalk... . and my ex has even raged hard enough that I've seen him completely change into a very scary crazy person... . so I know she's right... .

It's so hard to let go... . and yet everyone has told me there is no other choice... . but it's so intensely painful and hard to accept. ... .

Yep... . my therapist said the same thing... . you cannot reason with someone that has a mental illness like BPD.  They have to WANT help.  Nothing you say, a shrink says... . their mom... . dad, will do a damn thing but irritate them and make it worse.  The only help they get from themselves.  After all, we are the enemy... . and in their eyes you are the crazy one.

[Hurtbeyondrepair27]

He is saying he knows he went overboard... . ,but,he,said a "bit" over board... . I mean doesnt that mean he knows the behavior is bad?

[myself]

they are trying to reel you back in to feed on you... .

They also contact in this way so they can   

[Take2]

I believe momentarily my ex can acknowledge that his behavior has been bad... . but that never lasts... . He cannot process the damage he has done that hurts me so badly so he soon distorts reality so that he can justify his behavior. ... . it's quite sad for all involved.

And yep. ... we are the ones they see as crazy... .

[Hurtbeyondrepair27]

Its really hard right now not,to respond even tho I know the end result... .  

[bpdspell]

Hurt beyond repair,

You're in the midst of back and forth toxic engagement that is leaving you feeling confused and unsure of yourself. It is clear that you are struggling with accepting that you are dealing with a person who mentally unwell. But since you are on the leaving board I recommend that you read all you can about the toxic dance that is BPD. Blaming yourself for not being good enough or wishing your ex will get help are signs that you need to give yourself more time to process the fact that BPD is a real mental illness that has nothing to do with you or your worth.

You are bonded to an abusive man and even though I personally think you need to fall back the decision to engage with your ex is ultimately yours. We all get up from the table when we are full but please know that BPD isn't something that's within your power to fix. Please read all you can so you can make a better informed decision on whether you really want to be with this man or not.


Spell

[Hurtbeyondrepair27]

Thank you... . I keep wanting to contact, but I keep refraining. I have been through this once before, and I thought it would be

different this time. I knew this person for 2 years (as close friends) before getting involved romantically.

However... it wasn't until I truly loved him and dropped walls (after entering the relationship)

that he showed his true colors... I am really struggling, because he really is helpful and sweet...

and fun when he isn't going psychotic...

Even my ex always, the one before this guy, felt she was better than me. (I did say she... this times its he)

He has always been there for me when I needed him, and literally carried me when I was recovering from an accident...

that is what made me fall in love with him... and finally give in to his requests for my love.

But GD did he rip down, burn the bridge... tear it to shred p**s on it... oh gawd... I was literally sick

after his betrayal and horrible words. Some things are irreversible, and what he did ultimately was.

I would be nuts to go back...

Its the guilt and feeling sorry for the little boy I see that he has shrunk into. Because, I know, deep

down he is a good person. His mother tried to poison him when he was a child twice... . He has been through

hell... not justifying... but I understand and I am really feeling his pain right now. I feel mine too, and I have been

processing my anger, fears, and sadness on top of his. And it is overwhelming. I am attempting to detach though...

I keep coming up with things I want to tell him... . things he needs to hear, but I know it will fall on deaf ears once

he discovers how much he avoided responsibility.

He will probably just lash out at me again.  I just keep going back and forth mentally but I know I wont cave.

I just need to keep coming here and getting help from friends. I have a very good close friend who is borderline, but she

has been in treatment for 2 years plus group therapy and meds. She is very strong and has recovered quite a bit... . I am

thankful for her, because she is supporting NC even though she has great empathy for him since she has been on the other side.

But she knows exactly what he is doing and systematically walks me through what he has done and what is to come.

And she warned me early on... and everything she warned me about happened.

I don't know... I just really loved him and wanted it to work.  I just need tons of support right now

to hold out on NC. Because I actually loved him. But he does not love me... betraying me, defamation of character, blaming me telling

me I deserve the abuse and every horrid name is not erased. And I have enough self worth to know that he seriously can sit in his

loneliness and fears.

It really urks me that meme said "please respond I'm afraid of being alone... it's scarrry"

So let me get this straight you think I am a horrible person who is heartless a piece of trash who

abuses you yet you are coming back b/c you are lonely? Your self worth is so low you want to be with me

when you view me that way? And you want me to stay KNOWING you view me that way in reality?

f*** that! He hasn't taken responsibility for what he has done... . he has no clue how much he killed my heart...

he's too busy focusing on his pain... when he created it... how sad.

I am trying to revive my heart again... but dunno if I'll ever trust again... at least not as easily.

[bpdspell]

I am really struggling, because he really is helpful and sweet...

and fun when he isn't going psychotic...

Your ex is mentally ill and it was always there. Having BPD is a part of him; like having a pinky toe or having brown eyes.

Its the guilt and feeling sorry for the little boy I see that he has shrunk into. Because, I know, deep

down he is a good person.

Feeling guilty about his circumstances will do nothing to make him treat you better.  :)eep down inside lives his BPD. Again it's not separate from him. Our BPD's are capable of doing really sweet things but it doesn't subtract from the horror of their behavior when the mask is dropped. THIS IS THE REAL THEM. If you want to be with your ex you're gonna have to accept his BPD as well.

His mother tried to poison him when he was a child twice... . He has been through hell... not justifying...

I understand your compassion for him. My ex's mom was a six pack drunk and his father a chronic crack user. Both parents were quite neglectful and my BPD ex bf was sexually molested by family members and friends. But our BPD's are more than victims of circumstances. These circumstances have changed them literally by stunting their emotional growth causing them to develop a serious mental illness.

It is overwhelming. I am attempting to detach though...

Detaching will not be easy in the beginning. This is why it's imperative that you learn as much as you can about BPD. Perhaps you should seek out a therapist. More than likely you will discover personal issues of your own that cause you to be attracted to someone who's so badly damaged.

I keep coming up with things I want to tell him... . things he needs to hear, but I know it will fall on deaf ears once he discovers how much he avoided responsibility.

And that's the thing with BPD. They are attached to their OWN reality of the truth and aren't interested in being fixed by you. BPD is shame based disorder based in narcissism. Their capacity to be accountable is severely compromised. You cannot fix this with an explanation or reasoning. Your love cannot make him better.

I have a very good close friend who is borderline, but she has been in treatment for 2 years plus group therapy and meds. She is very strong and has recovered quite a bit... . I am thankful for her, because she is supporting NC even though she has great empathy for him since she has been on the other side.But she knows exactly what he is doing and systematically walks me through what he has done and what is to come.

And she warned me early on... and everything she warned me about happened.

You are blessed to have someone who can give you insight into your ex's behavior.

I just really loved him and wanted it to work. Because I actually loved him. But he does not love me... [/b

]

People with BPD do not love themselves so how can they love you? My question to you is do you love yourself enough to discontinue being treated poorly? Do you love you? If so then why do you need a mentally ill man to love you?

He has no clue how much he killed my heart... he's too busy focusing on his pain... when he created it... how sad.

People with BPD often lack the insight to realize how damaging they are to the hearts of others because they are emotionally stunted themselves. But you are worth protecting. You need to protect your own heart and stop expecting your ex to do that. He won't because he's incapable.

Spell

[Hurtbeyondrepair27]

Spell,

thank you so much I'm in tears right now.  

Everything you are so saying I know is the truth.

It's just difficult to look at it. I was single for so long after my previous relationship with a borderline

(4 years) and I was in therapy for a year and a half (and just started again last month)... . so I was ready to love...

I think I am healthier... . as far as loving other people... b/c I have more love for myself... but I had hope for him.

which is not healthy, and I know I need to work on that... . I guess I wanted to love, and I wanted him to experience

love, because he never has before. Because I truly cared about him... . I am sure there are selfish reasons too, but I know

a lot of it is because I did love him. I saw the good him for 2 years... . you know? This has been a small part of our relationship... .

only 4 months. So it's hard detaching from who he was before the relationship and at the beginning of the relationship.


He was a very affectionate person, and selfishly, I missed that after 4 years.

But I was being unhealthy... he is 21 and I am 27... he still lives with his parents... . all that.

He motivated to get a job while with me... but he was too immature for a relationship... but for some

reason I wanted to wait for him...

I think b/c I'm so messed up I don't feel like someone will wait for me to grow up completely (working really hard)

so I was giving him what I actually wanted as messed up as that sounds... I felt like we were loving eachother in a

very non judgemental way. (I do have my own place though go to school work- up until accident-) But I have a lot of areas to

work on.

But really maybe a part of me was with him, because I did feel I didn't deserve better... b/c who am I to judge. Who would

want me? I do love him... but there was some selfishness in there I am ashamed to say. But it doesn't erase the care I have for him.

I think I might be trying to rescue me though him... instead of rescuing me. Focusing on him... instead of me... . being codependent.

It hurts it really does... . b/c I feel like I'm trying to rescue a child that is drowning an there is no saving them. Even typing that

I feel a black pit a whole in my heart that makes me feel so sad. So very sad.

[Hurtbeyondrepair27]

I just felt the urge to look at his fb (we're not friends but all is public)

And he posted a picture of being stabbed in the back... . (and it says something

with a dr I'm a writing a prescription for new friends)

STILL thinking I stabbed HIM in the back when it was actually the OTHER way around!

What the heck?

Yet he is contacting me trying to get back together?

Furious again and so hurt. He betrayed ME. What he accused me of didn't happen!

confused, angry, hurt.

[bpdspell]

It's just difficult to look at it.

Yes facing the truth is difficult but it will keep you from creating your a reality based on self-deception which many of us on here have done, continue to do until the pain of the truth becomes so unbearable we have to face it.

I can relate to the age gap. I was 36 he was 26 and I loved him. We had amazing sexual chemistry and we connected on an emotionally deep level because we both shared tumultuous backgrounds of neglect and abandonment.  He was a renegade, a bad boy, and very aggressive and I was very attracted to him because I interpreted his behavior as the confidence of an alpha male. The bond we shared was very real. He felt like my soul mate when in reality he was the emotional replica of my narcissistic mother.

I think seeing a core trauma therapist would do you some good in terms of professional catharsis. Therapy helped me to make the connections between my abusive ex and my neglectful mother as well as helped me to understand the motivations behind my fixer/rescuer codependent traits.

My ex lived with his hateful parents as well. As much as they have damaged him they are also his enablers and support him in his toxicity.

In time you will be strong enough to focus on yourself and your own happiness again. I am almost certain you have some ironing out to do with your own family of origin issues like many of us on here and this in essence will be the beginning of a wonderful journey. Keep posting on here and reading the stories of others you are not alone in peeling back the layers of this often confusing onion.

Take care,

Spell

[Take2]

I truly relate to both of you... .   I am 46 and my ex is 32... .   he doesn't live with his parents, he has his own house, is very high functioning, but is very family oriented - sees his parents all the time.  Just helps to know others truly relate to exactly what I've been thru and what I am going thru... .   I hope it helps you both too... .

Hurtbeyondrepair27... . you are in so much pain... .   yet you are doing so well with NC... . be proud of yourself!

So hard - but you have shown strength... .

[Hurtbeyondrepair27]

Thanks... it is really f***ing hard though... .

I struggle everyday not responding even though I know he feels no remorse.

I am worried he is attempting suicide right now... which is me caretaking yet again.

[Turkish]

Thanks... it is really f***ing hard though... .

I struggle everyday not responding even though I know he feels no remorse.

I am worried he is attempting suicide right now... which is me caretaking yet again.

It's ok to feel that way, Hurt. Caretaking is a compound word. You Care. But good job on maintaining NC.