Mother In Law

[cult]

Hi everyone,

After a hiatus that saw me do some very intense work on myself following the sudden dissolution of a long-term relationship with someone who became disordered (BPD traits for certain), I find myself now in a new relationship that while not without problems, has been going very well. We are engaged and plan to marry in July.

My fiance's mother is, I am convinced, a Queen/Witch hybrid. Mother is vehemently against our impending marriage, in part because we are a same-gender couple. Mother raises her objections by attacking my character, insulting my fiance and punishing her by refusing to return her calls and her texts. Mother wants my fiance to do exactly as Mother says, and this is the only way to maintain peace with her. Refusing to abide by her wishes means subjecting oneself to withering criticism that is intended to stab to the heart. My fiance has a brother who behaves exactly the same way. Both of them are also racists, with the brother going to the extent of posting hate speech on Facebook.

They are doing their best to ruin our wedding (what they really want is to convince my fiance to break our engagement) by calling/texting my fiance and screaming at her that she is ruining their lives by marrying me and that our wedding is going to be destructive to the tweens, both of whom love me and support our marriage.

My fiance knows something is wrong with her mother but gets upset and defensive if I mention BPD.  I am concerned because my fiance has no boundaries whatsoever with Mother and very much wants her approval. Mother's manipulation and control tactics are successful in that my fiance sees her as all powerful, and even fears her still, even though fiance and I are both in our 40s. I'm back here, on this board for the first time, so I can get support for myself in detaching from the situation, and get tips for supporting the tweens (who are sadly, caught in the middle) and my fiance.

[lucyhoneychurch]

I would be familiar with some of your fiancée's issues, cult, as my mother made every attempt to undermine and ruin wedding plans for me and all of my siblings. I wish I had some idea of how to suggest something helpful to you stuck basically between your loved one and her ferocious predatory parent.

The hate speech/racist stuff is all too familiar as well. Toxic hurtful language and I will never understand how they think it is okay.

All I can think to say just as what crosses my mind, is, that until your fiancée really can come to the realization that her mother is destructive and is ready to take away that type of control and power from someone who is actually living in fear and paranoia - that's just it I don't know what to tell you. Even if you delayed your nuptials until things improve in that regard, if it were my mother, she would've seen that as a victory and gotten even more "dangerous" in her abuse.

I'm so sorry. This should be a really good fun time getting ready for your joining of households and hearts and lives.  Her tweens need less not more of their grandmother's crazymaking given their ages.

I hope your loved one can see that she has a right to follow her heart and make choices and dream big.   

[strangerinparadise]

Oh dear goodness, the selfishness of some people! There's no way to keep your MiL out of the wedding? I'd almost be tempted to get a security person (not actual security, just a good friend) to sort of be a buffer. I can see how it's hard for you to support your fiance when she's being controlled by such a vindictive and abusive person. My Mumster didn't really mess with our wedding but that's only because she wanted people to see how good she looked vicariously through me.

I hope you have a wonderful, beautiful wedding. Such an event is meant to be treasured, not dreaded. You're fiance is lucking out on getting someone who already knows about BPD and is helping to steer said fiance out of the Wicked Witch's Woods(tm). I wish I could have a band aid or wand that would fix things for you but since I don't, I want to give you an eHug and hope the best for you and your fiance. This will get better. You both deserve happiness.

[cult]

Thanks for the replies. My fiance is very defensive about the suggestion that Mother could have BPD, but she did read an article I located yesterday about the four BPD types (witch, queen, hermit, waif), and she agreed that Mother is a hybrid of Queen and Witch. However, fiance seems to think she can turn the tables on Mother by engaging with her. She wants to text Mother today and tell her that "she doesn't need (Mother's) permission to get married." I encouraged her NOT to do so. Complicating matters is the fact that it's Mother's birthday next Monday. Fiance wants me to come with on a birthday outing; I have told my fiance that I do not think that is a good idea and that we have to discuss the boundaries I need in place to protect myself from Mother. I told my fiance directly that I was not going to sit and take Mother's insults and abuse, especially in front of the tweens. I think that is the absolute worst example I could set for them, that tolerating the rantings of a crazy person is acceptable. Clearly I do need to detach myself.    I'll keep you all posted and I continue to welcome feedback.