My mom is a demon in my dreams

[lauren2013]

I have been NC with my mom since November and I couldn't be happier or more depressed at the same exact time.  After making the decision to go NC I was euphoric.  I felt like a fog had been lifted and I could see the world more clearly.  I felt more optimistic about the future and more excited about life.  All of the anxiety that surrounded her was suddenly taken away and I felt free. 

Unfortunately, that feeling only lasted several days.  What followed was anxiety.  Anxiety about what this meant... . what the future holds... . how I will manage to maintain NC... . and FEAR.  I am so afraid of her and her emotions and I have been dealing with a lot of symptoms of PTSD.  What's weird is that I've always felt anxious about her (and definitely in her presence), but I feel that the anxiety has actually grown recently.  Something about having that firm NO CONTACT in my head makes it all the more frightening to imagine her re-entering my life.  Everything scares me now... . getting a card from her, seeing her contact in my phones, seeing her handwriting... . it's like I had a brief moment of freedom and now the anxiety has come back 10 times as strong even though I don't have contact with her!

I've also been having dreams about her every single night.  They are always terrible dreams where I'm either trapped somewhere with her, she is holding my baby (now 5 months old) and I am fearing for her safety, or, in the most recent one, she was actually a demon.  She had eyes without pupils, thinning hair... . it was a horrible, horrible sight and I can't believe I made this up in my own head.  I am clearly really stressed about the current situation, but I don't know what to do b/c I am also clearly really afraid of her.

It's weird - she has not physically harmed me... . she is small in stature, not threatening in her looks... . but I am SO afraid of her.  I received a box in the mail from her the other day and I went into the bathroom and couldn't stop shaking and crying.  It is like anything even associated with her scares me to death and that fear is growing by the day. 

I really don't know what to do b/c she is abusive and I have no desire to have any sort of relationship with her.  If it were just her (and did not affect my entire family) I would have zero contact with her UNDOUBTEDLY.  But there's my dad.  And my brothers.  And my new baby, Grace.  And all of my best friends that live in my hometown where she lives.  I am afraid of her.  I am afraid at how angry she will be at me for maintaining NC for as long as I have.

You know those movies where a murderer is holding someone captive downstairs and you see the person trying frantically to escape, but the murderer just laughs and sits back in a chair watching them b/c he/she knows there is no way for the person to escape?  That's how I feel with this NC thing.  I feel like my mom is sitting back thinking "aw, isn't that cute.  ok - you can go no contact. but it won't last." Does anyone else know that feeling?  Almost like it's not my decision... . out of my control.

I think about my mom 24 hours a day.  I decided to go NC so that she could not cause me any more harm or anxiety, but, to my surprise, I feel like I have more anxiety in my life than I even did before.  And I am definitely dealing with some form of PTSD.

Would love your advice, thoughts, and words of encouragement.

[Sitara]

Sorry to hear you're having such a difficult time. I thought a lot about my mom at first, but I think I really needed to process a lot of stuff.  She is the one that more cut off contact, but we do get packages from time to time for the kids.  I do have that moment of panic when I get a text or message on my phone.  I think a lot of it for me is waiting for the other shoe to drop. I don't know if that is something that would ever happen, she's more of the type to just stew silently in her own anger and vent to whoever will listen.

I know it's hard that I lost other people along with my mom, but fortunately none of them were really all that great towards me anyway.  My dad wouldn't protect me and my sister hated me, so I wasn't really losing much.

It's helped me to focus on my own issues and work on myself.  Things are slowly getting better.

Just remember it was your decision and it is in your control.  You decide what happens from here on out.

We're here to support you. 

[lucyhoneychurch]

   lauren   

I will guess your age as a younger new mom, just because you mentioned a little 5-month-old sweetie named Grace... . so forgive me if you are older or have more children... . but for Grace's sake, and yours, really look at what you wrote, and stick with me for a minute or two... .

"Almost like it's not my decision... . out of my control."

That was about your mother sitting back (in your imagination) and gloating that you can't do this. That it won't last. That you'll be back.

And that it's "almost like it's not my decision... . out of my control."

Oh you are so very wrong, if I may say it that way. You are so mistaken and that's a good thing because that is something YOU *can* fix.

It IS your decision.

It IS in your control.

Your life is yours to live.   

You have so much to live for and enjoy and learn and experience.

Don't cave to panic (it's so easy to do!) and don't live in fear.

You are an entity unto yourself.   

You are Grace's *mother* and that means you are privileged to watch this little creature grow and change and grow and change right along with her.

I know because I grew and changed with each of my three babies and with them as a whole.

You can find a way to shut off the fear. I did, and I was physically ill each time before and after a visit from my mother. Once I went NC, I was petrified, turned to stone, with fear.

Fear is inside of us. It can indeed come from an outside force - a high crime neighborhood, illness, finances, you name it - but this type of fear, of a tiny woman who looks at you with hate because something is so deeply wrong with HER not YOU... . this is a fear that is rightly manifested because you know she's harmful to your well-being, but wrongly (again wrongly only because I cannot think of a better term, apologies, Lauren, for having to use "wrong" imbedded inside of you.

It does not belong there.

She is outside of you.

She is not inside of you. But we give them so much head room don't we Lauren?

They set up housekeeping all these years and we have no way or idea how to EVICT them.

My guess is that so many good things have happened to you lately, having a baby and enjoying her (her name is just elegance untold), and finding out your strengths as a parent - you now have alot to lose.

That's how it feels.

But in reality, you don't.

She cannot take or steal one single thing from you. Except your peace of mind. And you will be giving that to her.

She has stolen so much with her cruelty.

You can yank it all back, you can yank the control back, you can grab your mind back -

"OH NO YOU DON'T!"

Tell her that in your head.

But live it in your life. Know and it will take such a self-talk like no other, that she cannot do anything to you.

She can't.

The instant that reality crashes into your heart and mind like a big breaking wave on the rocks, it's going to sweep so much of this heartache away from you. I so empathize and remember lost days and so many nights waking to sobbing choking nightmares with her face terrorizing me.

She's hijacked your life and dreams long enough.

Grab it all back. It's yours just at the end of your fingertips.

Never was hers.

Reality says, Embrace what's yours, it has been yours all along, you just didn't know where to look.

So so wishing you a peaceful night and better days and weeks to come. 

[strangerinparadise]

Lucyhoneychurch really drove it home for me (and more importantly, you! )

As another lady starting NC I know what it feels like to have recurring nightmares of my Mumster. I have been diagnosed with PTSD as a result of my childhood and I struggle still but I wish the best for you. You are on the right path when you are making your own choices and standing up for yourself. Go you!

[Legacymaker]

Dear sweet Lauren,

Please learn to let go of the fear faster than I did. 

I am 50 and have lived under my mothers thumb until very recently.  It has cost me a lifetime with my brother and my step father because I bought into her bull.  Over time, I developed my own "fleas" because I didn't understand this illness.  I made my own mistakes with my children.  Thankfully, they are nothing that I can't rectify.

It was only last year that I went to a therapist for the first time in my life.  Nearly a year ago to the day, that she suggested that I look into BPD relationships and my own co-dependency.

I do understand you fear because I spent many sessions addressing my own.  I did not understand it to be a form of PTSD when I first began therapy.  My mother has never hit me... . with her hands, or objects.  Her words however, cut me to shreds. 

I will never forget the turning point in my therapy sessions.  My T had me doing play/sand therapy.  She asked me to choose a character that represented my mother.  I chose a Rotweiller (by the way, I am terrified of large dogs).  She then had me choose other figures to represent my other family members and myself.  She put a series of fences between me and my mother.  As my T continued to talk, she tried to soften the scene by adding trees and other gentle items.  Then she began to remove the fences... . I had a complete PANIC attack and nearly climbed out of my chair with fear.  I felt my mother's presence in the room and the thought of my mother being that close to me suddenly terrified me.

What I want you to know, is that I was in therapy to resolve issues I was having with my brother at the time!  I didn't understand my own anger at my mother and it would be months later before I would accept that she has been the problem all along.

This was my beginning though.  It was on that day, that I began to address my own need to self preserve. 

So dear Lauren, be gentle with yourself.  Hold your heart as tenderly as you are holding that new baby girl.  There is a new you being birthed.  Give her room to grow, feel and be loved. Lucyhoneychurch and Sitara have both offered me great wisdom and support, so you can be sure you are among friends here!

[lucyhoneychurch]

When I started reading about Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, so much of my life and how I face each day (alot of trepidation and then some mixed with absolute apathy because what's the point anyway on my worst days), for so many years, finally made sense.

It's like we went down an assembly line, all humans, as children - some parents instilled self-esteem, some instilled nothing (indifferent, perhaps even negligent), and then some installed/instilled such major fight or flight responses and reactions in us, we have never known any other way to cope except to continue to live like WE ARE STILL THOSE CHILDREN.

CPTSD was such a revelation to me. For one thing, it was a real name, condition. It was not my being "overly sensitive" like I was told by my head machinist and abuser. It was not my being "too nice" (her flip side accusation).  It was my body as an organism, so trained to flinch and duck and watch for escape routes (hypervigilance), fear the quiet, fear the storm, fear everything - that even when my chronological age and circumstances (adult and my own family) guaranteed freedom from harm, that organism was completely clueless how to progress.

The machine that came down the assembly line of abuse and pain was true to its programming. We have to go at living, once we get some help and vent and recognize deserve peace, we have to go at it and learn and understand that we are scarred, very deeply, and those scars won't go away but we can learn new ways to live that break us free.

Override the programming, if that is one way to look at it, young friend, and learn everything you can about Complex PTSD.

You will realize how strong you are, for being here today. You will understand how amazing you are.

Somewhere on one of these threads I was reading the other day a poster said that when we come out the backside of this mess, we are dragon slayers. WE CAN SLAY THE DRAGON. I am not referring to the abusive parent with that term. I am referring to the fears.

I loved that and was texting a lovely friend youngest of 9 caring for her very elderly father  and she ate it up too, she said WOW.

Picture yourself a warrioress.   

Your weapons are within you.

Knowledge, for me, was the best dragon-killing tool I had.

Wishing you calm today.

[itsnotme]

I completely understand what you're saying. This incredible hold they have on us is so tight we can't get free. At least without a struggle. Little by little it gets easier, and the hard again. Expect it to be one step forward, two back. At least it has been for me. Everyday I think about her, how nc has changed everyone's life that is involved and how much she scares me.

Nc is the best for me and my family. My children don't really ask about her at all. She never really was much of a grandmother to them. So take your energy and focus it on your daughter. Anytime she pops up do something to better your relationship with your own daughter. Get a journal and write to your daughter. Write down your wishes and dreams for her. I even sometimes write down my sadness, letting her know how much I am working on NOT BECOMING who my mother is.

I'm sure not having your mom around is a blessing. She would be ruining the special moments that you have with your daughter. Nothing would be enjoyable. Trust me, three kids... and every birthday, baptism, dance recital... . you name it, was always ruined by her. Don't let your mother take one special moment away from you.

[StarStruck]

Keep Firm. I know the feelings you are going through & you start to think... how can I do this NC thing, you feel like you don't have the right or you even need to ask the abuser! for permission to save yourself. You will get over this time. Do you have professional support? I'm not saying you need or should but just a reminder that you should do whatever it takes and get whatever support you need to GET HER out of your life.

This is your life she has NO ownership over you. I think its lovely you have a child of your own - this is your future now!

More time you're away the better it'll be. Don't let the witch affect you as a Mom - think to yourself - how dare she try and ruin the goodness I can give to my child.

Get strong minded at times when you're able, don't feel guilty about thinking 'let the b*tch have it' meaning have the distance mom, get the f away from me. Yes, not the mildest words I've chosen to keep me strong but I liken it to fight fire with fire. Remember you've got to reach deep your the nice one, it comes easier to them. Thats why you're finding it hard at first; sadly being like this to them is second nature.

You WILL get strong times, then more strong times and then they will knit together then 'bye bye mom thoughts' 'we had a relationship once but now I'm going to ENJOY my life, don't wait for me'

You're going through a process, be patient and be kind to yourself

[lauren2013]

I can't thank all of you enough for your replies.  It still astonishes me how similar all of our experiences are and it feels so good to "talk" to people that TRULY understand. 

Sitara, my dad is the same way.  I love him and he is a GOOD person, but he is trapped and he will never free himself from her grip.  Is your dad still with your mom?

Lucyhoneychurch, thank you for your amazing words.  You are so right.  I need to realize that I am in control of my own life.  Why is that so hard to grasp?  I realized a few days ago that I would have a perfect life and be so so happy if it weren't for my mom.  I have a wonderful husband, an adorable dog, a perfect baby girl, loving friends, a great job... . literally everything i could ever ask for... . yet I am living a life full of anxiety and fear because of my mom.  And the worst part is, she lives on the other side of the country and I have no contact with her. The fact that she has this much power without even trying is just unbelievable.  But it's my fault.  I GIVE her that power!  I need to take it away.  I'm seeing a therapist and I'm learning how to do that.  I do feel better having that support.

Legacymaker, I am trying.  I am 31.  It's funny how you look into the future at each stage and think you will be in such a different place by the time you are 20... . 25... . 30... . but everything remains status quo.  That's the most frustrating part.  That I thought by the time I was married, lived on my own, had a BABY, that none of this would affect me... . that I'd be in such a different place.  But the things that plagued me at 15 still plague me at 30.  I want to get to a better place soon so that I do not spend the next 10 years in anxiety and fear.  All of the sudden I'll realize that my whole life has gone by and it was lived in a certain way just because of her. 

Itsnotme and Starstruck, thank you.  I am so grateful to have your support.

This support network is incredible.  I have gone my whole life without having met even one person that has a mom like mine.  And now, all of you.  I feel so much stronger even just knowing that we are all in this together (sort of).

[Sitara]

Yes, my parents are still together.  He would do anything for her despite the fact that she is never satisfied with anything he does. I sometimes feel he's trapped too, and I want to help free him but I don't think he would hear me.  I get the impression his mom was emotionally abusive too and he's stuck repeating the same cycle.

Now is your time to live your life! It's sad that we lost so much but now we can reclaim our lives!