Having a bad time and miss him - Why? when he was not supportive to me

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I am having a tough time at the moment for reasons not directly related to my ex.

I really feel like I miss him so much today and wish he was with me.

I don't know why I feel like this, because I know that he would have been totally unsupportive to me about the problems I am having.  In fact he would have made the situation worse.  He was never very supportive when I had problems or I was ill.  Sometimes, I felt that he didn't really want to know.  Yet he always expected me to help him with problems and listen to him when he wanted to talk about things that were troubling him.

Why do I keep remembering him in a false way?  It is almost as though I remember him as my ideal man, not the abusive creep he really was.  When will I stop thinking of him like this?

[Popcorn71]

I am having a tough time at the moment for reasons not directly related to my ex.

I really feel like I miss him so much today and wish he was with me.

I don't know why I feel like this, because I know that he would have been totally unsupportive to me about the problems I am having.  In fact he would have made the situation worse.  He was never very supportive when I had problems or I was ill.  Sometimes, I felt that he didn't really want to know.  Yet he always expected me to help him with problems and listen to him when he wanted to talk about things that were troubling him.

Why do I keep remembering him in a false way?  It is almost as though I remember him as my ideal man, not the abusive creep he really was.  When will I stop thinking of him like this?

[fromheeltoheal]

Why do I keep remembering him in a false way?

I did that for a long time, and it is very strange how our mind gravitates to the good points and minimizes the bad; lately I've chocked it up to a couple of things.  

First, it was very good in the beginning, not in reality now that I think about it, but in the fantasy I was conspiring with her to create, in fact it was perfect, I'd found my 'soul mate', I was convinced we had created perfect and pure intimacy, only later did I learn her part was all technique borne out of a life-or-death need to attach.  I'd never experienced someone coming on that strong and completely before, and now I know why.  So during the relationship when it got bad and after I left her, I was continually fighting to get back to that, with all of the distortions and denial that comes with it, and that didn't stop once I left her.

Second, it's a coping mechanism.  We've all had crappy stuff happen in our lives, and we can stay mired in them or we can get over them and move forward; the healthy way is to grieve something appropriately and then move on.  As a way around that, or maybe as part of the way through it, our minds reframe it, look for positives and lessons, make it livable in our heads so we can move on.  Taken to the extreme we end up repressing or distorting things, but a healthy dose is good for us.  Time heals as the saying goes, and much of that is that reframing along with distance, which is why bad things that happened a long time ago don't have the pull they once did, in a healthy mind.

Anyway, we know there was plenty of bad along with some good in our borderline relationships.  What helps is to make a list of all the unacceptable crap you tolerated, and as time goes on add to it as you remember more; mine was several pages before I burned it.  But it's a useful tool to detach by reviewing those things to counteract the good memories that insist on creeping in and keep you more grounded in reality, and with time, if yours was anything like mine, you'll have a more balanced view of things, heavy on the bad aspects, which is why it ended.

There's my two cents; take care of you!

[Popcorn71]

I have done a list of bad things and it went on and on.  The list of good things was very short.  Logically I can see he was no good for me.  However, I can't stop the stupid feelings that make me over-ride logic and think that I want to be with him.

I will keep adding to the list and try to knock some sense in to this stupid head of mine.

[seeking balance]

I am having a tough time at the moment for reasons not directly related to my ex.

I really feel like I miss him so much today and wish he was with me.

What you are feeling today is likely core stuff - this is not new, right?  Deep down fear or hurt?

When your pwBPD came into your life, he likely temporarily made you think those old feelings were going to go away... . that early on idealization phase is a magic pill to temporarily relieve core wounds.

So, the tough time you are having - it is ok to just feel it.  Understand logically that your brain is a bit faulty in connecting the dots in terms of your ex being a cure to the pain - accept it.

Working through the hurt or fear you have is the key right now - the ex is your minds distraction.  It is during these times that I believe we experience consciously what our pwpbd live with unconsciously.

What's you fear or hurt right now popcorn?

[fromheeltoheal]

I have done a list of bad things and it went on and on.  The list of good things was very short.  Logically I can see he was no good for me.  However, I can't stop the stupid feelings that make me over-ride logic and think that I want to be with him.

I will keep adding to the list and try to knock some sense in to this stupid head of mine.

Yeah, we need to consciously focus on that list and our future strongly to overcome where our brain and our heart want to go naturally.  The deceptive nature of these relationships gets its hooks in deep and it takes work to dig out, but the resulting growth ends up being a gift in the end.  Hang in there popcorn!

[Popcorn71]

I am having a tough time at the moment for reasons not directly related to my ex.

I really feel like I miss him so much today and wish he was with me.

When your pwBPD came into your life, he likely temporarily made you think those old feelings were going to go away... . that early on idealization phase is a magic pill to temporarily relieve core wounds.



What's you fear or hurt right now popcorn?

When my ex came into my life I had spent 6 years as a single parent to my 2 kids.  I was getting fed up of struggling on my own.  He seemed to be such a family man and told me that he knew that in order to be with me he had to love my children too.  For a while we were a perfect family.  Until he started to be verbally abusive to both kids and physically abusive to my son.  (I did not realise this for a long long time, even the children kept it quiet for fear of hurting me).  Meanwhile, I was so happy thinking I had finally found the man of my dreams who was going to take care of me and my children.

I suppose that now I am back to where I was right before I met my ex.  I am a single parent again with all the problems and stress to face alone.  The problems I am having are due to my son's bad behaviour and trouble at school.  Now I have the added worry/guilt that some of my son's issues may have been caused by my ex being in his life.  I feel terribly responsible for this and feel that I have let my children down by allowing this monster to hurt them for so long.

[Livin4me]

I have been feeling that exactly same way the past few days!  I don't understand it either  :'(

[seeking balance]

I suppose that now I am back to where I was right before I met my ex.  I am a single parent again with all the problems and stress to face alone.  The problems I am having are due to my son's bad behaviour and trouble at school.  Now I have the added worry/guilt that some of my son's issues may have been caused by my ex being in his life.  I feel terribly responsible for this and feel that I have let my children down by allowing this monster to hurt them for so long.

I am sorry your son is having trouble with school. Being a single parent is hard, exhausting work... . of course you were happy to have some help to share the responsibility and the load.  You did the best you could with what you knew regarding your ex - forgive yourself.

Did the school happen to give you some support resources so you don't have to feel so all alone in dealing with your son's behavior problems?

[Popcorn71]

  You did the best you could with what you knew regarding your ex - forgive yourself.

Did the school happen to give you some support resources so you don't have to feel so all alone in dealing with your son's behavior problems?

The school began to offer support a while ago due to the authorities becoming involved after my ex assaulted my son.  At first my ex attended meetings and tried to give the impression of a concerned step father who was sorry for his violence but blamed it on my son provoking him.  Looking back I can see that he withdrew from any help that was offered when it started to appear that these professionals could see through him.

Since then I have had promise after promise from professionals involved but very little has actually been done.

Again, I feel such pain at letting my son down.  I have had so much on my mind in dealing with the divorce that I failed to put my son first.

That's it - I am a failure!  I couldn't protect myself from my ex and I didn't protect my kids either.  At least when he was here I didn't know the extent of things and I thought our life was fairly normal.  Now I am having to face up to the fact that I let my children down.

[seeking balance]

That's it - I am a failure!  I couldn't protect myself from my ex and I didn't protect my kids either.  At least when he was here I didn't know the extent of things and I thought our life was fairly normal.  Now I am having to face up to the fact that I let my children down.

That is really hard stuff to deal with - honestly it is. The fact you are present now is good - many people don't poke their head out of the sand at all... . can you give yourself any credit for opening your eyes now?

Are you and your son in counseling together and separately?

[Popcorn71]

We are waiting for counselling - have been waiting for a year.  Maybe it will help when we get it.

I still can't help feeling that if I had done more and insisted on more help back then, that I would still be with my ex.  Stupid I know, because there was so little good in our relationship that it wasn't worth saving.  But still I blame myself.

[newlife3]

You can't change the past. All you can do is choose and prove to your son thru consistent action that you are here for him now!

Have you told your son that you are sorry that you were not there for him, or able to protect him? He needs to hear you being real, and then find some good family therapy.

You and your kids can heal from this thru some hard work and staying present.

All the best!

[seeking balance]

We are waiting for counselling - have been waiting for a year.  Maybe it will help when we get it.

is this a normal wait time where you live?

I still can't help feeling that if I had done more and insisted on more help back then, that I would still be with my ex.  Stupid I know, because there was so little good in our relationship that it wasn't worth saving.  But still I blame myself.

Well, like newlife says - we cannot undo the past - but we can apologize and work on ways to build stronger relationships for the future.  By the very nature, kids do love their parents - have you had open dialogue with your son on what happened, your part and what the future can look like?

[Popcorn71]

I have had another bad day.  I have been close to tears several times for no real reason.  I just keep thinking that I want him back.

I hope my son and I get counselling soon.  I think it is usual to wait this long here, unless paying privately, which I cannot afford.  I find it very difficult to talk with my son as he is always angry at me.  I hoped our relationship would improve when my ex left but if anything it is worse.  I hoped my son would see that I chose him over my ex, but instead he feels that I blame him for my marriage being over.

It's all a big mess and I wish I had never met my ex.  I could have had a good future with my kids but it all seems so difficult now.

[newlife3]

Counselling will give you some tools to improve the r/s with your son, but the real work comes every day in how you interact with him. You can start that now...

It will take some time for him to trust you again so keep keep validating his feelings ie: okay for him to feel mad at you...

Anger is usually about unmet expectations, ie: hurt...

You can create emotional safety for your child through positive attachment experiences: ie: validating his feelings, spending lots of time doing play activities and most of all being consistent in his routines...

I'm sorry your ex was abusive to you and  your children, but you have the power now to create a good life...

[seeking balance]

It's all a big mess and I wish I had never met my ex.  I could have had a good future with my kids but it all seems so difficult now.

It may be difficult - but it is doable. 

Your son needs you even if he is angry right now.  Tools will help as newlife says.

[Elpis]

Popcorn71,

I feel ya.

I've only been days out of the house away from my uBPDh. I'm close enough to the situation still to be having conflicting feelings... . and then he leaves me a voicemail or a zillion texts and I hear that "oh poor me you are so mean to me" and I think "right! this is why I left." I wasn't body blocking HIM from getting into the bathroom, I wasn't threatening HIM with cutting off all credit cards and bank accounts... .

It's part of the dynamics of the sick r/s we have with our pwBPD, it's very complicated, we usually end up enmeshed in an unhealthy way. When I think of enmeshment I think of one of those balls of twine or yarn where if you don't tidily pull the end of the twine out but instead grab a handful and yank it out, you end up with this tangled, mangled mess. That's our enmeshed relationship. It's all twisted and knotted instead of having smooth even boundaries. We get confused over who is who in the r/s because the 2 people have gotten tangled rather than having clear separate identities.

That enmeshment makes it harder to make a clean separation from that pwBPD, and we still very much have our "nerve endings" still twisted between us (if that makes sense!) It's easier to remember the good times since most of us would prefer to, and then when we feel needy it's a natural thought to go back to what's familiar.

We need to work to become our own separate person again, getting more familiar with who we are and what things are important to us. That can happen as you choose how you want to deal with your son's problems. It's not too unusual for a child to act out when things are stirred up inside them that they don't know how to express. And like was already said, you get to choose how you interact with him. I swear I have apologized to my grown children for years for the things I didn't know that in turn affected their childhoods. I didn't know that I was in an abusive situation because I stuck my head in the sand thinking I could make it work.

You knew what you knew to do at the time when your ex was with you, right? There's no blame in that. If you can tell yourself "We grow when we grow, we learn when we learn" (which has helped me a lot) the Blame Game can quit and you can move forward. Seriously, I was 34 years into my marriage before I realized what was really going on (thank God for my therapist!) Try THAT on for a huge dose of the Blame Game!

If we can accept our flaws as humans and realize we can't know everything, we can more easily move forward. Not that those nerve endings won't act up from time to time. They will. But with our acceptance of our own broken-ness we can keep from getting stuck there and not moving forward.

I know it's easy for me to say "don't call yourself a failure" but trust me, I told myself I was stupid for yeeeears until I finished the statement "--because I can't make him happy." We tell ourselves whatever lies at the time safeguard our psyche, and that's just human-ness.

You can start from right here, right now, to make a difference with your son by being open and helping him understand what broken-ness is, and that it's normal to feel all messed up, but that we can get help to untangle our feelings and begin to move forward again.

Clearly you are a caring mom! Focus on that. Focus on what will help him and your other children. So much better than focusing on your "failings" (translate: 'didn't know at the time.'

You're here, you're learning, you're ready to move forward, that's the positive path to your future.

[Popcorn71]

Thank you for your supportive replies.  I have had bad couple of days.  Yesterday I was shopping and I found myself looking at a shirt that I would have bought for my ex when we were together.  I had to remind myself that we are divorced now.  It was actually like I forgot for a few moments.  Of course that made me feel really upset.  I have been close to crying a few times in the last few days.

I don't know if I really miss him or if it is just a reaction to all the stress at the moment.  I wish I could feel normal again. :'(

Things are still bad with my son too.  Not a day goes by when he doesn't call me awful names and today he told me he wishes I would die.  Then tonight he offered to watch a film with me    He does the push/pull thing as bad as my ex.

[newlife3]

There is a great parenting board on this site that can give you ideas. Your son is triggering you, reminds you of ex, but he is not the ex, he's a child. As the saying goes it takes a village to raise a child... Do you have friends, family that can help you with your child, ie: spending time with him so you get some breaks?

He is testing you re: trust...

Hang in there!

[Popcorn71]

There is a great parenting board on this site that can give you ideas. Your son is triggering you, reminds you of ex, but he is not the ex, he's a child.

I will have a look at the parenting board.  Thanks.

You are right, in many ways my son's behaviour does remind me of my ex, although my ex was not his biological father, he had been around since my son was 6 yrs old so maybe some habits have been passed on.

Today has been better.  My son was very helpful and actually pleasant to me this morning.  He helped me get the last items belonging to my ex, down from the attic and we took them to the rubbish dump together.  I think he enjoyed this because he saw it as 'getting his own back'.  Anyway, it brought us closer together for a while.  My son has also agreed to spend the evening watching a film with me    Hopefully today is a step in the right direction.

I also saw some photos online today of my ex, the replacement and her family.  He looked totally out of place and uncomfortable.  They were all happy, arms around each other etc. and he was at the edge of the group looking like he was a spare part!  I actually laughed at this and at how pathetic he is.  Maybe this is a step in the right direction too?

[seeking balance]

Glad you are having a good day popcorn 

[Elpis]

Popcorn,

it sounds from your response to the facebook pictures of your ex and replacement family that you are starting to see him more realistically, with all his problems.

there's a point where i just had to say to myself, "i deserve to be treated with respect and love" and call it enough. i think you're coming into a more balanced view of the situation.

Cool for you!