Setting Boundries... And I need advice...

[Depression = 72% of members]

So,  I have ready Stop walking on Eggshells and wow it was a great book.  I am starting to set boundaries and it feels like I have detached emotionally (which I am sure he can feel), but at this point I don't know how to do it any other way.  I feel like I have been drained emotionally just surviving his emotional roller coaster the last 3 years. 

How do you stay connected emotionally to uBPDh while setting boundaries?

He is desperately trying to keep the same patterns and it is really hard.

[Happy73]

So,  I have ready Stop walking on Eggshells and wow it was a great book.  I am starting to set boundaries and it feels like I have detached emotionally (which I am sure he can feel), but at this point I don't know how to do it any other way.  I feel like I have been drained emotionally just surviving his emotional roller coaster the last 3 years. 

How do you stay connected emotionally to uBPDh while setting boundaries?

He is desperately trying to keep the same patterns and it is really hard.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[pixiecat]

Hello Happy!

The Workshops part of the forum is a fantastic resource.

There are two good ones about boundaries: here and here.

Hope that helps.

[Lilibeth]

Hi Happy73. It's a difficult path we are on, but it is walkable... . believe me. I too came to this site via Stop Walking On Eggshells. You will learn a lot from here - read the other posts and the links, and you will be able to learn the techniques that will come in handy. With time and practice, these techniques become easier. What i've learnt is that it is not a quickfix kind of thing - every day is a challenge but you will find the strength to go on, and best is that it will get better for you. Your husband will take a little time to adjust to the changes he sees in you. While it will help you, obliquely it will also help him.

[Happy73]

Thank you for the wonderful advice.  I am actually a strong person who doesn't feel less than just because uBPD is telling me so... .

With that said, I know I have pulled away emotionally and Physically... .  

Can you ever have a close emotional bond with a BPD?  Also he says that he can fell that I am distant, wants me to "fix-it".  At this point, I don't want to divorce him, but I don't want to be sucked in again.  Is it possible to be married and find an emotional middle ground?

[waverider]

An analogy here. Imagine you are caught out in a rainstorm. You get drenched. The first thing you do is find shelter and dry yourself off. However the rain is still falling and you still have to get on with whatever you have to do. Once you are dry you then select protective waterproof clothing to wear and then you head out again to get on with what you want to do, life does not stop because its raining.

BPD is that rainstorm, your boundaries are the raincoat, boots and umbrella. But thats less effective if you dont dry off first (disengaging and re examining your best approach).

You need to create that space, before you can re engage in a more effective way. This will create change and a reaction.

Think of boundaries as protective fuses. The first boundaries are usually in relation to abusive behavior. Establishing a bottom line, or installing a mains circuit breaker if you like.

[Lilibeth]

Waverider, what a wonderful way to explain this. Happy73, your pulling away is your way of creating space... . at this point, don't listen to him - concentrate on YOU and slowly things will fall into place, and you will be able to create a better emotional climate for both of you. Every relationship grows-changes-grows, and yours will too, Happy73, only thing is that you will have to steer it. And you'll find lots of support here... .

[Lilibeth]

Happy73, i want to share something i came across just now while reading a post on The asymmetry of a relationship with a pwBPD. Accepting that ours is an asymmetric kind of relationship is the most difficult thing to do. It becomes easier, though, when we use the techniques that will help us stay on an even keel.

This is what an0ught says: 'We can only control ourselves. When I heard this the first time I thought this sounds resigned. Nowadays I tend to think of this a one of the most powerful positions one can take. If we put all our focus behind ourselves we are putting 100% of our energy in the place that allows us to affect the outside world - our behavior.' Add this to what Waverider says and you will find comfort and strength... .

[Nocheering]

My wife is uBPD (I'm a newbie, I assume that means undiagnosed BPD?).  And I understand all the talk about boundaries.  But I guess in my mind, I need specifics.  What do I do when she starts raging?  Do I leave the room, leave the house?  There is no arguing with her.  I want to remain calm and not get sucked into her emotional storm.  She verbally attacks me with derogatory comments on myself, my family,  my friends and co-workers.  I guess I'm looking for specifics on what to do, how I do I verbally define my boundaries to her?

[waverider]

My wife is uBPD (I'm a newbie, I assume that means undiagnosed BPD?).  And I understand all the talk about boundaries.  But I guess in my mind, I need specifics.  What do I do when she starts raging?  Do I leave the room, leave the house?  There is no arguing with her.  I want to remain calm and not get sucked into her emotional storm.  She verbally attacks me with derogatory comments on myself, my family,  my friends and co-workers.  I guess I'm looking for specifics on what to do, how I do I verbally define my boundaries to her?

Whatever it takes to remove your exposure to it. Some can shut down their mind by disengaging, most cant. Some leave the room, but if you get followed you may have to leave the house. Whatever it is you need to preplan it. Otherwise you will leave it too late. Being prepared will see you doing something useful rather than just walking around the park uttering curses like a madman getting even mor ewound up