Gearing up to file custody mod.

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I hate doing this.  There are so many other things that I'd rather do with my hard earned money than more legal work.  Even just burning it in the fire pit would at least satisfy my inner pyro (I'm an Eagle Scout - all Boy Scouts are crazy about fire.  It's inculcated into us!)

Anyway, S9 is not in school.  uPDxw is supposedly homeschooling.  Reality is she's working a job selling tree services and taking her own arborism classes.  Yeah for her trying to personally improve herself.  What's not so great is she's lugging S9 around in her car to various job sites having him do a pittance of work at her house and a good amount of time spent in the backseat of her car, or he's sitting my office with me at work reading fiction books.  She drops him off a lot with me while she goes to a class, or to some job site.  I let her drop him off because I'd rather that than him be on some site where they're chopping down trees, or just in the back of her car.

I calc'd out the percentages, we have 50/50 custody order.  I've actually had S9 70% of overnights over the past year as I get him when she's in night class, or she has an early weekend class on Saturday. 

Met the L yesterday.  Had written out my take on case.  L basically went through it, recategorized a bunch of stuff as supporting arguments, that the change in school is the change in circumstances and everything else is basically ammo to keep out of filings and try to surprise uPDxw with during deposition/trial.  L's eyes got real big when I went through a few of my recordings.  Says I have a VERY strong case to get primary if uPDxw continues to refuse to put S9 back in school.  I believe her exact words were something like "how the f*** can your ex- be so stupid to not only do this stuff, but admit it?"  uPDxw didn't know I was recording, and her escalating narcissism has her bragging and preening for all to see with just a little nudging, so it's not hard to get good stuff for my case!

Advised me to send an email, once a week to uPDxw strongly stating that S9 needs to go back to school.  Don't threaten to file, don't get into specifics, don't give away trial arguments.

L told me her sense of things was to file, get her served, get a response, and get on a judge's calendar for a temp hearing ASAP.  Then go for temp orders for primary custody so I can put S9 back in school and get his life stabilized.  After that, have a custody eval done.  Basically it's full blown custody battle time.  Bring in a custody evaluator and let 'em have at it.  Go to final hearing, get primary custody finalized.

L also told me as soon as temp primary custody orders are issued, child support payments from me to uPDxw stop.  I even get payments from her.  Won't be much with how our state's criteria work given our respective incomes, but just stopping payments will be like hitting the lottery for me.

I asked what happens if she refuses to put him back in school, I file, she starts to realize her exposure, and THEN puts him back in school.  There's still the argument that she only did it to look better to court.  Still a history of bad decisions and still her inability to provide stability for S9 due to her erratic work schedule and class schedule.  So still a good chance to get at least all the tiebreakers in decision making turned my way, as well as primary custody.

One issue, I'm living with my fiancee.  We're not married.  L recommended we get married to make it more stable.  I'd do it in a heartbeat BUT... . fiancee is taking her own classes, and getting financial aid (FAFSA).  I have a decent income.  Once married, she has to report my income as well for FAFSA eligibility.  My income is enough to make her ineligible for aid.  We don't make the cash to add in paying her tuition on our own as well.  She doesn't graduate for another year at least, likely year and a half to two years.  (She's earned an AA, but is now starting on a bachelors).  I don't want her to quit classes either.  Also, we're doing a church group for blended families once a week, and looking into doing a professional premarital counseling course anyway even if we don't marry soon.  So L says we can mitigate not being married yet by letting those things be known to the judge and showing that married or not, we're taking things seriously enough to seek out blended family peer and professional support.

I'm feeling anxious about all this.  Main thought is who has to file a frigging court case to get their kid enrolled in school?  So tired of dealing with all this BS with uPDxw.  Can't find any other chinks she could come back at me with right now, so still feeling as confident as I guess a guy can.  Anyway, will post updates as things progress.

[Waddams]

I hate doing this.  There are so many other things that I'd rather do with my hard earned money than more legal work.  Even just burning it in the fire pit would at least satisfy my inner pyro (I'm an Eagle Scout - all Boy Scouts are crazy about fire.  It's inculcated into us!)

Anyway, S9 is not in school.  uPDxw is supposedly homeschooling.  Reality is she's working a job selling tree services and taking her own arborism classes.  Yeah for her trying to personally improve herself.  What's not so great is she's lugging S9 around in her car to various job sites having him do a pittance of work at her house and a good amount of time spent in the backseat of her car, or he's sitting my office with me at work reading fiction books.  She drops him off a lot with me while she goes to a class, or to some job site.  I let her drop him off because I'd rather that than him be on some site where they're chopping down trees, or just in the back of her car.

I calc'd out the percentages, we have 50/50 custody order.  I've actually had S9 70% of overnights over the past year as I get him when she's in night class, or she has an early weekend class on Saturday. 

Met the L yesterday.  Had written out my take on case.  L basically went through it, recategorized a bunch of stuff as supporting arguments, that the change in school is the change in circumstances and everything else is basically ammo to keep out of filings and try to surprise uPDxw with during deposition/trial.  L's eyes got real big when I went through a few of my recordings.  Says I have a VERY strong case to get primary if uPDxw continues to refuse to put S9 back in school.  I believe her exact words were something like "how the f*** can your ex- be so stupid to not only do this stuff, but admit it?"  uPDxw didn't know I was recording, and her escalating narcissism has her bragging and preening for all to see with just a little nudging, so it's not hard to get good stuff for my case!

Advised me to send an email, once a week to uPDxw strongly stating that S9 needs to go back to school.  Don't threaten to file, don't get into specifics, don't give away trial arguments.

L told me her sense of things was to file, get her served, get a response, and get on a judge's calendar for a temp hearing ASAP.  Then go for temp orders for primary custody so I can put S9 back in school and get his life stabilized.  After that, have a custody eval done.  Basically it's full blown custody battle time.  Bring in a custody evaluator and let 'em have at it.  Go to final hearing, get primary custody finalized.

L also told me as soon as temp primary custody orders are issued, child support payments from me to uPDxw stop.  I even get payments from her.  Won't be much with how our state's criteria work given our respective incomes, but just stopping payments will be like hitting the lottery for me.

I asked what happens if she refuses to put him back in school, I file, she starts to realize her exposure, and THEN puts him back in school.  There's still the argument that she only did it to look better to court.  Still a history of bad decisions and still her inability to provide stability for S9 due to her erratic work schedule and class schedule.  So still a good chance to get at least all the tiebreakers in decision making turned my way, as well as primary custody.

One issue, I'm living with my fiancee.  We're not married.  L recommended we get married to make it more stable.  I'd do it in a heartbeat BUT... . fiancee is taking her own classes, and getting financial aid (FAFSA).  I have a decent income.  Once married, she has to report my income as well for FAFSA eligibility.  My income is enough to make her ineligible for aid.  We don't make the cash to add in paying her tuition on our own as well.  She doesn't graduate for another year at least, likely year and a half to two years.  (She's earned an AA, but is now starting on a bachelors).  I don't want her to quit classes either.  Also, we're doing a church group for blended families once a week, and looking into doing a professional premarital counseling course anyway even if we don't marry soon.  So L says we can mitigate not being married yet by letting those things be known to the judge and showing that married or not, we're taking things seriously enough to seek out blended family peer and professional support.

I'm feeling anxious about all this.  Main thought is who has to file a frigging court case to get their kid enrolled in school?  So tired of dealing with all this BS with uPDxw.  Can't find any other chinks she could come back at me with right now, so still feeling as confident as I guess a guy can.  Anyway, will post updates as things progress.

[Matt]

Main thought is who has to file a frigging court case to get their kid enrolled in school?

Somebody who had a baby with a person who has BPD.

But I think you are thinking very well about this stuff and looking at all the aspects.  Stay focused on doing what you believe is right for your son, and bringing relevant information to the court, and I don't think you have anything to lose.

[ForeverDad]

Control, Entitlement and Isolation are major tactics of acting-out PDs.  What better way to have even more control over the child than to home school?  (Apparently your ex isn't doing it to that extent, but some have.  I recall 95685dad said his older daughter was home schooled so she could also babysit her baby half-sister.  Eventually, the uHPDex turned the daughter against her father.)  That's why I'm very cautious about home schooling in general, while it can be wonderful for healthy families, it will fail miserably if a disordered person is in charge.  Another factor, even if the school work gets done, the children miss out on the extensive socializing with others, both adults and children.

How is your son doing in homeschooling?  As parent you have a right to progress reports, etc.

My lawyer filed for majority time and recalculation of child support.  The court did nothing until 17 months later after all the continuances, pre-trials and finally the 2 day trial.  So if you can get a temporary order first and get your son back in school, go for it.

My lawyer kept the CS aspect low key, he didn't want it to appear that I was filing just to avoid paying it.  So it was just sort of tacked on as almost an afterthought.  However, magistrate ruled that since the financials weren't submitted, then she was not being ordered to pay CS.  Hmm, what a change, I was ordered to pay child support in the past and my ex never submitted her earnings.  Only now did that issue get raised.  Small wonder.

[david]

Will she change her tactics ?

My ex has majority of time with kids (S15 and S10 now) during school year. I tried many times 4 and 3 years ago to discuss school work , etc with her. Got nowhere. Last year I tried and also copied every homework the boys had done. I discovered they were doing over 92% of their homework with me. Half of what she signed off on was grossly incorrect. It was third grade work and ex is a registered nurse (ie college graduate). I saved the money needed for an atty and decided to file a petition to modify custody. That was last August. The petition clearly states my reason: I do the majority of homework with the boys. Of course, ex has used many legal stalling tactics and we still haven't been in front of a judge. This school year started in Sept and it is now Feb. Ex still hasn't done much with either boy and their homework. I have copies of everything and yes she still gets things extremely incorrect. Several made my atty laugh out loud because they were so out there.

S10 has learned to just write what ex says to avoid punishment from ex for being disrespectful. When he gets sick he says little to his mom (a nurse) and will call me to ask what he should do.

[Waddams]

Control, Entitlement and Isolation are major tactics of acting-out PDs.  What better way to have even more control over the child than to home school?

There is an element of this for uPDxw.  It's not super strong, and nothing I plan to raise to the court right now.  However, she does feel a need to try to have S9 right under her thumb.  She got ugly with me a few months ago when I refused to give her fiancee's and fiancee's kid's cell numbers.  She felt she should be able to call any number to try to contact S9 at any time.  Ostensibly for safety.  I didn't respond when she got ugly other than to say when S9 is with me the things she was complaining about weren't up to her.  Then walked away.  

When we first split up, S9 was only 4, and I used to get asked questions like ":)addy are you a drunk?  :)addy are you mean?"  I know where that came from.  Was able to pretty effectively curb that though.  When S9 was dx'd with Asbergers and ADHD, the T noted in the report that S9 was unusually attached and close to me and there was something that was not quite right between son and his mom.  I have this in writing from a Ph.D.

Things have been relatively calm for a while, but that's because I keep very tight boundaries with her.  When she thinks she sees a crack in a boundary however, she never fails to try to hit it.

How is your son doing in homeschooling?  As parent you have a right to progress reports, etc.

There would have to be work done to base a progress report on.  There's nothing.  I've got her on audio recording admitting and even bragging that she is doing "unschooling" and basically just letting him learn via his everyday experiences and field trips with a home school club, and not doing any kind of formal work.  The field trips seem mainly to be playing on a playground at a local park.  In other words, where the SAHM's meet up for recess.

I took S9 to a private education tutoring center for an evaluation.  I did this without informing uPDxw because I didn't want her to interfere.  S9 couldn't do the test.  He couldn't finish enough of it to get a good read on his academic progress.  I invited uPDxw to the review conference.  I have the conference audio recorded, as well as the report and recommendations they gave me.  All kinds of good stuff in it.  What's awesome is at the end of 3rd grade, S9 had to do a state mandated test for home schoolers.  He did this at home with his mom.  His score was like a 99%.  It turns out it was the EXACT same test as what this education center gave him.  I wanted a true measure of what S9 could do on his own, without his mother hovering and doing it for him.  I think the discrepancy in performance shows a lot.

The education center has a private tutoring program for kids with ADHD.  It coaches and trains them to better stay on task, pay attention, etc.  We've done OT/PT/Interactive metronome/etc. and other T based interventions, and saw improvement, but I think we've gotten out of it what we're going to.  I want to put him in the tutoring program, but unless he's in school for real, one hour of having to work for real vs. the rest of the week of goofing off is just not going to have any impact.

Will she change her tactics ?

I don't know.  I don't think she's smart enough to figure this all out until it's too late.  I used to think differently, but I've slowly come round to the conclusion she's just dumb.  L knows it too, and wants to set this up to play on her entitlement and narcissism.  uPDxw is begging to show the world how awesome she is.  I think she's going to escalate further into projecting her super home school mom image, dig her heels in that she's not doing anything wrong, that she's miss know it all about everything, I'm a fool, and she'll want to proudly proclaim it to the court.  Otherwise, she'd have to admit I'm right and she's wrong about this whole issue, and she just isn't going to do that.

We're going to put in the filing just about the child not being school and nothing else.  Everything else, the actual parenting time, the arguments about schedule chaos, my text and audio records, it's going to be saved for when we can spring it on her.  I've got texts of her asking to drop S9 with me at work because she thinks it's better for him to be at the office with me than on a job site with her (maybe because it's cold, rainy, etc., but who cares the particulars?)  Well, that's her admitting in writing that he's better off not with her on job sites.  She's going to start keeping him with her more, and keeping him away from me on her time more after getting served.  Then she's gonna have to justify to a judge why she is admitting it's better for him to not be with her, and yet after getting served, keeping him with her in those situations.

And I'll admit I've been working with my T and reading this board, using that knowledge in how to basically set uPDxw up for this case.  L's eyes were really big when I was going through how I got her to admit what she has either on recordings or in writing, and then showing L the documentation.  L said I had it set up almost as perfect as one can do it.

The only chink in my armor is not being married to fiancee yet, but I think we've got some compelling mitigating arguments to deal with that.  Fiancee's financial situation with her own school, as well as the support things we're doing together I think show how serious we are about making this work.  Also, the house we live in, it's rented, but my name only on the lease.  So to a judge, if there's a breakup, I can say I stay in the same place, S9 stays in the same school.  

So if uPDxw changes how she's been dropping S9 off after she's served, she's got to explain later why she did that when I've got her in writing on many occasions saying how it was better for S9 to be with me prior.  

[david]

My ex first ran away in 2007. The boys were 4.5 and 8.5 at that time. She had control of them back then. I read Divorce Poison, found a T for myself, found this site, and stayed focused on our kids needs. Around the time our oldest turned 10 I noticed him questioning things. He eventually figured out I wasn't the drunk, abusive, lying, cheating sob she claimed me to be. Whe he was younger he was the golden child. When he questioned her he became the disrespectful one. Our youngest is now 10 and I see a similar behavior of questioning. My ex doesn't handle independent thinking very well. Her actions are pushing the boys further away from her and she doesn't see it because, I believe, she can't. I know if I tried to talk to her   about it she would attack me and then punish the boys.

[ForeverDad]

In order to change custody I had to file Change of Circumstances.  It took over 7 months just to get a decision that there had been a change of circumstances.  A Guardian ad Litem (GAL) was assigned.  It took about 10 months to reach a settlement as outlined by the GAL.  It could have taken longer if either one of us refused to settle.  Nothing changed during those 17 months.

Since your son is currently not in school, I think part of your filing has to include a motion (perhaps a separate one?) for the court to order your son to be enrolled back in school promptly, it can't wait a year or longer for the custody issue to be resolved.  I feel you should ask for temporary custody while the case is ongoing.

[Matt]

Yeah, it seems appropriate to emphasize the urgency of the school issue.

A child who falls behind might struggle for years to catch up.

[Waddams]

yeah, L is putting in the rule nisi request for the temp hearing in the initial paperwork.  we're requesting a temp hearing for temp orders to award me temp primary custody and decision making so i can stabilize his routine and put him back in school.

the change in circumstances is mom pulling him out of school.

[david]

I agree, you should be able to speed the process along to get him back in school. They call it an emergency hearing in these parts and it usually gets looked at within a week. If you have evidence showing child not keeping pace to where he should be and he has no learning disabilities you should be fine. Make sure you have overwhelming prook. It sounds like you do. Just make sure it is all there and make a page or two that gives all the facts. If ex turns around and claims he has a learning disability you can argue that he needs to be in a school where there are trained professionals that can deal with learning disabilities. Get the info on that beforehand to cover that.

My ex claimed our youngest had a learning disabilty. They tested him and found inconclusive results. She insisted he be given an IEP. Two years later, with a lot of help from me, he was retested and scored very high. His IEP was dropped and he was put in an accelerated program. He flourished. I stayed focused on him and it payed. I also noticed he realized who was helping him and who was not. My ex is a nurse and when S10 gets sick he will call me from his mom's and talk to me about it.

[Waddams]

If ex turns around and claims he has a learning disability you can argue that he needs to be in a school where there are trained professionals that can deal with learning disabilities. Get the info on that beforehand to cover that.

already got it.  and can make the point that he needs to be in school because he has the ADHD dx and she is unable to adequately help him with it.  she doesnt' have the training/background.  she's basically unfit to home school him.

[david]

Sounds like you have a good plan and should be okay in court.

My ex registered our youngest in kindergarten 6 years ago. I found out at a conference before court. I tried to explain I didn't think he was ready and that it would be better if he went into a pre k program. The court ruled that since mom was resindential parent and he was technically old enough he would go to kindergarten. Well he floundered and repeated. He did fine the second time around. However, I was concerned he viewed himself as stupid. Ex then insisted he be tested. He was the second half of the second year of kindergarten. No conclusive results but ex insisted and they gave him an IEP. I was furious and let the school know what I thought. I realized they now viewed me as the problem. I am a school teacher. I decided to stay the course and didn't really care what they thought. They didn't like me that much back then. He was given an IEP with a reading disability even though he tested extremely high on math word problems ? I pointed that out and they agreed that seemed unusual.

He went to first grade and did fine. Went to second grade and he did fine. His teacher heard what I was saying. FINALLY. She tested him in class and found he did not have a reading disability. We had a meeting. I suggested he be tested again with all the same tests he had before but at his new age. It took 6 weeks. The results came back that he was average or above average in everything except math, logic , and chemistry. In those he tested in the top 1% of the nation. They decided to put him in their accelerated program starting in third grade and renmoved his IEP. Mom objected but by then many in the school "got it". He flourished in third grade. He is now in fourth and doing extremely well. He does over 90% of his school work when he is wioth me even though mom has majority of time during the school year. I am currently going back to court to resolve this issue. I have the last two years of every homework he has done.

Like many here say it's a marathon and not a sprint.

[david]

Also, since he has an ADHD dx make sure you understand what things need to be done to help him. Get as fluent as you can. Talk to professionals and read up on it. Make sure the judge hears you and his mom.

[Matt]

Also, since he has an ADHD dx make sure you understand what things need to be done to help him. Get as fluent as you can. Talk to professionals and read up on it. Make sure the judge hears you and his mom.

Really good point.  If you're using the right terms, and showing you care enough to have done your homework, that will earn you a lot of credibility, and the right to ask tough questions that maybe your ex can't answer... .

[Waddams]

Also, since he has an ADHD dx make sure you understand what things need to be done to help him. Get as fluent as you can. Talk to professionals and read up on it. Make sure the judge hears you and his mom.

Really good point.  If you're using the right terms, and showing you care enough to have done your homework, that will earn you a lot of credibility, and the right to ask tough questions that maybe your ex can't answer... .

I've kept in touch with the T that made the dx.  I also have the reports he gave me.  Had a few one on one sessions with the guy.  I intend to point out that when we went through the teacher, mom, and dad questionaires, dad and teacher fell in line with the T's testing results.  Mom was an outlier.  Then point out also in the report that the T specifically recommended therapeutic intervention between S9 and his mom to address issues that weren't specified.  And ask mom if she's taken any action to address it, or even discussed it all with the T.

I can go through the report recommendations and talk about what we've done, what he haven't done yet, and what I intend to do about it.  I'm going to encourage my L to put uPDxw on the stand and grill her on what she's doing for treating S9.  Then play the recording from the testing center conference as well.  Make her look like an idiot.  Then get me up there, and go through the report recommendations and say we've done this... . I want to move to this next one here.

I sent uPDxw an email saying I'm concerned about S9 and think he should go back in school two days ago.  No response.  I'll give it another day or two, then send another.  At some point, I'll try to get on recording trying to talk to her about it.  I'm pretty sure she'll just shut it down and refuse to discuss it. 

At that point, pay the retainer for filing the motion and turn the L loose.

[Matt]

I can go through the report recommendations and talk about what we've done, what he haven't done yet, and what I intend to do about it.  I'm going to encourage my L to put uPDxw on the stand and grill her on what she's doing for treating S9.  Then play the recording from the testing center conference as well.  Make her look like an idiot.  Then get me up there, and go through the report recommendations and say we've done this... . I want to move to this next one here.

This sounds like a really good strategy to me - use the report as the basis for your case - "My objective is to follow through on the recommendations in the report, and to do that I need this ruling from the court."  A practical plan, aimed at helping your son, not hurting your ex.

What about writing that as a proposal to your wife - in a very careful e-mail - propose exactly how you will do this, and ask her to cooperate by shifting custody to you for the next few years, so you can achieve this for your son?

If she agrees, great, you have your lawyer write it up, you both sign it, and you submit it to the court to be approved.

More likely, she won't agree, but won't have any good reason why not.  And that will show the court that you are trying to solve this problem but it can't be solved as long as she has primary custody.

[Waddams]

What about writing that as a proposal to your wife - in a very careful e-mail - propose exactly how you will do this, and ask her to cooperate by shifting custody to you for the next few years, so you can achieve this for your son?

Perhaps.  I'll see how she reacts to enrolling him back in school first.  There was no request for any kind of adjustment of court paperwork.  No mention of lawyers.  Just "I think he needs to go back to school".  I think her reaction will be dismissive, and get angry when I try to talk about it.  Try to inspire fear to make me go away by getting angry at me.  Typical FOG'ing behavior.

If I'm wrong and she agrees to put him back in school, I can explore more, but I don't think I'll approach her with more right now.

[Waddams]

Only response to email from uPDxw is that she got the email but does't have time to respond due to her classes' time demands.  Going to send something else probably tomorrow morning if no response received insisting she make time to discuss/respond.  After all, S9 is supposed to have some priority as well.  She can't just ignore the issues because she doesn't have time indefinitely.  Of course, if she does, does that give me that argument she's putting other needs ahead of S9's and therefore not putting his best interest as an important priority?

[Matt]

Here's the approach I've found to work - not saying it will work for you... .

I write each e-mail in terms of what I will do.  Sometimes some background information if it's needed, and then the simplest possible description of exactly what I plan to do when.  "I will pick up the kids at noon Saturday and take them to the concert.  I will pay for their tickets, pick them up after the concert, and take them home, then back to you next Saturday at noon." or whatever.

Phrasing it this way takes away my ex's passive-aggressive approach, because if she doesn't respond, I just follow through and do what I said I would do.  (I usually talk with the kids in advance so they are on board the plan.)  If she responds, it's usually just "OK", or sometimes she has a good reason why my plan won't work for her, and I need to adjust.

What I want to do is take away from her the option to make problems by doing nothing - not responding.  But it's also fair to her to give her the option to object to my plan if there is a good reason, from her point of view.  Phrasing the e-mail as a description of what I will do usually does this - gives her a chance to object but not to road-block by not responding.

[Waddams]

I've done that too, Matt, but in this case I can't just enroll him in school without her agreement.  She's got decision making over education issues. 

Doesn't that statement above sound dumb though... . not being able to enroll him school?  Up with which we put when dealing with these yahoos.

[ForeverDad]

Going to send something else probably tomorrow morning if no response received insisting she make time to discuss/respond.

You can't make her do anything.  Insisting won't lead to a real change.  Of course you know that and I don't think you will use the word 'insist' with her but I'm wondering if there isn't some way to fulfill the law's requirement (1) without giving her an opportunity to claim you're controlling or harassing and (2) proving you've done your due diligence and have basis to head to court that she can't reasonably contest.

Let's see, son should be in fourth grade?  How long ago did she take him out of school?  How much schooling has he missed?  If it's anywhere close to a year, then it's like she just flunked him a year or held him back for a year.  Phrased that way I doubt a judge would be happy to hear that.  Outraged should be more like it.

[Matt]

What would happen if you sent her an e-mail:  "Son needs to be enrolled in school by next Wednesday March 5.  I will do that on Monday."

Then if she doesn't respond, and you go ahead and enroll him... . ?

Last week I took my S15 to get his drivers permit.  The form to be filled out asked for a signature from his "married parent" or "sole guardian", or if we checked the box that said ":)ivorced parents with shared custody" then it required two signatures.  I checked the box "Sole guardian", so we didn't need to get his mom's signature.  The DMV didn't challenge that - she knew I was taking him to get his permit - nobody was harmed in any way - and I didn't have to drive all over town trying to get her signature on a document, and then go back to the DMV and wait in line again.  Probably saved at least two hours of my time, and possibly more, if she had gone into passive-aggressive mode.

Similarly, if the court paperwork says that, theoretically, you should have both signatures to sign him up for school, but if you go ahead with just yours - and if you have informed her in writing of what you will be doing - maybe that would work.  (I never got her signature when I enrolled them in their current school, for that matter.)

[ForeverDad]

He's waited this long, better to do it through the courts rather than overstepping his authority.  Remember too, this is part of the reason he has basis to return to court for more parental time and responsibility.  If he gets his son back in school sooner, that's good but his case for seeking custody might then be weaker.  Also, I don't know what difference a few weeks or a couple months sooner would make.  He needs to do it right and by the book.

My worry, my experience, is that the professionals will try to push for a settlement deal that fixes the schooling and leaves the rest as is.  Like putting a patch on an old wineskin, patching the biggest leak doesn't really resolve the overall issue.

[Waddams]

S9 has been out of school for one year.  He was pulled out in February of last year.

My worry, my experience, is that the professionals will try to push for a settlement deal that fixes the schooling and leaves the rest as is.  Like putting a patch on an old wineskin, patching the biggest leak doesn't really resolve the overall issue.

That's why I've got such a detailed account put together showing how much time he's spent at my house and that his mother is literally not able to exercise her parenting time.  I have to be awarded majority parenting time or S9's chaotic schedule cannot be fixed.

Edited to add - Between selling tree services and her classes, she can't find time to make it to a soccer practice or even respond to an email about him.  Given those kind of time demands, how is she supposed to find time for homework, and everything else that goes with real parenting?

[david]

Is there some kind of tests that homeschooled kids have to take and pass ? If so, have it done at a school or some authority recognized by the courts. If he is behind and professionals have tested him the courts may listen.

I am a school teacher and the courts would not listen to me about anything dealing with the kids education. I think they looked at it as a bias. I had the IEP team and several adminstrators "get it" after they had enough interactions with ex. Eventually all meetings were done with the school and me. We then formulated a plan that the school would execute without my input.   As long as ex believes I am not involved everything works smoothly.

[Waddams]

Had S9 last night (it's his mom's week though).  Seems she couldn't stay for soccer practice last night so I got him for the night after practice was over.  Things like this are a regular occurrence.  She can't see to his needs because other things are more important to her.  Not that I'm all that broken up about it as I like having him with me.  But i'm documenting it as just another instance of this happening.

Is there some kind of tests that homeschooled kids have to take and pass ?

In my state, the only thing they have to do is pass a state standardized test every 3 years.  Beyond that, there's nothing.  And they can log in from home and take the test with no state supervision.  S9 did his at the end of 3rd grade last year.  His mom told me she let him do the test over a period of days with him doing a bit then going and doing something else.  His score was very high once he finished it.  He had been in the Talented and Gifted program in school and was an A student prior.  To be honest, I suspect mom "helped" him get the score though.  I took him to a private tutoring center and had him do the same test under timed conditions, and he could only finish 15-20% of each section.

Last night after we got home from soccer practice and were having dinner, S9 says to me ":)addy, mommy says you want to put me back in public school."  Keep in mind she hasn't said a word to me in response to the email I sent her.  So she'll discuss it with S9, but not me.  I didn't ask him what she said, I just told him that was between me and his mother and he didn't need to be in the middle of that conversation.  Feeling pretty disgusted with her right now and it's hard to not call the L and tell her to file today.  Trying to hold out until I can send another message or two.

I am going to send an email to her that basically states what S9 told me and tell her I don't think discussing it with him is proper when her and I haven't discussed it yet, and I think he's better off not being in the middle.

[ForeverDad]

I am going to send an email to her that basically states what S9 told me and tell her I don't think discussing it with him is proper when her and I haven't discussed it yet, and I think he's better off not being in the middle.

This could become a blamefest, I'd get the okay from your lawyer first.  Remember, you can't reason with her, anything you send is interpreted through her veil of emotional perceptions.  Not saying you can't or shouldn't, just be sure your lawyer is kept in sync.

Also, right now your son feels free to talk with you.  (In a way he is a source.)  If you tell her not to talk to him about these adult issues the likely result is she'll keep telling him but pressure him not to tell you anything.

[Waddams]

This could become a blamefest, I'd get the okay from your lawyer first.  Remember, you can't reason with her, anything you send is interpreted through her veil of emotional perceptions.  Not saying you can't or shouldn't, just be sure your lawyer is kept in sync.

Also, right now your son feels free to talk with you.  (In a way he is a source.)  If you tell her not to talk to him about these adult issues the likely result is she'll keep telling him but pressure him not to tell you anything.

That's a good point.  I'll do a detailed journal entry on it and leave it at that.  It can become the subject of deposition or even a trial surprise.

[david]

When S9 asked that question perhaps you could ask him his thoughts. Yes, he is only nine but he may actually want to go to school. He is missing out on socialization which he had in the past. Having recess with his friends helps in his education.

I would stay away from discussing this with ex. The fact that S9 brought it up to you does show she is discussing things with him. He may even have wanted to talk to you about it but is hesitant. My ex punishes the kids in many different ways when they don't just go along with what she says. My T helped me with having our kids trust me so they could talk to me about what was on their mind without the fear of punishment. It took our oldest about 8 or 9 months to open up. He was about 10 at the time. Our youngest (he was about 6 at the time) took much longer.

If the state requires a test every three years and you suspect she helped him with the test last year than have him take that test again at an independent, court recognized place that follows all the state rules. That will go a long way in helping the court see what is really going on. You also need an atty that understands the rules. If you have a good atty and he/she doesn't understand the education rules than you need to educate him/her.

[Waddams]

If the state requires a test every three years and you suspect she helped him with the test last year than have him take that test again at an independent, court recognized place that follows all the state rules. That will go a long way in helping the court see what is really going on.

Already done it.  And I have a written report AND secretly recorded the follow up conference between the testing service representative, myself, and uPDxw.

You also need an atty that understands the rules. If you have a good atty and he/she doesn't understand the education rules than you need to educate him/her.

My L understands it all.  She's one of the top family law L's in the state.   When I went in for the initial consult about all this, she went through a list of questions very similar to what we are doing here, and I was able to answer each w/ more than just verbal, but also put documentation in the form of texts, journals/calendars with details noted of relevant info., recordings, etc.  She was pretty much in awe that I'd had the foresight to set this up like I have. 

I'd also written up a draft motion to file.  I did it to make myself go through and organize my thoughts and what I thought the pertinent facts were.  She tore it to shreds, but it was really she didn't want to put all the facts into the motion we file, but instead make the motion very short about just saying the change in circumstances was about school.  Leave everything else out, and use it as evidence supporting the one point about school during the case.  She did tell me everything in it was relevant, just wanted to reorganize the information and not put it in the filing so as to not give away our arguments to the other side too easy.

I'm comfortable with where I'm at.  I think I've got as strong a shot at success as anyone can at this point.