The "Never Enough" Cycle

[Lucky Jim]

Friends,

In my marriage to a pwBPD, I was like a horse caught between a carrot and a stick.  I could never quite reach the carrot, which my BPDxW kept extending beyond my reach.  The carrot was like a mirage on a distant horizon.  Whatever I did, it was "never enough" for my pwBPD.  In the meantime, I was getting my backside whipped with a stick, through verbal or physical abuse.  Yet for years I remained in the harness out of a sense of duty, or loyalty, to our kids, until there was nothing left in the tank, so-to-speak, and we ultimately divorced.

Have others found themselves in a similar cycle with a pwBPD?

Lucky Jim

[NyGirl8]

Sounds very, very, very familiar.  Except no physical abuse and I would say around year 4 through year 9, I believed it was somehow my fault I couldn't get the carrot and thus deserved the stick .  Thank goodness for:

nothing left in the tank

Cycles, cycles, cycles... . may they end for you and your dizziness slowly fades

[myself]

I've been bitter all day today thinking about how this played out in my r/s. All the hoops and promises. Doing everything I could and should. Being told the reward was right there waiting. But she still went away, and I finally had to say please don't come back. No more recycling, we either do this or we don't. A co-worker asked me this evening what was wrong, I didn't look myself. I said I feel bitter and usually don't, I'm trying to figure out how to process it. It's very disappointing to have put my heart into something so much and have it just go up in smoke because the other person wasn't honest.

[coastalfog1]

I said I feel bitter and usually don't, I'm trying to figure out how to process it. It's very disappointing to have put my heart into something so much and have it just go up in smoke because the other person wasn't honest.

This is the one thing I really struggle with, it hurts to know I gave my honest self and was rewarded with nothing but lies.

[heartandwhole]

That "never enough" syndrome is familiar to me, and it's exhausting and painful.  I wish I didn't feel compelled to work so hard, I wish I could have trusted that I was loved just for being me, not for jumping through hoops and doing the "right" thing.

Sad, but makes me angry, too.

What are your feelings around this these days, Lucky Jim?

[LA4610]

yes, i was in that exact same cycle. your analogy is absolutely perfect.

[Lucky Jim]

Well, in general I have a positive outlook and am good at finding solutions, so I was operating under the assumption that things would get better and that I could "figure out" the mysteries of BPD, neither of which proved true.  As a result, I endured a long ordeal with a pwBPD which never played out as I had hoped.  Also, I honestly believed that I was a stabilizing influence for our children, to counterbalance the rages and rampages of my BPDxW.

It was painful and exhausting, as you note heartandwhole, and I jumped through a lot of hoops.  Now I can see that much of it was futile, but like you I felt compelled to work hard, which is what I have always done, so in that sense I was naive and easily manipulated by a pwBPD.

I used to feel angry about it, but now it's mostly sadness.  I tried as hard as I could and still failed, which is the sad reality for many in a r/s with a pwBPD.  I have come to understand that my r/s with my BPDxW was not built to last, which I'm afraid is true for most in a PBD r/s.

Lucky Jim

[heartandwhole]

  I tried as hard as I could and still failed, which is the sad reality for many in a r/s with a pwBPD. 

What did you fail at?  Why were we so compelled to "work" and was it "helping" the relationship at all? 

[Lucky Jim]

h&w,

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I put a tremendous amount of effort into a marriage to a pwBPD that didn't work out for us.  No, I didn't fail; rather, the marriage broke down despite my best efforts.

Your question is well taken and I'm not so sure that all my "work" was beneficial.  Hard to say, but I felt compelled to try everything before giving up, out of loyalty to my kids.  No, in retrospect, I can't say that it "helped" that much, which is one reason why BPD is so enervating.

Why do you think you were so compelled to "work" so hard?

Lucky Jim

[Turkish]

Friends,

In my marriage to a pwBPD, I was like a horse caught between a carrot and a stick.  I could never quite reach the carrot, which my BPDxW kept extending beyond my reach.  The carrot was like a mirage on a distant horizon.  Whatever I did, it was "never enough" for my pwBPD.  In the meantime, I was getting my backside whipped with a stick, through verbal or physical abuse.  Yet for years I remained in the harness out of a sense of duty, or loyalty, to our kids, until there was nothing left in the tank, so-to-speak, and we ultimately divorced.

Have others found themselves in a similar cycle with a pwBPD?

Lucky Jim

I could write that myself, LJ, except for the physical abuse (she only smacked me once). Not married, but together 6 years with two little kids. Like it was never enough, then she pointed out little tiny things, said I never "took care" of her properly the way she wanted, that I lacked character, and I "failed."

What I failed at was respecting myself in putting up with all of that for so long.

[heartandwhole]

Why do you think you were so compelled to "work" so hard?

Hi LuckyJim,

I'm like you, a person who doesn't give up easily, who gives it my all, tries my best.  I "worked at it" out of love, (I thought) but I also was trying to get what I needed by giving what he needed.  I was scrambling to keep the fantasy that we created together.  There's a big part of codependency that is about control, and it's difficult for me to look at it.  It wasn't overt, it was my desperate attempt to get something by giving something.  It's what I learned to do in childhood, but that doesn't make it any easier to own now.

Yes, it was my own maladaptive coping strategy, and it was unconscious, etc... . but so was his.  The failure of the relationship was not due to BPD.  Sure, to the outside, my behavior looked reasonable and understanding of his, but on the inside, I was using my own extreme unhealthy coping mechanisms, just like him.  Only mine are sanctioned by society, and his are harshly judged.  

He broke up with me several times?  I abandoned myself every day, every hour.  It was all about him?  Yes, I made it all about him.  His love for me was all tangled up with need, maybe it wasn't real?  Yep, I can see that in my behavior, too.

LJ, your situation was very different from mine, much more involved and difficult, and I understand the loyalty to your kids, and think I would have done the same as you.  Your post got me thinking about why "never enough" is a call to us to work harder, instead of a message to give the responsibility for happiness back to our partners, where it belongs.  None of what I've written is expressly directed at you, but I thank you for letting me explore this through your post and your question.  

[Allmessedup]

I'm like you, a person who doesn't give up easily, who gives it my all, tries my best.  I "worked at it" out of love, (I thought) but I also was trying to get what I needed by giving what he needed.  I was scrambling to keep the fantasy that we created together.  There's a big part of codependency that is about control, and it's difficult for me to look at it.  It wasn't overt, it was my desperate attempt to get something by giving something.  It's what I learned to do in childhood, but that doesn't make it any easier to own now.

Yes, it was my own maladaptive coping strategy, and it was unconscious, etc... . but so was his.  The failure of the relationship was not due to BPD.  Sure, to the outside, my behavior looked reasonable and understanding of his, but on the inside, I was using my own extreme unhealthy coping mechanisms, just like him.  Only mine are sanctioned by society, and his are harshly judged.  

He broke up with me several times?  I abandoned myself every day, every hour.  It was all about him?  Yes, I made it all about him.  His love for me was all tangled up with need, maybe it wasn't real?  Yep, I can see that in my behavior, too.

This is exactly it for me too!  Thank u for putting it so eloquently!

[Lucky Jim]

Your post got me thinking about why "never enough" is a call to us to work harder, instead of a message to give the responsibility for happiness back to our partners, where it belongs. 

Well said, heartandwhole.  Taking responsibility for someone else's happiness is akin to carrying their pain, neither of which is healthy for us Nons, yet it's a common scenario when one's SO is a pwBPD.

LJ

[expos]

They are the biggest hypocrites.

They get miserable when others to do well and have terrible envy, but expect people to kiss their ___ when they do something of note. 

They brow beat about the dumbest things, and when you decide to state your case or even defend yourself, it’s a complete meltdown

They follow the 80/20 rule.  80 percent of their life can be perfect, but the focus on the 20 percent that isn’t good and use that against you.  Newflash, NOBODY’S life is perfect!