My feelings versus his interpretation

[Lilibeth]

Waverider, i have a couple of doubts. Would you clear them for me please? Whenever i tell my husband that we are different people and have our own feelings, he hits back with 'this is not what i had in mind when we got married' (26 years ago). He says that instead of growing the same way, i have grown differently (and now he sees more change in me). When i try to tell him that i am a different person, he says i am arrogant and selfish and have a big ego. Waverider, he turns every single conversation back to him - even the mildest thing or the most impersonal thing suddenly becomes all about him - but when i try to tell him that this is my feeling, then i am the worst possible egoistic person ever. And the next sentence is 'i can't have anything to do with you.' Believe me, Waverider, i am not arrogant... . and this hurts. He says he does this for my good - so that i will learn. Also, when he criticizes me, he does so in such a way that there is very little self left in me - and i feel this wave of total rejection, and as if i'm drowning, gasping for air. He does this in front of my daughter too, and if she objects he comes up with 'mummy doesn't know what is good for her. i am protecting her.'

I am on the part of SWOE which deals with 'communicate your limits.'

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[waverider]

You are learning and starting to believe in your own reality. You know this is good in the long run. The problem is you are trying to sell your reality to him. You cannot do this, it is received as threat to his status quo, and he wants to drag you back to his reality.

Your reality is your business, you are learning this primarily for your own benefit. Hopefully, eventually it will benefit him in the long run., but do not expect him to see this now.

You think this is what I believe and i know i am doing right by me, he reacts >> 'You do not now whats right wrong, green, purple, up down, my shoe size, what times the next bus, i think the moon is made of cheese,nah nah nah, mummy I like red lies and if you dont agree i will hold my breath until I turn blue".

It's all just desperate nonsense, you just disengage and carry on knowing you have a secret. That secret is that you now know and believe in yourself more today than you did a month ago, and you are learning fast and you will be better in a month than today. You have proved you are never to old to learn... how good is that? In the meantime he is still gibbering away with the same old nonsense regardless. You are learning to dance to your own tune not that one, even if you can't stop it playing in the background.

Learn to zone out from distractions

[waverider]

You dont have to feel superior, just more confidence in yourself as a whole person

[Lilibeth]

Waverider, your words have given me new hope and more determination to go on, and i will. Thank you so much. Waverider, yes, i am starting to believe in my own reality. But sometimes i fall off the track. Would you have any questions that i can ask myself if i am on my 'reality' course or any link that you could direct me to which will help me with this so that i can get back?

[waverider]

Waverider, your words have given me new hope and more determination to go on, and i will. Thank you so much. Waverider, yes, i am starting to believe in my own reality. But sometimes i fall off the track. Would you have any questions that i can ask myself if i am on my 'reality' course or any link that you could direct me to which will help me with this so that i can get back?

Ask yourself "Am I proud of being me and what I do, or am I making excuses to avoid admitting that I am not proud to be me?"

Your answer should be you are proud of being you and you are not making excuses to avoid a negative truth.

This is not about getting things right, or not making mistakes, it is about doing your best in an honourable way.

[Lilibeth]

Thank you Waverider. Thank you so much. This has cleared my mind. Thank you especially for the line: 'This is not about getting things right, or not making mistakes, it is about doing your best in an honourable way.' I have been so desperately afraid of making mistakes, Waverider, cos the fall-outs were ghastly and terrible. Making a mistake in the grammatical construction of my sentence, or not quoting facts verbatim, or saying what i felt, have got him to crush me and reject what i say and what i am all about and this used to make me question my own intelligence and thinking... . Now, this has given me a new take... . i do not need to be scared.

[waverider]

Success is not about getting anyone else to accept the way you feel or act, it is about being proud of the way you feel and act, even if the outcome is disastrous.

Do not shame yourself, there is already one person too many trying to do that, they don't need any help from you...

[Lilibeth]

Thank you very, very much Waverider. I really needed that... .

[an0ught]

Lilibeth,

Would you clear them for me please? Whenever i tell my husband that we are different people and have our own feelings, he hits back with 'this is not what i had in mind when we got married' (26 years ago). He says that instead of growing the same way, i have grown differently (and now he sees more change in me). When i try to tell him that i am a different person, he says i am arrogant and selfish and have a big ego. Waverider, he turns every single conversation back to him - even the mildest thing or the most impersonal thing suddenly becomes all about him - but when i try to tell him that this is my feeling, then i am the worst possible egoistic person ever. And the next sentence is 'i can't have anything to do with you.' Believe me, Waverider, i am not arrogant... . and this hurts. He says he does this for my good - so that i will learn. Also, when he criticizes me, he does so in such a way that there is very little self left in me - and i feel this wave of total rejection, and as if i'm drowning, gasping for air. He does this in front of my daughter too, and if she objects he comes up with 'mummy doesn't know what is good for her. i am protecting her.'

can you describe what your H is feeling and how you could validate that?

[Lilibeth]

An0ught, i was getting all entangled in the whole thing about validation and invalidation, so i've stepped back from it a bit. But, what i am understanding - trying very hard to get - is that i have to look beyond his words and actions to how he is feeling and take it from there - that would mean disengage, don't JADE and certainly don't react. I am trying to cope with the rejection angle with what Waverider has advised, since the first feeling that totally floods my head and mind and heart are the feelings of rejection and i really cannot take that anymore - will not... .

[an0ught]

Hi Lilibeth,

I am trying to cope with the rejection angle with what Waverider has advised, since the first feeling that totally floods my head and mind and heart are the feelings of rejection and i really cannot take that anymore - will not... .

dealing with rejection is tough  . We all want to be loved, be respected and have the feeling we are at least somewhat ok. Focusing on your own side and understanding that is important.

Still it may be worth looking what else is happening around you - nothing happens in isolation.

He says that instead of growing the same way, i have grown differently (and now he sees more change in me). When i try to tell him that i am a different person, he says i am arrogant and selfish and have a big ego.

Sounds like you have grown a bit and became stronger  How does your husband feel about it? We know what he says but what do you think are his thoughts and emotions?

[Lilibeth]

An0ught i came to this site totally without any self-esteem or feeling of self-worth. Down 26 years i have been just coping and had really hit rock bottom. I knew something was very seriously wrong but only now is the full impact of everything hitting me. I just needed to have peace inside of me instead of always being afraid and scared of what would hit me next - didn't want anything else. My daughter is who has been keeping me alive because i know she still needs me. She says that he is scared should something happen to me because he will not be able to cope with everyday pressures. I know that too because he crumbles under pressure. I am, thanks to this site, now trying to find out what his real emotions are which cause his upsets and instability and dysfunction. He is scared if i say or do one single tiny thing differently from the day before. Also, his ties with his own family are in tatters and he hates it that i have ties with my cousins. Likewise for friends. He wants to control me a hundred percent and then crush me. What is happening now is that i am learning to step back and when he hits out i just keep telling myself it is not because of me. He is seeing the change and is also seeing that i am not responding to anything he tries. As a result there is a feeling of peace happening inside of me and the negative energies he sends out are being deflected. This is where i'm at An0ught.

[an0ught]

Hi Lilibeth,

it sure feels overwhelming. Dealing with a pwBPD is pushing us to the limit and having been exposed to such behavior for so long does have a severe impact on you.

You are changing, you are getting somewhat stronger and you are starting to begin to assert yourself. Maybe not very loudly but you do.

Now bear with me - I know you are overwhelmed inside   - but you got to look at your H's situation in order to understand what is happening inside yourself.

Your H will be feeling threatened by your changes. He said:

i am arrogant and selfish and have a big ego

He is scared if i say or do one single tiny thing differently from the day before

and what does this tell us:

  arrogant -> his own self image is threatened

  selfish -> his boundaries are under attack as they are moved and shriking

  big ego -> his ego is feeling pushed

  change -> he is afraid of change

As he has not a good ability to regulate any of these emotions they will be overwhelming for him and he leashes out. The way he lashes out will be projecting his feelings of insecurity on to you.

And that is key. A lot what you are feeling are projected emotions. They are not all making sense for yourself. Trying to just look into yourself to handle them to resolve them is not going to fix them. The weakness, insecurity and overwhelming anger are to a big (not all) his emotions that he is projecting by what he says and how he behaves. Dealing with that can be exhausting. 

There are two ways to protect yourself from projections:

  - boundaries - not being there does help not being manipulated

  - validation - It is hard to tell yourself not to feel in a certain way. Our mind can not be so easily commanded. However telling him that he feels insecure etc. does go a long way clarifying in your mind that IT IS HIM who is afraid of change. Validation does help him but even more importantly it helps yourself to quieten your mind.

[Lilibeth]

Thank you for explaining this to me so carefully and clearly An0ugt. I get what you are telling me and i will work along these lines. When i came to this site through Stop Walking On Eggshells, the gentleness i found here made me cry. It was as if someone understood my pain. An0ught i know there is a lot of work ahead of me but i need to do this. There are so many issues here. Last year when i finally totally collapsed i went to a psychiatrist (where i come from this would be considered terrible). He gave me medicines for deep anxiety which i am taking regularly. I too feel that i should talk with him but i have to summon up the courage, An0ught and i have to choose the right time and the right words. He talks a lot-a lot and drowns out anyone talking with him so i have to find the right time. Also, he thinks that whatever he does not know is rubbish--in fact everything and everyone is rubbish. I so hope i can get myself back, An0ught, and live the years left to me unafraid and free in my heart and at peace.

[Lilibeth]

Manipulated - An0ught, this is what has been happening to me. I've been studying what you told me... . He had told me right in the beginning that he had a temper problem (passed on to him through his father who was, in my H's words a totally despicable person), but that he would get over it, and to give him 5 years - that didn't happen, and it was extended to another 5 years - but after that i have been seeing a deterioration, and that is what finally all but destroyed me... . It is so true, An0ught, a lot of what i feel are his projected emotions, only while he forgets them, it stays in my mind and i end up flagellating myself, as a result look totally washed out and down, which again makes me the butt of his ridicule as to why am i looking like this when what he said or did is already in the past... . what made it worse and worse was my daughter's look of anger and helplessness - now i am beginning to understand, and am also learning how to protect myself. I'm not letting myself get taken in by what he says in good moments - that is also helping me in my resolve to quieten my mind and not get confused. He says i am a kind person and so i need to be kind to him - i agree, but no more is it going to happen at the expense of my heart... . Now i've begun to pinpoint the points where his need for my kindness flips to his lashing out, and i try to put up my defenses to protect me - as a result, i am not getting totally destroyed - of course this is also making him angry, but knowing that i can come here, and my back is covered is giving me the strength to walk away and not let it get to where i get paralyzed with fear and an overwhelming sadness, and feelings of not being good enough.