Do you tell your pwBPD you love them when you don't mean it ?

[bpbreakout]

Had a fight with BPDw last night, a lot of it was to do with me being underpressure at work, me having just spent a week on my own with kids while BPDw visited family and then taking her out for a meal and listening to her talk about herself and her familiy for 2 hours (and how are you  ) and then have her walk out of the restaurant because I objected to her continually interrupting a brief phone call from our daughter about a school problem . I really didn't feel like de-escalating so this time (not usually the case) I gave her (verbally) as good as I got insult for insult before going to sleep on sofa and calm myself down.

In the morning I said sorry and told her I loved her. Frankly I didn't mean it at all and I hate saying things like that when I don't mean them.

It felt strangely liberating, I don't get it, it doesn't feel right 

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[Theo41]

Bpbreakout, Somebody insightful wrote about this from the opposite perspective.  He said that normal people can operate on more than one level. They can despise a behavior but know that at a deeper level and in the bigger scheme of things they really love this person. And usually but not always they temper their responses and choose words carefully so as not to inflict too much damage on a loved one. He went on to say that BPDs don't have this capability. They see things as black or white. When they get upset with you they don't at that moment know or feel that they have any love for you. When things level off and turn around they go to the other extreme and love u intensely and even idealize u.

Having said that, I have done what you did many times for the following reasons:

1. While i am not having loving feelings at the moment, I know that I love her and care for her deeply.

2. It's time for the horror show to be over and it isn't going to be until I make an effort to bring her out of it by reaching out. If I don't it will continue, and I want it to be over.

3. I feel bad because I let her push my buttons and despite what was said above, I lost control and said some ugly things I regret.

Hope all that helps. Theo

[waverider]

Theo is hitting on a good point there. what you mean is you don't feel the love right there and then. You have taken on the fleas of a BPD, her hatred as been projected onto you and you have taken the vitriol on board. She can let it go quicker than you, but it takes a while for you to let it go. As a result you are out of sync. You cant forgive and forget as easily, probably the fact that she is "over it" even fuels the resentment. So you can in fact feel hate. But that is hate of the moment and the immediate cause of it (your partner). You know it is the disorder but you project it on to her personally. Projection is a human trait and not just unique to pwBPD.

You hate the disorder, the way it affects you, the RS, your environment, the fact that you can't fix it. Your lack of control over it. The sheer frustration. The knowledge that your partner is a bigger victim of it than you is not enough to override your need to make someone responsible. So you feel like you hate you partner. That is your vent.

If you really hated her, your days as a couple would probably be over by now.

I felt the same thing, only 10 minutes ago, for maybe the 100'th time this year so far, but I do know it is not her, it is the disorder and my vulnerability to it. I am human, and that is OK. I will get over it, even if it takes longer than a pwBPD can.

To answer the original question yes I tell my pwBPD that I love her when i dont feel it at that time. Do I feel like I am being dishonest? No. i am being realistic. The feelings of now are not the benchmark, that is the failing of a pwBPD, i am not a pwBPD, so I know now is not the benchmark that I should judge my response on.