My xBPDgf has left for good this time. It's been two months; we had our 'closure' session with our therapist, during which time I was told how I was responsible for her visceral pain, that she was left a shell of herself. It was awful; her parting gift to me was to own her pain. Despite countless recyclings (she either moved out or threatened to leave dozens of times in 6 years), I believe it is now over. I have a sense of relief, though mostly I am in grief, and also overwhelmed, as I have been left to clean up the mess.
It's the mess that has me both walking in a fog, and angry (not overwhelming so, but angry at both her and myself, for allowing this to have continued for so long). The issues are this. I truly believed we were creating a family when we moved in together three years ago. I sold my house, and bought a new home with her; one we could afford together, but not separately. I have two boys, from a previous marriage, one of whom is quite attached to her.
Now, my xBPDgf has just packed a few bags, rented and apartment, and disappeared. According to friends, she has struck up relationship with previous partner already (someone she never really left while we were together, which should have been major red flag). Anyway, here I sit in this big house that I will have to sell, I'm surrounded by all of her things, and my younger son is not doing well. I was planning on telling my boys this weekend that she is not coming back (they think she's been away for work, which wouldn't be unusual as she has taken long trips before). But then, my younger son suffered from a panic attack, which he has had before and seeing T for. They are triggered by loss, and fortunately T is excellent. Still, a v. upsetting situation, and I need to be consistent and strong for my son.
Basically, I'm just overwhelmed and grief-stricken. We all opened our hearts for this person, and off she goes, onto her new life, rekindling old relationship. She said to me that maybe she'll send the boys birthday cards to stay in touch. She's just clueless. No idea the collateral damage she has caused; no idea of the pain of other people. She's just so focused on herself. And, to boot, I am the bad guy... . fully painted black.
Most of all, though, I see my children, and particularly my younger son, and I am so disappointed with myself. She's moved on, though at the same time, when I had engaged with her over the last two months with our couples therapist, a complete emotional wreck with outbursts of visceral pain that were frightening. It's all to say, I don't expect anything from her, though I'm having to dig very deeply within myself to find the strength to clean up the mess. I will have to move at a time when my younger son has panic attacks over loss; she hasn't spoken to him or my older son since before Xmas, and seems to have little interest other than a meeting to say goodbye and to tell them how much pain she's in (not certain that's a good idea right now).
Oh, and did I mention, we work together. Despite our couples therapists' best efforts to tell her to keep details of our relationship private, she has been out there telling everyone how abusive, cold, cruel, etc. I am. Not surprising, she was a master a
Triangulation, though right now, with everything else, it's just the last thing that I need.
Has anyone dealt with the cleaning up of the mess? With children who formed attachments and then forgotten like they were nothing? With a level of self-centeredness that defies any acceptability? I know I'm thinking like a reasonably healthy adult, and expecting her to act like one too. Still, it's just so incredibly painful.
