Starving the rabbit.

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Okay, I'm all up in my head and have been for the last 48 hours. I've broke NC again. I was doing good and had gone for months. Granted I was miserable and miss her like hell but she didn't know that and I was better than I am now. She broke it first and then I have called and emailed for several days. Mostly blasting her for all she is and has done. At the time it felt good as I had been stuffing it all and wanting to get it out... on her!

So now she won't talk to me. Silence. This is what she said her dad would do that bothered her the most when she was a kid. I'm aggressive and need to get it out. I hate silence and I need to get it out. I'm very wound up right now. I'm dying to call her. This is the worse it's been I think. It really is an addiction. Once you get a taste again it comes on even stronger.

The topic name here. When we first started dating and were talking about the worst thing we have ever done she told me she starved a pet rabbit to death when she was a little girl. Now, where the parents were and allowed this to happen is beyond me. It would take days or weeks to starve something it's not just a quick death.  It sent chills up my spine and a voice inside me told me to turn and run.

Ever since I knew this it would come to mind during one of our fights and by fights I mean times when we were not speaking. See I hate that. I'd rather argue and be done with it. Not her. She would torture me for days on end. I would even tell her she was starving the rabbit. Is it possible that she gets off on this. Like I'm the rabbit? It's so hard for me to sit on my hands. I don't even know what'd I'd say. I must be the crazy one here. What the heck is wrong with me. Why would I even want to know someone like this...

[buddy1226]

Okay, I'm all up in my head and have been for the last 48 hours. I've broke NC again. I was doing good and had gone for months. Granted I was miserable and miss her like hell but she didn't know that and I was better than I am now. She broke it first and then I have called and emailed for several days. Mostly blasting her for all she is and has done. At the time it felt good as I had been stuffing it all and wanting to get it out... on her!

So now she won't talk to me. Silence. This is what she said her dad would do that bothered her the most when she was a kid. I'm aggressive and need to get it out. I hate silence and I need to get it out. I'm very wound up right now. I'm dying to call her. This is the worse it's been I think. It really is an addiction. Once you get a taste again it comes on even stronger.

The topic name here. When we first started dating and were talking about the worst thing we have ever done she told me she starved a pet rabbit to death when she was a little girl. Now, where the parents were and allowed this to happen is beyond me. It would take days or weeks to starve something it's not just a quick death.  It sent chills up my spine and a voice inside me told me to turn and run.

Ever since I knew this it would come to mind during one of our fights and by fights I mean times when we were not speaking. See I hate that. I'd rather argue and be done with it. Not her. She would torture me for days on end. I would even tell her she was starving the rabbit. Is it possible that she gets off on this. Like I'm the rabbit? It's so hard for me to sit on my hands. I don't even know what'd I'd say. I must be the crazy one here. What the heck is wrong with me. Why would I even want to know someone like this...

[node4]

Buddy,

I am not being dramatic, however you need to step out your current situation, and I mean now. You are getting on the emotional roller coaster, and there is only one or two ways that this will end. One you get yourself so worked up that you do something stupid, and two you completely freak her out, and by doing so you are losing control of yourself, and her, and the situation. You are making things worst for you. If you get everything off of your chest to her, and make her pay, how does that benefit you? You burn the bridge, and hurt her even more, which in turn hurts you even more. They never want to be reminded of what they have done, or haven't done. They know... . and they wont hear it anyway. Take that need out on something else... . working out, running... . move... . scream whatever it takes... .

I would suggest that you go somewhere that you have never been before... .

I mean get in your car, and drive somewhere, where you have not been, a trigger spot, or a place where you have not been ruminating or processing the relationship.

Get out of the car, leave the phone in the car, and sit quietly. Visualize yourself as a third person, looking at this situation and your most recent actions, and responses. Is this what you wanted? What do you want? Pull yourself out of the cycle, and look at where you are standing. Now where do you want to take this? Ask yourself... .

[arn131arn]

Good post node4. I may just need to fill up that gas tank some time soon.

[bpdspell]

I agree with node,

You are in the midst of toxic engagement and getting rope a doped in the BPD toxic dance. And there is no beating a mentally ill person at their own game or showing them who's boss. They've been mentally ill longer than they've been with you so there's really nothing you can do that will make her see the light.

My question to you is what exactly do you want from her? There is no reasoning with a person who's attached to their own reality. Perhaps you haven't fully accepted that you're dealing with a person who's missing a couple of french fries from her happy meal. Unloading on her may make you feel better but quite honestly they view our rage, our unhinging and our anger as a sign of how much we actually love them. They love the attention and it's how their toxic mentally ill minds work.

It hurts extremely to be invalidated by someone we love. My ex would hang up on me in the middle of phone conversations and disappear for days without a peep. It was all about him and he didn't give one flip that I cried, begged, pleaded and even balled myself into corners trying to understand his narcissism.

This "starving the rabbit" is her version of the silent treatment and the only way you can disengage from it is by stepping off the BPD roller coaster. You need to decide for yourself when to really be done and done with her. Otherwise she will pull your emotional puppet strings and yank them whatever way she's feeling in the moment. As long as your blowing steam at her she wins. If you want her you're gonna have to accept her BPD as a part of the package. Because her BPD is a part of her like her thumbs.

Spell

[almosthadme]

The best thing you can do it's just shut her out that is what gets to them.Im sure you know that but you will get through it.This board really is a great tool to calm me down.

[Hurtbeyondrepair27]

I agree with node,

You are in the midst of toxic engagement and getting rope a doped in the BPD toxic dance. And there is no beating a mentally ill person at their own game or showing them who's boss. They've been mentally ill longer than they've been with you so there's really nothing you can do that will make her see the light.

My question to you is what exactly do you want from her? There is no reasoning with a person who's attached to their own reality. Perhaps you haven't fully accepted that you're dealing with a person who's missing a couple of french fries from her happy meal. Unloading on her may make you feel better but quite honestly they view our rage, our unhinging and our anger as a sign of how much we actually love them. They love the attention and it's how their toxic mentally ill minds work.

It hurts extremely to be invalidated by someone we love. My ex would hang up on me in the middle of phone conversations and disappear for days without a peep. It was all about him and he didn't give one flip that I cried, begged, pleaded and even balled myself into corners trying to understand his narcissism.

This "starving the rabbit" is her version of the silent treatment and the only way you can disengage from it is by stepping off the BPD roller coaster. You need to decide for yourself when to really be done and done with her. Otherwise she will pull your emotional puppet strings and yank them whatever way she's feeling in the moment. As long as your blowing steam at her she wins. If you want her you're gonna have to accept her BPD as a part of the package. Because her BPD is a part of her like her thumbs.

Spell

I have a question about this... if they take our rage as how much we love them...

then do they view their rage as loving us also? Even though they are claiming hate in the moment?

Not trying to hijack... .

[nownotsure]

Okay, I'm all up in my head and have been for the last 48 hours. I've broke NC again. I was doing good and had gone for months ... . So now she won't talk to me. Silence ... . I must be the crazy one here. What the heck is wrong with me. Why would I even want to know someone like this...

Hi Buddy,

I know this feeling all too well. In my case my ex uses breaking-up as a form of manipulation and then adds the silent treatment as a form of torment. So the way I see it, my calling would only justify to her that what she's doing is getting at me.

If this is of any help: one thing I've done/doing when I get temped to pick the phone up and call her, is to remind myself of how I've been wrongly treated time-and-time again, and then ask myself if I really want to go through it all once more. The silent treatment is just more ammunition for me to sit on my hands and wait for her to break down and call.

I've been told if you can keep NC long enough, they likely get bored (out of sight, out of mind) and will move on to someone with less resolve. I haven't been so lucky, because my ex usually ends up calling me within a month of NC. Maybe this time round I'll catch a lucky break!

[nownotsure]

I have a question about this... if they take our rage as how much we love them...

then do they view their rage as loving us also? Even though they are claiming hate in the moment?

Not trying to hijack... .

Hi Hurtbeyondrepair,

I don't truly understand the disorder, as I'm just starting to learn about it. But I think I can answer your question because I once asked my ex the same thing.

My ex said that she would only rage at someone (family/loved one) because that person is so important in her life that any sign of betrayal brings out feelings that are much more intense than she would otherwise feel. So if she didn't truly love someone, she wouldn't to be able to feel overwhelmed with rage.

I can add that I've heard this before, about love and hate being the opposite side of the same knife-edge. Of course the borderline feels emotions at a much more primitive level, so I guess a non, such as yourself, would witness this as being placed on a pedestal one minute and being swiftly knocked off the next. I know the feeling and that's what made me ask my ex what the heck was going on.

Hope I helped answer your question.

[NoCRV]

Hi Hurtbeyondrepair27,

I don't know if this answers your question but here it goes.  Their rage directed at you is because your closeness/intimacy and has nothing to do with love.  You may be a trigger for the rage because of their love for you but the rage is to make you feel their pain.  If I yelled back at my BPDex, she justified her rage and became the victim.  Just my two cents.

[cosmonaut]

I know how it feels, buddy.  I want to contact my ex so badly.  It's something that is almost always on my mind, even when I'm busy doing other things.   I know how much it hurts to be completely and utterly abandoned by pwBPD.  There really is nothing else quite like it; it's a special type of pain.  It's agony.  It really is.  I know you are in tremendous pain.  All of us here are or were at one point.  Hang in there and keep talking about it.  It helps to get it out.

Don't beat yourself up for breaking NC.  I've tried to contact my ex twice since she left.  I bet every single person on this board that's been left by their SO with BPD has done the same.  The need to try and fix things, to want to try and work things out is perfectly normal.  Even the need to want to tell our SOs how angry and hurt we are by their actions.  In a "normal" relationship this might be a healthy thing to do.  The problem is that our SOs aren't able to engage on that level.  They just can't understand.  It's not their fault.  They just can't.  I know your ex did some horrible things to you.  I know that she is being incredibly cruel in her actions.  Inside, however, she is an incredibly damaged child.  A shattered child.  My ex is exactly the same.  She's broken inside.  It's not her fault.  She didn't do that and she never chose that.  It was done to her.  Your ex is the same.  Try to recognize that she is a profoundly broken person.  That realization has helped me.  Your ex isn't doing this to you because she hates you or because she enjoys it or because you deserve it in any way.  She's doing it because she doesn't know any other way.  She's broken, buddy.  I think once you have really internalized that it will help.

You can restart NC.  It's ok to fail.  We all do.  All of us.  Just pick yourself up and try again.  Things will get better in time.  Keep working on you!

[nownotsure]

Hi Hurtbeyondrepair27,

I don't know if this answers your question but here it goes.  Their rage directed at you is because your closeness/intimacy and has nothing to do with love.  You may be a trigger for the rage because of their love for you but the rage is to make you feel their pain.  If I yelled back at my BPDex, she justified her rage and became the victim.  Just my two cents.

I agree with NoCRV's point, but I just want to make sure others reading this post don't come away with the idea that someone with BPD is purposely trying to inflict emotional pain when they rage at a loved one. One of the characteristics of BPD (especially someone who is low-functioning) is an inability to self-regulate emotions or to self-sooth. Simply put, it's a self-destructive behavior they have little insight or control over.

[myself]

Hi Hurtbeyondrepair27,

I don't know if this answers your question but here it goes.  Their rage directed at you is because your closeness/intimacy and has nothing to do with love.  You may be a trigger for the rage because of their love for you but the rage is to make you feel their pain.  If I yelled back at my BPDex, she justified her rage and became the victim.  Just my two cents.

I agree with NoCRV's point, but I just want to make sure others reading this post don't come away with the idea that someone with BPD is purposely trying to inflict emotional pain when they rage at a loved one. One of the characteristics of BPD (especially someone who is low-functioning) is an inability to self-regulate emotions or to self-sooth. Simply put, it's a self-destructive behavior they have little insight or control over.

Some of it is intentional. There are many posts here that say they picked the time and place to rage, as well as the intensity. The roots are in the disorder, I agree. I can confirm these actions in my r/s. She told me many times she was punishing me, doing things on purpose, while upset (dysregulated). She let it slip it was a control game.

[Hurtbeyondrepair27]

He was definitely doing this on purpose he thought I had done something I hadn't,

and made a conscious effort to throw me under the bus on something huge

betraying me and destroying me. He know what he was doing...

Thanks guys!