Sad tonight

[Allmessedup]

It has been almost 6 weeks no contact with a small exception I posted here about.  I keep thinking I am doing better but then a wave of loneliness and doubt floods thru me.  I know we were not healthy.  But I also know I played my own role.  Tonight my mind wanders to would it be still so bad if I fixed my part of it.  I know the answer is yes in my head but my heart is different.

This grief is so complex.  I miss her but I also am feeling very angry and hopeless tonight.

I know it will pass but tonight it's hanging on tight. 

I did a lot of introspection over the last day or two and I think that has a lot to do with it as well.   Plus I am not feeling well and she actually was quite good at taking care of me when I was sick.

Just needed to share tonight

[Tausk]

This grief is so complex.  

Hey there, AMU:

Yes. I've never heard this quote before, but it is so true.  It's about my ex, my relationship, my dreams, my FOO issues, my innocence as a child... .

Add that to the trauma bond and the idealization/devaluation.   Hang in there.  I won't say it gets easier, but it does get better.  But the ups and downs can be very difficult.

You're not alone.

Keep doing the work, and soon you're moniker will be Allmostup and then AllputbacktogetherandbetterthanIcouldhavedreamed :-)

[myself]

I am not feeling well and she actually was quite good at taking care of me when I was sick.

Allmessedup,   and get well soon.

This made me think about how when junkies don't get their fix, they say they're sick. When you don't get that next hit, you miss the dose and the person you get it from. The person who 'took care of you', who played the addicted game with you. These r/s are like dealing with poison. Take too much and you don't make it. You lose no matter what. Take less, or none, you're better off. The patterns need to reset.

Taking care of yourself right now is a good lesson to get through, physically and emotionally. It would have felt nice to have her by your side, nursing you through a recycle. It will feel great to get where you're going on your own.

[Allmessedup]

Thanks tausk.  And that's exactly it.  I am grieving everything and all at once...

Most days it's tolerable... . but tonight not so much.  Perhaps tomorrow will be better.

But I made progress.  I didn't call.  I didn't text.  I got thru the evening and hopefully now will sleep.   Baby steps.

I sure can't wait to have that last moniker!

Thanks for responding. I needed to feel not so alone

[Allmessedup]

Thanks myself.

I am getting there... . when she first left I was like 3 weeks... . it takes 3 weeks to break a habit.  That held true when I quit smoking after all.  That mantra ran thru my head every one of those 21 days,

And after the first three weeks it was better... . But I still crave her.  Especially when I let myself remember.   

She is addictive as hell and just like cigarettes I don't know why. 

Funny I had stopped smoking for 3 years.  I started up again when I got together with her.  And sometimes even smoking can lead to me missing her.

My stupid brain needs a re-wire but I am working on that too.

Thanks so much for responding!

[Tausk]

Taking care of yourself right now is a good lesson to get through, physically and emotionally.

Hey there AMU:  Glad to hear from you.  We are not alone.  That's what's so great about this board.  It's more than just a coincidence that our patterns are so alike.  So, although we share in the responsibility of the dysfunction, it just didn't happen by accident or just because we were terrible people.

The people on the board are decent caring people of character.

And so what Myself says above about taking care of ourselves is very wise. I took care of everything and everyone for so long, that taking care of myself was a lost concept.  But that too was selfish on my part, because I really can't do anything well if I'm not taking care of myself.

So a good question to ask oneself is, "what am I doing to take care of myself?"  Being on the board, if it's for the right reason is a possible answer.  Eating a nice meal, getting a tan/massage, working out, sleeping well, seeing a therapist, volunteering... . breathing, or just being are all possible responses.

Take care,

Be well,

thanks for being here for me.

[Turkish]

Hello Allmessedup, you are not alone. I'm just two weeks out from my physical seperation. Mine called tonight to talk to the kids. I talked to her a little bit about them and I felt strangely soothed by talking to her. While my day time thoughts otherwise are very angry, borderline hatred (pun intended). Then I think... . "what if I had done xyz?" Then I look at old FB photos of us and our kids, and feel it more strongly. What a freaking waste... .

Our feelings are natural. Let them flow. In flowing, they go somewhere else. It takes time, but that flow will lessen as it empties out of us. Give yourself time. Its ok.

[Turkish]

Ugh, Tausk... . I met my uBPDx volunteering in the community. Do so, its great,  but keep your newly honed radars up!

I'm just saying... .

[Allmessedup]

Thanks tausk,

Ur story sounds so familiar.  I was raised never to worry about myself... . that is so selfish of course!

I had been making it a priority to do something for myself every day... . but had let that slip in the business of life.  

Tonight I binge watched a few episodes of house of cards one my kids went to bed.  Sadly it helped to watch a more twisted story line than my own

Tomorrow I think heading back to the gym is in order.  It's hard to make myself take care of me... . but I do always feel better when I manage it.

Thanks for the reminder

[Tausk]

Ugh, Tausk... . I met my uBPDx volunteering in the community. Do so, its great,  but keep your newly honed radars up!

I'm just saying... .

I met mine at a Buddhist study group. Her dad was one of the early members, and she knew more than I did.  And the ex gfwBPD before her was a Peace Corps volunteer with me in West Africa.

And since this last break up, I've been mirrored, but escaped, by a pwBPD at the Public Health Department where I work.  

I'm totally drawn to them, so I figured out that if I'm not careful, I'll seek them out no matter where I am.  Even a cave in Everest probably isn't safe for me.  I'd find someone.  

So, It's up to me to see the     and "JUST SAY NO!"

[Allmessedup]

Thanks Turkish,

I do a huge amount of ruminating about what if I did xyz... .   It's one of the big things that get me stuck. 

I think these boards are so helpful because all of our stories are so similar.  I think in some way it helps the acceptance.  I mean u have thousands of relationships that the relationship and the aftermath from it are so similar.   It helps to see how much of a disorder it is

[Tausk]

Thanks tausk,

Ur story sounds so familiar.  I was raised never to worry about myself... . that is so selfish of course!

I had been making it a priority to do something for myself every day... . but had let that slip in the business of life.  

Tonight I binge watched a few episodes of house of cards one my kids went to bed.  Sadly it helped to watch a more twisted story line than my own

Tomorrow I think heading back to the gym is in order.  It's hard to make myself take care of me... . but I do always feel better when I manage it.

Thanks for the reminder

Everything you wrote above sounds like recovery.  Self awareness, meaning, self care... . maybe just a little bit too self judgmental?   A little diversion is good for us. I bet your mind races like mine, looping the track in the Insaneapolis 500.  So we need diversion and entertainment in moderation as well.  And Kevin Spacey rocks.  

It's nice you have meaning in your life with the kids.  That's a good place to focus. And taking care of yourself is primary to being able to take care of them.  Finding meaning has been a big focus in my recovery.  It can be a challenge because I don't have children.  It's easier on a daily life without kids, but from what I've seen, having that necessary focus and selflessness for something of meaning, is a blessing.

But we need to take of ourselves first.  

Remember when flying, if the aircraft cabinet depressurizes... . Put your own oxygen mask on FIRST.

[Allmessedup]

I met mine at work.   I am a psych nurse and she was a mental health tech at our community mental health center... .

Wanna guess what type of clients we worked a lot with?

I thought I had seen it all with borderlines.  They drive me crazy to work with.  But they are usually very low functioning if they were on my unit.   Give me psychotic any day!

I just didn't have my boundaries up with her

[Allmessedup]

Kevin spacey does rock... . and I am hugely judgemental of myself a lot... . it's actually something I have to work on... . being kind to me...

Yes the kids help. And my crazy dogs,   Both are almost always guaranteed to get me to laugh. 

One day at a time right?  We will all get there!

[Turkish]

I met mine at work.   I am a psych nurse and she was a mental health tech at our community mental health center... .

Wanna guess what type of clients we worked a lot with?

I thought I had seen it all with borderlines.  They drive me crazy to work with.  But they are usually very low functioning if they were on my unit.   Give me psychotic any day!

I just didn't have my boundaries up with her

So you think you should have known better, due to your education and experience? Though I wouldn't trade my experience for getting beaten or stabbed like some members here, the high functioning ones are in sheeps clothing... .

[Tausk]

Kevin spacey does rock... . and I am hugely judgemental of myself a lot... . it's actually something I have to work on... . being kind to me...

Yes the kids help. And my crazy dogs,   Both are almost always guaranteed to get me to laugh. 

One day at a time right?  We will all get there!

Yes.  I had to learn that taking care of myself, also means compassion and forgiveness for myself.   Really really difficult but rewarding principles that have taken some time to adopt.  

And crazy dogs as well.  Let's see, ex wBPD, kids, crazy dogs, grieving... . It sounds like you're doing really good. Maybe not feeling perfect, but doing really good.  

We can be doing better than we feel.  Another strange but true principle that I'm learning.

And agreed, We ARE getting there, and by walking the path, in fact we are there already, but we just can't stop.

[Allmessedup]

Oh yes... . I should have known better.

She told me she used to be borderline.  Tons of scars from her cutting.

But I she also said that she had been in therapy for years and years and was recovered.  

Well she wasn't cutting anymore but I did threaten to hospitalize her on more than one occasion unless she knocked off the suicide threats.

[Allmessedup]

Yup. I pretty much live in chaos.  4 kids. 4 dogs. Working on my nurse practitioner degree And currently I work with schizophrenics. 

But that all does help keep me busy which helps most days. 

Being kind to me is something I have to schedule right now... . But I am hoping that in time it will become second nature.

It's funny some days I think I am doing so well... . and then I get days like these that leave me flat. 

But that same hope that kept me in the relationship so long is now the hope that says maybe tomorrow will be better,

[Tausk]

I met mine at work.   I am a psych nurse and she was a mental health tech at our community mental health center... .

Wanna guess what type of clients we worked a lot with?

I thought I had seen it all with borderlines.  They drive me crazy to work with.  But they are usually very low functioning if they were on my unit.   Give me psychotic any day!

I just didn't have my boundaries up with her

So you think you should have known better, due to your education and experience? Though I wouldn't trade my experience for getting beaten or stabbed like some members here, the high functioning ones are in sheeps clothing... .

My ex,  PH.d in Social Work, Reads and translates Tibetan, Buddhist Scholar, Junior Olympian Track star, Swimsuit model,, Musical Theater performer... . (can you see why a nerd like me would be drawn  :'( ).

But she had the emotional maturity of a traumatized three year old, with an alcoholic Father who lived in the shed for twenty years, a BPD mother who seduced at least one of her boyfriends, a violent NPD older brother, who was breast feed until he was seven, who used to beat her up and pimp her out to his friends (and maybe himself).  

High Functioning usually means just better at survival skills, and of greater educational opportunities, and higher intelligence.  I also means better at hiding the Disorder.   It doesn't have any bearing on emotional capacity.   There are plenty of Manhattan penthouses, filled with imploded pwBPDs surviving alone in deep terror and bitterness. Sadness.

[Tausk]

 4 kids. 4 dogs. Working on my nurse practitioner degree And currently I work with schizophrenics.  

Good for you.  Think maybe you got a little bit of the "caretaker" trait in you  

Remember, it's not the day to day ups and downs, but the trend that counts.  And with the above going on, it's not possible not to burn out on a day or two.  

With your load, even Mahatma Gandhi would be pissed off or depressed once in a while  

[Allmessedup]

Very very sad.   I tend to see borderlines who are way below poverty level, no education, etc.

My gf had a horrid childhood rife with abuse.  Funny she told me all about her father when we first became friends... . Almost right away.  We weren't involved until years later... . we stopped talking when I switched areas and I only ended up seeing her cuz I went to fill in a night there.

And from that night on all hell broke loose

She can function amazingly well.  Her therapy years did teach her that.  

However she still throws many red flags if u watch for them

[Allmessedup]

Codependent   that is me.  Care taking is what I do... .

But working on caregiving instead. Much more healthy

Don't think I am all that overwhelmed though... . My kiddos are 19 16 12 and 7.

They need my ear and my checkbook. But we are way past the whole cut up my food for me... . for the most part at least