Changing my name

[chayka]

Some months ago, I posted that I was seriously considering changing my first name. I've always hated it and wanted to change it, but didn't have the confidence.

Since I realized, two years ago, that my mum has undiagnosed BPD, I've been recovering a lot of very painful childhood memories, and it has become clear to me that my name was frequently used by my mum as part of verbal abuse. I wasn't consciously aware of it, but my first name came to mean a summing up of all the horrible things I was told I was (stupid, useless, wicked etc etc). This explains why, when anyone says my first name to me, it's like being slapped, and I feel defiled and ashamed.

So, after months of careful thought and discussion with my partner and a few close friends who understand the situation, I've decided to change my first name, and have chosen a new name I like very much.

As a woman in her mid forties, I feel embarrassed to admit this, but I'm actually terrified of what my mum's reaction might be. I don't see her very often, but we speak on the phone every few days. I've put a great deal of effort into understanding her problems and trying to maintain some kind of relationship with her, and I fear that changing my name could bring all of that crashing down.

She has always been highly resistant to the idea of me changing my name, and takes the fact that I don't like it as a personal insult. On some level, probably unconsciously, I think she'll be aware that if I keep my original name (the one she chose for me), it gives her a sense of being able to own and control me. She won't want to lose that. So I predict that she'll go absolutely ape****.

Any advice and support on this would be extremely welcome! I'm feeling almost paralyzed with fear as I type this, but it's really important for me to go ahead with the name change, as I believe it's a key part of freeing myself from past abuse and claiming my right to be the person I am, rather than being determined by my mother.

Thanks for reading this, guys!

All best wishes,

Chayka

[Legacymaker]

Good for you chayka!  This is a bold step towards independence!

I have only just realized that it is truely okay to cast off things that give us negative vibes. Personally, I threw my mom's apology note away yesterday because it was not sincere and every time I read it, it made me relive her raging at me.  I know that sounds trivial by comparison, but anything that leaves us feeling less than wonderful simply needs to go!

I wonder why you need to tell your mom that you have changed your name at all?  Maybe let her continue to know you as she does and save your new "self" for those who support you.

I can only imagine that my own mother would taint the new name and I would be back in the same position as I started.

Just know that you are in the drivers seat and make the decision that feels best for you!

[Sitara]

That's really interesting. You said it's important to you and you have a name picked out for yourself, so go for it! Sure, she may have named you when you were born, but in a lot of ways our healing journey is a lot like a rebirth anyway, makes sense you would go into it with a new name.

You can't control how your mother will react to the change but you do have control over your choices in your life. Congrats on an exciting step towards who you want to be! 

[PleaseValidate]

Congratulations Chayka! Sounds like you have made a wonderful decision!

I hope I won't be judged, and that it might be helpful, if I share my own experience on the topic.

My BPDmo got divorced when I was about 2 and went back to her maiden name immediately. Apparently, so she tells me but I don't remember, she used to ask me if I wanted to change my name to hers to and I would cry and scream, "NOO!" Well, one day in 3rd grade she asked and I wanted to please her so badly I agreed.

She has a very proper Irish last name but I always thought it was ugly (and for a little kid, it brings images of a fat animal.) My original last name, and one I reverted to is Portuguese and since I was like 6, she had been telling me I'd never get a job or get a husband w such an "ethnic" name. (Oh, and just for fun, her and her brothers whom i lived with would "jokingly" call me a "Spic," say i have "a little n*gger blood," etc.)

She didn't give me a middle name (which I think says a lot about her general investment in having a child.) So when I had to pick a saint's name for Catholic Confirmation, i picked my PATERNAL aunt's first name. This caused her to sob hysterically while we were driving (not too usual) and cause me to think she would kill us as she often threatened to do. She asked me why I didn't pick HER name.

When I'm 16, I start working and im supposed to go to court to LEGALLY change my name. Everyone just accepted my using her last name prior. I refused. The sobbing started again... .

It was odd to tell teachers at school and peers in the 11th grade that I was changing my name. A lot of them still remember my old name from elementary school, however, so it wasn't too bad.

When I got married I kept my maiden name because I feel I worked so hard to keep it. My mil didn't understand but oh well... . I often think of changing my first name too because it is soo boring but I'm not sure if I'm ready for that.

Btw- I actually know quite a few people who have changed their first names. Some for religious spiritual reasons, one for the reason which you state, and some for artistic purposes.

I am very envious and have great respect for all who recreate themselves! Again, Chayka, good for you! 

[itsnotme]

She didn't give me a middle name (which I think says a lot about her general investment in having a child.)

I don't have a middle name either... . all my other sibs do. That always upset me.


I wish I could something like change my name. I would imagine it being something like a rebirth. Losing the old life that we don't want to remember.

Good luck to you

[lucyhoneychurch]

       

I will let the little emoticon dude say it for me.

Wow... . you are brave and gutsy and changing your name one way to solidify your new life.

Love it... . how cool.   

[chayka]

Thanks, everyone, I really appreciate your support! 

Legacymaker, I was also worried at first that my mum might taint the new name. But on reflection I know she wouldn't use it anyway, as she won't accept the change. I'll tell her she's the only person who can continue to use the old name and that might help both of us. I can't avoid informing her about it, though. There's a very effective grapevine operating within my extended family, and if I didn't tell her first the whole deal would be even worse!

I'm quite concerned that she might try to turn the extended family against me, saying that I'm changing my name because I hate her, or trying to portray me as crazy, and asking them not to co-operate. So we've thought out a plan where I will write them a friendly letter explaining what I'm doing. Of course I'll simply say I've never liked my name, have only just now found the confidence to change it etc, not mentioning abuse at all. As soon as I tell my mum, I'll send out the letter. The usual enabler will not have time to do much work before they hear my side of the story.

PleaseValidate, thanks for sharing your experience. It's really helpful to hear about anything name-related, even if it's a bit different. Sorry you had to go through all of that. 

Chayka