I want out... but I don't know how to do it.

[saitek]

I want out... . but I don't know how to do it.

It's been 9 long years. year 1 was great! well mostly great there towards the end of year 1 I began to realize the score. Long story short my wife was self aware enough to actually get diagnosed with BPD and she took some paltry efforts to remedy it but would never stick to them and balked at my intentions to help her stay focused. Soo much so that I just gave up. We have an 8yr old d together and we love her dearly but now as she gets older I'm beginning to see that my BPDw and I have very different parenting approaches and discipline standards.

I often find her methods too severe and harsh... . she expects our 8yr old to behave as an adult she expects validation and I don't agree with that. My BPDw's anger spikes soo quickly and soo severely that even though I've never seen her "hit" or physically abuse our d I feel like the potential is there and it makes me affraid to my core.

A little backstory... . My BPDw's parents divorced when she was very little, her mother had a breakdown and left her to be raised by her well intentioned Grand parents. But I can't fault them, they did what any good grand parents would do, they tried to take care of her. Her father just dissapeared from her life and her mother eventually returned but not enough for it to matter.

I'm not going to go into the "whys" soo much... . suffice to say I've been on a ride I'll not soon forget and I don't think I can handle another 10yrs of this. But I'm faced with a delimma... . the last time my BPDw and I trial seperated she stayed with her grandmother who is now in her late 80's. This proved to be very stressful and hard on her grandmother but being family she would not defend herself against my BPDw. I know how much she stresses me out and I can only imagine the damage she would inflict(unintentionally) on her grandmother. I know it's guilt that im feeling but even still I can't knowingly throw her into that mix without feeling responsible for what happens.

My BPDw hasn't worked for 8 years... . if I divorce her will I not have to pay allimony and child support too? Would I be able to get full custody and still allow her healthy visitation with our d ? There's soo many questions and aspects that scare me. We are barely getting by as it is and if I had to throw in lawyer costs, daycare, and alimony on top of all of this I don't think I'd be able to swim.

The people pleaser in me thinks I should just wait and let my d get older and more self sufficient and give the situation time so that her grandmother doesn't have to endure her twilight years dealing with my BPDw's drama. Her grandmother has bloodpressure issues and arguing with my BPDw makes that spike, which is not good. I'm also wracked with guilt over the "promise" I made in our marriage... I grew up being force fed the notion that once you married it was for life.

The "me" inside of me wants out... . yesterday. I want to be free and just alone with my d. I look forward to taking solo trips away from home and going to work is a blessing for me because it puts distance between me and my BPDw's drama. What makes all of this soo hard is the simple truth that my BPDw has tried in the past to fix herself... . she often will appologize after we fight and admit her feelings were irrational but the damage is still done and it will still happen all over again.

She's improved on many levels but it's still only a drop in the bucket of what needs to happen in our relationship. At the end of it all I'm just exhausted and I want out. She wont leave me though because I'm her meal ticket... . and she turns her anger inward and trys to use guilt and obligation as her weapons of choice. "I'm depressed I feel terrible... look how YOU made me feel" - echos in my head.

So what do I do? How do I do it? I'm soo lost.

[Surnia]

Hi saitek

I would strongly recommend you to seek out for legal advice before doing any steps. There is the financial side, than the custody question. Is is real to get full custody for your daughter... . al this are important question to ask and answer first.

Reach out to a lawyer or a help desk for family/divorce questions. Than you will know more.