Something so simple and profound that my T told me...

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I posted a couple days ago about a breakthrough T session I had this week that helped me immensely with my recovery of the effects of the 3+ year r/s I had with my uBPD/NPD ex gf.  I was holding onto the memory of the last big confrontation we had and thinking to myself "why did I finally make such a big deal over an issue that I'd dealt with for much of the r/s?".   The details of the situation aren't important, but what my T said to me was so simple and profound.  She asked me to visualize myself that day sitting in the backseat of my car, for the hundredth or more times, feeling like my needs and feelings didn't matter.  Basically, it was about how I took a "backseat" to the needs and issues of my ex for so long.  My T said "you simply couldn't remain in the backseat taking all of the abuse, and be your true self".  "Your true self got out of the backseat, jumped in the front seat of your car (life) and drove away."  I was actually not in a r/s, but rather a need fulfillment trap.  All I can tell you is that for so long I lived my life in the "backseat" and I'm now understanding just how destructive that was to my spirit and well being.  My recovery has included also understanding why I allowed myself to remain in the backseat.  Many struggles that are now turning into the "gifts" that I will take with me for a lifetime... .

[Madison66]

I posted a couple days ago about a breakthrough T session I had this week that helped me immensely with my recovery of the effects of the 3+ year r/s I had with my uBPD/NPD ex gf.  I was holding onto the memory of the last big confrontation we had and thinking to myself "why did I finally make such a big deal over an issue that I'd dealt with for much of the r/s?".   The details of the situation aren't important, but what my T said to me was so simple and profound.  She asked me to visualize myself that day sitting in the backseat of my car, for the hundredth or more times, feeling like my needs and feelings didn't matter.  Basically, it was about how I took a "backseat" to the needs and issues of my ex for so long.  My T said "you simply couldn't remain in the backseat taking all of the abuse, and be your true self".  "Your true self got out of the backseat, jumped in the front seat of your car (life) and drove away."  I was actually not in a r/s, but rather a need fulfillment trap.  All I can tell you is that for so long I lived my life in the "backseat" and I'm now understanding just how destructive that was to my spirit and well being.  My recovery has included also understanding why I allowed myself to remain in the backseat.  Many struggles that are now turning into the "gifts" that I will take with me for a lifetime... .

[Surnia]

This is really a strong picture about the backseat, Madison66! Yes, simple and profound.

And I can relate to it myself very much.

Thank you very much for sharing this!

[Turkish]

 I was actually not in a r/s, but rather a need fulfillment trap.

I like that. Was that something the T put out there, or you? Care to expand upon that?

[Madison66]

Yes.  My T put it out there.  She has repeated this a number of times.  Her point is that it is not a true "love r/s" without reciprocating love and need fulfillment.  It also goes back to the fact that we were living two different realities that were especially clear with the emotional, verbal and then physical abuse.  My reality was "personal power", which works by mutuality and co-creation.  Her reality was "power over", which is dominance, control and abuse.  That destroys any chance of intimacy and trust.  It is deeply imbedded in her PD and she never showed any awareness of it or the ability to change.  Sad, but true... .

[Madison66]

Just to expand a little more, the "need fulfillment trap" was the abuse cycle which took both of us to participate in.  It also took one of us to break... .

[Turkish]

Thank you Madison66! That is good stuff to ponder. Personal power, power over... .

[love2give]

Was another bad day emotionally for me today.  I don't know when I will ever get over her or stop wanting to be with her but your post gave me some good new insight.

Thank you

[winston72]

Some very insightful concepts, Madison.  Thank you.

Staying within that image, I had chosen to be in the backseat in my BPD relationship, and I choose it in many, many other places in life.  I feel competent in the need fulfillment trap.  I feel valued there.  I think my worth in highest when I am putting out for others.  It feels safe to me.  It is less risky than making myself known and if I do it well I think I will receive love in return.  None of this is accurate, but I have been learning that I operate this way in many places in my life.

I did hit the limit with my ex.  I was having panic attacks and acute anxiety episodes from feeling trapped in that back seat. 

Gonna take a while to learn how to drive!  Silly how we grow and develop in this life... .

[Tausk]

 My recovery has included also understanding why I allowed myself to remain in the backseat.  

Thanks for the post Mad:  I so glad to see that added the part of "I allowed myself... . " 

It was an important realization for me.  So even when the anger takes over,  sometimes I can at least direct it to where I feel some of the anger belongs, which is to myself for allowing the destruction.

But then I can also forgive myself for allowing it, because it was for the most part done with good intentions, and occurred due to childhood issues that I'm still working out.

And with that self-forgiveness I'm able to move forward and grow.  When I only blamed my ex, and didn't accept that I played my part, then there was no growth possible for myself. 

My ex didn't hold a gun to my head. She only did what she thought was right at the start.   I ran to her just as hard as she ran to me. We met in a field of wild flowers and embraces with a deep kiss to live happily ever after... .  

Thanks

[fromheeltoheal]

Damn!  Need fulfillment trap, personal power vs power over, backseats, lotta value in this thread.  Thanks Madison!

Runnin with the car metaphor, how 'bout we drive the sedan over a cliff, upgrade to Ferraris, the ones with passenger seats but no back seats because we want equal partners, with a disorder alarm on the passenger door and a sign that reads "driver carries no codependency and demands integrity; there will be a Disorder Bus along in a minute if you roll that way."

[Madison66]

Damn!  Need fulfillment trap, personal power vs power over, backseats, lotta value in this thread.  Thanks Madison!

Runnin with the car metaphor, how 'bout we drive the sedan over a cliff, upgrade to Ferraris, the ones with passenger seats but no back seats because we want equal partners, with a disorder alarm on the passenger door and a sign that reads "driver carries no codependency and demands integrity; there will be a Disorder Bus along in a minute if you roll that way."

Zoom, Zoom!  I've had a week where I had a really good T session and then two separate dates with women who appear to be healthy and fun (lighthearted fun!).  I feel like I'm seeing life through different glasses and having faith that I can attract what I project.  Tomorrow could bring another struggle, but I'm ready for it... .  

[arn131arn]

Damn!  Need fulfillment trap, personal power vs power over, backseats, lotta value in this thread.  Thanks Madison!

Runnin with the car metaphor, how 'bout we drive the sedan over a cliff, upgrade to Ferraris, the ones with passenger seats but no back seats because we want equal partners, with a disorder alarm on the passenger door and a sign that reads "driver carries no codependency and demands integrity; there will be a Disorder Bus along in a minute if you roll that way."

Zoom, Zoom!  I've had a week where I had a really good T session and then two separate dates with women who appear to be healthy and fun (lighthearted fun!).  I feel like I'm seeing life through different glasses and having faith that I can attract what I project.  Tomorrow could bring another struggle, but I'm ready for it... .  

Hope my P appointment goes this well tomorrow! Isn't it so true, though?  That old cliché?  Pain is the root of all spiritual or personal growth.  I swear to God there were nights in late December, I would have sworn I wouldn't have made it this far.  

A few days ago, my replacement assisted my ex (son's mother) to her bogus RO hearing.  I had to sit and watch them laughand giggle the whole time.  If that court date was a month ago, I would have dragged him out of the courtroom by the ankles and into the parking lot and thumbed rocks in his ears, but if it wasn't for this board, my therapy, and AA, I'd been a goner weeks ago.  Would have drank myself to death, or just given up completely.

It really is about personal power, and each day I stand to fight another day, I fight for all of us, I fight for the ones undecided, the ones staying, and the new guy with his broken heart in his hands, and I absolutely loved this thread as well.

Arn

[babyducks]

I was actually not in a r/s, but rather a need fulfillment trap.  

Nice.

Thank you.

[Rosehip]

Madison66 thank you so much for sharing this. It makes so much sense.

We really need to give ourselves credit for having the spirit to take the necessary action to get out of the back seat.

It's such a positive image to hold on to.

[nevaeh]

This is a wonderful analogy. 

Thank you so much for sharing! 

I also like the comment about why we have "allowed ourselves" to remain in the backseat for so long.

I am still stuck in the push pull, but hoping to get out of it soon... .