Is my BPDex in the Idealization Stage with the new "target"?

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi all--

I posted a similar message on a welcome board, but I was hoping that someone here might also have experience and wisdom to share.  My BPDex (who I work with) is already dating and in love with someone new at work (another "secret" relationship) only 2 months after we broke up.  Since I have to see them both at work every day, it is DESTROYING me to watch them interact and flirt and all the little things my ex is doing for her that she used to do for me: surprising me with lunch, buying me an iced coffee when I was tired, etc.  Is she in the idealization stage with this new person?  Of course in my mind I am using this to beat myself up and feel like I am not worthy of love and attention (I feel like last year's car model), but I am trying to remember that she is very sick and suffering and this is likely just a manifestation of her behavior.  Side note: she has dated like 6-7 people at work over the past 8 years, but not all of the relationships have been secret.

Any thoughts or ideas?

Thank you!

[knotknewbie]

Hi all--

I posted a similar message on a welcome board, but I was hoping that someone here might also have experience and wisdom to share.  My BPDex (who I work with) is already dating and in love with someone new at work (another "secret" relationship) only 2 months after we broke up.  Since I have to see them both at work every day, it is DESTROYING me to watch them interact and flirt and all the little things my ex is doing for her that she used to do for me: surprising me with lunch, buying me an iced coffee when I was tired, etc.  Is she in the idealization stage with this new person?  Of course in my mind I am using this to beat myself up and feel like I am not worthy of love and attention (I feel like last year's car model), but I am trying to remember that she is very sick and suffering and this is likely just a manifestation of her behavior.  Side note: she has dated like 6-7 people at work over the past 8 years, but not all of the relationships have been secret.

Any thoughts or ideas?

Thank you!

[fromheeltoheal]

Borderlines do not think the way folks without the disorder think; you've probably noticed.  A borderline goes into all relationships convinced that person will leave them, which has nothing to do with them and everything to do with a replaying of the initial trauma that created the disorder to begin with.

So to try and avoid that the new person is perfect to begin with, and a BPD sufferer falls in 'love' with them immediately as they work their magic and form those unhealthy attachments we're all so familiar with.  That 'love' is based on the fantasy that this is the perfect attachment that will erase a lifetime of pain for the borderline, and it will last until they settle into a 'real' relationship, far from perfect, the new conquest will fall off their throne, and off to ugly we go.  And depending on the mental health of the newbie, if they stand up for themselves and not take any sht, they will flop from being the solution to part of the problem to the borderline and then things could get very ugly.  No worries, it has nothing to do with her or you and everything to do with the borderline's hardwired programming, which makes the progression inevitable.

I was seeing a gal I worked with too, thought it was a real relationship, until I found out she'd been sleeping with most of the office during it.  The good news was a few of us discardees ended up becoming pretty good friends after she got canned and the smoke cleared, kind of like soldiers who have been through battle together.  You have that to look forward to.  Take care of you!