Finally on the leaving board

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Although I have to live with him for two more years, it's very clear to me that my emotional side has shut him out.

I feel like a bridge is burned, and he can't find a way to build it up again.

After his grandmother died, things got really bad. He turned against me, dysregulated like he never had before. Before this rage, I was already disconnected, but thought he might be able to pull me back in in time. Now I know, that won't happen.

He has been great the past few days, and I can't bring myself to being ok with things again. Other times I could forgive and forget (well, maybe not really forget). I just can't do it anymore.

I feel free, like the weight of the world has been lifted of my shoulders.

No more tip toeing around, no more being scared for when he gets home. I'm emotionally disconnected, and as a result, psysically as well.

I feel no need to hug him, or console him, be there for him.

His problems, are his problems from now on. No more putting them on me. And it feels GREAT.

I do feel guilt though, like I didn't try hard enough. Althought on a rational level I know I did more than anyone else would. So I know this guilt is a bit irrational.

I hope we can live in peace together for the next two years... .

[Kifazes]

Although I have to live with him for two more years, it's very clear to me that my emotional side has shut him out.

I feel like a bridge is burned, and he can't find a way to build it up again.

After his grandmother died, things got really bad. He turned against me, dysregulated like he never had before. Before this rage, I was already disconnected, but thought he might be able to pull me back in in time. Now I know, that won't happen.

He has been great the past few days, and I can't bring myself to being ok with things again. Other times I could forgive and forget (well, maybe not really forget). I just can't do it anymore.

I feel free, like the weight of the world has been lifted of my shoulders.

No more tip toeing around, no more being scared for when he gets home. I'm emotionally disconnected, and as a result, psysically as well.

I feel no need to hug him, or console him, be there for him.

His problems, are his problems from now on. No more putting them on me. And it feels GREAT.

I do feel guilt though, like I didn't try hard enough. Althought on a rational level I know I did more than anyone else would. So I know this guilt is a bit irrational.

I hope we can live in peace together for the next two years... .

[GreenMango]

Hi kifazes

You sound decided and clear.  Maybe it's time to work out that leaving plan?   Is there a particular reason for two more years?

[Kifazes]

I'm astonished about how decided I am :-) In a good way ofcourse.

It really feels like freedom.

The reason I have to stay for two more years is that we bought a house last year. And we have to live in it for 3 years, otherwise we'll have to pay a huge fine to the bank for the loan. And we would be in dept. And with we, read me. Cause I don't think he would take responsibility for that. And I really don't have the money to do that.

So I got to stay here for the next two years.

I try to see it as a good thing. I can set aside some money those upcoming years, and start to get some things that he will take with him when we separate. So I try to look at it as that I have two years to get my things in order.

It's not ideal, I know, but I'm really not prepared to pay his part of the fine too.

Sorry if I misspelled some words, I'm from Europe and english isn't my native language.

Thanks for responding!

[growing_wings]

hi Kifaze... is good to read you are very determined, and that although you have to stay longer in the house you have a clear mind.

can i ask what is your strategy to cope for the next 2 years? it is clear you are emotionally and physically detache now, but what is the overall strategy for day to day life and practical matters?

[Kifazes]

Well, I'll keep being friendly. If he chooses not to, and starts silent treatment, then I'll answer that with silence treatment.

We have joined bankaccounts, and that will stay the same until the day the house is sold. Since we made the loan on both our names, that seemed the most fair.

I know he'll switch all of this, but that's his problem then.

So overal strategy, keep going like it is now. Except for the physical and emotional abuse and torture. I already told him that whenever he'll rage at me, or blame me, or starts a fight, I'll go to my mom's.

And for now, we'll just have to wait and see how this turns out I guess :-)

[GreenMango]

No problem with the spelling it's an international group around here.

Is it possible for one of you to take over the house (buy the other out) and the other move out and not violate the bank contract?

[Kifazes]

Ofcourse that option was explored. But it really isn't a possibility.

Since the loan you have, can't be more than 1/3 of our income, it's nearly impossible to do alone.

I know things are not ideal, and I don't really have a master plan, but it's the only plan I've got :-) And I hope for the best, expecting the worst, and because of the emotional distance, I'm coping pretty well.

Thanks for all your replies!

[GreenMango]

At least you've looked into that.  Sometimes a plan that comes together slowly is better.

Sounds like you might approach it like roommates.

[Kifazes]

Best case scenario: we can do this as roommates.

Ofcourse, taking BPD into the matter, that will probably be too much to ask :-) We'll see, how he'll cope, my boundaries are easy: no screaming, blaming, raging at me. If so, I walk out.